Searching for the source

[Breakingthewall]

I close my eyes. Reality is limitless blackness, physical sensation, absolutely no mental noise, no self-reference, no questions. Empty mind, relaxed body, no contraction, no foundation, no fear. It is a pleasant state, but it is not the opening to the source.

I know that within me lies access to the totality, the opening to the great mystery. Accessing it is not something I can do at will; it is something that, at a certain moment, happens. It is not a vision, nor an understanding , it is an opening. Something within me opens. Poetically, I would say: my heart opens.

Empty and clear perception is still closed; it does not reveal its essence. An act of surrender is necessary, a very specific disposition of the spirit in which everything is accepted: accepting that reality may be a dead void, total disappearance, whatever reality truly is , opening your heart to it, giving yourself without reservation.

This is a form of self-hacking because, in truth, I want to open access to the source, but I eliminate that impulse. I place myself in a condition where that desire no longer exists; I do not even know it is possible anymore.

One or two puffs of marijuana loosen certain mechanisms within my structure. Two or three maximum doses of N,N-DMT also help, because they always turn experience into an absolute void without self. This is deeply intimidating, and doing it repeatedly creates enormous reluctance, but it is done because there is an objective being sought.

After this, the psychological structure relaxes; the mechanisms of closure loosen. Then comes meditation, absolute silence, empty mind. And then sometimes ,  only sometimes , the source opens.

At a certain moment, it becomes absolutely obvious. Reality is a bottomless abyss. I am that bottomless abyss, and at the depth of that abyss, the revelation occurs. The source.
It is something that cannot be thought, and when you are closed to it, you feel misery. The source is everything. You are that. It is total, unfathomable, the absolute power of limitless reality, the unfathomable source from which life, the universe, and the living dance of unimaginable glory emanate.

The source burns your psyche. There is no longer psyche , there is only the source. Your openness to it is only partial, but glimpsing the source even for an instant vaporizes your psychic structure, and once its radiance has been seen, something of it remains.

But it does not remain forever. You are not “enlightened”; that is a myth. After some time, it gradually closes again, and eventually it is no longer clearly intuited. If you let yourself be carried away by circumstances, you return to a closed state , frustrating and lacking.

One must be perceptive and understand that nothing is worth this closure. Little by little, your attitude and your mental and emotional functioning begin to align with the necessary order so that psychological density no longer dominates you.

It's hard being isolated from yourself, it's misery. You could have the entire world, that's nothing, just a nonsense. If you are closed to yourself, that's just misery.