Journal

Someone here · Wednesday at 12:19 AM

These sick tracks by Ali Nadeem have lots of good memories for me .

Someone here · Wednesday at 05:04 AM

Enough spiritual wisdom for today.

Someone here · 2026-08-21T16:22:46Z

One of the worst things I have noticed about smoking is what happens when it becomes the very first thing I do after waking up. There is something psychologically powerful about the first action of the day. It sets a tone. It creates a kind of momentum that can quietly influence everything that follows.

When the first thing I do in the morning is smoke, I am essentially beginning the day by immediately giving in to an impulse. Before I have even had the chance to become fully conscious, to breathe, to think clearly, or to decide how I want to spend my day, I have already surrendered to a craving. And once that pattern is established, it becomes much easier for the rest of the day to follow the same direction. One impulsive decision can make another impulsive decision feel more natural, until the entire day begins to revolve around satisfying immediate desires rather than making deliberate choices.

The morning used to feel completely different to me. I remember waking up in a good mood, feeling relatively peaceful and I could sit down with my coffee and simply enjoy the beginning of the day. I would watch the golden rays of sunlight enter through the windows and fill the house. There was something beautiful about those quiet moments before the noise of life began .

Now, when I wake up, the experience can feel almost opposite. Instead of waking up slowly and naturally, I often wake up agitated. My mind immediately starts racing. Thoughts appear one after another and desires, cravings, expectations, and the urge to do something immediately. There is very little space between waking up and being pulled into stimulation. It feels as though my mind has forgotten how to simply be still.

That realization has made me understand that my problem is not only the cigarette itself. It is also the relationship I have developed with stimulation. For a long time, I trained my mind to constantly seek something: something to consume, something to think about, something to anticipate, something to crave, something to distract me from the present moment. Eventually, stillness itself began to feel uncomfortable.

Recently, however, I have noticed some meaningful improvements in my insomnia. I can fall asleep more easily and much faster than I used to. I believe a major part of this improvement has come from surrendering my addiction to mental stimulation.

Instead of constantly trying to entertain or stimulate my mind, I have started allowing it to become quiet. I am learning that I do not need to respond to every thought, satisfy every desire, or fill every empty moment with stimulation. Sometimes the mind needs nothing more than permission to rest.

Perhaps this is why the first moments after waking are so important. They are an opportunity to decide whether I will spend the day reacting to impulses or acting consciously. I don’t want my first decision of the day to be dictated by addiction. I want it to be a choice.

I want to wake up, breathe, drink my coffee, feel the sunlight, and simply be present for a few minutes. I want to remember what it feels like to begin the day without immediately needing something from it.

Edited 9 hours ago by Someone here

Someone here · 2026-08-21T18:36:11Z

There is a pattern in my life that I am beginning to recognize more clearly: my lowest lows are often followed by my highest highs. The intensity of one seems to be connected to the intensity of the other. When I experience a period of pain, uncertainty, boredom, disappointment, loneliness, or discomfort, I instinctively want to get out of it. I resist it. I question it. I wish it were different. I want to move quickly toward something more exciting, more fulfilling, more pleasurable. And then, when life eventually turns upward again, I embrace the high completely. I enjoy the excitement, the happiness, the energy, the sense that everything is working. But I rarely stop to recognize that the two experiences are connected.

Perhaps I have been looking at the lows as interruptions to life and the highs as life itself. But that is an incomplete way of seeing things.

The low is also life.

The boring day is life. The uncomfortable moment is life. The period when nothing seems to be happening is life. The uncertainty, the waiting, the frustration, the disappointment, the emptiness, the restlessness …etc all of it belongs to the same existence that contains the moments of joy, excitement, achievement, love etc.

I cannot selectively accept only the parts of life that feel good if I wish to not be frustrated by false expectations.

If I want to experience life fully, I have to become willing to experience the entire spectrum of it.

The highs feel so high partly because I know what it feels like to be low. Pleasure has contrast. Relief has contrast. Excitement has contrast.

happiness becomes more meaningful when it is not the permanent background state but something that rises and falls against everything else. If every moment were a high, eventually there would be no high. It would simply become normal. The extraordinary would become ordinary. I envy guys who have sexy girlfriends , but from the POV of a guy who has an attractive girlfriend he’s completely normal. He’s not losing sleep from the happiness overload or something.

i think I have sometimes unconsciously created the expectation that life should continuously move upward or that I should always be progressing, achieving, discovering, experiencing, improving, or feeling something pleasant . But life does not move in a straight line. It moves in cycles. There are periods of expansion and periods of contraction. There are moments when everything feels alive and moments when everything feels quiet. There are seasons of movement and seasons of stillness.

When I resist a difficult experience, I add another layer of suffering to it. There is the experience itself, and then there is my rejection of the experience. I am not only bored; I am frustrated that I am bored. I am not only uncomfortable ; I am thinking that I should not be uncomfortable.

I want to learn how to live the moment completely ..not only when the moment is beautiful or pleasurable, but also when it is mundane. I want to be able to sit inside an ordinary moment without immediately judging it as bad .

There can be an afternoon where nothing happens. There can be a week where I feel restless. There can be a period where I do not know exactly what I am doing. There can be days that feel repetitive and uneventful.Life will always forever have that dynamic . I cannot make all of life high.

I think I want to develop an acceptance relationship with the ordinary parts of existence.

And if I can truly accept that, perhaps I will experience the highs differently too. I will appreciate them more deeply .

Edited 7 hours ago by Someone here

Someone here · 2026-08-21T18:48:37Z

12 minutes ago, Someone here said:

There is a pattern in my life that I am beginning to recognize more clearly: my lowest lows are often followed by my highest highs. The intensity of one seems to be connected to the intensity of the other. When I experience a period of pain, uncertainty, boredom, disappointment, loneliness, or discomfort, I instinctively want to get out of it. I resist it. I question it. I wish it were different. I want to move quickly toward something more exciting, more fulfilling, more pleasurable. And then, when life eventually turns upward again, I embrace the high completely. I enjoy the excitement, the happiness, the energy, the sense that everything is working. But I rarely stop to recognize that the two experiences are connected.

Perhaps I have been looking at the lows as interruptions to life and the highs as life itself. But that is an incomplete way of seeing things.

The low is also life.

The boring day is life. The uncomfortable moment is life. The period when nothing seems to be happening is life. The uncertainty, the waiting, the frustration, the disappointment, the emptiness, the restlessness …etc all of it belongs to the same existence that contains the moments of joy, excitement, achievement, love etc.

I cannot selectively accept only the parts of life that feel good if I wish to not be frustrated by false expectations.

If I want to experience life fully, I have to become willing to experience the entire spectrum of it.

The highs feel so high partly because I know what it feels like to be low. Pleasure has contrast. Relief has contrast. Excitement has contrast.

happiness becomes more meaningful when it is not the permanent background state but something that rises and falls against everything else. If every moment were a high, eventually there would be no high. It would simply become normal. The extraordinary would become ordinary. I envy guys who have sexy girlfriends , but from the POV of a guy who has an attractive girlfriend he’s completely normal. He’s not losing sleep from the happiness overload or something.

i think I have sometimes unconsciously created the expectation that life should continuously move upward or that I should always be progressing, achieving, discovering, experiencing, improving, or feeling something pleasant . But life does not move in a straight line. It moves in cycles. There are periods of expansion and periods of contraction. There are moments when everything feels alive and moments when everything feels quiet. There are seasons of movement and seasons of stillness.

When I resist a difficult experience, I add another layer of suffering to it. There is the experience itself, and then there is my rejection of the experience. I am not only bored; I am frustrated that I am bored. I am not only uncomfortable ; I am thinking that I should not be uncomfortable.

I want to learn how to live the moment completely ..not only when the moment is beautiful or pleasurable, but also when it is mundane. I want to be able to sit inside an ordinary moment without immediately judging it as bad .

There can be an afternoon where nothing happens. There can be a week where I feel restless. There can be a period where I do not know exactly what I am doing. There can be days that feel repetitive and uneventful.Life will always forever have that dynamic . I cannot make all of life high.

I think I want to develop an acceptance relationship with the ordinary parts of existence.

And if I can truly accept that, perhaps I will experience the highs differently too. I will appreciate them more deeply .