An Unpredictable Account of an Unpredictable Year

[Benjamin Jackson]

15. Grounded

I went for a cello lesson today for the first time in a while, and it was quite a trek across the county via train. I was initially dreading the travelling and was rather nervous for the lesson itself too. As expected, this activity took up most of my day and the lesson lasted for two hours, which is a long time to concentrate so intensely. One thing which really stuck with me about what I learned today was the idea of being grounded.

My current teacher is very much about grounding yourself in technique and knowledge before you start to be expressive with the music. Now, this is not something I would necessarily entirely agree with, but I acknowledge it's exactly what I need at this stage in my musical development. And, truth be told, I have been relying too much on 'getting the notes out and sounding nice' rather than mastering the full technique. This means I can play well, but mastering the foundations behind everything that I do will allow me to play well every single time that I play rather than just most of the time. That way, if I'm feeling 'off balance' (see yesterday) I always have something to come back to, to ground me, to re-balance. 

Again, I appear to be living in a metaphor, because there's so much to be learned from this in general life, and I noticed the parallels to meditation especially. The mind can wander, or it can be calm. Either way, if I know exactly what it is I am relying on, I know that I don't need to worry. Mistakes can be made and corrected without feeling lost or helpless. In fact, knowing that you're grounded and feeling secure in this way is so helpful (at least I think so). So often I can mess up (both in music and, more importantly, in life in general) and let it stop me in my tracks. I can blame myself, revel in the mistake, make it feel like the end of the world, but actually I know that I can correct the mistake. If I am grounded, I can carry on as normal. Mistakes don't have to be anything more than opportunities to learn. And, as in meditation, learning how to get back to what you are grounded in is arguably the most important thing in the end. 

[Benjamin Jackson]

16. The Heart of the Matter

Today's been a tricky one, as I was confronted by a member of my family for not 'pulling my weight' during the time I've been at home (I'm heading back to university tomorrow). I'm sure this is something so many people experience when home from university and it's definitely something I've discussed at length on here in the last 15 posts somewhere. Today was a little worse though, as it was apparent things had been bottled up, resulting in an onslaught against me, making me feel like I had let my family down. This, given my current circumstances, is not something I need to be feeling right now.

So eventually we sat down to talk - something that has very rarely happened as normally I feel talked at and then not allowed to respond. This happened to an extent today, but I stood up for myself. I said 'hold on, this is the issue. Let me finish, let this conversation end properly rather than just when you think you've had your say' and it worked. I was glad I took that risk. A greater understanding has been reached for both parties, and an appreciation of what the other is going through has started to form. The whole ordeal was very unpleasant, but I'm glad it started to work out. I think often we think we are dealing with things by talking them through or examining them and attempting to understand them, but based on some great advice my boyfriend gave me, getting to the heart of the matter is what's important. There was no point just discussing surface details about who had annoyed who, we had to get to the heart of it, the real cause, the reason why these isolated events had become so holistically problematic. 

Using this basic framework in my meditation today has been really useful. Knowing that I need to get to the heart of the matter made what would otherwise have been a very difficult, if impossible seeming attempt at meditation feel a little more like it had focus and direction, and therefore a little more productive. Sure, it was still difficult, but at least it had purpose. I think I've learned a great basic underlying principle today. If not learned, more re-learned, re-understood and understood the true significance of it. It will be something useful that I can carry with me into whatever happens next. 

[Benjamin Jackson]

17. Environment

Today, after six weeks, I have moved back to my university accommodation to complete the final semester of my degree. After a very rough night which I believe was mostly stress-induced (see yesterday's post) I felt truly awful this morning, however I arrived quite early in the day which left plenty of time for unpacking and settling in. I do feel a little bad for feeling much more at ease here at university rather than at home, but that has appeared to be the case today.

I want to say two things about environment, and the first is rather simple. After dedicating quite a bit of time and energy to unpacking and tidying my room so that it's nice, and very personalised to me, I felt so much more at ease. It just goes to show how a pleasant environment can illicit a far more pleasant state of mind. I'm sitting here typing this in bed with music on, something I wouldn't be able to do at home but something which makes me feel very at ease and brings about a greater sense of inner calm. Making an environment your own and pleasant makes all the difference.

Secondly, I feel as though, as this is the room in which I've pursued self-actualisation etc the most, it is more easy for me to tap into that side of things in this environment. The flipside of this is that when I am at home, it is very easy to slip into the mindset of being dependent, angsty, unaware of myself and surroundings as well as frustration and resistance, which really don't help anything. I found when I sat down today (at my uni accommodation) to meditate, although my mind was quite busy due to everything that's gone on over Christmas, both good and bad, it was as if my mind really wanted to do that, and I was able to access the desire and inquisitiveness required for meditation. I think the past experiences of an environment can shape current mindsets more than might be first apparent or desirable. 

Sure, over the coming months there will be angst and frustration etc at this house, just as there was at home over Christmas, but coming here today and spending the day settling with no other goals in mind has been just what was required. It feels like a reset, in a way, but one which has given me an immediate boost in terms of ability and desire to chill out a bit more and focus on what's really important.

[Benjamin Jackson]

18. Laziness

I decided to treat myself today and go and see the new Star Wars film (amazing, since you asked). I figured that today was the last day before work recommences and it would be nice to keep on that idea of being chill and do something nice while I had the chance. All well and good, but then when I got home in the early afternoon, I faced a dilemma. I could either practise my cello, or sit and do nothing much in particular. I decided to go with the non-lazy option and start practising.

This worked well up until a point. I decided initially to re-familiarise myself with some music that I'd been learning before taking a few days off practising, and this worked well. I went over a few passages and made some progress, but then it started to get difficult. Only in hindsight do I now realise that this is where I stopped. I didn't push myself. Now, tomorrow is going to be a different story altogether as I have a proper rehearsal that I need to be at, and so the pushing will definitely begin then, but for some reason my mind wanted to be lazy and not work hard in that moment, waiting for the future. To an extent, this is fine, as the rehearsal scenario will give me much more knowledge and motivation, but since the reasoning for me stopping there was that I'd had enough, I have deduced that it was laziness.

Laziness is more apparent when it stops you from doing something altogether. If I hadn't attempted to practise, I'd have caught myself much earlier on. Likewise, if I had done too much to be of any further use, the outcome would have been different. The problem was, I tricked myself into not working as I was thinking in the short, not long term. Laziness is a short term issue. If you really do desire a break, set goals and time aside later for it, that way you can be proud of your achievements yet well rested and looked after. This sort of forward thinking is doable straight away, and normally is something I'm good at, hence the greater frustration when I miss the mark.

I then faced another choice - heat up an unhealthy meal from the freezer or make something from scratch that was probably much nicer and definitely much healthier. At this point, I had begun to learn my lesson, and so put the effort in for something healthier. Not only am I now satisfied that I've eaten well (something that I am learning more and more is associated with a good state of mind) but I am also satisfied that I am able to put the work in and feel even better than if I'd decided to take the time totally off. It's a matter of perspective through time, I think, as chilling out is perfectly acceptable, but laziness is not. I think the two things can be confused for one another sometimes, both from the person and from outside sources. What matters is your motivation for doing something, and often doing the things that seems harder will benefit you the most in the end. 

[Benjamin Jackson]

19. Playfulness

Whenever I play in one of my orchestras, the conductor repeats the idea of playfulness, and how important it is to music making. He says that viewing creativity as some sort of serious game allows more creative and expressive freedom, rather than just seeing it as an exercise with notes on the page. Today, this idea has kept on coming back to me. It's been the first proper day back and instead of feeling stressed or overwhelmed I've felt one thing above all others - playful. 

In the rehearsal which I mentioned yesterday, I found taking the mindset of having fun, figuring things out and benefiting from them and basically just enjoying myself to be so important. I could have chosen to sit there and panic about playing, but with a playful attitude not only did I enjoy the experience a lot more, but I was also far more productive. Playfulness is conducive to creativity, as once I'd reached that mindset I started having creative ideas for the cello suite that I am writing.  There were a few setbacks along the way - I had some feedback from some work last semester with decent marks but pretty savage comments, but I noticed that this was an example of not being playful and perhaps taking creativity too seriously, sapping it of all its joy and reason of being. To dwell on criticisms would be like stopping playing the game because you aren't winning. It would be like Andy Murray walking off court because his opponent won the first point. This is absolutely not the way to succeed. 

Playfulness isn't just being silly or faffing about, it's about viewing the task at hand as a positive challenge, and one you will enjoy solving. Only after meeting my boyfriend last summer did I start to truly understand this, and ever since then, I've been able to see difficult situations or ones which used to stress me out more like opportunities than problems on some occasions. It's a lot easier said than done, but with reminding myself and time, it is on the way to becoming more of a default. There is great power in playfulness too - it creates an openness not just to creating things but to relationships with others and general outlook on life. It is an open, positive outlook as opposed to knuckling down and getting stuff done without really appreciating the process. Playfulness enjoys the now, rather than looks towards the end goal as the only source of relief. As the week goes on, I hope to adopt this approach in much more of what I do. 

Play is how children learn about the world and each other, and it should be about how we operate inside it too. Playfulness doesn't always need to be smiles and giggles either, it can be a serious session of solid work, maybe even fraught with problems. But not to see it on the whole misses the point. After all, I don't produce sounds with my cello, I play it. 

[Benjamin Jackson]

20. Doublethink

I don't want to go into too many specifics, but today has been a literal rollercoaster. As far as my actual work has gone, it couldn't have been smoother - I was far more productive than I'd planned to be and even enjoyed it. However, once I stopped doing that, my brain did some... stuff. For a few days I've been worrying about the same and similar things, so at the end of yesterday and earlier this evening, I felt pretty terrible really. Lots of worry, self-doubt, and feeling absolutely trapped in these emotions to the point where I felt like everything was a bit terrible, really. The worst things about these were that firstly, I knew I'd achieved so much better and so the fall back to square one emotionally felt like a real disappointing blow. Secondly, they directly impacted on somebody else important to me, and unfairly so - which created further internal unrest and self-blame. Thirdly, I absolutely knew that what I was worrying about was not an issue and not worth the energy of worry, and yet still couldn't stop the worry from building. If anybody has ever read George Orwell's '1984', it was a bit like the idea of 'doublethink'. 

But where did this come from? I have many theories - firstly, the stress of university has started to kick in as well as the emotional repercussions from my time at home. As well as this, previous experience and the way it fits into current situations could be igniting parts of my brain that don't really give me that many useful thoughts. Finally, it could be down to processes outside of my control, and my brain - more bothered about getting stuff done in as easy a way as possible - just needs to start dealing with them. 

Doublethink seemed to be creating even more resistance. 'I know this isn't worth worrying about', I'd say to myself 'so why am I still doing it, especially when it could be hurting someone else in the process? I can do better than this!'. Even this internal monologue is not a helpful one, as it eats away at your own idea of control and grounding in yourself, as if something else has control over you. But, after an incredibly patient and loving conversation with my boyfriend (who, quite frankly, right now I could not be more grateful for, he has such skill in talking about these things and is so calm and factual and genuine all the time. Even realising this during our conversation was, in a way, enough to show me that not everything in the world was bad) I was able to find ways of grounding myself, which is what we talked about the most. Being happy with how you are, without the desire to be 'good enough', for example. Or the idea of your first instinct and its opposite not necessarily being the truth, as well as the thought process of 'trying on' different beliefs until one which produces the best outcome comes along. All of these are really interesting and useful principles to start exploring.

So, as tomorrow approaches, I feel like I have a fresh mindset and the beginnings of a new, even better perspective. It might take a while to start mending what seems to have fractured over Christmas, and even longer to build on that. But I go into the battles which I've lost knowing more about how to fight them now. It's good to know that after such intense emotions, the likes of which I've not felt for a very long time, hope and, perhaps more importantly, love have triumphed over worry today in an incredibly significant way. 

 

Edited January 23, 2018 by Benjamin Jackson

[Benjamin Jackson]

21. Sensory Overload

Sometimes it can be hard to focus on just one thing for a number of reasons. Perhaps there's too much going on at once, or perhaps you're just too confused to be able to hone in your focus on something in a specific way. Today's carried that theme for me. Again, I've actually had quite a good day indeed, and yet one little thing has been nibbling away trying to get my attention.

I was sitting in a practise room in my department trying to work on some tricky rhythms, but all I could hear was a very loud band playing Arctic Monkeys songs at what must have been top volume. They were in a closed room down the corridor and yet every practise room was flooded with their noise. Of course, it was quite selfish of them, but what really bothered me was that it was ever so slightly distracting me from the work I was trying to do. I managed it in the end, but with a small feeling of frustration in the back of my head.

Cut to later in the day, and I'm sitting in a rehearsal feeling very hungry. I'm sure there are biological reasons why this might distract you from what you're doing if it's not eating, but again, I found myself in a similar situation. I was unable to concentrate fully on the task at hand because I appeared to be experiencing some sort of sensory overload. Again, I got to the end of the rehearsal all fine with progress made, but aware that had I been able to focus just a little bit more, I might have done just a little bit better. Weirdly, when I got home, it seemed by boyfriend was going through something similar - struggling to concentrate on something due to feeling a little overwhelmed. It was only then that I realised how common this was in my day today.

Of course, it's important to learn to be content with the progress I did achieve (and today, it's definitely worth feeling content about, it must be said) - and as well as this I know that training the mind for focus will really help. One thing that has crossed my mind is how hard I have worked to be in the present moment, but when the present moment is so very full of thoughts and sounds and smells and feelings and sights, it's often hard to know what to focus on within that. So, today and in the coming days I will start to explore ways to really focus on things within the now. But I also have a question for anyone who may be willing to offer some advice - what kinds of things do you do to help avoid sensory overload? Even if it's not entirely overwhelming and even just a little bit frustrating, I'm interested to see how this sensation can be dealt with.

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

22. Mindfulness in the Everyday

These past few days I haven't sat down to meditate, but weirdly, I think I'm all the better for it. I've known it for ages, but I think I am beginning to properly get to grips with the idea that you don't need to be meditating to be mindful. In fact, when you aren't sat down focusing on one thing or one type of thing for a long period of time, there's a lot of world to be mindful of and enjoy. I think maybe yesterday's slight 'sensory overload' experience can be attributed to the fact that I was becoming more in tune with this. And, like anything, with practise it is a skill which I will hugely benefit from as it gets more refined.

Instead of meditating, I've been trying to use certain visualisation and mindfulness techniques on certain things and at regular intervals, and the results have been quite significant, it's almost like I am beginning to cultivate the peace I feel when I'm meditating consciously into my everyday life. It's sort of like being mindful of mindfulness, I guess. The more I practise this, the more natural it will feel, I imagine!

One of the techniques I've been using is a 'body scan', essentially being mindful of all of my body parts in turn. An unfortunate side effect of this is that I noticed a little bit of discomfort in my tonsils. Sure enough, upon looking in a mirror I noticed that one of them was quite swollen again, although there was no pain as when I had tonsillitis. It's hard not to wish that tonsil problems don't become a recurring theme of the year. I have an appointment with a GP in a week's time, so I'll keep everyone updated (I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats).

This has been significant though, as last time I thought I had a recurring health problem it turned into actual proper serious health anxiety whereby I had genuinely convinced myself that I was going to die. It sounds ridiculous now, but that's exactly how I felt. I've had a few health problems in the past that have been quite serious, but were fine in the end. But experiencing them coupled with the general anxiety I'd felt was not a good mix at the time. Bringing mindfulness into the everyday though, while highlighting some form of a mild health problem, has brought into my consciousness the fact that I don't feel like this any more. As a result, I can feel pleased with the progress I've made over the last couple of years.

So this weekend, I'm off home again for a family birthday. Instead of worrying, I will try to focus on the now - who knows how it might help or what it might uncover, but the bottom line is, it's the way I want to be thinking from now on.

[Benjamin Jackson]

23. This Time Is Different

In my experience, if I expect to have a bad experience, it's normally not as bad as I think. I know this. So why is it, then, that I will allow myself to worry, almost as if I didn't. Anxiety has itself a survival purpose but in this society we've created it can be extremely unhelpful. Today, just before I arrived home on the train I suffered what can only be described as a mini panic attack. There were probably a lot of factors which all fed into this, but I definitely was feeling anxious about arriving back home.

However, and you may have seen this coming - so far it's no been so bad. In fact - it's been good! Two things have crossed my mind about this. Firstly, in my short time away I built up my memories of experiences here to be worse than they actually were, so as to build up more dread than was required. And secondly, that my expectation of experience is often wildly over the top compared to what actually happens. It's quite easy to say in the calm after the storm that everything will be ok in the end - it's in the moment that really needs the work. In the moment today, I felt like I'd properly regressed back to times when I really wasn't in a good place, probably fuelling the fire for even more panic. However, it was only afterwards that I realised (or maybe a more appropriate word would be 'remembered' in this instance) that this time is different because I know how to cope. This time is different because I know I can get through it. This time is different because I am far more able to sit down and reflect. I am no longer putting pressure on myself to feel better, only reminding myself to sit with how I am feeling, no matter what that is. 

This is such a radically different approach, and it harbours radically different results. Instead of adding fuel and creating a never-ending feedback loop of pressure, it breaks the cycle completely. I'd even go as far as to say that from the same place of panic and anxiety, I am now able to do in an hour what it took me six months to do nearly two years ago. So yes, it's probably time that I stopped beating myself up about the fact that unpleasant things can happen in the world and the mind. It's not my fault, and it's not in control of me. If this recent, but brief and improving, repetition of the past is to teach me one thing, it's that I can get through it. This time, it will be very different indeed. 

[Benjamin Jackson]

24. Creativity

Let today be a lesson to my past and potential future self. Worry may have grounding in truth, but it hardly ever reflects it. Worry is a drama we create in our minds that does not represent reality. If we worry about being tense, that is where the tension comes from. Away from that tension there's clarity, and that can be observed if you make the choice to want it. 

Today has been far more successful than I could have imagined. Going back to earlier this week, none, not one, of the things I'd been worrying about has come to fruition. This just highlights to me how much energy was wasted on things that never actually happened. In my meditation sessions I've begun to focus on the idea of clarity and light as visual images of my own creativity, and the realisation that that clarity is always there and just need to be perceived has had a real impact on me today. In fact, I have completed two days' work in one as I began composing some music for my uni course. Sure, what I've got is a mere draft - but as I was outlining what I was doing and then filling in the gaps, the creation of the music seemed absolutely effortless. Even though I've incorporated everything that I wanted to, it felt like all of that was already there, and I was merely expressing it.

This clarity, then, perhaps holds the key to creativity. You could argue the case for a muse, our creative counterpart, guiding the expression of elements already in existence, just channelled through you. You could argue that focus clears the way to more clearly see what needs to be seen in order to create. Whatever it is that you want to argue, it's interesting to make the distinction between two types of creativity I think.

The first is this idea of the troubled genius - one who revels in their misfortune in order to create gritty, hard-hitting and meaningful pieces of art. Beethoven is a stereotype I might think for this sort of thing. The second is this idea of the peaceful creator, one in touch with their own self in order to create (or perhaps, taking on this idea of the muse, express) something incredibly pure, yet incredible stimulating. For example, Mozart. However, I think I'm starting to see that this distinction might not exist as we imagine it. Beethoven, for example, in the midst of massive personal crises and totally losing his hearing, wrote a symphony about joy. A true troubled genius, surely, would not do such a thing. 

I think that creativity depends on access to clarity and purity to some extent. It depends on the person being able to truly access and accept their emotions. To that end, creativity and mindfulness really aren't worlds apart. Not only can searching for peace and clarity open the gateway to creativity, but to revel in your own creativity will help to light the way back during times when it's not so easy. 

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

25. Those Quiet Moments

It has been interesting so far today to contemplate when I am at my most creative. I think I've been doing this as a response to yesterday's development. I have just been on a walk, and it was during the walk that a few creative ideas just seemed to come to me. I then sat down to meditate, and sure enough, as if by magic, Andy Puddicombe framed the exercise by explaining how normally ideas seem to come to us when we are of a relaxed, more open state of mind that does still require some degree of awareness. It's not when we're sat down trying to logically think through things that the solutions often make themselves known. Again, this reinforces my theory that creativity requires a certain open-mindedness, but maybe a sort of open-mindedness that come naturally, rather than one you're trying to force upon yourself.

In those quiet moments when it's possible to simply be present with just being yourself - like just before bed, or in the shower, or on a walk - these are the times when arguably you are closest to your authentic self - just perhaps not fully aware of it. More and more recently, I've started to catch myself in these moments and be a little inquisitive. I think it's when there is not much else going on that the true self shines through more clearly. Perhaps other people may notice this more clearly if they were in the room with me, but then again, perhaps if they were it might negate the whole idea of the quiet moment in the first place. 

Either way, this person that's always there beneath the layers of everything else is the person I'm looking for in my quest for greater self-awareness. It's good to know where to look, and what can help point me in the right direction. And, perhaps even more importantly, it's exciting to know that there's such a strong link between this process and that of creativity. Stripping back the layers, accepting those quiet moments and waiting, not looking, for answers not only helps the creation of new things, but the understanding of things which have been there for a very long time. And when you think about it - how different are those two things anyway? 

[Benjamin Jackson]

26. Too Busy?

I had a busy day planned for myself today, and it was always going to be a bit full on. However, this morning I received an email with some feedback for a section of my dissertation, and suffice to say there was more work to do on it than I had originally anticipated. That plus everything else I was going to do on my dissertation plus everything else I had planned today made for a very busy day indeed. I went shopping, had a rehearsal, had a driving lesson, cleaned most of the house (!), practised my cello and did some dissertation coursework, as well as meditating and doing this journal. In fact, just now having sat down to meditate was the first proper rest I've had since 9am this morning!

All of this business has lead me to a number of small realisations. Firstly, in a day of lots of things, not everything can go well, but not everything will go wrong either. In that sense, I guess, it's sort of a microcosm for the sorts of things a person might do in their entire life, rather than just in a day. My rehearsal and cleaning and shopping went very well today, and have left me feeling very satisfied. Doing my uni work and practise were successful and added to this feeling of satisfaction, but I guess they could have been better - and my driving lesson was pretty abysmal, partly for reasons beyond my control. However, as I moved on from one thing to the next, I tried to remind myself to focus on the task at hand rather than reflecting in either a positive or negative sense on the activity just gone, as well as rather than preparing for the next thing. This worked quite well, as I was able to take on each new task with a sense of renewal rather than carrying over whatever baggage came from the last. 

My second small realisation was that perhaps it's possible to do too much. While I am siting in bed now feeling like I had a satisfying day, I am aware that a lot of work is still needed to be done on what I started today, and as I got towards the end of the day, especially with my cello practise and meditation, my energy levels were depleted and I couldn't concentrate fully on the task at hand, cutting them both short. While I could have spent twice as long on both in order to master what I was working on, still focusing on making some progress with them allowed the fact that I did them to remain beneficial. I'm glad I did the work, but wish I could have spent longer and used more energy on them. Also, I have ended the day with a bit of a headache and feeling probably too tired, rather than just a 'satisfied' amount of tiredness.

So, tomorrow, I am planning on having a slightly less busy day. In the evening, I am going to see a film with my housemates which will be a nice break, but in the day I am going to concentrate on a smaller number of tasks for longer. It's difficult to always arrange things to be this way at university as a lot of what I have to do is out of my control - but I do believe that two hours working on something is more productive than two one hour slots on different days, so this is the approach I plan to take.

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

27. January

So, we reach the end of the first month of the year. I'm not sure about you, but it feels both as though it's absolutely flown by and also taken a very long time. A lot has happened, both practically and emotionally for me this month. I've dealt with facing up to big changes in my life, dealing with re-surfacing feelings of worry, and a lot of uni work just to name a few things - but as I sit here reflecting on what in some ways has been a tough month, I can confidently say I am all the better for it.

Just today I was talking with a housemate of mine who was worrying about a situation (sorry, don't want to be too specific) and I found myself realising things about my own thought processes. Most notably, and my boyfriend will certainly attest to this, I apologise for little things way too much. Why do I do this? Well, today I realised - it's not because I don't think people would forgive me, it's because I won't forgive myself. But what's the point in that? I think January has been the month of realising that there isn't one, among many other things.

Even the 'bad' stuff has been worth sitting and dealing with, as this has created a good outcome - but there has been some amazing stuff this month too. I feel closer than ever to my boyfriend, back on a roll with my work, like I've actually got somewhere to aim to be by the end of this calendar year and most notably right now, I started this journal! It's really helped me document how I've been thinking and feeling, and is not just a therapeutic process (nearly) every evening, but it's also helped problematic thought process not recur as often, as I've been able to check back and remind myself of what's really important. My meditation has changed a bit, with a focus on a specific visualisation exercise rather than just sitting in silence (for now, as I plan to learn more skills to incorporate into my 'silence' eventually) and I am hoping this will continue to inspire me!

I've also taken on new musical challenges, and while really has been just that, a challenge, to get going, I'm really starting to enjoy myself. This has given me a strong feeling of 'I can do it!' and has lead me to very much look forward to next month. Next month, right now, looks as though it will bring more musical opportunities and fun in new areas as well as really solidifying the things I've learned this month. I've got a concert planned with two orchestras and couple of visits with my boyfriend to look forward to as well as more cello lessons and chances to write about and compose music. January has shown me that challenges can be seen in a positive light, and that exciting things can happen both when you do and don't expect them to. This, I hope, is how I plan to continue.

Edited January 31, 2018 by Benjamin Jackson

[Benjamin Jackson]

28. Complaining about Injustice

Some things do irritate me, mainly things which I perceive to be unfair. I think many people might echo that sentiment. If it's an injustice towards someone else, it's possible to even feel righteous in your irritation. And it's even worse when it's an injustice towards myself, because then that creates a sense of self-righteousness, a sense of self-entitlement. 'It's not fair', I say, 'It's not what I deserve!'.

Well, here's a slap across the face to myself - yes it is. You don't deserve everything or everyone to be perfect and do exactly what you want or expect, nobody does - because it isn't possible. In fact, a sense of deserving roots from the same place in the brain as a sense of worry in that it's a perceived future event that plays out in your head and not real life. When it does play out and it's different, it's very easy to say that what happened wasn't fair. Sometimes, yes, as events take place, they can be a little uncomfortable, tricky or perhaps even unpleasant, but the focus should be on dealing with that if possible rather than feeling personally like you deserve better or taking an uncomfortable event personally. 

In fact, the same can be said about injustices to others. If you can help, do - it's the right thing to do. But don't attack how unfair the situation is, just mend it, otherwise time is wasted and nobody is helped. Sometimes, often, if there's nothing that can be done realistically, then work on accepting and living within the situation you've been dealt, rather than feeling sorry for yourself. And if I'm addressing this to anybody, it's myself. If there is one thing I need to work on right now more than anything, it's this. I complain and get annoyed by injustices all the time, on all sorts of scales - sometimes even subconsciously. Everything I've just said above sounds quite harsh, but I think that's only because we're trained to develop a sense of entitlement that isn't realistic.

Something that brought this to mind recently was a conversation with my boyfriend in which I complained about something totally irrelevant to him and pretty inconsequential to myself as well, clearly wasting both of our times and to no avail, and straight afterwards I realised that there had been no point in what I was saying whatsoever, and that actually it was even inconsiderate! Of course, him being as lovely as he is, didn't get annoyed (I guess that would have started a vicious cycle anyhow!) but instead in a few sentences showed me that my perception of the situation was skewed - that I was attacking what I thought was unfair rather than solving what was actually the problem. And if I cast my mind back, this is something I do all too regularly. If I am going to have one February resolution, it's to catch myself doing this and sort it out. Nobody likes a grumbler, and besides - solving actual problems in the most efficient way possible is far more rewarding for everyone! 

[Benjamin Jackson]

29. Against the Odds?

I have six weeks in order to complete my dissertation. It sounds scary when I say it like that! But if these past years at university have taught me anything it's how to have confidence that I will manage to produce the goods in the end. But also, after a visit to the doctors today it turns out that I may have had glandular fever for a while (not, in fact, tonsillitis). Tests have been sent off and I'll find out if this is the case within a week, and in a sense I hope it is the case because if not, my symptoms may point to more serious things. But that's not the point, and I'm not worried about that for now. The point is, I've been ill and having minor but significant symptoms for a while and because of my mindset, I've pressed on and not let them get the better of me. 

Now, this is actually quite significant to me when I think about it, because not only has it allowed me to get on with work more than if I had convinced myself I was ill, but it's also shown to me how much my mindset has changed. Before, any discomfort would have been at the forefront of my mind, both physical and emotional. Obviously, this may still be the case in severe circumstances, as would be biologically logical... bioLOGICAL... anyway... what I'm saying is, now I can see that I'm more able to focus on the task at hand a lot more fully. Anything else I am still aware of, but does not have the power to distract me or change my state of mind. This doesn't happen all the time - no way - but it happens far more often than it used to, and I've found that really encouraging.

In six weeks, probably the most major deadline of my entire life will be upon me - and who knows what might happen in that time, but over those six weeks and beyond, I am going to make a commitment to, wherever possible, be more aware of this state of mind. If I know that it's possible for me to focus and do well, I am more likely to do that. What's so exciting about focusing more on self-enquiry is that it works as an iterative process and begins to snowball, and that even when the odds seem like they might have been stacked against me, not only has this not phased me but I've got through it with a greater understanding of myself that will really benefit me in future. 

[Benjamin Jackson]

30. What Benefits Me?

'Ah, the weekend - time to get lots of work done!'

I think some part of my irrational mind believes that weekend days have more hours in them than other days, because today I set myself an absolute tonne to do before I went and enjoyed an evening at the opera. It should come as no surprise, then, when I say that I didn't get it all done. For a while, I felt a bit bad about this, wishing I'd achieved more. In the end, however, it transpired that when I listed my achievements for the day, they were pretty extensive!

Furthermore, I have to ask myself about where the benefits are coming from. As someone who wants to make a career out of musical engagement, going to the opera and then writing a review of it was hugely beneficial AND enjoyable to me, but for some reason because it wasn't credited university work, initially my brain decided it wasn't a worthwhile activity. Yes, there's lots of pressure to do well, and do it on time at the moment and so time management is super important, if not vital. But the trick to it is to be satisfied with what you have done and are doing rather than always thinking about what needs to be done next, because if you only do that, nothing gets done with enough love and attention and probably isn't as good or exciting as you can make it. Quality not quantity, and all that.

What's more, the work that you do might not be 'visible' to others. Your effort might go unnoticed. Well, to be frank, good! That means you aren't showing off with it, it means you're focused. Of course, the frustration may come when to other people it looks like you're being lazy or not applied to much, but the question you have to answer, ultimately, is 'what benefits me?', not:

- What benefits them?
- What LOOKS like it benefits me?
- What avoids negative impact on me/others?
- What was I going to do today?
or even
- What do other people want me to do?

All of these questions give a motivation which skips around that real, core progress. And actually, what I've done today has been real progress, and once I've realised that, it's been a lot easier to feel damn satisfied.
 

[Benjamin Jackson]

31. Deviations from a Still Point

There is a still point, somewhere, from which everything else originates. Some call it God, some call it the true Self, some call it both. That still point will always be there, no matter what else is going on around it or coming from it. This has been an important image for me to remember today. On paper, I've not been doing much, simply working, going to the shops, eating - that kind of thing. But within that, a number of things can seem like they have 'gone well' or 'gone wrong'. A few things went wrong this morning, one thing quite upsettingly so, but somehow, with this image in mind, I managed to continue as normal.

Then, as the afternoon progressed, I did my work very successfully to the point where I am proud of my achievements for today. Great! But now, at the end of the day, I am sitting here with the things that went wrong this morning haunting me somewhat while other things build up in my consciousness. I need to realise - nothing is wrong right now, even though I may feel it. The good feelings I had earlier, the bad ones too, they were all just deviations from a still point. And that still point is there right now, just as it has been all day.

At the moment, I have worries - some of which can get fixed pretty easily, some of which may take some time. They might fade in and out of consciousness and importance as I go about living my life but ultimately, there should be no need for me to feel in control of my worries, as they do not need to be controlled. They are thoughts, mental dramas - nothing more. The truth is what is being lived now, and that will always be the case. Anything else is just a deviation. The still point is where I want to be at.

[Benjamin Jackson]

32. Introspection

What a strange old day. If I were to detail it to you now (which I'll spare you), it might seem like a really good one, definitely at least on balance. The problem with the brain though, sometimes, is that it like to latch onto negativity. Aside from the positive achievements of the day, I failed, for the second time, in a promise I'd made to myself and for someone else (the details of which probably aren't appropriate to go into here - sorry!). To make this mistake once was frustrating, but a mistake nonetheless. The worst aspect about this second time, for me, was that I appear not to have learned from the first time. I've made a request to be accountable to someone for this now, I'll see what they say when they get back to me. So I've taken action, and now I'm really determined to get it right. I just feel, perhaps, like I have let more than just myself down by not being present and aware that I was making mistakes (again). However, I've just given this very same advice to someone *else* so I will now give it to myself: there's no use dwelling on the past. Getting it right from now on is what's important, and the way to do that is get it right moment to moment, in the present. And I'm strangely OK with this. 

Last night, I spoke to my boyfriend about some worries and negative feelings I was having and he took my through a method of self-coaching which illustrates that outcomes all come from you, having had the thoughts which trigger them in the first place in reaction to a situation. We didn't get chance to reach a convincing outcome with this for how I was feeling, and so I was encouraged to do some introspection today. So, for the first time ever, i set my timer on my phone to 30mins, weirdly the longest I've ever meditated for, and sat in total silence. At first, everything seemed rather tangled, but in the end I think I started to get to the bottom of why today, even though it's been great, has left me feeling perhaps a little down. It all goes back to my concept of self-worth. I don't think I initially wanted this to be the case, because that would essentially mean that I'm making other people's problems 'all about me', but really that's ok, because that's not the issue here.

At first, I thought I had spotted a link between everything that was preying on my mind - they made me feel 'not good enough'. But I was wrong, that wasn't the case at all. The link was that I thought they made me not good enough. I think that's a very important distinction. And, just as the coaching model my boyfriend introduced me to yesterday might suggest, it is my thought that I am not good enough that I am 'choosing' to do, leading to the feeling, leading to any actions I might take in response to that which I'm not happy with. Another piece of advice this wonderful man gave me, which I have spoken about here before - 'Try out some different beliefs - which one sits with you best?'. So that's what I did. I tried believing that, in fact, I was good enough. And that really was a very freeing experience. I am good enough, I just sometimes make mistakes - those mistakes don't define me, they don't stay with people like they sometimes do with me. I'm not my mistakes, I'm not my thoughts, I'm not my feelings. My mistakes are mine to learn from, my thoughts are mine to have, my feelings are mine to understand. And it's not a case of which belief is true - because that change in perspective makes it true. 

I can see where this belief has come from, and why it has stayed with me from over Christmas, but each time I feel it, I can get better at catching myself and reminding myself of the truth, and that's a great way to train your mind. Incidentally, and as a slight aside - I also realised during this introspection session just how physically tired I was. I think I was pushing through it and not fully realising, but with confirmation that I have only just really got over the worst of glandular fever, this makes a lot of sense. This tiredness has also been acting as a barrier to full awareness and alertness. Tomorrow, during the time I will set aside for self-reflection, I plan to find ways of dealing with tiredness (apart from, you know, sleeping.)

And just as a final little addition, I realised that as I type these entries I'm pretty much always listening to some form of (normally classical) music. Sitting, writing and listening is my present moment right now, so why not share that moment in as much of its entirety as I can? Whenever I'm listening to music, I'll try to remember to post it below, if for nothing else other than to remind myself of each moment.

What I've been listening to:

 

 

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

33. Rest

Today has been some kind of an 'infodump' day for me. Firstly, I had a session with my dissertation supervisor who basically told me that all the work I've done over the past week needs to be redone, and then lots of information about why. I then went for another cello lesson, and as I will probably only go every 3 weeks or so, each one is very much full of information. It was a bit stressful to find out so much needed to be done, especially with my dissertation, but I eventually sat down and worked out a viable plan - and one that didn't work me as hard, importantly.

I had, I think, by this point understood that perhaps I am asking an unnecessarily large amount of myself. I had set to finish my dissertation by next week - leaving four weeks before the deadline! On reflection this was ridiculous, and overworking myself for no reason - perhaps I had taken too far the idea of deferred gratification, thinking about how relieved I'll feel when it's all over earlier than required. However, really, this was just my way of bringing what I wanted closer to the now and overworking myself in the process. Instead, I need to find a balance between determination and practicality. There's no use wanting to control a situation that much that becomes impractical. 

As I started to realise this, I began to realise how physically tired I was (on my way to my cello lesson). Perhaps it's because of the illness, perhaps it's just because I am now aware that the illness can have that effect, perhaps it's because I am overdoing it. Perhaps, and probably, it's a bit of all of those. Whatever it is though, it only got worse. I still managed to have a really good cello lesson, in fact, I still managed to totally boss today, just perhaps in ways I hadn't expected. But I am now home with a very clear sense that this tiredness will end up being detrimental to my progress if I'm not careful (as I touched upon yesterday). I was considering making the rest of the week a little calmer - not going to some extra-curricular stuff, that kind of thing, but then I heard that I wasn't required at tomorrow's rehearsal in uni itself, and so this has given me a perfect opportunity for rest. I will still get up, I will still type away and all that, but I will do it in a way which gives me space to really listen to my body and know how it's feeling, and a way which helps me to recover.

I think rest is important and shouldn't be frowned upon, but it shouldn't be an excuse if things seem difficult. This is the dilemma I've been faced with this evening, but I decided that a day of rest tomorrow is what's needed for my body and therefore ultimately my mind, and that I can still push myself in terms of work at the same time. 

What I've been listening to:

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

34. What I Needed

It turns out a day of resting was exactly what I needed - after a quick trip to the supermarket which is only a five minute walk away from my house, I began to feel incredibly fatigued. It's not like sleepy tiredness, more like physical tiredness and brain fog. After a bit of a sit down, some food and a lovely chat to the BF, I decided that I really needed to venture out again to get some books from the library. Now, as I was aware that 10 minutes of walking did me in earlier in the day, this was a bit of a worry. However, once I got going, things were actually ok. The fresh air was doing me good and it felt good to be productive. This spurred me on to doing the best day of dissertation writing I've done yet, and as it's worked out that I had no other responsibilities today, it was especially good to just focus on one thing.

In fact, the universe seems to know this was exactly what was required, as my only hour in uni tomorrow was cancelled earlier in the day, meaning that tomorrow can be essentially the same. I still have a driving lesson, but then again an focus on my work. Yes, I'm missing a few of the extra things that I normally do at this point in the week normally, but in order to reset and re-focus, even if there is a massive psychological element to how I'm feeling at the moment, I think it's worth it. It's also true to say that I'm not feeling 100% still, but I do feel surprisingly better than expected at this point in the day. Ready for bed, yes. Ready to collapse? No. So that's progress!

A 'day off' in this sense really needs to not be an excuse to totally tune out. In fact, it should be more of an opportunity to tune IN and be even more mindful. This is something I need to remember for tomorrow, as although I have been aware for a lot of the day, there have been long portions of it where I probably couldn't tell you what I achieved at all, no matter how small. What's needed now, I feel, is another day of chill but one which is full of awareness. There will still be things to do, things to focus on - but also in the moments in between, I am going to try to appreciate what I can, explore the sense of being. I'm pleased, in a way, that the end of this week has worked out like this, as it's given me chance to reflect, lift some of the fog and get my body ready for the world again. Obviously work is going to be tough for a few weeks as I have a massive deadline approaching, so that's to be expected. I am also obviously a little concerned that this may end up being a long-term issue. Although that's not the case at the moment and I feel I am doing what's best in terms of making sure that's not the case.  So today, perhaps, was what I needed to get myself battle-ready. 

What I've been listening to: