A Journey to Someone

[jjer94]

balls deep. 

Tonight is one of those nights where the temperature outside dips into the subzero fahrenheit and the quiet consumes me until I'm balls deep in heavy thoughts about life — both my life, and life in general. 

If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I have progressively become a worse version of myself since "the love of my life" passed away in November 2023. Before Elizabeth's passing, I had this wide-eyed wonder, this idealism that seeped into everything I did. I had hope, high visions for the future, and the gumption to follow through on said visions. 

All of that died along with her. What's left is a wiser, more skilled, but ultimately dumber, weaker, and more pessimistic version of myself. 

Sure, I've accomplished things that deeply satisfy me. I've built a music production business, I've actually reached a level of proficiency with it that is nearing the caliber of my inspirations, I've completely stabilized my mental health (contrary to how this post seems) thanks to diet and other approaches, and I've conquered some of my decades-long fears. 

But I've burned myself out from overworking, and now my impulse control and attention span are completely shot to the point where I can barely read a book these days. I still struggle with certain vices. I've become a shut-in who doesn't reach out to people anymore except for business purposes. I'm becoming accustomed to the idea that I will be single for the rest of my life. 

Living on this planet has never been easy; every generation has its opportunities and its setbacks. But no matter how much the self-help people will insist that there's a silver lining for everyone, there just isn't.

You can try to make the best of any situation; that's a great habit to have. But sometimes, shit just happens, and life is brutally unfair. People you love, really great well-meaning people, can die. Some people can work their asses off as much as a CEO and only make 0.0001% of what the CEO makes. Some people don't have the temperament or disposition to "work smart" or grind. Some people are born ugly and get completely overlooked, while some people who are dumbasses but born beautiful get tons of opportunities. So many destructive things in the world — our broken fractional reserve banking system, environmental degradation, factory farming, murder, genocide — so many of these things are simply due to the free will choices of particular people, and the cultures and systems in which these people inhabit. 

So much destruction from free will that it makes me wonder, why would God even grant the illusion of it? Free will might be the cause of all of this destruction, but it's also an essential component of love.

Sure, I'm writing in a forum where the general consensus is that on a fundamental level, love is everything and nothing, love is God, love is surrender to life and all of the so-called "bad" things like rape and genocide. But I'm not a moral relativist. If it's all love, then there's no grounds for preference of one thing over another.

I do believe in free will, even if it's just an illusion on a fundamental level. And that free will is the choice between that which is towards love, and that which is away from it. That which encourages unity, and that which encourages separation. A choice between good and evil, on both macrocosmic and microcosmic levels. 

If we couldn't choose, we couldn't understand love, because to love is to choose unity. 

I just wish more of us made that choice every day — not only for others, but for ourselves.