Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

In my RV practice today I started to mix my guided technique with my own technique. I used a point to focus but then got the guidance when I should view. I feel like I must have mixed those together at some point but interestingly it felt kinda new and good. Maybe because  awareness is simply completly diffeent because of medication idk. 

[Jannes]

Cool I put like 12 books in a box for about 40 euros. Thats enough for a second table tennis wood. 

[Jannes]

I cant decide what to do with my money. On the one hand I am 80 percent sure I want to get rid of my old table tennis bat. But selling it for a decent price is difficult, because no one wants to buy used rubbers and this exact setup. 

I could take them off and the 40 euro and 50 euro rubber would loose half its value. 

I could also get a new blade.. but I only need one bat for everything really, so then I would have the bat lying around. 

...

Now that I could buy all of this stuff (I would allow myself it) it feels kind of pointless. It was charged because I couldnt get it, or because I wanted to dream in a fantasy of how great things were if I could get them to regulate my current emotional state. 

[Jannes]

I am not really honest with myself in a self loving way though or this desillusion comes at a bad time. I sold the books with the premise in mind that I will get myself new table tennis stuff and now I am back to default cheap. Thats not a healthy way to be. 

[Jannes]

When you do more dumb unethical shit, you get more feedback. So counterintuitively people who do bad shit can actually know rules better then other people. 

[Jannes]

Luke: Its just love, I wont be scared.

Yoda: Oh yes you will be, you will be scared of love.

[Jannes]

I have got no energy in the end of the day. Didnt even write one page today even though today was a committed work day with medication and everything. Maybe I need a break or something. 

I feel really stupid for needing that much time to understand the book. Its super dense, full of technical terms and much of the meaning is between the lines. 

[Jannes]

The current RV experiment:

...

Men I really have to invent my own technique here. That is part of the process, like this is not something that gets thought in a normalized/ structured form. 

[Jannes]

I got that idea today and interestingly today took a medication break. 

I think I see a bit of a pattern here because I think I remember something like this happening before. When I take a medication break the increase in productivity doesnt suddenly stop with it, it seems to be kind of accustomed to a more energy ressources. When I am off medication my adhd brain can come to new out of the box idea which my then productivity accustomed mind takes on. I think thats a plausible thesis. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

15 hours ago, Jannes said:

I have got no energy in the end of the day. Didnt even write one page today even though today was a committed work day with medication and everything. Maybe I need a break or something. 

I feel really stupid for needing that much time to understand the book. Its super dense, full of technical terms and much of the meaning is between the lines. 

Oh I wanted to add:

I asked gpt to make a random sentence more complex but only with one parameter at a time. So that could be more nuanced words, more layers etc.

Its really interesting to see my mind working and struggling, a simple sentence is like a walk in the park, a complex sentence is like climbing a mountain. 

What an important direct insight for politics: A very nuanced political view takes A LOT of effort to built. Understandable that not everyone has the capacity to climb that mountain ..

Edited 2 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

Hmm an off-white top which matches the washed out tone of the jeans. I like the idea. 

I always come back to white but then think to much of a thight up elitest or something. With the jeans it could work though.