The trap of altruism

[trenton]

I'm coming to the realization that altruism was likely a false life purpose for me. I didn't always have this leaning. For me there is something that resonated from Buddhist traditions in that altruism is a form of self punishment in that it is self sacrifice for a perceived greater cause. In my case the sacrifice felt worth it because my identity was already destroyed, so whatever identity I sacrifice is a miserable one anyway. However, this is a set up for self destruction regardless of any noble acts I ever do.

I'm now trying to figure out a purpose that is independent of altruism. I'm trying to figure out how to define my self worth in some way other than my utility to other human beings. No matter how many children I save from kidnappers or victims of predatory loaning I help it doesn't feel like it's enough to fill my inner void. These acts are designed to be proof of my inherent goodness and worth which I am still not convinced of despite the acts.

Furthermore, the reason I am drawn to changing systems and understanding social structures is because I am looking for ways to help the maximum number of people. This is why I am drawn to politics and "the greatest good for the greatest number." However, in my case I was happy with practicing to become a professional chess player. The reason I didn't do that is because of a series of obstacles I seemed unable to overcome. Therefore, I needed to create an alternative life purpose beyond chess. In order to compensate my misery and justify my continued existence despite the years of my life lost pursuing a false hope of joy and fulfillment, I increasingly emphasized my utility to others. I can't make a living off of chess because it is not valued by others in the same way I loved it.

The outcome is that following my passion was never really an option, but trying to change broken systems is even more unrealistic than becoming a grandmaster in chess. If replacing things that made me happy with altruism doesn't work, then I'm in new territory. I genuinely don't know what other type of purpose to pursue.

If I can't get fulfillment from career, impact, passion, and things of that nature, then what other purpose should I have? I could try relationships, but it requires building a new support system outside of my family. Maybe fulfilling relationships are possible, but I would need to move out to the right location with the right support systems.

Furthermore, the only other logical choice for meaning and fulfillment might be spirituality. The problem is that Truth and God transcend the self and meaning altogether. This would probably be spiritual bypassing if I tried committing my life to these things. Part of me doubts that I would be good enough to be a sage given my kind of track record and what goes on in my head and what I have been through. Of course I know I keep saying "I" even though I don't exist and it happens because I have a hard time describing things without contextualizing them within the framework of the ego self. Without "I" I don't know how to think, so no need to remind me that I haven't awakened. If spirituality really were a path to some kind of acceptable existence, then meditation and psychedelics seem like they might be an answer, although the outcome may not be practical change depending on how it is executed.

I unfortunately don't see any other paths to meaning and purpose. If altruism isn't the answer, then I need to rethink this whole situation in terms of what my goal should be. I have no idea what other sources of meaning I could be using.