Brighter Threads: A Journey Unfolding

[youngonce]

Where do I even begin? It’s been so long since I’ve put my thoughts into words, and now, as I sit here, I’m overwhelmed by the weight of everything I’ve been carrying. My life feels tangled up in so many addictions—process addictions like porn, television, YouTube, music, movies, and the constant need to chat and socialize with others. On top of that, there’s caffeine, junk food, criticism, and judgment. It’s clear that something has to change. Honestly, everything feels like it has to change.

But this—writing—feels like a start. A space to vent, reflect, and hopefully unravel some of the chaos inside me. My belief system is flawed, warped by negativity, shame, and guilt. I spend too much time replaying old wounds, thinking about people who wronged me or called me a narcissist 10 or even 20 years ago. I’ve made progress—quitting cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana—but I’ve only swapped those substances for new vices. I feel like I’m spinning in circles, terrified of what’s next.

My finances are a disaster. My house is a mess. My mind feels like a storm. I take Vyvanse and Escitalopram daily, along with other supplements, but I’m still scattered, anxious, and struggling to feel grounded. I love my wife. I love my dog. But I don’t love parts of myself—my NVLD, ADHD, anxiety, shame, and guilt. I resent my addictions and how they seem to control me. I resent my lack of creativity, which feels dulled by the very medications that are supposed to help me. I’m functioning, but it’s at a level far below what I know I’m capable of.

Looking back, it’s clear this struggle started long ago. I was overdue as a baby, didn’t want to come into the world. Forceps and suction were used to pull me out. A hernia surgery. Colic that had me crying for six months straight. It feels like the challenges began before I even had a chance to take my first steps. I remember being an aggressive, angry child—hurting myself, hurting others. I felt selfish then, and sometimes, I still do.

But today, something has to shift. Maybe I can’t tackle everything at once, but I can focus on the little things. My wife and I will go for a walk. We’ll put away the laundry. We’ll clean the kitchen. These aren’t huge steps, but they’re steps forward, and that’s what matters.

I know I’m codependent and scared. My body feels the weight of everything—I sweat under my arms and palms, my chest tightens with anxiety. I’m overweight, obese even, and I carry shame about that too. But amidst all of this, I want to believe there’s hope. I suspect I have C-PTSD, and I know I’m deeply traumatized and sensitive, but I’m working toward finding help—a therapist who can guide me through this maze.

I love you, @Leo Gura. I want to believe that I understand everything you say, but the truth is, I don’t. I’m not university-educated, and I floated my way through school and life, relying on my mother to do my homework for me. My story is one of trauma and self-hate, but you bring me hope and inspiration. You make me laugh and smile. I don’t always agree with everything you say, but I don’t have to—you never said I did.

I know I’m going off on a tangent here, but I’ve been listening to you since 2013 or 2014, and I haven’t truly done the work. I wasn’t ready. I was too caught up being a fuck boy—a selfish, self-loathing, nihilistic, vain, and looks-obsessed boy who lacked self-esteem. I was one of the punk, emo kids you mentioned in your newest video.

Now, I realize that mental health is crucial for me. I need to cut the caffeine, get into therapy, and start loving and accepting myself—including my bisexuality. I’m learning that my attachments, especially to my family, were unhealthy. My sister was sick with Crohn’s disease, and my mother is co-dependent. Addiction runs rampant in my family, and it has left deep marks on me.

It’s time to change. It’s time to weave brighter threads into my life. I don’t have all the answers, but today, I’m taking the first steps toward becoming the person I want to be. This isn’t the end of my story—it’s just the beginning of a new chapter.

Edited January 12 by youngonce

[youngonce]

@Candle I love you too and look forward to reading and learning more about you. Thank you. 

[youngonce]

@RightHand Cheers to that with a sparkling water in hand! 

[youngonce]

I recently had an incredible session with a medium, and it was one of the most introspective and enlightening experiences I’ve ever had. We discussed various aspects of my life, including patterns of self-sabotage, my ADHD, relationships, and deeper spiritual connections.

I’m sharing this transcript (anonymized for privacy) because I believe many people might relate to the themes we touched on. If you’ve ever worked with a medium or explored similar topics, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

The medium started by explaining how they work in three ways: connecting with loved ones who’ve passed, helping people realign their lives when they feel "off," and uncovering misunderstandings about our emotions or experiences. This set the tone for a really open and meaningful conversation.

I explained that I often feel stuck in certain patterns – especially self-sabotage. Things will go well, and then I lose focus. I stop taking care of myself, procrastinate, or drop the momentum.

The medium said that this kind of cycle can often stem from ADHD. They mentioned that the ADHD brain cycles between intense focus and burnout, and managing it can feel overwhelming. What stood out to me was their reminder: “These patterns aren’t your fault, but they are your responsibility.” That really hit home.

They also asked if my partner understands how ADHD affects me. I said she’s aware of it but could learn more about how it plays out in daily life. The medium encouraged me to share resources with her, emphasizing that in a partnership, the most I can do for her is work on myself, and the most she can do for me is to understand and support me.

We also dove into self-sabotage, and they helped me reframe my inner dialogue. I realized that I often fall into the mindset of “Why bother?” – a feeling that nothing I do will ever be enough. The medium encouraged me to replace that with “Why not?” and start asking, “Why not apply for the promotion? Why not take better care of myself? Why not pursue joy?” That shift felt so powerful and actionable.

We talked about my relationship with my mom, which has always been challenging. The medium pointed out that our dynamic feels tense because of a deeper spiritual connection. They described it as a "corrosive soulmate relationship" – not romantic, but tied to our soul family.

They explained that my mom and I have likely been part of each other’s journeys in multiple lifetimes, which adds weight to our relationship. The tension I feel comes from that history. They said my work isn’t to fix the relationship but to find peace with it. This was a huge perspective shift for me.

The medium also touched on my ADHD and how it intersects with my emotional growth. They described ADHD as both a gift and a challenge, saying it’s what makes me creative and dynamic but also why I overthink and get stuck. They reminded me that ADHD needs to be treated like diabetes – not my fault, but something I need to manage.

They also said I’m deeply empathetic, almost to the point of being an empath, meaning I don’t just understand others’ emotions – I feel them. This resonated with me because I’ve always struggled to find balance between caring for others and taking care of myself.

We also discussed medication and how it can feel numbing at times. I mentioned that I miss the emotional highs and lows that made me feel alive. The medium recommended finding a psychiatrist or care provider to explore adjustments that could help without losing the stability I’ve gained.

By the end of the session, I felt a significant shift in my perspective. The advice to replace “Why bother?” with “Why not?” hit me deeply. It reminded me that I have the power to change my patterns, even if it’s a slow process.

The session also helped me see my relationships, especially with my mom and partner, in a new light. I’m committed to improving communication and finding peace in those dynamics.

[youngonce]

Time to get back to basics and strip things down. A clean house, a clean fridge, a clean mind — this is how I start. I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and, frankly, I feel the gravity of my decisions. I did squander a great deal of my youth and am now paying for it in the aches and pains of old age. My back hurts, my stomach is funny, I have eczema flaring up on my skin, there are dark bags under my eyes, and I am beginning to see more wrinkles. This is my reality.

Yesterday, I did something momentous: I quit coffee. For good this time. Will I ever drink it again? No. I’ve quit before, and always gotten hooked again.” I like good strong black coffee—Americanos are my jam—but every time I start, I crash. So, that’s it. No more.

What’s important to me at this moment is building a family with my wife. I want to be healthy — not just for me, but for her, for our future child, for the life we’re creating together. All that means eating clean, sleeping well and making sacrifices and saving as we work toward the next chapter of our lives. My purpose has always resided in the background, waiting for me to develop it. I put in the seeds years ago, but I didn’t water them. Now it’s time to show them the care they require.

Another thing I did yesterday: I threw away the huge thing of M&M’s I got over the weekend. I didn’t nor need them then, and I don’t need them now. No more junk food. No more poisoning my body with toxic substances. I want to feel good about myself and what I put into my body. And it dawned on me — if I see myself as a creator of my life, why was I treating myself this way?

Let’s not mince words—my life is chaotic. But I’m not disillusioned. I still feel I can make the ideal life for me, my family, and the people I cherish.” I’m a creative person by nature, and I’ve been neglecting that part of myself for far too long. It’s time to harness that creativity again.

All things pass, I tell myself. This life, this struggle — it all passes.” My time may run out at any moment, but I also know this: I’m still here, and I still have time to make a difference. The time to act is now.

What I’m Committing To

No more technology in bed.

No more binging.

The ending of suffering and pain attached to my heart.

All those challenges have been an education, and I finally think I’m learning. I have a body and a mind, and now it’s time I make good use of them.

Self-sabotage ends here. We’ll see where this adventure brings me.