11C Journal

[caspex]

Compulsions which restraint one's will and their counterparts

1. Pride / Humility
2. Vainglory / Authenticity
3. Greed / Charity
4. Lust / Chastity
5. Wrath / Patience
6. Envy / Respect 
7. Gluttony / Temperance 
8. Sloth / Diligence 
9. Cowardice / Courage
10. Raga / Vairagya
11. Boredom / Peace

This journal is about me working through these compulsions and reaching some sort of predetermined benchmark. I assume that unless something structurally flawed comes up in the concept of this journal, it should run on for years. 

 

I want to start off by working on Sloth & Cowardice together. They go hand in hand in my situation. Either I act a coward or get sucked into comfort. These are the two compulsions which are affecting me the most in a negative way. Now that I have identified these problems I don't want to theorize anymore.

I want to move from a theory oriented person to an action oriented person. I have been a coward for so long. My sloth made me eventually fear failure and now I am stuck as a coward who is too afraid to start things, commit or say yes to friends for any plans. This is why I lie a lot to cover my tracks. I look a lot better than I actually am.

It's time to become more courageous and diligent. I don't yet know how I will go about this, but instead of theorizing some more I am gonna be brave and dive headfirst into the things I have been avoiding and see what happens from there. I am not gonna set a benchmark just yet to determine exactly when I am done with developing Courage and Diligence; this is because I am not yet developed enough in these areas to even set any sort of benchmarks.

Just so I can't back out and be a coward again, I am gonna set a rule to post here at least every 2 days if not everyday. I just know I will have some sort of bad day and then my cowardice will compel me to not write about it, which will eventually lead me to abandon this journal. I am gonna be brave and work through this.

I am gonna commit hard here because I am too much of a coward to commit normally. This is the type of stuff that will make me more courageous. If I fail after committing hard that will be a learning experience. I have been playing it too safe. This is why I am gonna make a public journal about it. 

I don't care if people see me as a coward, I am willing to be vulnerable because I am brave. 

 

[caspex]

Yesterday I powered through the fear and sat down to study again. All in all I was less of a coward yesterday, which is what counts. 

There was a point in time where I understood how to study for 8 hours a day and did it for a week, but the problem was never the logistics or my approach. It really was my mindset. Something bad happened and that caused me to completely give up until yesterday.

It's because I was a coward who couldn't get back up due to the fear of failure. I was so sick and tired of failing and I still am. But I have to keep going.

It's hard to even say "I'll do my best" because I am so uncertain about my future actions. I am afraid that once I say that, I won't really do my best. That emotional labor is grueling. 

But I have decided to be brave. I am gonna study more today, and finally pick up some dumbbells. 

I'll do my best.

 

More thoughts about the 11C:

Gluttony occurs in Over-Stimulation; Boredom occurs in Under-Stimulation.

Dissolving Gluttony means not chasing stimulation beyond needed, dissolving Boredom means finding stillness in under-stimulation. 

Easy to confuse the two.

[caspex]

I was too slothful today. I didn't study at all. But I know I wasn't a coward. The reason I didn't study was because of comfort, not fear. I did exercise though.

I really don't get how to overcome this bondage to comfort. With cowardice you just act despite the fear, that is courage after all. With sloth do you just forsake the comfort? 

Let me look up the definition for diligence:
"careful work or great effort"
"the quality of working carefully and with a lot of effort"

The idea at least sounds quite stressful. Me holding on to that comfort might be causing the stress. Hm.

.

.

After some thinking I don't think you must 'forsake' comfort. Comfort is akin to the feeling of security and certainty. I doubt anybody who can act consistently and diligently can do so for long without feeling some sort of comfort in what they are doing. 

Definition of comfort:
"a pleasant feeling of being relaxed and free from pain"

Yeah, it'd be pretty hard to be consistent in the gym if you feel pain every time you exercise. Every person I have seen that has been consistent in the gym for years has found the gym a quite comforting place. They found some sort of comfort in the exercise and place.

I also remember that when I was consistent in my studying last year just before one of my exams, I found this strange comfort in the subject I was studying. It was as if that book was my home. Studying the chapters so many times gave me a sense of familiarity. Flipping the pages felt like walking through streets you're too familiar with. 

So the the way to solve cowardice is acting despite fear, and the way to solve sloth is finding comfort in what needs to be done? 

.

.

This gives me a lead to work off on. I will try to find comfort i.e. security and certainty within my studies tomorrow. 

When I wrote the above sentence I felt a physical reaction in my body. It recoiled at the idea of ever finding comfort in those books. This is VERY interesting.

Yeah, fuck the fear. I am doing it. I am brave. Let's try this tomorrow and see what happens.