Journal

[Someone here]

A journal for posting anything that comes to my mind regarding literary anything in my life or in life in general . I want to look back at it after few years and find that I went through a lot of things yet I’m still thriving and maturing. 

[Someone here]

Lately, I’ve been having difficulties with my sleep patterns. I struggle to go to bed early, mainly because I overuse my smartphone. I’ve identified the cause ..it’s really just the phone.

 

If I were living in a camp in nature without any technology, what would keep me up all night? I would probably go to bed early because there wouldn’t be much to do. I would simply lie down, relax, and let my mind wander, or watch the stars or the moon if it’s out, and just be present. This would gradually turn into a form of meditation and relaxation, and it wouldn’t take long for me to fall asleep.

 

So, I’ve realized that I need to do something to stop overusing my phone at night.

 

[Someone here]

I’m at a point in my life where I’m questioning my priorities. Ten years ago..I was deeply interested in philosophy and existential questions.. driven by curiosity and fascination about existence. When I discovered Leo’s content ..I immediately got hooked. I watched almost the entire playlist on metaphysics and epistemology. I wasn’t (and still am not) interested in topics like politics.

Lately however I’ve been rethinking this. I have a strong theoretical understanding of existential topics.. largely thanks to Leo..but now I’m leaning more toward living a peaceful..fulfilling life free of suffering. That feels more important to me now. There’s no need to endlessly question existence..not because these questions can’t be answered (they can..and Leo has done so for himself) but because I’m trying to think more realistically.

The apparent situation is that a human being who was born into this world and the basic conditions of life are already given. I have a body and a mind. The body has its own design and requires constant care and attention. It needs air..food, water..sleep..and basic hygiene. It also seeks pleasure and comfort. Sometimes it craves adventure and risk..other times it seeks dopamine..adrenaline or serotonin. Its needs are not static. There isn’t just one single thing that matters to me..it’s more complex than that.

I am now 30 years old. In another 30 years..I’ll be 60 approaching the later stages of my life..and I don’t want to look back with regret. At the same time..I’m aware of the idea that my existence might have a kind of “mission” and that even simple actions like raising my hand to write these words can feel almost fated.

I also recognize how this perspective could become an excuse for inaction. But I believe I’ve resolved that paradox for myself. The insight of non-doership is not a justification for passivity. Even if individual choice is an illusion, that doesn’t imply success or failure ..only that whatever happens isn’t entirely “my doing.”

Returning to the question of priorities: I simply don’t want to suffer. That’s it. I don’t want to deal with constant discomfort or headaches anymore. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. The question is how to achieve that…although in a way it may not be something that can be treated as a future goal. It’s now or never .

Edited April 15 by Someone here

[Someone here]

Yesterday..I smoked two cigarettes from two different brands after being on a one-week sobriety streak. For the first time something odd happened ..I immediately felt extremely bad and overwhelmed by negative emotions.

In a way I’m glad this happened because it means I’ve started to associate smoking with feeling anxious and depressed which was never the case before. In the past..I used to feel high and euphoric right after smoking..and only later would I feel the negative side effects like coughing.. nausea..and a burning sensation in my chest.

What’s new now is that I feel anxious and low almost immediately after lighting a cigarette. To me this shows that I’m developing a more serious mindset where smoking is no longer an option because I can’t even enjoy it anymore. I start to feel bad as soon as I light the cigarette.

 

[Someone here]

Lately I’ve found myself slipping back into old habits: smoking cigarettes…overusing my smartphone..doomscrolling..watching porn..staying awake until sunrise.. and relying heavily on caffeine through dark coffee..sweetened coffee and tea. Too much of these that I might drink three or more cups per day .

I’ve been trying to break these habits for a very long time…yet I keep ending up in the same place. It feels like I’m treating symptoms rather than addressing the underlying cause. I’m becoming convinced that if I don’t understand the root of these behaviors.. I’ll continue repeating the same cycle.

One of the biggest struggles in my life right now is insomnia and a constant sense of restlessness. It creates the perfect conditions for every unhealthy habit. When I can’t sleep..i  end up reaching for cigarettes to kill the stress in a masculine manner .. too much caffeine to refresh my tired body and mind .. watching pornography even though I’m not horny but just to get a kick of dopamine to stimulate myself..or endless scrolling simply to fill the long hours of the night. At the same time… I know these very habits make it even harder to sleep. So do these habits lead to insomnia and restlessness or does insomnia lead to them? It’s a vicious cycle where I can’t always tell which came first..because each one reinforces the other.

My intuition tells me that if I could genuinely overcome my insomnia.. many of these cravings would lose much of their power. I’ve noticed that the insomnia itself is usually fueled by an overactive and restless mind. My mind is so active and tired and restless. My attention has become conditioned by a constant stream of online content.. information and stimulation. Even when I consume things that seem intellectually valuable..like philosophy podcasts..educational videos..or spiritual content which is genuinely useful..I often realize that they are simply another form of mental noise. Deep down..I know I’m not really seeking wisdom anymore.. I’m feeding an addiction to constant stimulation.

The difficult part is that my mind always wants to be occupied. Whenever there is silence there is boredom or emptiness..then I instinctively reach for something to distract myself. It feels as though I can’t comfortably exist with reality as it is. Instead of being present.. I constantly seek another thought.. another video..another cigarette.. another cup of coffee.

For nearly a year I’ve felt torn between two different ways of living. One part of me longs for a quiet.. minimalist life rooted in meditation..simplicity..and inner peace. The other part craves excitement..intensity..novelty and constant stimulation. I keep swinging between these two extremes without fully committing to either.. and the result is that I never feel settled.

At this point..I’m beginning to believe that the direction I need is not more information..more theories.. or more intellectual analysis. What I need is to learn how to relax my mind and body..to become comfortable with stillness..and to experience the present moment without immediately trying to escape it through distractions or unhealthy habits.

The challenge is that I’ve tried this many times before. Sometimes I’ve had brief periods of success. Like three days ago I almost spent the entire day just resting in the stillness and peace of the present moment and I almost had an awakening to peace which I want to talk about distinctively..but eventually I fell back into the same noisy..overstimulating lifestyle. My question is no longer whether meditation or mindfulness can help .. they can. The real question is how to make those practices deep enough and consistent enough that they become my new way of living rather than another temporary experiment.

 

Edited 5 hours ago by Someone here

[Someone here]

Three days ago.. I experienced what I can only describe as a breakthrough after few glimpses of what felt like ultimate peace. It wasn’t the first time I had encountered this state..but it was profound enough that it made me reflect on the other moments when I had touched it. If I could somehow stabilize this experience and make it my ordinary way of being…I believe I would live with a deep sense of well-being for most of my life.

The first glimpse came while I was meditating in a temple. I had been reading a simple phrase that served as a kind of mantra: “God is peace…and from Him peace comes.” As I quietly repeated those words silently (without voicing it ) I became completely absorbed in the present moment. For a while..the past no longer existed with its regrets..and the future disappeared with all its imagined problems. There was only silence ..both around me and within me. Then without effort I entered a state of profound stillness and peace. It was so complete that I didn’t want to leave the temple. I wanted to remain there forever untouched by the noise and complications of ordinary life. That was the first glimpse.

The second glimpse happened at home. I was standing by my window.. looking at the trees outside.  There are a lot of beautiful trees near my house .Birds moved between the branches..resting on the leaves before taking flight again. The street was quiet and the sunlight illuminated the entire scene with divine light . I love sunlight and for some reason I feel depressed as soon as the sun sets and the darkness comes. For a few minutes..as I was looking at the birds and the tree I entered the same peaceful state I had experienced in the temple. Every need..every question and every worry simply dissolved. I felt completely at home. Not a physical home .I was already inside my house ..but in an existential sense. A physical home is temporary. One day this house will no longer exist. It will be destroyed and another building will be built in its place .Even the body I inhabit cannot be my ultimate home..because it too is temporary and will eventually die and disappear . What felt like my true home was not a physical place ..but a state of consciousness or a state of being ..a profound and unconditional peace that seemed untouched by time or circumstance.

Of course the meditation eventually ended. The sun set..the birds went to sleep in the evening and ordinary life resumed. Those experiences made me wonder: if peace can reveal itself so completely why does it vanish? Is it possible for such peace to become permanent rather than something that appears only in rare moments?

The third glimpse came three days ago. That night..I slept more peacefully than I had in a long time. I think it was because I had spent much of the day simply sitting on my couch in quiet meditation… allowing myself to feel grounded and settled. The stillness I cultivated during the day seemed to carry naturally into sleep.

What these three experiences have in common is that they point toward the same realization. Ultimate peace is formless presence ..a silent awareness that exists before thought..before desire and before fear. Whenever I briefly rest in that presence..everything else loses its urgency. The challenge now is no longer discovering that peace exists..but learning how to live from it consistently until it becomes not an occasional glimpse but the foundation of my life.

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Someone here

[Someone here]

As I grow older..I’ve begun to notice something that feels increasingly undeniable: with age..many experiences seem to lose their freshness. Perhaps this is simply part of being human. The longer we live.. the more familiar life becomes..and familiarity often dulls excitement. Things that once filled us with anticipation gradually lose their spark.

I remember how much music meant to me as a child and during my early teenage years. Listening to my favorite songs was one of the greatest pleasures in my life. Today I still appreciate music.. but it takes much more to move me. Unless a melody or a song is truly exceptional.. I rarely experience the same excitement I once did.

The same happened with football. During high school and my early years in college..I would eagerly count down the days until my favorite team played. A match felt like an event worth looking forward to. Now..that enthusiasm has largely disappeared. The games haven’t necessarily changed (although it did because the players who are the superstars now like Mbappe are lower in quality than the Messi & Ronaldo era )what has changed is my relationship to them. As I’ve grown older..many things that once brought me joy have gradually lost their intensity.

Another change I’ve noticed is a kind of mental fatigue. As we age…our minds accumulate years of memories..experiences..disappointmens and responsibilities. Carrying all of that can become exhausting. A child often appears lighthearted and carefree partly because they haven’t yet accumulated the psychological weight that adults carry. But  An older person carries decades of memories that shape how they think..feel and experience the world. (Alongside the natural physical changes of aging)there is often an invisible emotional and mental burden as well.

I sometimes feel that this process is reflected in people’s faces. Youth often carries a softness  vitality. With age.. faces become marked not only by wrinkles but also by the experiences of a lifetime..the struggles..the sad experiences ..responsibilities and moments of hardship that have left their imprint.

What I’m describing is in many ways the ordinary process of aging. It isn’t something most of us like to acknowledge. We naturally want to preserve our physical vitality and the sense of wonder we had when we were young. We hope to remain mentally fresh and emotionally alive and  physically strong for as long as possible. Yet aging inevitably changes us. It asks us to let go of certain forms of excitement and vitality while confronting the reality that nothing remains unchanged forever. Perhaps the challenge is not to resist aging itself ..but to discover whether there is another kind of youthfulness…one rooted not in novelty or physical energy but in presence and in inner peace that does not depend on being young.

 

Edited 3 hours ago by Someone here

[Someone here]

This music makes me feel like heaven is real .

Edited 2 hours ago by Someone here