Processing Negative Emotions

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm just creating a separate journal for myself where I can pour all of my negative emotions into and just rant/ vent in. I'm not dealing with an influx of negative emotions rather I just want to have a separate space for this apart from my main journal where I have more constructive and coherent posts. 

I have been journalling privately about things like this so I can have the space to just let things out but sometimes I feel like I want to share things that are kind of in the middle of me spewing things out (which I can do privately) and me having more contructive thoughts (which I have been doing in my main journal).

[soos_mite_ah]

Wisdom Teeth Rant:

I got my wisdom teeth removed about a week ago. This is going to be gross but this was like my first time going to the dentist..... ever. I was having some tooth aches and turns out my wisdom teeth were causing problems. Turns out in addition to that, I also have a couple of minor dental issues here and there in addition to the whole wisdom tooth thing, and while that was concerning, I'm glad that I caught this early on instead of waiting until I had to get something expensive like a root canal. 

I've been pissed off for a number of reasons. I have been pissed off at my parents for the negligence of never taking me to the dentist growing up. There is a lot that can be said about my parents' ignorance around dental care and how I was never informed about anything from basic dental medical history from my family to the importance of regular check ups and professional cleanings. And again, thank god I don't have anything super serious going on with my teeth, but nevertheless, I have been learning some life lessons around this sort of thing.

I'm pissed at the fact that I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out without general anesthesia (just local), meaning while I didn't physically feel anything, I was awake the whole time. I dead ass had nightmares of the procedure for a couple days after I got it done. I didn't want to get this done while I was a awake but it was either this or waiting until god knows when to get this taken care of and I was already in a lot of pain. I didn't care if it was going to be significantly more expensive to be put completely to sleep. I was willing to pay the cost because I know what kind of anxious person I am when it comes to things like this. But after making dozens of phone calls to figure out the pricing, doctors, what insurance will and wont cover, and then finally getting an appointment to a doctor's office that had the general anesthesia, only to find out that the person who told me this fucked up, it pissed me off. I can still hear the cracking and breaking of my teeth as they were getting removed and it still makes me feel queasy. Anyways, my reassurance is that I will never have to go through the wisdom tooth removal process again in my life because I made the right call to get all four removed at once despite my parents' wishes (again, ignorance was at play for them here too). 

I'm pissed at the fact that I have to be on a liquid/ mushy foods diet for 2 weeks. First of all, I don't like mushy foods in general because there are certain textures that I hate. Secondly, it's been hard for me to get enough calories and nutrients to where I feel like I can function. I'm tired all the time and I need a nap to get throught the day, which also messes with my sleep at night. I'm hangry. I'm more anxious than usual because I'm probably not getting in enough carbs and I have keto brain lol. And of course. I'm missing regular solid meals. I'm craving Cane's chicken really badly to the point where I'm binging on mukbangs lol. 

I also feel like I cannot take care of myself properly. First of all, my diet is messed up and as a result, so is my sleep and my mood. I also cannot work out because that could fuck up the healing process for this whole thing (search dry socket). I cannot talk to people and socialize as I normally do because the stiches bother me and my mouth feels weird. And I'm paranoid about dry socket which is this gross thing you can get if you don't take care of  yourself properly which can lead to a lot of pain and lengthen this whole saga. I have been doom scrolling, both about dental issues and in general because I have nothing better to do. The only self care thing I have been able to do regularly is take showers and vent to my journal. 

I still have a week left of the liquid/ mushy foods diet. I can technically eat solid foods but it's kind of gross on how it can get caught in the stiches and I have to really focus in order to eat anything. I'm trying to focus on how things are getting better for me actually, and it is, but I'm still annoyed that I still have like 5 days of this to get through. It's just been taking up a lot of mental space and energy and I'm just so done. 

 

Work: 

I have the Sunday scaries. I really don't want to go to work. In addition to the typical Monday feeling, I feel like I'm dealing with a lot regarding my teeth and other things I have going on in my mind. I have some calls I have to make that I have been putting off. I have a meeting with upper management since my boss who usually does these meetings is on medical leave and that is making me anxious because I don't like upper management and I feel weird about them taking such a close look at me. I also don't feel well rested to tackle my job because it's been difficult taking care of myself as of late. I really don't want to go to work.  I'm trying to put a positive spin on this because he alternative, calling in sick and rotting in bed all day, doesn't sound appealing either tbh. 

Also, not to mention, there is all types of fuck shit happening in the government and that is still giving me an existential crisis. 

 

The Government / Society: 

There is a shut down happening so people aren't getting paid. There are protests happening in Portland and Chicago which I love to see, but it's fucked up with the way that they are being painted as violent by the administration. The national guard from Texas is being sent to Chicago which feels alarming because I don't know how this shit is going to escalate. I'm slowly starting to go numb from all of the stuff regarding ICE. And I stg Trump is passing every fucking thing except away. I'm so fucking done with this man and the way that he has been in the political sphere for the last 10 years. That man has been causing chaos since I was a teenager and I'm so done with this era of politics and culture to the point where I'm romanticizing 20 fucking 14. And sure, the ICE stuff is the most alarming thing in my mind when I'm looking at this country burning by the greed of the oligarchs but that doesn't even get me started on the economy, AI, women's rights, LGBTQ issues, racism, surveillance issues, and foreign affairs. And I feel like I can't fucking escape it because I'm seeing it trickle into pop culture with the trad wife propaganda, the sprinkle sprinkle shit, the Andrew Tate effect, the clean girl trends and the fatphobia and racism that comes with it, and last but certainly not least, the old money aesthetic and any forms of wealth worship and overconsumption.