Don't underestimate ego. After enlightenment I've wandered in the dark for 8 years.

[krazzer]

It has been quite a while since I've posted here, but I think this is worth sharing.

About 8 years ago, I had a very profound enlightenment experience. I posted about that here:

In short, I had a very clear and direct experience of the true Self. From that moment on, I could see the Self clearly. For months, I lived in a state of bliss. I concluded that the search was over and simply carried on with life. But eventually, the ego returned and began to take hold of me again.

I never "forgot" the true Self, it’s not something you can truly forget, but over time, the ego slowly regained significance. I found myself in a strange place: on one hand, knowing deep down that nothing was truly real, and on the other hand, being heavily invested in the world, in my business, my family, and everyday life.

Old patterns resurfaced. Addictions returned. Depression crept back in. Mood swings, distractions, a sense of being lost. Sometimes I would meditate or watch a video from a spiritual teacher, but I didn’t have a clear vision or direction anymore.

I also struggled with my business. Before starting it, I had a clear goal in mind, nothing huge, and I reached it around 2019 or 2020. After that, I had no new direction, no motivation. I kept doing what was required, but I was often just distracting myself, gaming during work hours and avoiding deeper engagement.

In 2018, I attended a 5-day retreat with Mooji, which was a profound experience. During those days, I returned to that blissful state. But once I came back to "normal" life, the ego quickly returned and took over again.

Then, last year, something changed. I discovered a new teacher here in my own country: Hans Laurentius. A very down-to-earth man, but clearly someone who knows what he’s talking about. At one point, he said something like, “You need to live there.” And it hit me: I had known the Self, but I had never actually made a consistent effort to stay there.

Others had said the same: Mooji often says, “Marinate in it.” Ramana Maharshi said, “Stay with it.” I had made half-hearted attempts before, but I never stuck with it.

Until now.

About two weeks ago, I began going deeper. And it worked. Every time I felt suffering, I could quickly identify the source: a mind-made construct. The one who was suffering was just a concept. The “me” character is only a thought, deeply rooted, yes, but still just a thought. I had to dig it out. And when I did, bliss. No more "me." No more ego. Just being.

Just being, like I experienced eight years ago. Like during the retreat. And really, it never left. It’s always been here. Now, then, when I was a child, even in sleep, always.

Without the noise of the mind, everything feels so natural. Desire is gone. Work? I let it flow. Whatever comes, comes. There’s no more “I want to achieve this,” because there is no “I” to chase anything anymore.

So now, I stay here, with the Self. I don’t see the ego returning anytime soon. But who knows? Still, I don't think it even wants to. When I was identified with the ego, I sometimes had thoughts of wanting to die. And in a way, I did. But the "I" that died was only the ego.