My life journey

[mariabudanova]

@MuadDib Thank you! 

No no, don't worry, all comments are welcome 

And I wish you well!

[mariabudanova]

Part 15

About 2 years ago I had a dream and I was able to become conscious enough to realize that I was dreaming. I got conscious of that only for like 10-15 seconds before I fell back into forgetfulness. But it was enough to be able to ask the presence behind the dream a question. I said into the space around me: "What is my passion?". A woman appeared in front of me. Out of a thin air she magically created a box of colorful pensils and gave it to me. 

I remembered a quote form someone "What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes? That's what you should do often when you grow up."

And when I was little my favorite thing was a process of creation via drawing. I could lose myself in it for hours.

Now I also feel like for me developing the skill of 3D, beside the drawing, is very important and also of lucid dreaming and astral travelling.

I had visions of myself in the future. Where I was creating 3d environments of other realms that i have visited while astral travelling and other beings I have met there.

After that I was thinking of AI and I was worried that by the time I learn 3D, the AI will become so good and no one will ever hire me. But then I had an idea. I thought: what if I could create some kind of a product in the future? By combining multiple skills such as: Astral travel+Lucid dreaming+3D+drawing+storytelling+psychic abilities+AI=a product.

And I also thought that maybe I don't have to worry about AI outcompeting me. Maybe we could work together on something? With my ideas and visions and AI's speed, structure and power we could create something beautiful.

I thought of creating a game. For which I would learn again how to travel to other realities. Where I could interview other beings and entities from those other realms. And they all could participate in the creation of that future game. I started thinking more about it. And just by thinking of that I entered a flow state. That felt so good. I don't remember entering a flow state ever before just by thinking of something.

Could this moment be like a little hint into my life purpose? 

 

Edited July 8, 2025 by mariabudanova

[mariabudanova]

I once was a raindrop in my dream. Other raindrops and I were flying through the night sky on the grass. It was so cool to see reality from the point of a rain drop. There were so many other drops that were flying down with me. 

Oh, to be the raindrop... It was so beautiful.

Edited July 8, 2025 by mariabudanova

[MuadDib]

On 7/8/2025 at 10:12 PM, mariabudanova said:

I once was a raindrop in my dream. Other raindrops and I were flying through the night sky on the grass. It was so cool to see reality from the point of a rain drop. There were so many other drops that were flying down with me. 

Oh, to be the raindrop... It was so beautiful.

 

[mariabudanova]

@MuadDib Beautiful

[mariabudanova]

Almost 1.5 years went by since my last post here!

Here are some updates:

I am working at the coffee shop again after a work break . Have been there for the last 6-7 months. I feel stuck and don't really know how to get out from this rut. I still wanna learn 3D and try to get a job there, but i am afraid that with the AI now it will be almost impossible for me. But who knows!

I also blocked my mother about 13 months ago for the first time in my life and I am so proud of myself!

The last straw was when I told her that i have written an application to the police station about my uncle (yes, I did this too! And I am also proud of myself for having courage to speak up) and everything he did to little girls. So i told her that i did it to which her reply was:"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!?!!" and bluh bluh bluh.

She was concerned more about him than the girls who's psyche he has traumatized by sexual abuse. 

The next day after this call i was thinking about my mother and what i could say to her in case she texts me again. I thought if she blames me again for something, or scolds me or whatever..I will try to explain to her the reason why I don't want her in my life anymore, she will understand me and will agree with me and be okay with it..

And I was thinking and thinking about it.

Then suddenly I had the realisation! I didn't understand it before. 

But suddenly it hit me!: I was waiting for her approval 😮I was waiting for her to understand me and ALLOW me not to talk to her.

As soon as I realised that my hand by itself reached the phone and blocked her number. It's like I wasn't even controlling myself and I didn't expect it from myself..to cut her off just like that and also without any explanation or a warning to her. 

And I am so glad I did this. This is one of the best decisions of my life!🎊 

My mental state started to get gradually better after i cut her out of my life.

I am so glad I started going into therapy! I dunno where i would be today if i never did it. Slowly i can feel like there is developing an inner backbone. I am starting to stand up for myself little by little. And slowly i am starting to develop self-respect.

It's not perfect. I still can't stand up to people at work, the girl who allows herself to treat people like shit and humiliate or belittle me. Or yell at me. But still, in comparison to what it has been a year ago.. I have made some progress!

Also my father called me again couple of months ago to ask me if i could visit him. Usually he calls to ask me for money, this time he asked if i would visit. 

The last time I saw him was like 4 years ago and back then i only visited him out of guilt, not because I wanted to.

So he asked me and i said that I am working and I dunno when I will be able to visit him. He made some comment about kids always forgetting about their parents lol. I dunno how he can call himself a "parent" but whatever. I said that i need to pay bills and i decided to say that I also need to pay for psychotherapy, on purpose. I was hoping he will ask something about it. Because no one in our family has ever talked about anything that has happened in childhood. Ever! Like it never happened.

So he asked me why I would need a therapist. I have gathered all my courage and I said:"Don't you remember what you did when you were drunk when we were little?"

To which his reply was something like:"Are you fucking kidding me?!?!Are you gonna blame ME?!? GO FUCK YOURSELF!" 

And he hunged up the phone, so i took it as a closure. And I am also happy about it, because maybe now i can let go of both of them.

Even though my bro has tried to guilt trip me, to make me unblock my mother and meet her. But I was able to stay strong!

Edited Sunday at 07:37 AM by mariabudanova

[mariabudanova]

For my 26th birthday, I decided to give myself a present and take a trip to Khanty-Mansiysk.

 

I hadn't been there in over five years. And during that time, I had somehow forgotten just how wonderful it is. Which can't be said about Omsk where I am currently living. The air here is so bad

I was born in Omsk, but I grew up in Khanty-Mansiysk. I lived there from the age of three until I was almost eighteen — nearly fifteen years. And for the past six years, I've been living in Omsk.

And then I stepped off the plane, and my heart filled with joy and my eyes got teary

Forest everywhere. And the air was so fresh and clean.

Five days later, I was supposed to fly back to Omsk.I really didn't want to leave.

 

I was already on the plane, and we had taken off. About fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced that some technical issues had been discovered with the aircraft and that we would have to return to Khanty-Mansiysk Airport.

I was so happy!

I stepped off the plane again, and once more, my eyes filled with tears and my heart with joy.

I cancelled my ticket and stayed in Khanty-Mansiysk for another day and a half.

And then i returned to Omsk. As soon as i stepped off the plane onto the ground i felt this wave of heaviness and sadness taking over me... 

Because i have lived here for 6 years now, almost 7.. I forgot that it could be different. I mean the inner state, the way it feels to be somewhere. That doesn't feel so sad and heavy.

So now I am trying to save up some money so I can move back to Khanty-Mansiysk. Can't wait! 

 

Edited Sunday at 10:22 AM by mariabudanova

[mariabudanova]

I have been visited by aliens again👽

My first encounter(that I remember of) happened in 2017. I usually wake up every night to go to the restroom.

It was summer and the door to the balcony was opened because it was hot at night. I was going to get up but suddenly a short grey being walked out of the balcony into the room, and a second one walked after him. I was terrified...they didn't look at me, but just in case i closed my eyes for like 50% to pretend that i was sleeping.

They walked towards the closet, opened the door, walked in there one by one and were gone. Maybe they just teleported or something...used it like a portal, i dunno.

I was terrified, i was afraid to move, i was afraid to get up, and i was afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep too. I just pulled up the blanket to my nose and stayed still for like an hour until i fell asleep again.

The next encounter happened in 2020. It was in an early morning, somewhere around 5-6 am. I opened my eyes and realised that I was surrounded by 4-5 short grey aliens. It felt like i was levitating above my bed. And i couldn't react emotionally or do anything. It's like they turned off my emotions. I was just aware of what was happening but couldn't feel emotions. 

They were doing something on the inside of me, something in the area of my reproductive organs. And after that i don't remember anything.

And the most recent encounter happened in 2026, about couple of months ago. And there was a new alien species. A tall grey alien, i remember encountering only short greys before.

So again, i woke up during the night and next to my bed near me there was a tall grey alien. I was so terrified and all I could think about was "Why am I aware?why didn't they turn off my emotions?Why can I feel everything??." On repeat, again and again. I just couldn't think of anything else.

And after i thought that the alien did something and i felt this electrical wave of excitement going through my body. That exhilarating feeling that you have on a rollercoaster when you fall down.

Then there was an explosion of bright blue-white light in the room and after that I don't remember anything.

I am very curious about them and I wish to have a more conscious contact and communication. But i can't do anything with this uncontrollable feeling of terror that comes over me every time they show up. I wish I could just stay curious and neutral. But i just can't help it and get completely paralyzed by the feeling of terror..

 

There is this lady i found on YouTube. Her name is Barbara Lamb and for decades she has been working with people who had encounters with extraterrestrial beings. She does regression therapy. And i really want to get a session with her to understand why they come to me.

It costs 300$ and i want to save up for it too. Really looking forward to meeting her someday on a call.

 

Edited Sunday at 08:50 AM by mariabudanova

[mariabudanova]