I Am The Ocean, I Am The See, There Is A World Inside Of Me

[Armik]

I want too much from life and I am getting a lot from life as well. I am 24.  Was able to come to study abroad, to build my network, to be able to work in a job I did not like and to change to a place I like. I am also about to become a shareholder. Working at the same time on my self development and physical look. But many times I feel lost as well...

Since I was a  child I always wanted more... I always thought I cannot dye without extraordinary results... but what are extraordinary results? I want to figure out that. I know I can get what I want to. but is that what I really want? where is the limit? Where is the line between self delusion and self awareness.. is there a truth in life? Is there a purpose why we are here.. why do I feel that I have this higher sense in me yet I am conditioned with lower desires, needs and wants... Can I be developed enough to have both sides in me and use them to my own benefit?

 

I want to document my journey... I cannot put myself in any category and maybe that is a problem as well... There is so much to say yet there are not enought words to explain... I want to find my pure self! free, happy, wild and connected to the very core of the universe... I want to figure out what is to be a human and why we are here...I am afraid of death I know... But I am ready to take the battle 

 

Edited July 3, 2017 by Armik

[Armik]

I am doing or let me put it differently educating myself self development and actualization already 2 years... I think I have been putting it in more action after 6 or 7 months... But one of the things that is really interesting that it kind of feels like I have destroyed  myself in order to be reborn... And what I am finding now is not a new me .It just feels I am going back to my roots... As when I was not formed as a person...And then it becomes confusing.I don't want to form myself in a way again because it means somehow not growing again. I think I am a pretty unbalanced person so to say. In a sense I always take things to extreme and this is one of the challenges I am trying to overcome..When I am doing something new I just take what I was doing before as a complete wrong thing and start committing  myself to the new thing..what I find usually it is not "the thing" and I feel lost.

For example I start a new eating habits and I jsut cross all my knowledge about what I already new or was doing before and the it turns out this new way is not working as I thought it should. And then instead of taking it to be just a learning of the process I go and binge. Or get disappointed for days 

The same with working.I don't know where to stop and give myself a break until my body and soul really feel suppressed.

I have changed a lot and I am able to look at things differently.I am proud of that and happy. At the same time I feel confused many times. I know that I had many achievements I will not be able to have today without the changes in my mind and that is amazing. But sometimes I am not sure how to make the decision between the cost and the result.. I guess I need to do more self discovery and definitely self acceptance work..

I can even feel when I a writing something .How chaotic is everything in my head. Lots of abstractions or to many details. Lots of topics but at the same time relations between them. 

I wonder sometimes if anyone else struggles with having just too many thoughts. it can drive crazy  And it is going to be so hard now to do meditation. 

 

[ajasatya]

@Armik hello there. your difficulties reminded me of the difficulties i had.

have you ever considered having yoga classes? joining a zen sangha?

good luck!

[Electron]

@Armik

On 7/4/2017 at 5:06 AM, Armik said:

Since I was a  child I always wanted more... I always thought I cannot dye without extraordinary results... but what are extraordinary results? I want to figure out that. I know I can get what I want to. but is that what I really want? where is the limit? Where is the line between self delusion and self awareness.. is there a truth in life? Is there a purpose why we are here.. why do I feel that I have this higher sense in me yet I am conditioned with lower desires, needs and wants..

That's Me right there..!! ☺

Boy I often wonder how similar we all are from inside. 

[Armik]

19 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@Armik hello there. your difficulties reminded me of the difficulties i had.

have you ever considered having yoga classes? joining a zen sangha?

good luck!

That is interesting to hear

Hm actually no. Just yoga for 3 or 4 times. Maybe I can think sparing some time for that. How did that help you?

Edited July 9, 2017 by Armik

[Armik]

17 hours ago, Electron said:

@Armik

That's Me right there..!! ☺

Boy I often wonder how similar we all are from inside. 

  Yes but ironically we tend to think it is just me

[ajasatya]

27 minutes ago, Armik said:

That is interesting to hear

Hm actually no. Just yoga for 3 or 4 times. Maybe I can think sparing some time for that. How did that help you?

yoga teaches me how to manage my sexual energy and zen teaches me contentment

[Armik]

On 7/9/2017 at 9:16 PM, ajasatya said:

yoga teaches me how to manage my sexual energy and zen teaches me contentment

interesting. thnaks

[Armik]

LIMITED BELIEFS VS SELF DEVELOPMENT: How happiness is affected?

I usually like to think:) However, this one thought is bothering me for a while now... 

I (assumedly most of us) has few beliefs which basically shaped the world for me even without releasing. There were this certain rules in my head which defined how the world works, what is right and what is wrong based on my culture, childhood, experiences, subjective biases bla bla... However, not all of them were that negative... For example I had very romantic view towards intimate relationships, had a certain belief for success, God (or at least an undiscovered power which is kindness itself)... I saw much more value in general having friends, in beauty, etc. And at that poit those were not addictions or limited beliefs but THE REALITY. And I can say I was kind of well positioned on all of them.. So, in general I was a happy person. With swings from time to time depending which belief would be challenged but  even then I would just view it as a temporary pain which can be enjoyed or should be in one's life as well... What is important is that at some point I was more simple so to say.. And maybe I was better at enjoying small things or not overthinking things just enjoying them WITHOUT REASON JUST BECAUSE IT SI PLEASANT. And anyways I was a person who naturally would get pleasure from kind of high values like meaningful relationship, hard working, educating etc. (of course along with low desires )

Now a preview of current state. Firstly, I think without any elaboration it is clear that it was a very painful way to destroy these beliefs. It felt kind of losing your identity as those were the ones who would define you. Of course after some time you could see however yourself more free, more aware of yourself and your environment. But many times it is also so painful to see how much there is still in you that is limiting you but you also don't want to give up. Or even if you want does it worth it? I also find myself many times in situations where I just cannot enjoy simple things I am analyzing, or thinking or trying to understand. But don't we say that eventually what you want is just be. just be without overthinking even without becoming better...Or many times the path towards destroying so to say something in you actually can be so harmful that I am not sure if in the end it worths it. Because the question I am asking myself is am I happier now than I was before I started my self actualisation journey? I mean there is no way back because I already have the taste of it... but when I did not wasn't then I happier or connected just to the simple things which at some poit made my life easier and maybe in my case also happier?

 

I dont have the answer right now... Maybe it is still early ... I would like to understand this more

[Armik]

It is so interesting... There are so many times that I feel that I am living the days, the life that I wanted to live or get what I so wanted...And then I feel so much kind of resistance in my body ...It is like I just cannot move forward I know that I would need to do just that simple thing and I would get what I want and it feels like my whole body is resisting to make that call, to write that email... It feels so weird that actually you can do it. Not think about it not dream but really do it and have it... Weird.. I understand maybe at some point I was enjoying just wanting something and not having it...Or maybe deep in my mind I think I don't deserve it or it is too good

Also at this point I feel so many thoughts rushing through my head... I just cannot stop them and it causes so much anxiety... And I then I am not able to focus at all.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Armik