thoughts on how i relate to my dad

[Judy2]

i've referenced this a couple of times before, but basically my relationship with my father is difficult and in many respects very triggering. interactions with him have led to self-harm various times (also earlier this year), i'm big on simply avoiding him or giving him temporary silent treatments, and i get really, really upset whenever it feels like he invades my personal space (physical or mental) in significant or even small and subtle ways.

this evening, we had a conversation that ended with me plugging my ears, shutting my eyes and going "no no no boundary no no no". (to clarify, before that i had already concluded in a calmer, more diplomatic tone that i wanted to change the subject.) i didn't feel super bad - in fact, i was almost amused at the intensity of the experience and just knowing this isn't normal. compared to running upstairs to cut into my own skin, this is oddly functional, but then i guess it felt funny knowing it still looked pretty dysfunctional...even though i was technically just being rigid about communicating a boundary, which should be a good thing, right? later, i researched what i could have done better in terms of communication, but i also feel that maybe i don't even want to improve things with my dad/make things go smoother or feel any warmer between us. if anything, i just want as little to do with him as possible, and that's just how i honestly feel - because being close to him is an emotional inconvenience to me. maybe that's selfish or narcissistic or something, i can't tell. but basically i reacted this strongly because i know for a fact a simply "no" might not have sufficed and he would have kept pushing without really registering my discomfort or taking my boundary seriously. sometimes my dad is a bit blind to this notion of "reading a room" or my emotions (or even his own emotions) and doesn't understand when to stop pushing. 

however, i've also been thinking that maybe he only has like 15-20 years left to live, and i don't want to have any regrets when he dies. but i also can't really bring myself to be more warm with him in the present as that seems to jeopardise my own emotional safety.

is there anything i can do to find a middle way or improve things without hurting my own personal integrity? could that look like reducing contact for a while and then getting back in touch to talk about less emotionally charged/ more casual topics, or can you think of other methods to approach this?

 

i think he is trying and looking for ways to relate to me in positive ways, but i'm giving him a really hard time. 

 

Edited 11 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

or basically, how can i show some degree of love, respect, and appreciation to my father without feeling like it is hurting me at the same time? he deserves my respect and gratitude - i can be reasonable and say that, despite his quirks, he's also looked after me - but sometimes it's really hard for me to make that happen without becoming super anxious myself.