An Unpredictable Account of an Unpredictable Year

[Benjamin Jackson]

35. What Love Tells Me (To Love the Night Again)

Picture the situation - it's night, I'm tired, and I've had a busy day. I'm a little stressed, warn out, and looking forward to getting to bed - but first I have to walk home. It's dark, and my mind is active but the day has run out of things for it to think about. It can be hard, in times like this, to be mindful. Sometimes my brain wants me to worry about things which really aren't issues. As such, night time can sometimes be a bit scary. Not in a sort of terrifying way, but in a tense type of way. I may end up feeling a little alone or sorry for myself, for example.

But yesterday I was sitting in a car, it was night and there was music on. To my right sat the driver, my boyfriend. We sat, we smiled, we just were. We talked and we felt love for each other. And I realised something - my brain might tell me one thing, but love tells me to look for my true self. And in feeling love, it's possible to find reflections and pointers towards what really matters. In loving my boyfriend, I see qualities in him that point to authenticity, and in turn this helps me to see them in myself. To have another person love you authentically for who you really are, underneath everything - that's something incredibly powerful, incredibly special. And for me to have that one specific someone by my side, to know that we do this for each other gives me so much joy and hope.

I truly believe that he is a wonderful, wonderful person, and to have wonderful people in your life helps point towards everything else in the world that's also wonderful, including yourself. And this is only part of the joys of what loving him has done over the past few months. The night time, now, if not a time to spend with him (which is the best way to spend it, in my humble opinion) is a time to be inspired, content and inquisitive. My brain tells me to (over)think, love tells me to love. Love tells me to love the moment, the person, the feeling, the time. Not to be soppy, but I do truly, deeply love my boyfriend - all of him, including his deepest authenticities, and to feel that is so profound - it's teaching me to do the same for myself! Love tells me I can feel this way throughout all of my life. Love tells me that I can love the night again. 

What I've been listening to:

(Described by the composer to represent 'What Love Tells Me')

[Benjamin Jackson]

36. Religion, Sexuality and Everything In Between

I was brought up in a Christian household. Every Sunday we'd go to church and after a while I became a Christian. I fully believed the teachings of Christianity and while I still had questions that I wanted to answer, I was committed to this way of life. When I arrived at university two and a half years ago, I joined their Christian Union, and met a lot of friends - this was where I looked to feel at home and accepted. Last year, I was cast out of that group of friends, a lot of whom I still lived with during and after all this happened, as I had a girlfriend who wasn't a Christian, and before this, my questions had turned to doubts, which in turn had lead me to start to be a little more open minded about life in general. The union had been run in a very questionable way even before that, and some of the attitudes from people in executive decisions had made me feel very uncomfortable. So, in a way, I was glad to be away from that.

Now, some of the eagle-eyed among you may have noticed that I have a boyfriend and am male. For years, and during everything mentioned above, I'd always had attraction to my own gender, more so than to any other. I'd convinced myself that this made me gay, and I'd also convinced myself that this was a bad, shameful thing because of my religious upbringing. I could, in fact, pinpoint my first anxiety attack to the date. The 22nd July 2013 (incidentally, and I think the reason I remember the date, the day Prince George was born). I was 16, and as a 16 year old boy might do, I was searching for some porn on my laptop. To my horror, I noticed that my regular sites had been blocked - but only those ones. So of course, I realised that my parents had somehow seen my browsing activity and blocked those sites. This meant they knew about my shameful secret. I still maintain to this day that what I felt then was perhaps one of the most traumatic experiences of my life so far. We've never spoken about this, ever, to this day - but suffice to say they probably weren't too surprised when I told them I had a boyfriend.

Oh yeah - that's the other thing, I told them that. That was the thing I was most scared about in the entire world and I told them. My journey to self-acceptance started not long after 2013. At sixth form, I met some amazing friends who I'm still in touch with now. One of them was bisexual and began to show me that not being straight wasn't shameful at all - it also introduced me to the idea of what I might like to call 'non-binary sexuality', by which I mean not fully one thing or the other (ie, gay or straight) and not always the same moment on moment. I eventually 'came out' to her as bi myself, and towards the end of sixth form to a few more of my friends. I think I then backtracked a little at the start of uni, but then, as I said above,  I began to question whether a religion that presents a loving front but yet judges people for the ways in which they love was perhaps the right way to go. Once I'd come to terms with this myself, and my sister had also come out to me, I began to realise that as long as I was OK with who I was, I could be that. So yes, I have finally told my parents. Being with my boyfriend showed me that it was totally worth being my authentic self, and reinforced that it was nothing to be scared or ashamed of.

The number of times I'd come home from church feeling angry and upset, the number of times Christian teachings had put a voice in my head that had told me I wasn't worthy (something that a lot of religion actively teaches), the number of times I've been ashamed of who I authentically am because of religion - the more I think about it, the more these things alarm me. It was, in a lot of ways, poisonous to my state of mind. Not entirely though, there is a sense of community there that can be great (and sometimes not, as above) and there is also a sense of searching for something more in life - something which I really think should be encouraged. 

But now, as I begin to accept what I need to do with myself, where I need to put my focus, things seem to be getting ever better. Over the last year, I've changed so much, and begun a new lease of life. Meditation is a primary focus of mine and I finally (and quite quickly) came to terms with my sexuality. I've learned how to overcome feelings of anxiety and sit with feelings, accept myself more. And then, just as all this was beginning to kick off, I met my boyfriend, who reinforces these values of mindfulness, acceptance, love and authenticity every single day. I'm now wanting to become a more authentic version of myself, for myself and not anybody else. I feel a new kind of inner strength, supported by love from those around me.

But gosh, all of that long typing was just a preamble to what I wanted to say today - so I'll try to make it quick. Today's meditation session became more of a contemplation one. Having spent a day at home with my family yesterday and after having some difficult conversations with them about religion towards the end of last calendar year, I began to feel a sense of guilt about rejecting part of what they'd taught me and valued so highly as I grew up. This has been a recurring feeling sometimes for me. It's not that I feel like any part of my life is wrong - it's just feeling bad for them. But then, I need to remember what I said earlier - I am doing this for myself - and that's the most important thing. And in doing that, everything's not going to be plain sailing, but also in doing that, I'm going to start understanding more and more that this is really OK. In fact, the outcome that I came to after contemplating for half an hour was to write this journal entry as way to sit with and delve more into what has happened to lead to this feeling and what I might try to focus on in order to deal with it. I think it's safe to say it's helped. It's amazing what can happen when you take some time out to think. And in terms of this, it's shown me how far I've come (the fact that I'm now totally fine and able to talk about all this), how happy I am and how much further I can go and, perhaps most importantly, that there's always more reason to be inquisitive and to learn - so where better to start than myself?

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

37. That Red Flag Feeling

Oh hello! What a throwback it is to be posting on here, it feels like it's been millennia! Oh, a week? Well...

It's been a busy one, and a strange one. I had some stresses as my driving lessons went quite wrong, then right again, then worrying, then OK again. I've had some strange moments of self-doubt that have literally come from nowhere and resulted in me feeling pretty darn shit about myself for a while. In turn, I've been feeling quite tired and run down (probably because of these things rather than any illness or anything). But, I've also been continuing with work and doing pretty well at it. But the thing is, I hadn't been meditating, not at all. Contemplating, yes - but no sitting in silence meditating.

After a particularly bad moment of self-doubt, and relying on my boyfriend to help rather than myself (of course, he DID help, but I should most certainly be looking inwards first, as I well know), I started exploring some work by Brooke Castillo. I've found her coaching model really helpful to apply to my own thoughts recently. And it's eye-opening to consider that things are just things that happen. How we react, think, feel about these are all, ultimately, choices. I think I knew that deep down, but it's been good to remember it. That's the sort of thing I've been contemplating, and in some depth actually.

But today, I had a strange feeling, something I've now realised is a kind of red flag. It manifests in the form of the internal question 'why am I so stressed?' as well as 'I don't have it in me to do this'. The two are, on many levels, both complimentary and explanatory to each other. However, when felt together, it creates this kind of helpless, self-fulfilling frustrated, exhausting stress - and for no obvious reason often. So guess what, I decided to meditate again. It was a little interrupted, but just taking a few moments to get that clarity of mind back - to really be aware, to really focus on the facts and to really Know (with a capital K) that feeling of things being just things was extremely helpful. This is what I, and probably most other people, need to be doing every day.

So why hadn't I been meditating? Well, it wasn't a conscious decision - but I think it definitely fits a pattern. When I need it most, I don't meditate. Because my ego is creating a force-field of resistance which grows ever stronger. It takes a lot of force to break that down, but once you do, and if you keep at it, you can keep the ego at bay and build strength from within. When you don't want to, or can't be bothered to meditate, that's another part of that red flag feeling, and it probably means that meditating is exactly what you should be doing. 

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

38. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG

Underlying anxiety often says today's title to me, and often not all too explicitly. And so, when there's a potential for something TO go wrong, or that might go wrong, of course, brainy wants to make it so - to satisfy and confirm its well practised assumptions. But here's a lil something to remind myself of: there very often isn't something wrong. In fact, most of the opportunities for misfortune can actually, if you are willing, be seen as opportunities for great or exciting things to happen. 

Having preconceptions based on my past is definitely something I've been doing without realising. When I got into the car with a new driving instructor, I had almost convinced myself that based on my previous experiences, something was bound to go wrong this time, too (there's ol' brainy again). In doing so, I seemed to find things to fulfil this expectation - and thus the cycle continued (until I sat down, thought about it and broke the cycle). Worries are often based on the past - and this is something I've only just realised I think. When it all boils down to it, it's easy for us to blame past experiences for the way you're feeling now. Brooke Castillo offers some good advice on this (I've been listening to her a lot recently). She asks the question:

Does that thought come from your past or from your possibility?

Of course, anxious brain might want to say 'well, ok - but something could POSSIBLY go wrong. True - but something could also POSSIBLY go right. My brain (I don't know about yours) seems to sometimes like to go to the wrong side - but here's a life changing question for you:

What if things are just as likely to go better, rather than worse than what you expect?

Now that's a new way of looking at 'what if' isn't it?

 

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

39. February

Well, what an interesting month. What an interesting month indeed. The first thing you'd notice is that I have not posted on here as often as last month. Is this a good or a bad thing? Well, it's good in the sense that there weren't as many one off upsetting incidents I felt the need to reflect on in the same way, however it could have been better. February has been a month of underlying distraction from my goals. My work has come on in leaps and bounds, but I haven't been as aware as I'd like throughout it.

This, however, has begun to change in the latter few days of the month. I finally came out like, in general, to people, to everyone. It was scary, but totally worth it. From just the short time since, I've been able to feel as though I am interacting with others as a more authentic version of myself, and that those people are beginning to see me for who I am and are talking to that guy, not the guy I spent ages during secondary school creating in order to try to fit in. And here's the good news, these interactions are positive! The person who I really am is not a terrible thing. Yes, it's gonna rub some people up the wrong way, but it's also gonna enhance how genuine my life is and strengthen those positive interactions, so to me, right now, there's no question that that is worth it.

Musically, I've done so much. I've been enjoying some of the operas around my city, playing and rehearsing for a lot of things and am getting closer to completing a lot of projects. I've felt down at times and identified that my sense of self-worth needs addressing, but I am slowly making progress. I've also had some experiences with dodgy, stress-inducing driving instructors, which hasn't helped. The key is to, once I've worked out a way to feel OK in times like this, keep thinking and digging to try and find longer-term solutions. I've also begun to think more about what life will look like after university, which is exciting, overwhelming and a little bit terrifying all at once.

But, I do feel like I'm leaving this month in the best possible place. I feel a sense of purpose for March - it's dissertation deadline month and I know exactly what else I need to work on. Things may be unpredictable at home, with my dad having a few problems with discomfort and trying to get that relieved, but as of yet nothing any more serious has come about. And right now, as the UK grinds to a halt because of some frozen water, it's giving me some time to really knuckle down and focus. 

If there is one thing to focus on in March, future self, it's making sure you meditate every day!

What I've been listening to:
 

 

Edited February 28, 2018 by Benjamin Jackson

[Benjamin Jackson]

40. A Few Debates

Hooray, right - 1st March. I want to get back into the swing of this and try to meditate every day, and normally I write in this journal straight after meditating. It seems to have worked out today! Throughout the course of my day, I've experienced a number of dualities and debates I want to make a note of, so that I can maybe revisit them over the month. They are:

1. Long vs Short Meditation: At the weekend, me and my boyfriend practised 1 hour of meditation together. There were definitely benefits to this as it requires a lot more control, stability and ability to not mind anything at all that's going on around you. On the other hand, the 15/20 minutes or so that I'm used to doing daily seems to, at the moment, provide me with a perfect window to settle on a healthy frame of mind which is then more applicable to everyday life, and leaves me feeling better afterwards. Perhaps the solution is to continue to try both.

2. Is difficult a bad thing?: If you live in the UK you may have noticed that it's a bit snowy. Outside my house right now is a load of ice where snow has been compacted, melted, and then frozen again. I had a rehearsal (not all to important, but still something I'd committed to) this evening which I decided not to go to, as I live about 40 minutes away, would definitely have had to walk, and would be returning home at about 10pm. This didn't feel safe to me, although of course there's the argument that I should have tried anyway, and made the most of my time. Sometimes when things seem difficult, it means they should be done, and so part of me feels lazy for making this decision (even though I do think my reasoning was sound). On the other hand, it has not only kept me calmer and safer, but allowed me chance to do some serious meditation and reflection, which seems to have worked wonders for me.

3. Being busy vs being calmly occupied: Being busy allows great and many things to be achieved at times. It can create a real sense of purpose and satisfaction. However, it can be a little overwhelming. On the other hand, you could try to fill your day just enough so that it feels chill, but keeps your mind going. the drawbacks to this are that less is achieved, but perhaps what is achieved might be more fulfilling. As it's snowy, both the cello and driving lessons I was meant to have today were cancelled. So while I am frustrated in a way that progress wasn't made in those areas, I've been able to do other productive things today, and feel far more calm about it all. Unfortunately, having days like this isn't always possible. Sometimes, just a lot of things need to be done. Which can be difficult. So, linking back to point 2, should that difficulty be embraced, or should a person take some times to relax or cut down now and again... or is that lazy?

I guess with all of the above the answer lies in the motivation. What's an excuse, and what's a reason? What's best for you and what feels nicer? Are they the same thing? These are all questions that can be asked together, and sometimes the answers do seem apparent. I just thought it would be worth thinking about these ideas today, so I will be interested to see how these ideas pan out over the rest of the month.

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

41. Money

So for some reason, I have it set up so that my bank texts me my balance every Friday at around midday. So imagine my dismay when I got to see just how far into my overdraft I was at lunchtime... haha... It would have been ok, bu I am very aware that I'm about to make some pretty large investments just before I'm also about to become totally financially independent, which is a bit of a scary situation to be in anyway. As such, I became a little panicky and had to spend my lunch hour financial planning. In my head, there was no way I would ever have enough money. On paper, in reality, this was far from the case.

Why is that? Why does money cause such anxiety? Is it because we know we need it to survive (although, do we really actually?)? Is it because perhaps society has told us that out monetary value is our actual value? I think that might play a pretty big part in things. No money = worthless, or at least that's what we think we're supposed to think. I think there are many factors to this, as money is essentially an imagined survival principle which drives our way of life in 2018, even though most money isn't real at all, and simply a promise! When you have £1000 in the bank, do you ever see all that money? No - you just transfer these conceptual numbers in order to get food, water, a place to live, entertainment etc. Money doesn't actually exist, really. Yet it's vital.

That's a bit weird, isn't it? A non-existent very important concept driving a way of life. Sounds a bit like religion to me. Potentially. And I could spend ages stressing about 'what if I don't have enough', even though I know the fact is that I will (just like today). I think, in that sense, money reflects how the mind works if it's not kept in check. Money causes worries and never causes true satisfaction, no matter how frequently we're told to believe it. Money is essentially an egoic currency, and I think it takes a lot to try and view it in a really healthy way.  Especially as some people really genuinely don't have enough of it and can end up living in awful conditions, even living out on the streets in the snow.

So then, the big question is this: how do we live responsibly under this tyrannical deity of currency when it can do so much to displace us, whilst still keeping a healthy mindset? This is something I shall begin pondering over the next few days.

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

42. Life, the Universe and Everything

So I didn't get chance to upload anything on here yesterday as it was my university music society's annual ball. I didn't go last year, and first year's one was a bit of a disaster (I was a bit of a nervous wreck, basically), so I was sort of dreading it. I had to go though, as I have some responsibilities as part of the committee this year, so off I went. As soon as I got there, the room in which everyone was stood in was tiny, noisy, and incredibly full of people. Uh oh, said my brain, this ain't gonna go well. And, as we moved on to the room where our food would be served, this was further reinforced. A tiny room which just about held us all which was so noisy that nobody could have a proper conversation.

Now, flashback to this year, the ensemble that I manage has had a pretty tough time of it - reschedulings and cuts mean we haven't had great opportunities, and it's been quite difficult to manage at times as I've felt like I've not helped the members of the ensemble have the best time they could have (in fact, I especially felt like this only one week ago). Cut forward to the ball, and somehow we win the 'best ensemble' award, which was incredibly uplifting. After that, people went away to dance and I was left with much nicer food than I'd expected in a much friendlier, quieter environment than first impressions had led me to believe. In short, I actually managed to stay for the whole thing and really enjoyed myself in the end. The whole evening totally went against my expectations.

I've just been listening to Brooke Castillo's recent(ish) podcast on confirmation bias, the idea being that if your brain is good at having a belief, it will find ways to support that, no matter whether that belief is good for you or not. To have a really positive experience that allows you to believe that something is or will be having a positive effect on your life is a way of starting a change in belief. She specifically says that changing beliefs is an initially uncomfortable experience, and that might explain why, even though I've had experiences such as the one I've talked about above, I'm still struggling with this.

As I may have mentioned, I've had some pretty crappy experiences with driving instructors recently. I have 6 hours this coming week (which is a lot) with a driving instructor who I believe to be unprofessional and quite intimidating. That is my belief. And because of this, I'm sitting here really stressing out about the whole week. Not only that, but I am also allowing myself to begin on unhealthy thought processes, such as feeling sorry for myself because of it, and unnecessarily worry about all sort of things. I'd love to change my belief about these lessons, as this would be a step to sorting these seemingly temporary problems. However, because of confirmation bias, unless I'm really willing to change my belief, I'm going to as a reflex and subconsciously try to find ways to prove that my lessons WILL go wrong, that I SHOULD feel sorry for myself. But here's the good part - I'm aware of that now.

Looking at situations like this from afar, the answer is obvious. Life, the universe and everything is at your disposal, so there's no need to feel in a bad way about things that might happen or things that you believe, when many other things are possible. However, it's the admitting that a belief might be wrong and changing it that's the difficult thing. It might be hard for me to imagine things will happen and happen well tomorrow, especially as it seems to be default to panic about it. However, surely I can believe that tomorrow will happen in a neutral way? If I go in with this intention, it's the first step to changing a (relatively small) belief. It is this intention which, hopefully, is the way forward for me. 

What I've been listening to:

 

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

43. Time Enough

There's a lot to be said about enduring difficult situations. Sometimes it must be done, and you have no choice. Other times it might be more of a choice, but the choice itself resides more in the thought process about the difficult situation itself and therefore the way you experience it. You can learn a lot through experiences such as these. Sometimes, though, when you have the power to do so, enough is enough.

Today I had to take action like this about my driving lessons. I'll spare you the details, but I had to report my teacher and try to sort out a refund after a particularly stressful experience this morning. This then culminated in me receiving insulting messages and feeling a little bit worried, stressed and tired. But I had to do this because enough really was enough. I had previously convinced myself to endure what was going on and try to find the best in the situation, but after losing sleep over the whole thing and feeling very stressed out, I had to take the decision that I'd had time enough to try and work these things out, and it was best to get out of the situation altogether.

It's difficult though, because a lot of times in life when you could back away from something seemingly intimidating, it's perhaps best to stick at it. Often being intimidated by something is the key to knowing it's the right thing to be doing, no less. I've been doing some thinking today, and I'm not sure if this is the absolute truth, but it's what I've noticed - perhaps the way to tell the difference is in the way you are thinking rather than feeling. On the one hand, being intimidated by something that you need to actually be doing may feel very uncomfortable (such as starting a career, for example) but upon thinking about it for long enough, there are ways through it, options, and benefits to be seen. On the other hand, there's the experience I had with this whole situation - the way that I felt I was twisting the truth to feel positive, the feeling of it being the wrong thing and not seeing a way through it other than stopping it. As Brooke Castillo would say, it wasn't serving me. And what's more, more and more kept piling on to the situation to make it even more this way. What I said yesterday still applies, the worry didn't serve a purpose, really. But being astute to what's actually going on in the moment has been ultimately useful to me today.

I guess the lesson of the story is, if something is causing you discomfort, spend some real time giving it some real thought. Meditate on it and listen to the answers this produces. That, I think, should give you a clue as to whether it's time to change direction, or just to keep pushing on. 

What I've been listening to:

 

Edited March 5, 2018 by Benjamin Jackson

[Benjamin Jackson]

44. Conflict Resolution

I probably have mentioned it before, but I'm the manager of one of the ensembles here at university. Today, without going into too much detail, a potential conflict situation arose between me and one of the members, who wasn't happy about something. The way in which this was resolved has given me cause to reflect on how far I've come in the last year and also what made the solution so effective. A year ago, had someone come to me with a problem in a less than friendly manner, I might have either got very stressed about it or sassed them, or both. Today was different.

I think I've realised that in order to work with people, the best thing to be is open within yourself to your own authenticity, as that will then have a bearing on the interactions you have with others. Yes, I had to maintain a professional attitude and enforce rules which had been set (perhaps a little difficult, as the person in question was much older and more experienced than me). But I had no desire for an argument or anything of the sort. So, once the situation began to become heated, I excused myself from the situation and waited to discuss the issue until after the rehearsal. During this time, without really thinking about it, I felt able to enforce the position I found myself in as well as maintain empathy to the other person's own viewpoint and managed to genuinely be myself and maintain a friendly atmosphere.

As I said, I don't think these were things that I was trying to do on purpose, which is kinda the important thing that came from this scenario. All that was happening, really, was that like I said, I was able to feel in touch with my own authenticity and bring that to the discussion and brought a genuine desire to be fair and understanding. It made a load of difference. Now, I'm not saying every situation will be like this - I was very probably just having a very good day in terms of being in touch with myself - but it's the reflection on it afterwards that's given me a smile and made me realise that what could have been seen as a difficult situation not too long ago really wasn't for me today. It's incredible, the more I work on this stuff, the more I see how it pervades all sorts of unexpected areas of everyday life - and it's really darn beneficial!

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

45. Natural Cycle

It looks as if I've had a pretty rubbish week. The conflict situation from yesterday seems to have escalated, there was also conflict earlier in the week, I've been ill and I've been absolutely exhausted. I DO feel as though that authentic self is in there, but right now it feels like he's struggling to keep his eyes open and is surrounded by snot while being constantly punched by external factors. The thing is, I know that this is all part of the norm. It has to be something to embrace, as life isn't perfect. Everything natural happens in cycles. Days, the seasons, growth, even things we've added on such as economic cycles. With these structures, when things dip, they always go back up. It's just a question of harnessing that momentum.

It's naturally gonna happen - it happens even in my meditation - things can be going very well for a short while and then all of a sudden start going quite wrong. It doesn't mean the thing I was doing right was wrong, it actually more means it was definitely right. It's difficult to keep it up during difficult times, but it is possible - as the core values of awareness and acceptance can still apply, even if the output isn't as visible. This week I've been far less productive, but this time just a little bit more aware... which I think is a good sign.

[Benjamin Jackson]

46. My Body

Some thoughts about my body or bodies in general from today's meditation/contemplation session:

The body is so incredibly intricate and a great tool to help with practising awareness. We use so much of our body through 'conscious' decision but aren't aware of it. Maybe it would be good for me to start appreciating these little things a bit more. For example, I have a book on yoga for musicians which I've not really looked at, and keep thinking I really should take part in. The body can do amazing things - sometimes we are aware of it, sometimes not. I think it would be good to practise extending that awareness.

Sometimes the body can go a bit wrong (as with many things in life). I've started to noticed further back discomfort as I've been meditating. I will need to monitor the situation for a while to see if maybe I should work out a way to improve that. Furthermore, I had an operation to remove my thyroid (which was in my neck) 4 years ago. As part of my meditation practise, I scan down through the body and try to be aware of each part and 'listen to it'. More and more recently I've noticed feeling a bit weird about that area. It's not actually uncomfortable, but being fully aware that there's a chunk missing from that area with skin stretching over the hole is well... unpleasant for me to think of. So much so, in fact, that it's starting to detract from where focus could elsewhere be, so I think I will start to look into how to overcome this. 

My body is the tool through which I live most of the physical parts of my life. It has many components and I can make decisions about how I use, or don't use them - which can extend to improving the ability of certain parts should I so desire. My body is not me, though. My real self is the thing that operates the body. By that logic, surely I could exist without my body. Extending beyond that, anything I own physically is merely a tool for something. For example, I've just been looking at getting a new, much higher performing computer to set me up for 'professional life'. While this is exciting, I need to remember that my real self does not and should not depend on its tools in order to feel fully realised, no matter how badly (for example) this current computer works and the frustration this can cause me. This is very difficult, and probably highlights something very important in that these realisations are not about my body at all, but about the nature of the soul/self in general.

Now, a bit of a weird one - here's today's 'what I've been listening to' - and I've included it before. But it's one of those that (as I'm learning to play in it for a concert) the more I listen to it, the more aware I am of how it all fits together, the more I appreciate each little section of how it works. So I thought it fitted quite well:
 

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

47. An Easy Fix?

This is my second attempt at this post, as the website seemed to want to delete the first one just before I posted! 

Today's been weird. I've been successful and done good work, and am at home and feel well rested. I've had a few problems, but most of them have seemed fixable in the end. For example, I was proofreading my dissertation (which needs submitting this week) and simply couldn't process the words on the page in front of me. They were my own words too, which made me really doubt the quality of the work. In the end, however, I realised that part of the problem might have been that I was reading on a screen and not on a printed copy as I normally would, so I somehow managed to persuade my parents to let me print off all 82 pages so that I can try again, and hopefully even submit, tomorrow.

One thing I haven't been able to find a fix for though is how my dad is feeling. The truth, however undesirable, is that that is how it is. Every time I come home, I notice him being a little more uncomfortable. Sometimes that discomfort can be alleviated with a fluid drain or some painkillers, but more and more it has become general pain. This discomfort is also making him feel rubbish psychologically, and is causing him to not really want much food or try a different combination of painkillers. I can understand why though, as everything he does is going to have different uncomfortable side effects, and nothing is going to actually make him feel comfortable, which is really quite rubbish. It's really difficult to see him like this, especially as he's getting steadily worse.

I know what I need to do to deal with this. Focus on the moment, know that everything's relatively ok right now (it could be better, but it could also be worse). However, with some thought I've realised that what's bothering me most is his psychological rather than physical state. Over the last year I've learned how to start to deal with feeling uncomfortable and maybe even how to deal with feeling a little helpless. I want to be able to help him, but I'm not sure how. I'm considering introducing him to a beginners meditation course, although I am fairly certain he'll struggle with this to start with as it will initially merely draw attention to his discomfort. Sometimes when people start with things like that, they can expect a fix, rather than a way of accepting how things actually are. So that could be difficult. 

For now though, I want to focus on my own perspective of how things are going at home, and try to 'clean that up' a bit. I do, however, want to help where I can.

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

48. Something More

Last year the Christian Union (see earlier posts in this journal) put on an event called 'something more'. It was all about identifying those little moments when you feel as though there is something more going on than just the version of the reality you see in front of you - and of course they attributed this to the Christian God. Now, as I've explained in earlier posts, I think there can be quite a lot that's problematic with their approach, but when viewed in the way that I've just described, I think that at least their premise is on to something.

I've just had (and in a way and just having) another great chat with my boyfriend about the way in which we perceive reality, and how there are layers beyond layers in our perception, and that the way we exist is perhaps far more than we could perceive in one go, and that the logic of reality is so much broader. We both really feel like it's great to have someone to talk to about this stuff, but really it's more than that - we can and have experienced feelings like this together. Our shared inquisition is itself what creates a deeper, more layered understanding and experience. And the more we question, and think, and experience together, the more we find, the more we experience and the more we question. Theoretically, there is as much to life as you want to find. So theoretically, there are infinite possibilities, right?

We were talking about how life is sort of a dream, a version of reality, with its own logic. And even within that we experience the fact that there are many different alternatives. Our perception of reality is the dream in the moment, and it must be being observed simultaneously and outside of time. Perhaps then, this observer is God. And if this is God, that means it's both the most authentic part of reality and the absence of anything at all. As with our authentic selves... So yes, it's quite hard to describe in words, but very interesting to think about. And to share it with somebody else adds something more into the mix, even further so. A shared understanding of experience, a shared exploration - it has begun to show me that everything is equal to more than the sum of its parts in every way, and at every level. It's like Plato's cave... there's always something more outside our silhouette on the cave wall. 

What I've been listening to:

 

 

Edited March 11, 2018 by Benjamin Jackson

[Benjamin Jackson]

49. Meditation When You Need It

Today has been a great day - I've got loads of work done and submitted my dissertation (at last!)! After this kind of day, it was very easy for me to find time for some meditation, however, because of the fact that over the last week when things have been more difficult I haven't been finding that time, the actual meditation itself was quite difficult. I have left myself with a very busy mind and a lot to process from the last week. The more I do this sort of stuff, the more I realise that meditation is like a tidying up routine, it needs to be done regularly in order to stay on top of things. One big long one after two weeks won't really cut it, and it'll be much more difficult.

In addition, it's easy to say that it's time to meditate when you're feeling relatively good about your day (I'm sure I've touched on this before as well), but when things aren't going to plan, that's when it's more difficult. Unfortunately, though, that's when it's most needed. I had planned to meditate every day in March, but there were some days when I genuinely didn't get the chance, and so this has of course given my brain an excuse not to try as hard when I do have the chance. What I really need to make sure I'm dong is meditation when I need it, not when I want it. And I think that meditation every day is what's needed. 

Of course, there are some obvious reasons why I might not want to meditate as much when I'm feeling the struggle. My brain doesn't want to face up to how it's really feeling, or there's a wall been built since the last time giving me a small underlying belief about my own self and feelings that is going to feel quite uncomfortable to break down. It's easy for me to say now, but of course that discomfort need not happen if I remain focused enough... but the real task is going to be not just remembering this in all eventualities, but also putting it into practise. I'm getting better at it, sure, but there's still a long way to go.

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

50. An Unpredictable Account of an Unpredictable Day

Wow, fifty entries! That's whole load of entries right there! 

Today's been another one of those full on, full of extremes ones. This morning I woke up late, having slept very badly indeed (so, a low point, I guess) but then managed to apply for two jobs before lunch (so a high point then). Following that, I felt a great deal of resistance towards getting any more actual work done (a low) for quite a while but then did get it all done anyway and it felt really good (a high). After a great meal, I began to feel physically panicky and quite frightened (a definite low). I think the weight of searching for those jobs and contemplating a future whereby I have to finish this degree, earn enough money to live, move house and deal with everything at home with my dad was feeling like a little bit too much. After a lovely warming shower I sat down and did some great meditation work, which lead me to feeling more about the future and the opportunities it will bring, especially sharing the experience with my amazing boyfriend and having the chance to learn and do more as myself (a definite high). It finished early, though, as I began to feel really dizzy and odd. So right now, I seem to be somewhere happily in the middle.

And why am I telling you all this? Well, aside from as a reminder to me, it's for sure an illustration that every given moment is its unique entity. Anything can happen from one moment to the next, and just as circumstances can change so can our perceptions of it. This is useful information for two reasons. Firstly, it offers hope. Sometimes things can leave us feeling pretty terrible, but remembering that our perception can change about it is a powerful thing. Secondly, it keeps us prepared. If we're perfectly fine in the moment, it helps us to remember that circumstances may change, and so it's definitely worth working on that mindset even when it doesn't feel it needs the work, so that perceptions can serve you in all eventualities (such as I discussed in my entry yesterday). 

What better day than today to write my fiftieth entry on? Ups, downs, highs, lows, and thoughts and contemplation about pretty much every area of my life right now. In this microcosm of my supposed year, to be able to sit here at the end of it and feel hopeful is hugely reassuring, and to have acknowledged the discomfort (and at times, resistance) some of the less pleasant things seems to trigger is strangely empowering. To know that these things are there and yet the authenticity of my Self is truly untouchable and ever growing is something very special, and it's what I reminded myself of during meditation today. It's not about whether I can predict what's going to happen next, it's about acknowledging that all things can be possible, even outside of time. It's about knowing that authenticity is steadfast, and that somehow, through it all - there can always be a way. 

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

51. Learn to Learn

Every time I have a cello lesson (which isn't actually all that frequently) I always want to seem to write about it. I've realised how much learning my instrument can apply to everyday life - or perhaps another way of looking at it is that I've realised that learning about myself applies almost directly to my instrumental playing. Today, I went to my lesson with a list of the areas I was struggling with. Not just notes and passages that were difficult, but principles I felt I needed to work on to become better. As such, I spent almost two hours working on my weakest areas. It occurred to me that as a child learning the cello, whenever the teacher pointed out an area which needed improvement I'd take it personally and perhaps to some degree figure that I wasn't doing well enough, and it would be easy to do the same now. However, I'm at a stage now where I can see that these corrections are to help me be better, not stop be from being bad.

The truth of the matter is, we turn up to lessons not to showcase how good we are but to expose our weaknesses in a way. If I'd have gone today and just played all my best bits for two hours, it would actually have been a much less good use of the time. Afterwards, I was debating whether the lesson went well - but of course it did! It was not about how well I played, but about how well I learned. All of these principals, I think, can be applied to a much wider context. If we're truly invested in learning and growing, we need to accept that we should not turn up for a showcase of ourselves but with our mind fully focused on the areas we want to develop. Learning, even a musical instrument, will never truly grow the ego - in fact it's very likely to damage it as a key part of learning is finding out that you can be wrong. My theory is that if people are learning music for the purposes of showing off, they might give up relatively easily as their ego is going to take the damage. Learning to learn really is all about learning to grow through acknowledging the desire for improvement in a positive way. 

I also think this might be part of the reason why children are such good learners. We talk a lot about plasticity of the brain in younger years, and I'm not sure how this all aligns psychologically, but I'm fairly sure as children are developing they might have less of a rigid sense of ego, which is why it's so effective for them to pick up new skills and have their view of the world repeatedly challenged. It would also explain why this gets increasingly difficult as we enter our teenage years and begin to want to set up a more rigid version of 'me' only to still be in the education system and be told that in a lot of areas in life, you're wrong. So what can we learn from this? Well, I think a sense of open-mindedness, of excitement that you could be wrong and something better and more interesting can replace your beliefs, no matter how small, could be really beneficial. Knowing that learning benefits the Self rather than the Ego is a powerful thing, and something I'm looking forward to applying even more in the future. 

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

52. Rest: Incoming

A break I've been looking forward to is approaching and happening very soon, which is great news as today I've really felt like I've crossed off everything on my list of things to do before it. I can now really feel like I deserved this break which I've had planned, which is a lovely feeling. However, despite today's success, it's not all been easy going. Something about the fact that I know I'm about to finish work for a while triggered a strange phenomenon in my brain...

Because I'm about to 'power down' (or at least reduce strenuous activity for about a week, albeit still having things to focus on and development to work on) yet still had some things to finish off, my brain seemed to want to immediately cease all activity and be lazy while simultaneously beat itself up about not wanting to do work. Suffice to say it was very difficult to overcome this and get work done, but somehow I managed it. I think the sheer determination to feel positive about my state of mind come the end of the week helped, and also the fact that I had a scheduled rehearsal to be at that was out of my control at the end of the day, and so I needed to make sure I got to that on time. Had that not been part of my plan for the day, I'm not sure how the rest of it might have gone. 

I've now realised this is something that can occur, so it's great that I'm mindful of it. The next four weeks will be very strange and out of routine - a proper rest for one week, a busy week meeting people and working at home the week after, an intensive week of orchestral rehearsals the week after and another week 'off' doing work the week after. Every week will be different and my guess is that my brain will try to preempt what is going to happen the following week with varying types of resistance to what is actually happening in the moment. So how best to deal with it? Well, awareness is key. And then, I think, learning from today in terms of adding in something I absolutely HAVE to have achieved by a certain time will allow me to get enough done, however weird or unpleasant it may feel at the time. What I'm saying is, a little more strict structure might do me good while things are a bit more up in the air and out of routine. For now though, I'm very much looking forward to some time off with my boyfriend - I may be on here a little less, or maybe even a little more. Who knows... 

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

53. Catching Up

It's been almost two weeks since I last posted on here - and a lot has happened in that time! The reason for the distinct lack of posting was because I was away, followed by numerous technology issues. I'll get to that more later on, though. There's quite a lot to say so I'm going to group it into numbered things that happened over the last two weeks or so.

1. I went away with my boyfriend - this was an incredible experience to say the least. I'd been looking forward to it for ages and somehow it surpassed my expectations. We had a fantastic time and we cam away from our stay feeling even closer to each other and refreshed, if a little tired! Something that's really struck me about this time is how much I know I'll remember it. Pretty much everything that happened seemed to have some kind of deep significance or create some sort of useful grounding for one or both of us. We spent some time being purposefully mindful and making memories, and it has left me feeling very optimistic about not only the future, but our future together.

2. I got a new computer - now, this might seem trivial, but with my old computer it took around 10-15 minutes to boot up and then when any programme was running it was incredibly slow. This did cause some serious problems for me when trying to work for university and became very frustrating. As such, I have invested in a much higher powered, longer lasting machine which right now is a dream to operate. One large problem I had on my old machine was that as I was waiting for something useful to load, I'd spend that time on facebook or doing something unproductive which I would then become more invested in than the task at hand. With the reduced loading time and quite frankly much better functionality, I'm really hoping to (if I use it correctly) use what I've now got to encourage myself to be more productive.

3. I taught my first cello lesson - after some doubt about the attitude of a potential tutor's parent, I decided to take a very low paid job teaching cello lessons. I figured that right now in my career, experience was extremely important. After a few initial nerves, I spent an hour and a half delivering a taster session and suffice to say, this experience, even though it had some issues which needed to be resolved, entirely strengthened my feeling that this is a massive part of my life's purpose. Teaching and sharing skill and enthusiasm is something I now feel confident that I am good at and can enjoy in a variety of circumstances and I can't wait to properly get going once my studies at university are over.

4. I had another driving lesson - again, this might seem really rather trivial, but after my experience with my previous instructors, a sense of stress around driving seemed to have been instilled within me. Today I had a lesson with another instructor, one I absolutely trusted, and the progress almost shocked me. Turns out, with the right instructor, I am actually quite a good driver and can make progress. This, again, is something which has really instilled confidence in me lately and made me excited to go forward with something that initially made me nervous - and to be able to reflect on this in this way feels great!

5. I have arrived home for the break - and for now things seem to be going well at home. After Christmas, I am more aware of my parents needs and they are more aware of mine, and even being conscious of these things has allowed things to run more smoothly for us all - at least for now. It is, however, becoming increasingly difficult to see the discomfort my dad is in and how this is affecting him emotionally. I was able to help my sister recently with some of her negative feelings by taking the time to talk to her and even introducing her to Brooke Castillo's life coaching model, which was really encouraging! However, my family continues to, quite understandably, be in a lot of emotional turmoil. There is definitely heartbreak at seeing how my dad is and this is something which I know I am going to have to continually work on, but for now I feel as though I am coping rather well with working on how to best serve the rest of my family, something which I want to always continue.

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

54. Tools

So I mentioned yesterday about this new computer. Obviously I've continued to use it today and despite the fact that it's quite hard to get over the fact that it actually works well, I think that, weirdly, using it has helped me understand something rather important. I am using it as a tool, and the better it is at its job, the better I can be at mine. For example, the faster something loads up, the faster I can get to work. The more useful it is to me during that work, the more productive my work can become. Of course, it totally isn't the only factor affecting speed of work and productivity, but it helps.

And this got me thinking during today's meditation session - if I'm using this tool to express myself and do work, surely the level before that is that I am using my body for almost the very same purposes. If I view my body as a tool, that really draws attention to the fact that my true self is not something physical at all, but besides that, it gives a new perspective into how I might want to use my body. The better shape it's in, the better I can do what I want or need to be doing in life. The more I look after it, the longer it may serve that useful purpose for me. Can you see the parallels? Using this thought process allowed me to see my body in a more objective sense - not as part of me but as a beautiful, complex tool which I use to be me. This presents even more of an argument for looking after your body, but also frames it not as the be all and end all of the Self. If there is damage to the body, it may affect, but it does not need to damage the Self.

So what does that make the Self, then? This is the question or concept I was mulling over during my latest meditation session, and it's a complex one to explain, but quite a simple thing to understand once you get there. (It's something easily forgotten, though, which is why practise at understanding this is important - and I'm only just beginning on the path to properly understanding this). But what I know is this - I am not my body but I use it to express aspects of my Self. I also know that I am not the music that I write, but I use it to do the same. And the same goes for the words I use, the way I perform music, my actions, and all kinds of other things. In that respect, it could be said that my Self isn't really anywhere, but can be viewed by others through all of the things mentioned above and more. Think about it - someone else's perception of the truest me is only what they see of my body etc. You could say that the most accurate 'me' exists in my brain, as that's where all the thoughts that cannot be readily perceived by others exist. I think in a way this makes sense, but I'd also tend to disagree - as meditation has again shown me that I am not my thoughts, they are just a product of the Self. As, then, with all Selves and all consciousnesses, I don't exist in one place or one time or one thing, but in a number of different combinations of the above. While I might be just as represented in my body and physical actions as a piece of music that I have written (which is a pretty mind-blowing thing to think about anyway), both of these things are only tools to portray the true Self. Now surely, that must mean that the Self is something far far beyond our perception? And while that's pretty terrifying, it's also rather exciting. 

What I've been listening to: