Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

In my RV practice today I started to mix my guided technique with my own technique. I used a point to focus but then got the guidance when I should view. I feel like I must have mixed those together at some point but interestingly it felt kinda new and good. Maybe because  awareness is simply completly diffeent because of medication idk. 

[Jannes]

Cool I put like 12 books in a box for about 40 euros. Thats enough for a second table tennis wood. 

[Jannes]

I cant decide what to do with my money. On the one hand I am 80 percent sure I want to get rid of my old table tennis bat. But selling it for a decent price is difficult, because no one wants to buy used rubbers and this exact setup. 

I could take them off and the 40 euro and 50 euro rubber would loose half its value. 

I could also get a new blade.. but I only need one bat for everything really, so then I would have the bat lying around. 

...

Now that I could buy all of this stuff (I would allow myself it) it feels kind of pointless. It was charged because I couldnt get it, or because I wanted to dream in a fantasy of how great things were if I could get them to regulate my current emotional state. 

[Jannes]

I am not really honest with myself in a self loving way though or this desillusion comes at a bad time. I sold the books with the premise in mind that I will get myself new table tennis stuff and now I am back to default cheap. Thats not a healthy way to be. 

[Jannes]

When you do more dumb unethical shit, you get more feedback. So counterintuitively people who do bad shit can actually know rules better then other people. 

[Jannes]

Luke: Its just love, I wont be scared.

Yoda: Oh yes you will be, you will be scared of love.