Played by nature

[Justin my mind]

So I was sending music to this girl and the other day she said she wanted to take me on a drive when she starts driving, I got a mixture of excitement and fear. I haven’t been excited about something in a really long time. I told her about this and she left me on seen she told me not to worry about that a couple weeks before because she has a tendency not to respond to people, but I’m wondering if I should just let it go now I know I should love myself because I’m the only thing I know and I know she’s inside me but it feels like and nihilistic hole is coming up I have people in my life. They care about me and I have other girls for friends. But sometimes attachment gets the better of me and I really just wanna share my being with someone I feel like I care about, but it always just leaves me feeling nothing I know she’s part of nature and I should love her without needing anything for her, but I just want a deep connection not even a romantic one where I don’t have to question what the fuck is going on I know her brain was in a different state when she sent that message and I feel like I’ll be haunted if this drive never happenens I know I have to be in that space of love myself without an external object, but I feel like I’ve never experienced that with the opposite sex and it’s starting to feel hopeless. It’s like it happened and I’m like why now I don’t need this and I know my nervous system just wants to disassociate I feel nothing right now, but I know deep inside there's apart of my illusion that just wants a break