To Strike At The Whim Of The Infinite: Sequences Of My Mind

[JimMorrison]

To Strike At The Whim Of The World
My first Journal entry ever.

Feeling stuck in life. This is normal of course but to be in the stuck sucks, I realize it will be when I look back that I'll appreciate the suck. I feel so much hatred for what I have not done and want more out of this life. I really want to milk the richness and variety of life. My current situation I am in would leave most hopeless I feel like. I know there are many who are probably like me. Maybe not so much on this forum, but I am a young parent of two kids and I have a wife who I love very much and want to live a great life with. I want to be able to do more. I am stuck at home without a job and barely have any freetime. I lack clarity and vision for my life's direction and feel my time is fleeting every second.

I notice a lot. Like my children growing into littles kids everyday and how beautiful and sad that is. I see how much my wife struggles as we live off only her paycheck with roommates (brother in law and his girlfriend), who rarely associate with us or even treat us as family. My blood family has slowly fell away from associating with me and so I feel bad for my kids growing without any friends or family around.

I live in a new state as well so without a job or hobbies it makes it feel impossible to develop a friendship or anything with someone else. On top of that the time commitment it takes to develop friendships or relationships can feel taxing.

I don't where I'm going, but I know I'll get there one day soon. 

I don't know what direction my life purpose will take. I don't want to be a sheep. I don't want to be a slave to a company or even my own business. I want to be free from financial burden and worrying about if my kids have the food they need or if we need to live somewhere different or whatever since we lack funds necessary to support any endeavors in business or even investing in ourselves to support our situation.

I research and study everyday to make something of myself for my family and to become our situation. I apply to jobs, try to develop ideas and passions, try to research finance and money and business models and look for ways to better my resume or cover letters day in and day out. My wife actually gets onto me for spending so much time trying to research. I feel bad doing all this while raising kids since it takes time away from them. It's an incredible burden that weighs on me constantly.

One day I hope to create the skills necessary to build something in life, and to even be creative at all. Until then the search continues.

J.M. the Mind Guide