11C Journal

[caspex]

Compulsions which restraint one's will and their counterparts

1. Pride / Humility
2. Vainglory / Authenticity
3. Greed / Charity
4. Lust / Chastity
5. Wrath / Patience
6. Envy / Respect 
7. Gluttony / Temperance 
8. Sloth / Diligence 
9. Cowardice / Courage
10. Raga / Vairagya
11. Boredom / Peace

This journal is about me working through these compulsions and reaching some sort of predetermined benchmark. I assume that unless something structurally flawed comes up in the concept of this journal, it should run on for years. 

 

I want to start off by working on Sloth & Cowardice together. They go hand in hand in my situation. Either I act a coward or get sucked into comfort. These are the two compulsions which are affecting me the most in a negative way. Now that I have identified these problems I don't want to theorize anymore.

I want to move from a theory oriented person to an action oriented person. I have been a coward for so long. My sloth made me eventually fear failure and now I am stuck as a coward who is too afraid to start things, commit or say yes to friends for any plans. This is why I lie a lot to cover my tracks. I look a lot better than I actually am.

It's time to become more courageous and diligent. I don't yet know how I will go about this, but instead of theorizing some more I am gonna be brave and dive headfirst into the things I have been avoiding and see what happens from there. I am not gonna set a benchmark just yet to determine exactly when I am done with developing Courage and Diligence; this is because I am not yet developed enough in these areas to even set any sort of benchmarks.

Just so I can't back out and be a coward again, I am gonna set a rule to post here at least every 2 days if not everyday. I just know I will have some sort of bad day and then my cowardice will compel me to not write about it, which will eventually lead me to abandon this journal. I am gonna be brave and work through this.

I am gonna commit hard here because I am too much of a coward to commit normally. This is the type of stuff that will make me more courageous. If I fail after committing hard that will be a learning experience. I have been playing it too safe. This is why I am gonna make a public journal about it. 

I don't care if people see me as a coward, I am willing to be vulnerable because I am brave. 

 

[caspex]

Yesterday I powered through the fear and sat down to study again. All in all I was less of a coward yesterday, which is what counts. 

There was a point in time where I understood how to study for 8 hours a day and did it for a week, but the problem was never the logistics or my approach. It really was my mindset. Something bad happened and that caused me to completely give up until yesterday.

It's because I was a coward who couldn't get back up due to the fear of failure. I was so sick and tired of failing and I still am. But I have to keep going.

It's hard to even say "I'll do my best" because I am so uncertain about my future actions. I am afraid that once I say that, I won't really do my best. That emotional labor is grueling. 

But I have decided to be brave. I am gonna study more today, and finally pick up some dumbbells. 

I'll do my best.

 

More thoughts about the 11C:

Gluttony occurs in Over-Stimulation; Boredom occurs in Under-Stimulation.

Dissolving Gluttony means not chasing stimulation beyond needed, dissolving Boredom means finding stillness in under-stimulation. 

Easy to confuse the two.