Enter The Void

[Lord Bwyra]

Hi there fellow actualizers.

I am writing this message because I am two selves going in opposite directions.

And it seems that this is what the self-actualization path is all about.

Today the void has been calling me strongly. It wants me to go yet it wants me to fill it. (also known as resistance)

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT VOID???? HUH?

There comes a time in a man's life when nothing fills it anymore. All the drugs and pussy and love and justice and entertainment and alcohol and happiness and whatever else you can come up with will not fill it. It just gets bigger and bigger the more you try. You have this insane rush gathering and gathering. The urge to go for a quick hit of dopamine, serotonin and all those chemical cocktails we have become addicted to from birth because we have been conned into a game of survival when the truth is that life is just another phase of death and vice versa.

Is this what it feels like to be a woman?

You drink and smoke and eat and fuck and pump it up and burn it and freeze it and dive in with the sharks and lions and volcanoes and at some moments you get an immense relief. Shelter from the storm, as Bob Dylan called it. You are broken and freezing and dirty and full of hate and lies and you've raped and murdered and bombed children and whipped yourself with a razor belt and you've hijacked planes and driven them into skyscrapers.

The void.

You want to allow it and let it go and forgive and surrender to all this madness and all the voices and you are lost and hopeless and you smile and start to laugh hysterically.

Just let go.

Release.

All of it.

The pain.

The joy.

The "trying to figure out" why they did it and why she has to die and comforting others with some bullshit buddhist advice that you don't even believe in yourself. You never wanna miss an opportunity of stepping up as the wise one. No sir!

Those answers are never found.

Just brutal suffering. You used to think that this is what makes everything beautiful.

The kinder you are born, the more intense the suffering.

It takes a lifetime of failure and seeing the illusions life has to offer to learn to suffer with kindness, that is the ultimate gift.

You walk around this palace of lies. Orgies everywhere.

Your friends and family just want to relax from work. Buy some new clothes and dream of a better life but their smiles have faded and this makes you sad because you are just starting to get this shit and really coming alive. So what the fuck does that imply? That as you ascend to the Gods, all the people you love will drown in hell, waiting for you to rescue them but no longer convinced that anything is possible?? What the fuck kind of cruel twisted lullaby is that?

You walk around the cities and parks of the world. Stare at birds and flowers and old ladies with their monk-like dumbness and you want to just tell them to keep on living in their bubble because.... i forget what i wanted to say.

Am i an alien? Is that it? Can we really be the same species with all these hum-ants? I never wanted this fucking awareness shit.

I wanna be a happy slave. Willingly bend over and take it up the ass like a good little school girl.

So yeah.

Hi.

Life is getting better, it is. Figuring out what my values are. But I'm an addict and you know what they say, never trust an addict. It's like I really wanna be depressed but my newfound wisdom just says "thoughts and feelings" that's all there is.

Depression is another dumb idea for losers who want to just stay where they are in life. It's a clever disguise. Being depressed implies that your are somebody that is something. We all know that there's no substance to anything at all. Just a dynamic movement of random reactions and things hunting other things to stay alive.

Lights and sounds, all around. You try to meditate outside but all of the machines and insects start to sound like symphonies. What a fucking distraction. It's hard to find some proper silence these days. The more closer you get, it's like some prick is turning up the volume of the "hum" or "om".

You're way past going to see someone for this. You will traumatize those bastards.

You can go in anytime. Into It !! Different paths and approaches: kindness, calm, humor, yoga of the moment... you can dance like a madman and feel the void in its entirety. Right here right now anytime any place. I don't give a fuck if its the presidents funeral. When the void calls, you better be ready boy.

That's the real challenge and I KNOW it's waiting for me. I'm procrastinating.

Money, sex, travel, happiness, business, art, writing, reading...

I was gonna add Leo's course to that list but actually that's one of the few things that seem to really be taking me towards the void. And it's scary. It's hard work. All these value assessments and shit. God damn it. I just thought i wanted money and pussy. Not "love" and "truth" and "beauty". But i knew what this was about when signed up for this shit. I enlisted in the greatest army there is. They love young handsome soldiers like me. Leo recruits them young.

What the hell man.

Can i throw up the red pill and pretend we never met?

(puts finger down throat)

Hahahahahahaaaaaa

(vomit of laughter)

"Best joke i've heard all year." 

That's like asking to be unborn. To press rewind and go back to ....

The void.

It's inescapable.

Waiting for you to shut all this bullshit off.

The darkness.
The silence.
The light.

It's waiting for you. Legs spread wide open. Rock hard. The king of all pleasure and pain and sorrow.

There's a bloody hell of a revolution to crawl through to even get out of the prison. You fight the war and kill all your enemies and then find your people dead and see the enemy boss in the mirror.

Takes another sip of some shitty disgusting beer.

Ugh.

Even jerked off twice today.


I want more.

MORE MORE MORE MORE.

And the headache.

Aaa.

God let me just fucking be.


I dont want to face anything. I want to keep on running away from reality and intoxicating myself and staying here with all these good hearted people who keep me down.


You must continue.

Stay strong brother.


You have come this far.

JUST. KEEP. GOING.



I wish i still knew how to cry hard.