Passing Through A False Door Still Constitutes Passage....

[FirstglimpseOMG]

I have had several massive insights, understandings and experiences in the year since being exposed to and to a great extent, immersed in, this new world of growth. 

I'm coming to understand, through direct experience and lots of time for contemplation, that most of my 'aha' moments, though incredible and mind-blowingly expansive and progressive, have been only partially right, flawed, incomplete, somewhat misinterpreted, or to an extent, illusive. Witness; me having my first breaktnrough of this journey in a massive flash of universal consciousness, but literally only getting a half-second flash of this unfathomable beauty and power before mind catapulted in with a submitted image and 'further' feeling. As it goes, the slam of reality, as thin as it was for my ego as a newbie's capacity would allow, the power and Truth of that flash was immediately elbowed out by egoic intrusion and it's weak-assed, laughable attempt at 'enhancement' and labelling. My understanding was thin, my body/mind attempt at categorizing my experience was pathetic, my subsequent integration of my epiphany was (and still is) slow and stuttering, and it would almost seem, in retrospect, that I had half-assed a life-changing experience and that I wasn't equipped to take any of this on, or in, in any way that my dullard old egoic self could manage to understand or build on. 

Another time, I had a realization about how life, the spark of life itself,  is maintained. How the tree keeps on growing, how the body keeps on living, all by itself. I suddenly became aware, out of nowhere, how the nature of nature keeps on 'naturing' after the initial spark. After it comes from nowhere, how life keeps on 'being'. It was an incredible realization, an integral understanding, a furthurance of my place amongst, and my affinity with, the spark of life that is me. However, it really became apparent that despite the amazing feeling of being closer to nature, and obviously, how more completely natural and mystic and miraculous just being was, that I had 'thought' my way into the thing. The feeling was sort of right, the idea I had about nature was sort of right, the place I was coming from was the same place I was looking for, but the 'aha' realization itself was flawed, speculative, too 'mindy', and rather small, despite the 'feelgoods' that snuck through, via the tiniest part of the idea that held some Truth. 

But Truth is Truth my friends. Get it wrong, fuck it up, mangle or repackage it beyond recognition with ego, dismiss the tiny slivers that poke through the garbage bag, and if there's any Truth to your slim understanding or misguided little excursions, it will stay with you, somehow. Any tiniest bit of Truth that you have swept the maelstrom of unconsiousness away from, will sneak it's way into the very center of your being. (Where it actually lives and hides and waits.)

 So, my epiphanies come, and are often impartial, scattery, messy, flawed, corrupted, close then distant, clear yet obscured, amazing yet frustrating, massive and full of light, yet sometimes made smaller and duller, embraced and laughed or cried over, then heaped upon by habitual distraction and weakness or complacency. But there was something too big, too real, too Truthful, too majestic and free, too intrinsic and undeniably exciting and progressive, too beautiful and powerful for any of the thin sliver among the packaging and debris to be anything but what it IS. 

Keep with it, trust it, let it be, and cultivate it with love, no matter what form it takes, no matter how much self-made garbage you have to embrace as truth and then discard. Keep with it, Truth knows itself, and will always remain a diamond in your slimy, stinky, gargage filled palm after digging through the bag. 

Get it wrong all you want, and love the process. Truth is sticky. Get a little bit of Truth into you, (rather, out of you), and don't sweat the bullshit that you added, or that flew in the window during your searching. The flotsam will fall away as it can, as your slivers of Truth gather, congeal, and shine through on their own, as only they can.

Edited May 22, 2017 by FirstglimpseOMG
can't write, can't spell