Rise UP

[Shari]

This journal will be a record of my efforts to become a better person wholly. I will talk about my goals, my fears, my motivations, my dreams, my conversations with my spirit guides, and anything else that has to do with my advancement as a human being in 2026. Today is day one. Tomorrow I will rise. I will not sleep in. I will make my appointments as well as commit to some serious writing for the day. I will watch what I eat and keep my living space clean. I live a minimalistic lifestyle, so it will be much easier for me to clamp down on things and focus. I will remain a vegetarian. I will call my mother faithfully every day as she wants me to. I will stick to my schedule properly. There will be no drugs, drinking, or smoking. This is my chance at becoming the person I've always wanted to be. I am almost already there, I just have to fine-tune things consistently, and my life will be complete with a humble grace. See ya.

[Shari]

Today I was walking down the street, and someone I recognized from my past was walking toward me, saying out loud, "Drugs? There's a school right there, and I found drugs?!" Apparently, he did find a larger baggie of meth (I could see from where I stood), and he was pissed. He never used frugs back then, and I guess he's still not practicing. Good for him. The thing is, if he had taken a different way, he would not have found the baggie, and I would have, no doubt about it. That is why I firmly believe that God arranged things to happen as they did, so that I wouldn't have the burden of finding it, wondering what to do with it, and possibly screwing up my sobriety. In hindsight, I don't think I would have used it, but selling it or giving it away is no better, right? I'm just grateful it happened the way it did (It still would have been a great fing, though, my addict mind is saying to me. Stupid, eh.).

[Shari]

Today is moving slowly, and I don't feel very motivated to do anything really. I want to use so badly right now I can taste it literally, and I don't feel like I can do this. I keep saying to myself, "I quit, I quit, I quit." but it doesn't seem to help. I'll just try to stay in the moment and stay clear of anyone eho is using or holding. It is all I can do. I can't hide from life and its elements.

[Shari]

I fucked up today and bought a point of meth. I'm feeling super guilty about it right now, but I cannot wallow in it. I need to pick myself right back up again and start over. It was a stupid decision, and I will make amends to God for this somehow. Why did I do this? I don't know. I am an addict without a support system, but I know I can do this on my own if I apply myself. Today I failed at reality. Tomorrow I will begin again.

[Shari]

Today, everyone got this grocery rebate for $249.00. I did not, or should I say, when I go to the bank, it may be in there. The thing is, my bank is all the way at the Devonshire Mall area. It's not that I'm lazy. Hardly the fact. Actually, I detest even thinking about the possibility that the money won't be in there. I'll be embarrassed because the cashier will see my disappointment, and the bus ride back will be a total drag. I set myself up for these fears, and I need to change my cognitive thinking in order to get this done and stop procrastinating. I'm missing out in so much, and time is passinf by fast. I only have this one life, and I know I need to experience it living in the present, each and every small thing a blessing from God. I realize all of this, but at the same time, earlier, when I thought about my financial worries, I wanted to die. I truely did. I hope tomorrow proves to be a better day when I do go to the bank, regardless if the money is there or not. I have to find out.