Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Met a friend at a cafe today. He invited me to take pictures of me. Usually I am nervous meeting people 1 on 1, well thats how I remember it but it was pretty normal. 

We went to a nice cafe. 

Right after I felt a warm sense of ease and positive emotions. Saw a girl from my seminar and I directly smiled at her when she walked by without any hesitation. 

I am not honest with myself about how much I need basic social connection. 

[Jannes]

We talked about developmental tasks. 

Got me thinking, it would likely be best to find a partner with the same tasks. My problem with fitting in goes back decades though so its not easy to find someone with the same profile. 

[Jannes]

Asked my friend if a girl in our social circle has a bf. She has. And he continues on with saying that she is basically a 9-10/ 10 and its a strange gap with her bf and stuff. 

Its interesting, I found her kind of cute, thought that maybe she would be gf material. Either his standards are low or mine are astronomical. 

[Jannes]

[Jannes]

What a great social evening!

And all without medicationn. Well .. the medication usually lost their effect when I went into the place before as well. 

Its likely just because I met my friend 1 on 1 yesterday. That really helps. 

[Jannes]

Also confronted my RV trainer today abotu evidence that customer actually pay for projects. 

Well he said he cant share that because of privacy concerns and that he does his own RV projects. Not sure how to feel about it, it is believable yes but also isnt proofing anything. He would be pretty insane for answering all my questions after I paid and being in 1 on 1 zoom calls and giving me advice and all that. 

[Jannes]

Havent taken my medication today and I feel good in a way but also I feel like I cant handle anything. 

Its time for socializing and a ton of fear is there which was just gone before. So interesting to see. 

[Jannes]

Kind of scared to do body doubling as well. Havent done it for quite some time as well. Without medication THIS was the way. 

Entered a session anyway and I feel how I am stabilizing emotionally and becoming capable to do shit. Adhd is truly fascinating. 

[Jannes]

Socializing went really well yesterday. 

I just always experience a natural limit though in how much people I can let near me. And it creates an interesting parallel to my old theatre club. Ofc people wouldnt be as supportive if I dont vibe with them. 

Also most people introduce themselves with a hug for me first, its almost never me. 

[Jannes]

Men I feel kind of helpless without my medication. Brings me back so much. 

[Jannes]

I really wanted to watch a show of my old theatre club and the only reasonable one is tomorrow. I am really scared to go though. I would likely confront more weird dynamics then healthy ones. There are basically no healthy ones. 

[Jannes]

Even without medication my RV practice went well today. In terms of how it felt, not judging the results. Even when I tried to built a stronger focus it worked, my mind wasnt all over the place. Daydreaming was big though. 

[Jannes]

Just spent about 4 hours with myself fighting internally over going to my old theatre club for a show or not. 

Its interesting, I feel emotional overwhelm, stories going through my head, getting tired and sleepy to avoid it ...

There is basically no emotional safe path back into it, basically all connection I had were bullshit in some way, no safe anquer and I dont want to fall into the same old dynamic again. 

[Jannes]

I am looking so goddamn stylish atm. 

The vintage sweater just arrived. I knew the color combination of blue jeans with darker blue top worked well and now this extra detail just makes it extra stylish. 

[Jannes]

I think the reality of my social situation is that there is a fragment of myself which seems to ugly to look at. A part of myself is like a lost child. But in all other social areas I am well developed. I would need to find someone in the same situation.

Thats why I felt so attatched to a few people, because I felt like they have the same dysbalance. Well right now I know people like this, but they lack behind across the board, not just in a few areas.

[Jannes]

Slept about 10 hours. I am in a constant state of emotional overwhelm. 

Would like to just not go to the old theatre club but that feels so wrong. 

[Jannes]

So I actually drove to old old theatre club. I was pretty late though but in the last 10 minutes on my bike I realized that I had a good shot of actually making it in time so my body slowed down. I felt so overwhelmed emotionally and without any strategy on how to fight through it or gain control. 

I arrived basically a minute to late and the door was already closed. I dared to drive on the front yard and make a turn. 

Key insights are. When I was actually there and there seemed to be no going back, I actually didnt feel any anxiety anymore. 

And also a huge chunk of my personality was invested into this place. So when I left I cut this part of my personality out. I found myself being more playful at the grocerie store afterwards, much came back to the surface for a moment. 

[Jannes]

When I came home I was like, now I want to play a Rom-Hack of Pkmn Soul Silver for some reason. 

Doing some chess puzzles now and getting back to my usual state.