Alternative forms of reproduction

[trenton]

I have been experiencing deep frustration, anxiety, fear, and depression around my career situation and its implications for things like life purpose. It lead to feelings of futility and meaninglessness in my inability to overcome practical problems in order to implement my many ideas or live by my values. I was forced to question my relationship with meaning in the hopes of finding some other way forward after previous attempts had failed.

I came to the strange analogy of myself and an incel. I remember that when I started taking impact, significance, and life purpose very seriously, it started with serious sexual trauma. This led me to devaluing love and relationships in search of a lasting impact or legacy. We could say that I viewed purpose or significance as a superior form of reproduction compared to biological reproduction as a consequence of trauma. The practical obstacles which block me from actualizing any major goal end up creating a deep sense of frustration sometimes leading to suicidal thoughts. Maybe my frustration is so bad that it is like how an incel feels when it seems impossible to have sex. In both cases this frustration stems from obstacles to reproduction.

I contemplated this analogy to see if there were any implications in terms of my relationship to meaning, reproduction, and purpose. I started to think what if there is a third approach to reproduction? Maybe biological reproduction is one form of reproduction and legacy or impact is another form of reproduction, but there might be another option. Maybe there is a form of reproduction which does not require sex nor is it dependent on external impact and value, but rather one that focuses on value inherent in an activity regardless of the impact. For example, there are artists who make paintings simply for the joy of creation rather than the outcome. Likewise, I created elaborate chess studies because I enjoyed finding novelties in high level positions. Perhaps my final product could be considered a form of reproduction even though I don't have a lot of people following my profiles or watching my videos.

I remember that chess used to give me energy and enthusiasm. Once I was pressured to create some kind of financially viable career everything started falling apart. I was forced to find some kind of life purpose and career beyond my previous interests and I just felt lost. I tried to compensate these types of losses by pursuing major impact or systemic change. However, these are often unrealistic, impractical, and require a massive coordinated effort to achieve anything meaningful. Therefore seeking some grand end goal ultimately added to my frustration. My inability to justify my existence and my suffering in depression is what ultimately leads to suicidal thoughts to end the suffering.

I started trying to think of things I enjoy doing for their inherent value regardless of outcome or impact. I like writing music and poetry. I like hiking. I used to like videogames but I forced myself to stop playing them because they lack tangible value beyond entertainment and I didn't see a long term purpose or career coming out of it if I was just going to be slowly wasting my life which I feel like I am doing regardless. Part of me is curious about sex, which is further evidence I would be an incel if not for trauma driving me away from women because I don't see how somebody like me could get laid.

Deeper things I enjoy for their own sake are things like objectivity, lack of bias, open-mindedness, commitment to truth, self-knowledge and understanding, teaching and improving people's lives through expertise in a variety of fields. It seems like any sort of career I should be looking for involves teaching. I enjoy teaching chess to enthusiastic students. I enjoy sharing my insights about the mind to other people who need them, thus improving their lives. I enjoy sharing research with other people which has transformed their lives as well. I also like doing philosophy and making connections between various fields of understanding.

Again, as soon as I start looking for ways to turn my values and things I enjoy into a life purpose or some kind of career, I immediately get stopped by practical realities. We could say that Kroger is cock blocking me from using my creative and intellectual talents, and that is why I feel angry and frustrated like an incel. Therefore, I may need to find some alternative form of reproduction that isn't centered around legacy or external impact. However, this does not solve the long term problems that lead to feelings of hopelessness. The best it can do is make me feel happy and comfortable in day to day life without needing to justify my existence.

I briefly considered becoming a sage, but there are going to be the same practical problems all over again. I would however, enjoy changing people's lives through deep insights about the mind like I have done already.

Sometimes it seems that my life was fundamentally set up for failure no matter what I did differently in life. I genuinely have no clue what else I could have done. Maybe I was supposed to force myself to do something I don't enjoy or have passion for, but I don't see the point in living life like that.

Hopefully, by finding things I enjoy for their own sake rather than for their impact, I can gradually develop that into something like a purpose which does not require changing the world. Humanity will just have to suffer because a lot of people are stupid and don't value truth at all.

What are your thoughts on alternative forms of reproduction? What forms of reproduction are neither biological nor dependent on external impact or legacy?

Edited March 26 by trenton
Bashing myself unnecessarily