Procrastination vs. strategic patience

[trenton]

I am in a somewhat difficult situation I am trying to manage. I lost my job due to struggles with PTSD. I have been hospitalized again despite not having the additional stress of work which was very distressing. It is happening because of a combination of past abuse, ongoing abuse, and sleep disruptions caused by PTSD.

When there is ongoing abuse, it becomes impossible to let go of the defense mechanisms that keep me hypervigilant. I can't fully grieve and process trauma if it leaves me too vulnerable. In this case I have a narcissistic sibling who seems to want me to kill myself as she takes sadistic pleasure in causing me the maximum harm without consequence despite knowing my vulnerability. The family is presently enabling her by trying to silence me and pressuring me into forgiveness without accountability. My mom is also likely a narcissist and she has crowned herself winner of the victim Olympics because she was actually abused unlike me.

In the meantime I am also facing medical complications such as auto immune hepatitis for which I am being treated now. This was the condition I had which triggered my medical reaction leading to hospitalization. Other than these pills, I am off all anxiety and antidepressants. I feel much better without them. I am also working with a trauma therapist, but my progress will be limited unless the family dynamics change or I leave and live on my own somehow.

I am thinking of a time frame around 3-5 months depending on what happens. I am currently living with my grandma who is supporting me, but other family members are draining my bank account while claiming to teach me financial responsibility by charging me rent for money they don't actually need. This grandma does not charge rent, meaning my money is being depleted at a slower rate. This might give me time. I currently have around 35,000 dollars in total counting my banks and stocks if I sell them. I lost a lot of money due to predatory loaning, so I am never going to college in America again. I will have to go to Europe for such a thing instead where the prices are reasonable. Higher education is still likely necessary for a decent career or potentially becoming an engineer or inventor.

Trauma bonds are a factor in this equation. Although the family system is and always has been objectively terrible for me, I still love my younger siblings and they are victims as well. However, my mother and sister are not safe and my grandmas might enable them by scapegoating me. This makes sleep even more difficult. I have prepared a message for my younger siblings and grandmas as my younger sister is on the same page. If my plea works then it should reduce the harm as I organize an exit plan.

The thing is I need a job and I need to recover from PTSD that caused me to lose the job, but if the family does not cooperate then there will be no other option but to somehow leave. I have my savings and I should have some time, if I did leave. This just seems like a big move and a lot to organize, but a necessary one.

The hesitation to make these big moves could be deadly. For example, I believe America is doomed and it is not safe to stay in this country. The American government is being run by the military industrial complex which prioritizes arms profits at the expense of driving the deficit which is clearly going to crash us due to endless wars and terrible economic policy by our leadership. The American empire will fall just like all other empires that project military might across the globe to distract from these internal contradictions that cannot be changed due to policy lock in caused by the assassination of JFK.

But for some reason, I don't seem to be acting urgently enough to leave America. There are legitimate issues I face, and it would be a big risk to move out prematurely. I was recently hospitalized and I am working with a decent psychiatrist to get this sorted out. I am making progress and I am optimistic about the next few months. It is not as much progress as I could be making though because of the enablers in my family. I am doing a sleep study which they are interrupting by retraumatizing me and not respecting my boundaries when it is inconvenient.

Where do you draw the line between strategic patience and procrastination? I think I could work in the short term of a couple of months, but depending on the situation I may have to leave soon.