ADHD, Vyvanse, Meta-Thinking & the Unconscious

[Lews Therin]

So, to give some context, i like to see the mind as a parliamentary body, composed of many parts, factions or groups, each with it's own desires and agenda.

The Ego is composed by the ruling coalition, and it tries to steer the person and the mind towards it's goals. The coalition can vary in size, with a broader coalition often meaning a more well integrated person, with less conflict between the parts that compose the ego and the parts that don't.

The ego needs to have a minimum amount of forces aligned under it's umbrela in order to function, otherwise the person feels lost, without knowing what to do or even who they are in this world. parts gain in strength when they manage to deliver results that satisfy other parts, and lose when they fail repeatedly.

As a person you want to have the rulling body (Ego) be in contact with as many parts as possible of yourself, since that makes it so they don't feel the need to "join the opposition". This can be hard sometimes, as trying to hear and satisfy many parts takes time and energy, which can be needed to acheieve the goals of the ego.

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Having ADHD, based primarily on my experience, but in accordance with some videos i saw about basic psychiatry (importance of dopamine and norepinephrine), means that the ego will tend to be weaker, with the parts of you that are not in the rulling coalition having a "louder voice".

That means that when you are trying to focus on your work, the parts of you that want to do something else can easily say "hey, remember this..." and this derails your thoughts. On one hand that is good, as it makes it easier for certain parts of your self to bring their concerns to awareness, and thus to help you know yourself better. On the other hand, it makes it way harder to focus.

  
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So here we have options like vyvanse, they surely help me focus much better, and after going back on it after being off for a long time (i took it everyday for two years around 2017 to 2019), i can more clearly understand what it does to me.

When i take vyvanse, it seems like two things happen:  
- firstly it seems to lessen the size the size of the coalition needed for the ego to work. you can thus focus on something and do that for the whole day, as a very narrowly focused ego becomes viable, without needing to have may needs align in order to make you do something.

- secondly, it silences or at least lowers the volume of the other parts, allowing you to focus without needing to spend energy fighting the other desires. Simultaneously it seems to strengthen the ego, allowing it to easily ignore distractions

The result is a more efficient way of pursuing whatever your goal is, allowing a person like me to finally feel like they can have a productive day without depending on the whims of the uncontrollable "ADHD hiperfocus".

The result is also that it becomes much easier, and therefore likely, that you will ignore certain parts of yourself. Heck even the part of me that does the "meta-thinking", questioning "where does this come from" after a certain thought appears seems to be silenced while i am working on something else.

And this is annoying, for i always considered meta thinking to be one of my favorite traits about myself.

  
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Now, i am a noobie trying to learn active imagination, i have done it a few times going back a few years, but have never gone very deeply, mostly dialogues with myself after moments of anger and sadness. Never focusing too much on images.

Recently i had a figure who claimed to be my anima tell me not to take vyvanse, and after some negotiation we settled on a deal that involved me doing 30 minutes of meditation a day, as well as daily active imagination, the figure seemed to think that even so i shouldn't take the meds.

i unfortunately failed to live up to the agreement, i meditated most days, but slacked on the AI. which was followed by spontaneous imagery of a a figure dressed in black trying to kill me with a sword twice, and both times it suggested it was in part due to me taking vyvanse, or at least not following the agrrement.

This, in conjunction with the reduction of meta-aware thoughts made me stop the meds at least temporarily. i can follow the agreement, but i wonder if even doing everything right, the meds won't be a barrier towards integration.

Anyways, this isn't exactly a question, but this is my experience with ADHD meds and trying to deal with the unconscious. i would love if other had any insight or notes to share on the subject, as so far i haven't been able to find anything usefull on the subject.

[ryoko]

Ahhhh... I probably have ADHD. And I'm not giving up the "uncontrollable" hyperfocus. Not for anything. 

Edited 15 hours ago by ryoko

[ryoko]

My experience is mostly similar to what you said. Except I don't think verbally. Or have conversations in slow form, as if there's different sovereign entities inside me. 

Everything's direct transmission. Conversations are chemical you could say. I do write or record voice notes if some insight or idea strucks. 

And the responses are chemical too. I feel off, when I start certain things, means I have to listen to the instinct and change what it pushes me to. Then the experience helps me do the thing I avoided, better next time. I've grown to trust the instincts. All I can say is, it's not in alignment with capitalist ways of being. So every fix, vyvanse is like a direct insult to it's nature. 

 

[ryoko]

What's your relationship with AI? Or LLMs to be precise. 

Edited 14 hours ago by ryoko