11C Journal

[caspex]

Compulsions which restraint one's will and their counterparts

1. Pride / Humility
2. Vainglory / Authenticity
3. Greed / Charity
4. Lust / Chastity
5. Wrath / Patience
6. Envy / Respect 
7. Gluttony / Temperance 
8. Sloth / Diligence 
9. Cowardice / Courage
10. Raga / Vairagya
11. Boredom / Peace

This journal is about me working through these compulsions and reaching some sort of predetermined benchmark. I assume that unless something structurally flawed comes up in the concept of this journal, it should run on for years. 

 

I want to start off by working on Sloth & Cowardice together. They go hand in hand in my situation. Either I act a coward or get sucked into comfort. These are the two compulsions which are affecting me the most in a negative way. Now that I have identified these problems I don't want to theorize anymore.

I want to move from a theory oriented person to an action oriented person. I have been a coward for so long. My sloth made me eventually fear failure and now I am stuck as a coward who is too afraid to start things, commit or say yes to friends for any plans. This is why I lie a lot to cover my tracks. I look a lot better than I actually am.

It's time to become more courageous and diligent. I don't yet know how I will go about this, but instead of theorizing some more I am gonna be brave and dive headfirst into the things I have been avoiding and see what happens from there. I am not gonna set a benchmark just yet to determine exactly when I am done with developing Courage and Diligence; this is because I am not yet developed enough in these areas to even set any sort of benchmarks.

Just so I can't back out and be a coward again, I am gonna set a rule to post here at least every 2 days if not everyday. I just know I will have some sort of bad day and then my cowardice will compel me to not write about it, which will eventually lead me to abandon this journal. I am gonna be brave and work through this.

I am gonna commit hard here because I am too much of a coward to commit normally. This is the type of stuff that will make me more courageous. If I fail after committing hard that will be a learning experience. I have been playing it too safe. This is why I am gonna make a public journal about it. 

I don't care if people see me as a coward, I am willing to be vulnerable because I am brave. 

 

[caspex]

Yesterday I powered through the fear and sat down to study again. All in all I was less of a coward yesterday, which is what counts. 

There was a point in time where I understood how to study for 8 hours a day and did it for a week, but the problem was never the logistics or my approach. It really was my mindset. Something bad happened and that caused me to completely give up until yesterday.

It's because I was a coward who couldn't get back up due to the fear of failure. I was so sick and tired of failing and I still am. But I have to keep going.

It's hard to even say "I'll do my best" because I am so uncertain about my future actions. I am afraid that once I say that, I won't really do my best. That emotional labor is grueling. 

But I have decided to be brave. I am gonna study more today, and finally pick up some dumbbells. 

I'll do my best.

 

More thoughts about the 11C:

Gluttony occurs in Over-Stimulation; Boredom occurs in Under-Stimulation.

Dissolving Gluttony means not chasing stimulation beyond needed, dissolving Boredom means finding stillness in under-stimulation. 

Easy to confuse the two.

[caspex]

I was too slothful today. I didn't study at all. But I know I wasn't a coward. The reason I didn't study was because of comfort, not fear. I did exercise though.

I really don't get how to overcome this bondage to comfort. With cowardice you just act despite the fear, that is courage after all. With sloth do you just forsake the comfort? 

Let me look up the definition for diligence:
"careful work or great effort"
"the quality of working carefully and with a lot of effort"

The idea at least sounds quite stressful. Me holding on to that comfort might be causing the stress. Hm.

.

.

After some thinking I don't think you must 'forsake' comfort. Comfort is akin to the feeling of security and certainty. I doubt anybody who can act consistently and diligently can do so for long without feeling some sort of comfort in what they are doing. 

Definition of comfort:
"a pleasant feeling of being relaxed and free from pain"

Yeah, it'd be pretty hard to be consistent in the gym if you feel pain every time you exercise. Every person I have seen that has been consistent in the gym for years has found the gym a quite comforting place. They found some sort of comfort in the exercise and place.

I also remember that when I was consistent in my studying last year just before one of my exams, I found this strange comfort in the subject I was studying. It was as if that book was my home. Studying the chapters so many times gave me a sense of familiarity. Flipping the pages felt like walking through streets you're too familiar with. 

So the the way to solve cowardice is acting despite fear, and the way to solve sloth is finding comfort in what needs to be done? 

.

.

This gives me a lead to work off on. I will try to find comfort i.e. security and certainty within my studies tomorrow. 

When I wrote the above sentence I felt a physical reaction in my body. It recoiled at the idea of ever finding comfort in those books. This is VERY interesting.

Yeah, fuck the fear. I am doing it. I am brave. Let's try this tomorrow and see what happens. 

[caspex]

I studied well today in the sense I did not waste as much time as I would. I worked fast with all the others chores I had, and instead of getting frustrated that they were eating up my study time, I simply let it go. I don't want wrath have its way now do I?

Studying is different from working out because you may be studying something you may not find particularly enjoying but you need to anyways. How do you find comfort in that?

I think the key is to build security and certainty. - 

• Being mindful of how good it feels to not procrastinate.  After suffering so much at the hands of my sloth, studying for once actually feels quite nice.
• One needs to be aware of the sense of security they feel when they are actually working towards their goals. There's a comfort in knowing that you are progressing even if little by little. You can choose to focus on whether or not you are progressing fast enough but that's a later observation. One needs to first be mindful of and take comfort in the sense of security in progress. 
• If you set a schedule, and maybe use a technique like Pomodoro, it will introduce sufficient certainty in the mix. However, there's a trap; It's actually easy to start anticipating the end of the session but that anticipation is a sneaky trap which breeds sloth. 
  When you anticipate the end of the session you are admitting to yourself you are currently uncomfortable. What you should instead focus on is finishing the task at hand within the session. Maybe finishing a chapter of revision in the given session. It's a goal which is possible within the time frame but not too easy. It's sufficient challenge. At least that is enough to shift my focus from anticipation of the end to almost dreading the end because I want to finish a clean target within the time frame. If I can't, there is always the next session. Remember, the goal was never to finish a task within the session, the goal was to just distract yourself. 

I am still figuring this out but that's all I know so far. Really, I will know I am diligent once I am able to be consistent with not just my studies but also my working out. 

I am starting to get little inklings of what my benchmark should be for determining when I have become sufficiently courageous and diligent to move on to other compulsions. 

• The benchmark for courage could be something related to repeated failures and the ability to get back up and try again. It could be related to one's ability to hold on to hope.
• The benchmark for diligence can be something related to consistency or one's ability to put in effort regardless of reward. Testing one's principle of doing a job well. How seriously you take your task. 

Again, these are just inklings-- vague ideas, you could say. Might be completely wrong.

--

I bought some weights because it's much less resistance than having to visit the gym. Is it the most optimal way to get fit? No, absolutely not. I am not remotely close to any sort of optimal health plan or diet. However, that's not my goal. My goal isn't achieving a healthy body, it's achieving a diligent mind that acts towards meaningful targets. A healthy body is just one of those targets. 

As my mind becomes diligent and brave, it will leave more room to optimize my working out, diet and studies. 

 

[caspex]

Courage is acting despite fear. Diligence is finding comfort in the right things.