creating goals and a healthy sense of self.

[Judy2]

~

[Judy2]

hi there:)

so i figured it would make sense for me to start a new journal where i can focus on setting goals for myself, and also on buidling a more stable sense of self, and self-worth.

the part of me that feels very lost, hopeless, and confused still wants to be heard (it is very insistent on that), so that tends to be what i do in my main journal and sometimes it's hard to allow a bit of positivity in there. for this reason, i figured it would be helpful to have a journal with the specific intention of creating a more positive outlook.

setting goals for myself and knowing what i want is, somehow, incredibly scary and intimidating...but i believe it's something i can practice...so that's kind of the intention of this new journal: to create a space where i can focus more on creating goals and realistic sub-goals to achieving the life i want to live, "the world i want to live in". i know there's a lot of conflict and desperation inside of me concerning this topic...but all i can do is try, step by step.

in addition, i'll also use this journal to reflect on the process of how to create goals in the first place, essentially answering what questions i can ask myself to find out what i want in life, and what i should do, and where i should go...

for everyone who's been bothered by the negativity in my other journal (which is expressed there because most of all, it wants to be heard), you can think of this as a more positive journal. but it seems important to me, at least at this point, to allow and express both. 

[Judy2]

Creating Goals.

 

what sort of world do i want to live in?

what are the attributes of the life i want to live?

what kind of life would i want my daughter to be able to live?

how would i want my daughter to treat herself and take care of herself?

what will make me happy in the long-term?

[Judy2]

i was going to sort it all into different categories, but it's probably easier for now to simply brainstorm at random:

 

• i want my daughter (myself) to feel like she is allowed to honour her hunger. [i do not - and would never want for her - a lifetime of restrictive eating and going hungry.]

• i want my daughter (myself) to feel comfortable and beautiful in her body.

• i'd like to eat in such a way that i still feel comfortable enough to leave the house even after lunch and dinner. i.e. eat to feel satiated [but not physically stuffed or bloated].

• i'd like to be able to go swimming regardless of the time of day or the state of my stomach. i'd like to be able to wear the clothes that i find pretty, be able to post pictures of myself on the internet, have a profile picture and so on. i'd like to be able to work out in gym shorts and a sports bra [without feeling like i need to cover up and hide my body].

• i'd like to be able to live in the moment and enjoy life [without worrying too much about university, grades, a job, a career, being the best, getting straight As, being successful,...].

 

• maybe i would like to travel to Thailand...and i actually do have the resources to do so THIS YEAR, if i wanted to. ...will think about that. it would be something radically new for me to try, and a huge step in embodying the belief that i am alive and i am allowed to be alive; life can be good for me...

• i would like to have/ i know i need a fulfilled social life in order to be happy. (> sub-goal i figured i should keep in mind for the next 30 days: seek at least 1 social interaction a day where i also express authentically a need/emotion that is present in that moment...so far that's been something i would have avoided a lot.)

 

• i want to be at peace with my body.

• i want to be healthy and able to enjoy nutritious food (dairy, eggs, organic fruit and vegetables, legumes, whole grains, healthy fats).

• [i would not want my daughter to hurt/cut/starve/hate herself.] i would want my daughter to be kind to herself and treat herself well. i would want her to have friends and things she loves doing and feels passionate about. i would want her to feel happy. i would want her to be physically healthy, and emotionally grounded - to be able to see the inherent Beauty and justification of all emotions...able to process and feel through her emotions in a functional, and even loving, passionate, compassionate way.

• speaking of my daughter lol... i want to have kids, experience pregnancy, experience motherhood! i want to be a good mum.

• i want a loving, caring partner who supports me in life, who appreciates me (body, mind, and soul), who really sees me and gets me, who validates my emotional experience, who makes me feel beautiful, sexy, cute, and confident. who makes me feel so at ease that i can be fully me, relaxed, happy, sad, desperate, funny,...all the feels around him.

• i want to be able to relax throughout the day.

• i want to be able to treat myself to a massage, a pedicure,... every now and then.

• lastly, one goal that's a bit more specific: i want to aim for a moderate caffeine consumption.

Edited July 12 by Judy2

[Judy2]

Specific Goals I Am Working on This Year. 

 

• finishing my BA-thesis within the next 3 months...
• ... then going on a holiday trip, looking for an apartment in the area where i grew up in, and finding a simple job to be occupied for a few months...
• maybe getting a pet (probably a cat). 

 

• strength training 3 times a week, and some light cardio
• pushing myself to go swimming occasionally (because i know i do enjoy it whenever i push myself and go)
• finding people to go on hikes with
• improving my social life (because i know this is an area in which i have been lacking severely, and it's going to help me feel better to work on this)
• working on developing a slightly more stable sense of self-worth
• counteracting chronic shame through "opposite action": not hiding my body, going swimming despite insecurities about my body, talking to people and seeking interaction despite feeling scared and insecure,... 

[Judy2]

Clothes

i enjoy wearing dresses

i want to feel comfortable wearing a swimsuit or a bikini

i want to feel comfortable walking around in gym shorts and a sports bra

i am sensitive to the colours that i am wearing

wearing a nice outfit can have a very uplifting effect on my mood 

 

Creating a healthy sense of self

...reflecting on the above made me think:

Creating a healthy sense of self might be related to asking questions like:

what do i enjoy doing?

what feels good?

how do i feel?

with borderline personality disorder, a huge struggle is that we are not able to access our emotions so easily. for me, this takes on the form of not knowing how i feel (unless i feel fear - which makes it sort of easy, so maybe that's why i feel so much fear - because at least i know what it is that i feel then...), or asking myself how i "should" feel. i was told that regaining access to emotions also helps re-build a sense of self, if that makes sense.

 

Creating a healthy sense of self-esteem or self-worth

...that's the other thing i have been reflecting on. almost started a thread asking about this. for me it's not only a question in the field of mental health, but even more so a spiritual quest, trying to figure out what constitutes self-worth. 

what is a good source of self-worth? what should be the source of my self-esteem, if apparently it's not good for it to be my appearance, or my academic performance, and so on. 

i figured that maybe it's less about the source of self-esteem, and more about the how, about distributing your sense of self and self-worth across different pillars, such that if one collapses, the others still stand? such that there's more of an attitude of detachment (composure, serenity), even as you build your self-esteem around certain things. ... not sure. maybe i will still make a post asking about this. or maybe i'll keep figuring this out by myself. 

 

Today

had a successful conversation with a counsellor at university and it looks like someone will be there to support me in the weeks to come - which is a huge relief

pushed myself and worked on my thesis (proud of me!) 

went for a walk in flip-flops and a flowy dress, which felt nice

had my hair up in a ponytail with a fluffy white ribbon, which felt nice. my hair has reached just the right length for that type of hairstyle now. before, it was either too long and heavy, or too short. 

made sure to be a little more aware of my tummy throughout the day, as to alleviate digestive discomfort. 

[Judy2]

i think healthy routines ultimately save a lot of time, energy, and will-power. once they're set up, you no longer have to spend so much energy on second-guessing yourself, questioning, overthinking, or making decisions all the time, and it frees up a lot of mental space to focus on important or new things that are coming up. which is why i am trying to set up as many healthy routines as i possibly can right now (although i am trying not to overdo it, either, as that is a trap in and of itself). 

[Judy2]

Thoughts on Chronic Shame

it hasn't been much of an explicit concern of mine these past few weeks - there wasn't even much of a sense of a dilemma or a sense of needing to make a difficult decision regarding this particular issue, my focus was elsewhere - but i suppose it has been working in the background, and this morning it sort of popped up to the surface and has become explicit:

i think i am ready to drop that whole discourse of me needing or wanting to be ashamed of myself, having to hide, having to apologise for my existence, my personality, my body. 

in 10 years, this has never led anywhere, has never led where i had hoped it would. so i'll just drop it now. 

 

i'm sure there'll be moments when i'll have some difficulty putting this into practice, but the shift in my general attitude is there now? i think? i don't know, i'm scared. but i suppose this is the only way. 

[Judy2]

Body image

i like the natural colour of my hair and the way it contrasts with, but also compliments my skin tone. 

[Judy2]

Emotional Regulation

this past week, every now and then i have sat down to fill in some worksheets about emotional regulation in my dbt manual. 

the pattern that i noticed is that a lot of the weight and intensity of negative emotions comes from the fact that i formulate them in such absolute terms. for example: it'll never be okay again, no one will ever love me, EVERYTHING depends on this, i'll never be okay again, it'll hurt forever, EVERYTHING's wrong with me, how can it ever be okay again?, i'll forever have to hate myself, no one will ever find me beautiful, no one understands me, no one is helping me, i will forever be alone, it will never get better,... 

so part of the opposite action or opposite thoughts technique would probably be to relativise these extremes or absolutes, as to take away some of the weight and intensity of the emotion. 

[Judy2]

Thoughts to counter-act shame:

There are many things about me that are good and pretty and right. 

I am allowed to be here and I want to be here. 

I am allowed to show myself and take up space. 

There is nothing wrong with me or my body. 

 

Thoughts to counter-act guilt:

It is normal to make mistakes from time to time. 

The consequences of this situation will be manageable. 

This won't have to drag me down forever. 

Soon enough, I will feel better. 

 

Thoughts to counter-act self-hatred:

I am allowed to be here. 

I am beautiful and whole. 

I am intelligent. 

I do not have to hate myself.

I am allowed to love myself and be good to myself. 

There will be people in my life that will love me.

There are already some people in my life that have considered me attractive, beautiful, lovable, caring. 

 

Thoughts to counter-act loneliness:

Certainly, there are people that have been in similar situations, and that have felt similar emotions because of that. 

Even though some people cannot relate to my particular struggles, i know that others probably share similar experiences and will be able to help or relate. 

People can help me and it is possible for me to feel connected, understood, and seen. 

There have been many moments in the past in which i felt connected, understood, and seen. > make a list

 

Thoughts to counter-act fear: 

Independent of what happens concerning topic x/y/z - I will survive it and I will still be here. No matter what happens concerning x/y/z, I won't be hurting forever, I will be able to cope with it. 

Independent of the outcome concerning this particular issue, I will be able to cope, and I will still feel joy in the future. I will be alright. 

Focus on a/b/c which is a constant source of joy in my life, independent of what happens concerning this thing i am worried about. > make a list, e.g.: walking in the woods and looking at the trees, my favourite tv show, my friends,...

Edited 3 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

i want to be allowed to be here, as i am, without needing to think about what's wrong with me. nothing's wrong with me. [...i am scared...]