100 days

[MaxV]

100

So, I've been looking for ways to become more active on the forum. I've been lurking for quite some time, occasionally posting here and there on more trivial matters. 
 

In 100 days, I'll be turning 35.

I've spent a lot of this year soul-searching. And the thing is, I'm about as lost as I can be.

Don't get me wrong. I'm quite content with certain aspects of my life, and some things are going pretty well. But there's this lingering feeling that there's still so much more to do, learn, and discover. So much untapped potential to explore.

Well, day one has already been a bit rough. My dad is currently hospitalized in Sweden after suffering a serious fracture. Thankfully, his girlfriend is there with him, and it looks like arrangements have been made for his return home this Thursday.

I'm posting this mainly as a way of holding myself accountable.

The goal of this 100-day journey isn't necessarily to undergo some massive transformation. It's more about observing myself, reflecting, and giving myself a few gentle nudges in the right direction.

I'm also picking up the Life Purpose Course (LPC) again, which I had been working on previously.

I'll be sharing more about myself over the coming days.

Let's see where this goes.

[MaxV]

99

So, I think it's best to introduce myself a bit in this post, as well as map out where I'm at (whatever that even means) at the moment.

If I really think about it, I actually find it both easy and difficult to describe myself.

I'd consider myself to be about as average as it gets, both in terms of looks and intelligence. I might even say that I'm lagging behind my peers in certain areas, although I also realize that a lot of these comparisons are made up in my own head.

But I've always been curious. I've always asked a lot of "why" and "what if" questions. Life in general really interests me, even if it sometimes takes me quite a while to wrap my head around certain things.

I came across Actualized.org in 2017.

I'd recently dated a girl I was head over heels in love with. I was still pretty naive, thinking that if two people really clicked, things would probably work out.

Oh boy, did I find out otherwise.

This particular heartbreak hit me pretty hard. I think my naivety made it even worse. It took me months to get over her.

At some point, I started Googling things like "how to stop feeling awful", and that's when I came across The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Actualized.org, particularly the video about self-acceptance.

A lot of interesting things started happening after that.

The book itself clicked with me pretty quickly. And when I read about the "awareness behind thought", something happened. I experienced a subtle shift in consciousness, or awareness. It's a little hard to describe.

That marked the beginning of my journey into self-development and my growing interest in all these topics.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting too.. Hopefully i finally pass the driverstest for the motorcycle. 

[MaxV]

97

My father is back in The Netherlands which is a huge relief too, he just got home. So i'll be seeing him this weekend if everything goes right. I also took a day of monday to visit my sister.

And i finally passed the exam yesterday! oh the catharsis.. 
I can finally close this chapter and look forward to the new one!  But finally have some mental space again to focus on the progress. 

 

[MaxV]

93

Okay, so a week has already passed. I want to try to take this a bit more seriously, for my own sake.

I've already caught myself thinking, "Why did I even start this??"

But that's exactly the pattern I've followed for years. I still have so many limiting beliefs to work through.

Anyway, lots of things have happened.

My father had to go back to the hospital, but fortunately his condition stabilized and he's back home now. He's waiting for his appointment with the orthopedist tomorrow.

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. She turned 74... 74! My parents really are getting old. It has made me reflect quite a lot over the past couple of days.

I've been thinking about how quickly life goes by. How indifferent life can be, and how we're ultimately the ones who give it meaning. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, it can all still feel pretty meaningless.

But that shouldn't become an excuse to do nothing with our lives.

On a more positive note, I managed to push through a plateau in my workouts. That's one of the few areas where I can actually see and measure my progress. And it reminds me that progress is possible.

I actually feel a bit ashamed writing down such mundane things, especially when I see how far some people on this forum seem to be in their personal development.

Sometimes I feel intimidated, but also inspired.

I've also been helping my neighbor with some painting. I'm a house painter by trade, so it's something I'm pretty good at. I enjoy helping people with paint jobs because I know what a pain in the ass they can be when you don't know what you're doing. 

I'm planning to take on more side jobs in 2027. I could definitely use the extra money.

[MaxV]

Day 88

RESISTANCE.

Oh man, I feel so much of it.

One of the main things I struggle with personally is the pressure I put on myself when starting something new and trying to stick with it.

What started as a nice way to see how my life unfolds suddenly feels like the most important thing on the planet. And it's all out in the open for everyone to see how I act and whether I 'fail' at it. That's the thing... 'Failing' and 'everyone watching'.

12 days have already passed. Almost two weeks! It really shows how quickly time goes by, and how that can feel both like time slipping away and like something I can use as motivation.

 

Looking back at the first 12 days... Well, my father's surgery was successful! I'm going to see him this Sunday. That's a huge relief, especially after all the ups and downs of the past couple of weeks.

 

Last Monday, I also visited my sister at the treatment center where she's currently staying for anorexia. We had a family therapy session. My brother was there as well, and it was quite interesting because I learned a lot about what my parents were like when my siblings were younger. In a way, it was pretty confronting. Obviously, my parents are just human too. I know that intellectually, but hearing some of these things really made me reflect on it.

As for self-development, I haven't done all that much, if I'm honest. I wouldn't say I was completely slacking off, but I've definitely been more idle than I wanted to be. Writing this down and realizing how quickly time passes gives me a sense of urgency.

But that's also a trap for me personally. I've been in situations like this before. When the pressure starts building, I tend to bail on the whole thing altogether.

And that's a pattern I really want to break. Even if I only make a little progress during these hundred days, breaking that pattern alone would make the whole thing worthwhile.

[MaxV]

84

Being Ordinary & Finding Excuses

16 days have passed already... 16! It's incredible how time flies.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I feel like something is starting to shift in the way I approach life and myself.

I recently came across this video:

And it made me realize something. It's not that I don't want to become an amazing person or achieve great things. It's more about being okay with being average right now. And honestly, that realization has brought me quite a bit of relief.

I've always felt like I wasn't enough. There was always something better to achieve, or a better version of myself I needed to become. With music, with all kinds of hobbies, with pretty much everything. And ironically enough, accepting where I am right now seems to have created some space for those things again. I love making music, but I've always put pressure on myself to create something great. Now I just want to make music. It might turn out average, nothing particularly special, and that's okay. I just enjoy doing it.

The same goes for my work. I'm a house painter, and I'm actually quite good at it. A real journeyman. I've worked on some amazing projects, and I genuinely help people and leave their little corner of the world a better place. Home by home, office by office, monument by monument. And I still think there's room to grow here. Perhaps I'll even start my own company someday.

On the other hand, I've been finding it really difficult to post here. I keep looking for excuses not to. I've even started regretting this whole 100-day challenge. Why am I even doing this? What's the point?

I think I was starting to take it all way too seriously. But I should remind myself why I started in the first place: to observe how my life unfolds over these 100 days, and to see how I can influence that process.

I don't have to become a completely different person in 100 days. It's simply an opportunity to see what changes might happen along the way.

And honestly, this growing sense of self-acceptance, of being okay with being an ordinary person right now, is already a pretty interesting change in itself.

[MaxV]

74

I actually wanted to post yesterday, but ended up not doing it. I think it was a combination of laziness, resistance, and the fact that it was getting late.

Now it's early in the morning, and I'm usually at my best at these times.

So... the past couple of weeks have been both interesting and mundane. I've been sick... that time of year again. And I've also been on a date! Well... a date??

Long story short, I met a woman at work who's quite a bit older than me (she's 52), and we have quite an interesting connection and vibe going on. She's from another country, so communicating clearly with each other can sometimes be a bit difficult.

We'd already been on two 'dates' before, and I wasn't quite sure what to make of the whole situation. She's very attractive and fit, especially considering she's 52.. She looks a lot younger than that. There's definitely some chemistry between us, and I'm open-minded about exploring these kinds of experiences.

Anyway, at the end of our second date, she kissed me, which caught me quite by surprise. I mean, we'd hugged a bit and had some physical contact, but I hadn't planned on initiating a kiss myself.

Afterwards, we stayed in touch a little over text, but this is where I started noticing some differences in how we communicate. It's quite difficult to properly connect with her through messages, and she kept sending voice messages. Eventually, our contact gradually faded.

Until about two weeks ago...

I went to work and suddenly saw her there again. I felt a bit awkward because I knew our contact had faded, even though our last meeting had ended with a kiss. But we picked things up again and arranged a third meeting.

She wanted to visit a museum, but suggested spicing things up a little with some weed.

I was quite surprised, but why not? I've got some experience with it myself, and I'm open to interesting new experiences.

At one point, I tried to cuddle up to her, but she told me she didn't feel comfortable with that. So I immediately apologized and gave her some space.

We smoked, talked for a while, and then went to the museum. By that point, I felt a little weird and closed off because I hadn't meant to make the situation awkward. I knew exactly why I was feeling that way, though. I didn't want to make things any more uncomfortable.

At the museum, we got some coffee, and she suddenly pointed out that I seemed distant. She could sense it, and she was right. I was holding back because I didn't want to make the situation any more awkward.

Then, almost in passing, she told me that she'd felt hurt when I stopped contacting her after our previous date.

And I understood that. Although part of me also thought, Well, why didn't you reach out yourself? We're both adults, right? But perhaps she has a more traditional approach to dating. Who knows.

I explained that I also felt bad about trying to cuddle up to her earlier. But she told me it was okay, that I'd apologized and respected her boundaries, and that we should just enjoy our coffee and the museum.

The museum itself was quite interesting, but I found it difficult to shake off my thoughts. I just wanted to talk things through with her because the tension was starting to make my stomach churn.

After the museum, we finally had a proper conversation, and things became a lot clearer.

I told her about my fears and uncertainties regarding the situation. I find her attractive, but I don't see this ever becoming a serious relationship. For me, the age difference is simply too big for that to work.

But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy her company. She's a very intelligent, funny, and interesting woman.

What had been bothering me was that I had no idea what she expected from me. I didn't want to lead her on or create expectations that might eventually hurt her feelings. I also acknowledged that I should have communicated better instead of pulling away.

And I think that's something worth paying attention to in myself. When I'm afraid of making someone uncomfortable or doing something wrong, I sometimes withdraw instead of simply communicating about it.

Anyway, in the end, we cleared things up. Neither of us is looking for anything serious. We simply enjoy each other's company and the attraction between us, without needing to turn it into something more.

After that conversation, we both relaxed. She wanted to cuddle for a bit, and when we walked to the place where we'd go our separate ways, we kissed again.

So, where does that leave me?

Honestly, I'm just going with the flow and seeing what happens.