Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

I still dont really know what the agenda of that girl is and I probably overthink it.. 

Well she wants to get intimate obviously. 

But as a whole, she also introduced me to some of her friends. 

Still think that she is poly.

[Jannes]

I kind of feel like a bitch for not using the opportunities, for example getting closer when I sat next to her. 

I dont want other people to see me as insecure or incompetent. But really that was a trap in the old theatre club. Well I had other reasons for not sleeping around there as well but here there arent as many reasons. 

But because she put so much into it, I kind of held her on the level of a gf material but she wasnt my type so that created confusion. Dont want to hookup with someone I emotionally invested so much into it, that could feel bad. THATS IT, THATS AN IMPORTANT POINT

[Jannes]

So being around guys is actually really grounding. I helped a guy with his couch today. What is good about it that some of the emotions are just taken out, its a little more rough and direct. Well and being outdoors and doing hard physical activity also helps. 

 

But I also questioned myself a bit. I am not really good friends with this guy and then helped him for multiple hours like that. I stood up early and put all of this in. I am really bad at looking for what I actually want.

And I was kind of even the highest status person there by a mile. Thats a really ugly animalistic dynamic to examine but I was a bit uncomfortable having way more status and it felt like they were just a little confused as well that I played the supporter. I didnt really feel comfortable in this dynamic, but really free and king-like -- for a while at least. 

 

I kind of regret leaving my old theatre club in such a way. But also with all of this built up frustration its understandable that I reacted that way. 

 

An old friend of mine, with whom I passed ways with in a painful way left two Whats-Apps groups I was also in. I kind of wanted to write him a letter for a long time, now I finally feel emotionally stable enough but its like more then a year ago and it feels a bit like a chore. Its really difficult to write that letter.

 

Later a friend asked me if I want to go to a club in my city with him. I was in the mood for that. It was techno style. 

It started pretty harsh. I was on the floor, not really warmed up and a girl danced there in my direction and I didnt really get it. Then another guy just went there dancing in her direction and she immediately got pretty close to him. Clubs are just so harsh. I wanted to push through it, but instead gave myself some empathy. That proofed to be way more effective as it built me back up and I even had some joke ideas of how I could uncomfortably flirt with the guy to push him back from the girl. Went downstairs and randomly while people were passing buy talked to a group of girls and kind of got to know them. With one I played table soccer. I feel like whenever I am lost I find people. Then my friend group came around. The combination of these things really brought me into a decent social state which I havent experienced for a long time. Not sure what happened but the social dynamic made a little drop because I think some thoughts from me came up and well I still felt pretty decent but a guy just looked at me and gave me a hug, telling me that I could relax which I hated because I just felt like I made some progress. And then another guy did the same. Its nice obviously but also it feels a bit degrading and the longer I stayed there, the more I felt like the vibe was dropping so I went outside for some air. Always looking to follow the vibe. Wasnt sure if thats what you should do or sometimes push through it. Outside a girl noticed me alone and asked if everything was alright. She integrated me into her group and I got some support. People can be so loving sometimes. 

 

What I also learned and that is huge, to be more in control in social situations when it comes to being inside the group or not. Like its okay to go outside for some air, or go upstairs on your own, or... I am not sure what it is but I kind of either needed others support, so I was on their ass all the time or I joined them because I felt like I needed to. Socializing is way more free, because people feel more free. They arent triggered or scared when you go away for some time .. like me. (maybe?) 

This is just so much more natural.

[Jannes]

What feels so good is actually giving love. I had a dynamic once, where I invested a lot and got rejected. But this felt good, it felt good to put honest love into something, in a sense I felt way more authentic and alive. I felt like I was fighting for the right cause, so I could romanticize loosing. 

[Jannes]

Woke up past midday today. 

Compared to Berlin (where I drive back in the train in the morning) the difference in how I feel is big, the day was still pretty short but it was much more comfortable. 

I am really reaching new heights in terms of social energy. I really wanted to see other people today so I drove to a social spot people sometimes play table tennis at. No one was there unfortunately. I had these energy reserves and there was a bar at my way back home. I really debated if I want to go or not. But I was scared and didnt go. I wouldnt have known what to do.. order a limo and drink it.. where drink it .. ? what if people are there and find me akward, what if I know these people .. AAAaah. Maybe I have to do this in Berlin to get used to it and then just do it in my city. That would be the most freeing thing in the world, being able to just hop in and out of bars how I feel like. 

[Jannes]

I am still a bit shocked at the situation with this one girl who put so much into it. 
On the one hand I notice that I fear a lot that people will think of me as someone who cant game basically. Welp and it is true. But also I make conscious choices which nerf me quite a bit. 

Honestly I cant even say if I didnt want to connect with this girl and have sex or if I was just a scared bitch. 

But I feel like she may have gotten her answer. 

I felt overwhelmed and honestly would have liked her in that moment, but not like she completly overtook me, there was even a slight sense of superiority in me that I could resist or maybe this was just finally intense enough to really make me understand that this was sexy territory and I was completly behind. I am so confused. She definitely kept some distance though. 

[Jannes]

On 12.9.2025 at 1:35 PM, Jannes said:

 

 

The problem with saying something is that you kind of lock in. If I havent said anything then I wouldnt have commited to anything. 
I talked with this guy that there was something problematic and now I cant really take that back without my word loosing worth. 

I even feel the pressure of needing to think what I said. 

Goddammit. 

 

[Jannes]

 

[Jannes]

I UNBLOCKED YOUTUBE NOOO 

 

Gosh I want to do serious acting.

[Jannes]

Always wanted to see a Walmart from the inside. Holy shit is really has everything. 
I hate the soil though, that completly destroys the whole vibe. If it had carpet or even just some nice pattern, it would completly transform the whole look. 

 

[Jannes]

I feel like I built some social momentum. Like I am waking up already feeling kind of social and it isnt as strenous to socialize. 

I would have loved to have that phase like 6 years earlier but better late then ever. Heck I am still young.

[Jannes]

This remote viewing thing is a convenient distraction for me. When I am honest with myself I really fear looking into what kind of job I might want to do, so as long as remote viewing is a possibility I dont need to confront that reality. This is another reason to look at it quickly. 

But its not like I dont just huge growth from socializing atm. 

[Jannes]

Body doubling session can be scary. I can become very calm and collected and then some underlying emotions can come up. 

Besides social anxiety this can be a reason why I avoid it so much. 

[Jannes]

I am at the process of changing my studies atm.

In moments like this there is always a lot of stirring going on. 

I felt bad for not taking on math for example. 

Right now I feel strong emotions towards acting, well not acting in particular, acting in theatre. 

Even in spaces where we do act, I think I am often the one who takes it most serious. 

 

I am still in the process of opening up. I might just find my talent a little to late. Welp as a hobby the theatre is always open.

[Jannes]

Socializing really does feel satisfying to me. Not sure how far this will go but lots of happy emotions emerged from connecting to people recently. 

[Jannes]

I just noticed yesterday how much adhd I actually have. At impro acting we needed to follow the plot closely in a game and I could maybe follow for 2 seconds. 

[Jannes]

I really need to test adhd medication. All I need is an EKG first. Its too late to call anybody, when I sleep to midday I dont get to work in time. 

[Jannes]

What is weird is that I wasnt really interested in sex recently even though my mind was constantly planning around it. I didnt actually feel horny. 

But now recently it came back a bit. I think it has to do with opening up more socially. 

I read somewhere that for women they need a safe space and emotional stability to open up, maybe its the same for me. 

[Jannes]

I was kinda scared to go today. Quite a lot of social situations needed handling and I wasnt really feeling it as I was pretty isolated the last couple of days. 

But this turned into one of the best social evenings yet. 

____

Some observations. There were a few attractive new girls there and I didnt want to approach them yet, as I hadnt reached a social state yet. They werent immediately picked on though, this isnt a hardcore environement, a hot girl can just chill there on here own for a while. But one guy approached this one girl. He was the guy who already got a girl another time where I felt a little jealous. He definitely got some pick up energy. Felt jealous again. He had his girl there though, but she seemed to accept, they likely have a poly thing going on. 

Another girl wanted to hear my story about the girls there. I told her the story. It was weird, I usually only open up to people close to me or to randos haha. 

Afterwards I felt much more comfortable at the social place interestingly. 

The artist girl has a boyfriend. I find it likely that she wanted to test the waters a little at least but she does have a lot of friends, including male friends. 

[Jannes]

On 12.9.2025 at 1:16 PM, Jannes said:

My inner storm is calming a bit. 

But what I left is not okay. NOOOO

I seemed to have saved that or at least made it okay again. 

I dont have access to all my trauma of course but I can learn to identify it and then when I notice that it comes up choose to take a strategy to go about it, like waiting until the storm is over, otherwise it will pull me in.