From Misfit To Friendships

[alextheselfdeveloper]

This is my first journal entry on the actualized.org forum, and i'd like to describe my situation with a bit of altitude and clarify where i am in my life at the moment.

 

In the most recent times my focus has been a lot of the social aspect of life, focusing on friends and also an intimate relationship. This has had its ups and downs, and a few days ago i feel that law of attraction was active in my mind, because as i was working with a friend in our music studio, he brought three friends more, and we had an amazing studio session and came along together really great. For the first time in my life i feel like i had been together with a social circle in which i genuinely felt happy to be in and which i actually felt friendships with in group

 

I actually haven't felt friendships like that ever in my 24 years of existing... 

 

To give some backstory upon my lonely journey, i was raised by my swedish single mom in a swedish school but had an immigrant dad from romania which made me mixed, and throughout my school period i never really felt part of the friend group there and felt really like an outsider due to my skin colour and i was also picked on it by all of the kids that where white in school. My early experience with that damaged my relationship to people and relationships in general so that even when i got older and got introduced to other immigrant assocciates in school, i felt traumatized and low self-esteem which made me feel unworthy of friendships with them and generally insecure, simountaneisly experiencing identity crisis due to the conflict of my swedish and romanian identity and family split/seperation. It's safe to say that my social experience in school was problematic and pretty dysfunctional.

I guess somehow that's in a subconcious way how or why i gravitated to personal development, so i could make something out of myself and become a somebody and something worthy of being a friend to, and compensate out for all the negative experience which i had been subject to as a child.

 

At the moment i feel more identified with my foreigner identity (romanian) and hiphop identity, and we are coming together as foreigners, making hiphop music upon this shared group identity or collective ego and operating under this shared collective-unity. This in a sense satiates my need for friendship in a way that i couldn't manage to succeed at in my school or early adult life.

 

Maybe i am putting too much hopes in this friend group, and i agree that i probably am. However even if it doesn't work out the way i hope it will, i will still be served by having this reference experience which most defenitely proves that it is very possible to me to have fullfilling friendships at the state upon which i'm existing in right now.

 

I intended in this journal to write about different aspects of my life, but i noticed i had a ton to say about this friendship/relationship topic, so i'm gonna leave it just as that for now and keep other areas of my life in different entries of this self-actualization blog. You may think this really doesn't have to do with self-actualization, but i'd refer to Leo's video about maslows needs to argue that friendship would be a lower level need that would fuel the more glamourous self-actualization aspects. I hope someone who may have struggled with friendships reads this and becomes inspired and open to the possibility of themselves 'finding their tribe' without souding cliché. Maybe you have been in my situation and i can be a living example of it being possible to reach a different friendship situation.

 

Thanks for reading and i hope you found my little story interesting or helpful. /Alexander