A god awful problem I have with support groups

[trenton]

Basically, I want to connect to people. I feel so much better when there are people I feel safe with. The absolutely God awful problem is that the only place I can reliably find these people are with support groups.

It gets worse. The only support groups that are actually good enough for me are in places like hospital settings and inpatient care for severe depression. The horrible thing is that this is where I feel a sense of belonging with people I can actually relate to and feel safe with. There is actually a routine with which I can predictably see the same people without feeling like I'm in danger.

Meanwhile, the other support groups are not good enough. Transportation is often a problem. Additionally, in order to actually get the kind of support I need outside of inpatient, it would require me to reorganize my entire life which is what I want help with doing because I feel way too alone. I also tried getting a job at one of those and they just delayed me for months and months on end. They seem overloaded.

An additional problem is that I was already promised that inpatient would help me get away from my family. They instead sent me back to them over suicidal thoughts caused by my family. I realize that this is a similar psychological mechanism that gets people in jail over and over again. The only place where I can find belonging is in a place where I shouldn't be. At the same time, I have doubts that they would actually help outside of temporary stabilization.

In order to get stabilization outside of inpatient, It requires a lot of work while carrying a heavy emotional burden alone. The work I have been doing was a lot of independent research on a broad range of topics, often trying to get knowledge of how human psychology works in order to detect and understand why my pathologies are emerging, what I can do, and how I can keep myself safe.

The problem is that according to my research, I need a sense of belonging. This sense of belonging cannot be found with more knowledge. It requires finding people I can connect to. This is a recurring theme across all of my psychological problems. This is also why I want to live on college campus so I can try to find a new group of people to associate with. I want something outside of mental health that makes things worse long term.

The reason the system I would be turning to makes things worse is because they shove a bunch a pills down your throat, temporarily make you feel better, and then set you up for relapse by leaving you without a future. This is all done while draining you until you are homeless or you die.

I hate being alone. But in order to not be alone, I would have to do a lot of difficult emotional labor alone. A lot of times it seems unbearable. I often feel like it isn't worth it if death seems like the easy way out. The reason I haven't killed myself is because I could choose, or I could choose perpetual misery with the life I have, or I could choose an uncertain future by living on college campus and building a completely different life. Uncertainty is actually a good thing here because at least there is the possibility of a good outcome. If I fail and end up in a worse position, then I can revisit the idea of killing myself via a method I won't detail.

Additionally, my psychological profile predicts that I would stay stuck in life rather than improve. I know the mechanism by which my psyche stays stuck. One factor is rumination on grief due to a lack of healthy relationships due to family estrangement and difficulty finding the support I need. In reality it barely exists at all unless I do all of the emotional labor necessary to get it, at which point I won't need it anymore.

I especially hate weekends as that is the most isolating time of all. Everything is closed and there is much less to do. Personal development is what I reach for because I struggle to find anything else that would help. No hero is coming even when I actively look for professionals that specialize in my needs specifically.

I hate life. I reach for spirituality from a broken place. I reach for achievement to find anything worth pursuing. Eventually, I just burnout. My desires have too frequently been an obstacle to overcome rather than something to embrace. This is part of why personal development is a mismatch for me as it falsely assumes my desires and passions are actually conducive to improvement. Instead I end up learning I'm supposed to grieve and then build a totally different life unrelated to my passions and for some reason not kill myself.

There are way too many cracks in society for me to fall through. I want to take a shot with college, but the loneliness in the process feels unbearable. This is probably why I post a bunch a stuff like this on the forum because I wish I had somebody, but in the end the forum can't really solve this kind of problem either. It goes back to the same problem driving all my other problems.

I ended up being recommended dating by multiple therapists, but this needs to be balances with employment problems and childhood sexual abuse which is what drove me into isolation to begin with. It particularly made me avoidant of dating.

I also want to model what a healthy psyche for me would look like. I modeled all the versions of problems I could have with my psyche, but I want to focus on building the better psyche which requires connection and belonging. I tried to find a way to build a psychological fortress against this dilemma, but it doesn't seem to hold given enough time.

I think there was an actualized video on loneliness in personal development a while back. Maybe I can find that video and watch it.