Trying to balance existensialism with sexuality

[Operation5737]

TL;DR
33M gay/homoflexible engineer (probably AuDHD) trying to figure out what freedom and purpose look like after years of depression, burnout, and a toxic relationship. Therapist asked: "If you had financial freedom for life, what would you do?" Still working on that one.

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Forgive me if this has been posted before — this is my first post and the search bar doesn’t seem to work.

So, quick background.  
33M, gay/homoflexible (with some pent-up 50-shades-level fantasies... Catholic guilt hits hard). I don’t love labels, but I guess I’d fall somewhere on the “AuDHD” spectrum. Like Leo, I’ve found pretty much every career I’ve tried miserable. Unlike Leo, I haven’t found my calling yet. Being an engineer, whether software or electrical, just isn’t it for me. It sucks. No offense to those who enjoy it.

My therapist (straight, no feelings) posed this question as homework:

“Suppose you had financial freedom — just enough to be comfortable, think universal basic income, guaranteed for life. What would you do with your time?”

To be honest; I'm stumped.  One of my biggest issues with traditional jobs has always been the lack of autonomy. I’ve always had a little oppositional defiance in me. Probably still do; it's just transmuted into something else. When I was in second grade, I punched my teacher for not playing by the rules of a game she made up. I also refused to wear my kindergarten graduation gown because I thought it looked stupid (mortifying my parents, I’m sure). So yeah, I was a weird kid. 

Throughout my 20s I came to grips with my sexuality, and maybe over-corrected a bit. I didn’t get into hard drugs or poppers like many in the gay community; shout-out to D.A.R.E. for working on at least one of us lol. I can't say the same for Scared Straight . Joking aside, I definitely got hooked on “electronic drugs” — Grindr, hookups, porn, the usual.  

So while Dr. Jekyll was supposed to be building a career, Mr. Hyde (pun intended) was coming out of the closet.

By my late 20s, things started to shift. I stopped caring what people thought. I realized I didn’t have acne anymore, I looked good, I was confident. Then, at 31, I dated a narcissist with BPD. After cutting ties I'd sought therapy and my therapist told me exactly what was going on; my ex totally blind-sighted me. That relationship wrecked me. Constant blame, manipulation, and guilt. On one side, I was juggling a toxic partner. On the other, another miserable job. When both finally collapsed, it was like a reset button had been hit and I had zero shits left to give; I was oddly at peace with losing both. Then when I had a falling out with some "friends" turned business partners a few months thereafter; again I was at relative peace (granted; as my therapist would explain to me; one of those partners had a similar personality to my ex, if not worse. But because I'd already processed my ex and the fact that I wasn't sleeping with my business partner, it was a much easier break. 

Now, for the first time in 11 years, I’m not even remotely depressed (no drugs either unless you want to count Lamictal; which I take for epilepsy)  

I used to cry daily watching Leo’s videos, basically doing self-help masturbation, while thinking about suicide. I actually attempted twice, both times tied to career despair and identity chaos.  

Now the only time I bring it up is when I tell people how I survived it. I reconnected with an old friend a week ago (after six years). I think I said "I know I'm not a 10/10... maybe a 7/10, but I know I'm good enough and when I'm ready to date again that person is going to have an excellent partner" and he responded, “No, you look the same... but different. You’re easily a 9.5/10 and you had some sort of glow-up. For once look happy." 


So tying this all together... so what do I actually do with this hypothetical freedom?


Part of me wants to go a little feral. To let loose all the repressed sexual energy and just live without guilt or rules. My ex killed off any real desire for a relationship (for now). More often than not I'd always do solo travel as a means of escaping sexual repression. In fact, the first time I came out was on a tour of Australia after my tour guide found me on Grindr (a dry-run before the real deal). Don't get me wrong, I love nature and that's why I chose Australia for my first solo adventure (perfect blend of nature and hot guys). While I'd love to do more nature travel, I can’t travel to most of Asia or Africa due to medication restrictions. For me, while I'm not super interested in European history (sorry in advance... I guess castles are cool and the food is always great at least) Europe is attractive to me because the guys are hot lmao. Most recently though I did go away to Costa Rica and I brought a friend (actually, my other ex... whom I now consider one of my best friends) and I didn't go for sex for a change and I did genuinely feel grounded and at peace there. I had several bucket-list destinations I'd wanted to visit and Costa Rica was the last one on the list (and possibly my favorite... neck and neck with Australia).   

Anyway, I know sexual indulgence, while fun, isn’t the real answer. It’s temporary. It’s not a calling. It’s just blowing off steam after years of repression.

After eleven years of depression, losing myself in work and relationships, it’s like I’ve been dropped into an empty white room with a blank canvas.  
I’ve picked up some hobbies, joined a sports league, made new friends, got back in the gym after an injury. But those are just activities. That's not a life calling.

I know y'all probably drank that out of a fire hose, but I'd love your take.

[Hojo]

Sounds like catholicism created this. You say soccer and gym are hobbies but sex with random men is a life calling?

Being attacked and shunned for being gay and having super desires to fuck are the same thing. You are before that.

So imo you are still working out your guilt but hyper fucking every hot man you see is the same thing as being enslaved by Christianity. Maybe you need to do it maybe you dont but its not a life calling.

Even after fucking all the men you will be in the same spot cause this has nothing to do with you it has to do with catholicism.

Listen to death metal anti catholic music.

Edited Friday at 08:04 PM by Hojo

[Operation5737]

9 hours ago, Hojo said:

Sounds like catholicism created this. You say soccer and gym are hobbies but sex with random men is a life calling?

Being attacked and shunned for being gay and having super desires to fuck are the same thing. You are before that.

So imo you are still working out your guilt but hyper fucking every hot man you see is the same thing as being enslaved by Christianity. Maybe you need to do it maybe you dont but its not a life calling.

Even after fucking all the men you will be in the same spot cause this has nothing to do with you it has to do with catholicism.

Listen to death metal anti catholic music.

I spewed out a bunch of word salad last night. So to clarify, I definitely acknowledge it's not a life calling and I definitely know it's not something that's going to keep me fulfilled forever. If anything, it's just a drug in its own right I suppose.

I will say that now that I'm out (have been in various degrees for about 10 years or so now), nobody's batted an eye or shammed me for it. While I did go to Catholic school from K-12 and received my sacraments and such, I wasn't raised going to church every Sunday, for example. 

I was raised in a very conservative household though and (without making this a political discussion), I tend to float that way on a number of issues; but LGBT rights isn't one of them. Being gay was never shunned on my my family and honestly; until not all that long ago, I learned my dad's best man at his wedding is gay.

So I guess it just wasn't really a thing that was talked about. And of course having grown up in the early 2000's, everything was "gay." If you brought a green Beyblade to school on a Thursday it was "gay" (I'm making something stupid up, but you get the point). And honestly, because of that school culture, I guess my parents couldn't tell me about those things until I was older because I'm sure they feared my siblings and I using that language around their friends (because it was just the norm at the time, I was guilty of it too).

 

So anyway, not defending/rejecting religion. But definitely got side-swiped and thrown off course somewhere. In the midst of finding myself sexually towards the end of college (I went to a public university) and realizing I HATED engineering after a couple internships; I guess some wires got crossed. Rather than finding a new major or something better suited towards me; I let my ego get in the way and finished my degree because my education is really where my parents pushed me, if anything (I wasn't allowed to major in "space" as they'd say). And instead I guess I latched onto the nearest lifeboat (my newfound sexuality). 

Edited yesterday at 05:09 AM by Operation5737