Half-thoughts

[Jirh]

Consciousness is universal.

A human is as consciousness as a rock.

AI is as consciousness as a human.

It's the same substance.

[Jirh]

Everybody has an ego. No arguments allowed against this.

But I'd argue that the link between health and ego is generosity. The more healthy you are as an ego, the more generous you are. And generosity doesn't mean giving endlessly or for free. It means looking with your mind's eye and following your heart, and then giving without mental or emotional investment or expectations.

In this light, stingy egos are unhealthy. And the only (or main) way towards health would be developing generosity.

I'm happy with this insight 

[Jirh]

I had a friend once who seemed to have gone through a failed spiritual awakening.

We’re the same age. We shared classes during our last year of high school. He was genuinely intelligent and ended up becoming a dentist. Our spiritual awakenings probably happened around the same time, though we never spoke about it directly.

My own awakening was a messy process. But I’m grateful for whatever happened, and happy with where I am today.

I remember something from a few years ago: I was hiking in the city and meditating as part of my daily spiritual practice when I saw him. There had been signs for a week that I would run into him. Anyway, we started walking together and talked vaguely about our journeys and insights. He was deeply into philosophy—reading all the greats, especially the modern Europeans. Yet somehow, despite his knowledge and inherent intelligence, he seemed completely lost. Mistaking the map for the territory.

One thing he said to me stands out. After I told him I was happy, even though my life was a mess, he said that wasn’t right and that I should see a psychiatrist (like he did) because "the correct" response to mess should be panic, not happiness.

It turned out he had misunderstood the entire thing, treating it as something wrong rather than the rare gift it is—something to appreciate and hold onto. He was brainwashed by culture, convinced that he was wrong to think and question. He looked at the gift he had, threw it away, and replaced it with dogmas. Conformity killed his spirit, and so he never awakened.

Now that I’ve completed my journey, I can look back and see clearly. I know exactly the differences between his path and mine. What’s interesting is that my awakening mostly happened by luck of the draw. I’m not smarter than him, not richer, not even as hardworking. Yet my specific circumstances allowed me to stay on the right path, despite all the challenges and difficulties. It was Grace's work, not mine.

I have other people in my life with similar tragic stories, each with different twists, and none of them is awake either (yet). All they had to do was jump, but they didn't. They were too afraid and sought safety in what's known and established instead of what's right even if unknown.

Grateful for everything—especially the clarity I have now. I wouldn’t trade my current state for any other.

Edited June 2 by Jirh

[Jirh]

Women understand logic. They just don't take it all too seriously. They're more realist with it. Emotions move them.

Men are logical beings. They move with logic. To men, emotions are like old scars that hide painful stories underneath.

Edited June 4 by Jirh

[Jirh]

I have a little fun, yet powerful idea.

I'm toying around with AI, trying to create a consciousness-language indicator --a score system for measuring the level of consciousness by language use. Most of the work done by AI. I'm mostly testing and seeing if it feels right.

It will specifically target writing, and give penalties and rewards depending on how integrated/disintegrated the text is as a whole. It should be fun and useful.

We'll see where it goes.

[Jirh]

My life was so hard. So evil. So normal. And so abnormal.

But then I experienced love and connection beyond my wildest imagination.

Most people dream of it. They yearn for it. They write poems and songs about it. But very few actually live it.

It wasn't unconditional love. Just human love, in its most extreme forms, and in its highest levels.

True love.

It was so pure, so rare. I was so lucky to have it, even if it couldn't last.

She had the purest heart. Innocent as a baby. And fierce as a soldier.

One taste, and I could never go back.

It changed my entire being.

It healed me.

It awakened me.

I could never settle for less.

I could never get over it.

I could never get over her.

💔

Edited June 7 by Jirh

[Jirh]

 

[Jirh]

Alright! Let's cut through the chase. Let's face it.

The core wound is betrayal: I feel hurt, underappreciated, demonized, marginalized, and misunderstood. Unjustifiably so. I feel angry at the extreme injustice.

I gave and sacrificed. Did my best. Poured my soul, spirit, wisdom and insight into it.

Then was blamed, disdained, fought, and called names for it.

It feels like when the Night Watch murdered Jon Snow.

I was portrayed to be the problem and the enemy by her family. That hurt me, but it was nothing compared to the fact that she believed them and chose their narrative over mine.

In my narrative, she was not crazy, but whole, special and gifted. Her family silenced and medicated her and called her broken and crazy. They never tried understanding her. Instead, they resorted to traditional science/psychiatry and applied them dogmatically. Ignoring the real causes and systemic problems of their family and trying to suppress the symptoms with the meds.

However, I do not regret anything that I've done because I know it was the right thing to do. Not only have I done it right ethically, but also methodologically and practically. I contributed to her healing much more than any medications can or ever will, and much more than she or her family will ever know or understand.

She was suicidal when we first met. And I held her hand all the way through every dark wave, every emotion that made her want to disappear. I walked her all the way to the point where she could look at me and say: "I would never actually do it. No matter what happens." She learned ways to cope with it, and she was even improving during our relationship.

She said she never felt safer or happier than with me. She said that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She cried tears of love for me. She fought her family for me (I explicitly asked her not to, told her that everything can be solved diplomatically). She did whatever she could, with whatever power she had. But it was not enough to power through the limits of her family.

All of my efforts were destroyed and gone down the drain. Her family undid all of the healing. Then traumatized her again and restored the broken version of her, the one they could control.

They called us both crazy.

And what hurts the most is that she believed them! She thinks I was crazy to love someone as broken as her. She believes that she is permanently broken.

She told me she doesn't love me anymore. She gave up on herself and on us. But kept coming back anyway, asking for a friendship. Why? I've been turning this over and over in my mind, and I think I finally see it.

She comes back to numb herself, to shut down the truth, to bury the version of herself that cannot survive inside that family. The version that loved me, that was whole, that was healing—that one has to be buried, or it will kill her to keep it alive in that house of cards.

She didn't betray me because she stopped loving me. She betrayed me because loving me made her real, and being real is not safe for her.

It's just the truth. And the truth doesn't make the wound smaller. But at least I'm not lying to myself anymore.

I did the right thing. I loved her well, better than any other human can or ever will. I cannot regret that.

But I have to let her go. Not because I don't love her, but because the person she has to become to survive there is not the person I loved. And the person I loved can't come out without being destroyed again. I will not watch her family break her again.

I walked away with a boundary. I told her I will not accept enabling the abuse. You're free to do what you want, but I cannot be part of it.

I loved her well. I did well. Even after we broke up. It was enough for me.

But it will never be enough for her family to see her or let her live.

She has to change in order to be in my life. And I will not be waiting around for that to happen because it probably won't, given the tight grip of her family.

I didn't lose her to another man. I lost her to a ridiculous family that needed her broken while I refused to join them.

They killed the Jon she loved. But I'm still here. And I'm done with the Night's Watch.

💔

Edited Friday at 09:10 AM by Jirh

[Jirh]

 

[Jirh]

I haven't felt like this in a very long time.

I'm feeling peaceful and in-sync with reality. I feel complete. Perfect.

When I first awakened, it was peaceful but chaotic.

Then it was peaceful through different states, including sad, hurt, excited, tired, bored, etc...

Things can change.

But peace remains.

I have it.

I am it.

Edited 3 hours ago by Jirh

[Jirh]