A Journey to Someone

[jjer94]

balls deep. 

Tonight is one of those nights where the temperature outside dips into the subzero fahrenheit and the quiet consumes me until I'm balls deep in heavy thoughts about life — both my life, and life in general. 

If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I have progressively become a worse version of myself since "the love of my life" passed away in November 2023. Before Elizabeth's passing, I had this wide-eyed wonder, this idealism that seeped into everything I did. I had hope, high visions for the future, and the gumption to follow through on said visions. 

All of that died along with her. What's left is a wiser, more skilled, but ultimately dumber, weaker, and more pessimistic version of myself. 

Sure, I've accomplished things that deeply satisfy me. I've built a music production business, I've actually reached a level of proficiency with it that is nearing the caliber of my inspirations, I've completely stabilized my mental health (contrary to how this post seems) thanks to diet and other approaches, and I've conquered some of my decades-long fears. 

But I've burned myself out from overworking, and now my impulse control and attention span are completely shot to the point where I can barely read a book these days. I still struggle with certain vices. I've become a shut-in who doesn't reach out to people anymore except for business purposes. I'm becoming accustomed to the idea that I will be single for the rest of my life. 

Living on this planet has never been easy; every generation has its opportunities and its setbacks. But no matter how much the self-help people will insist that there's a silver lining for everyone, there just isn't.

You can try to make the best of any situation; that's a great habit to have. But sometimes, shit just happens, and life is brutally unfair. People you love, really great well-meaning people, can die. Some people can work their asses off as much as a CEO and only make 0.0001% of what the CEO makes. Some people don't have the temperament or disposition to "work smart" or grind. Some people are born ugly and get completely overlooked, while some people who are dumbasses but born beautiful get tons of opportunities. So many destructive things in the world — our broken fractional reserve banking system, environmental degradation, factory farming, murder, genocide — so many of these things are simply due to the free will choices of particular people, and the cultures and systems in which these people inhabit. 

So much destruction from free will that it makes me wonder, why would God even grant the illusion of it? Free will might be the cause of all of this destruction, but it's also an essential component of love.

Sure, I'm writing in a forum where the general consensus is that on a fundamental level, love is everything and nothing, love is God, love is surrender to life and all of the so-called "bad" things like rape and genocide. But I'm not a moral relativist. If it's all love, then there's no grounds for preference of one thing over another.

I do believe in free will, even if it's just an illusion on a fundamental level. And that free will is the choice between that which is towards love, and that which is away from it. That which encourages unity, and that which encourages separation. A choice between good and evil, on both macrocosmic and microcosmic levels. 

If we couldn't choose, we couldn't understand love, because to love is to choose unity. 

I just wish more of us made that choice every day — not only for others, but for ourselves. 

 

[jjer94]

digital circle jerking, or, my last innuendo post title, or, give me back my soul. 

Over the past three years especially, I feel as though my attention, my time, and my very body have been siphoned. 

Maybe some of you can relate. I began with "vedging" after a long day of work, checking for updates on all of my higher consciousness places on the Internet. I still read books in the morning and in the evening before bedtime. Since I started living alone in mid-2022, I began leaning more on podcasts, audiobooks, and Youtube/IG for my social needs. 

But gradually, platforms like Youtube became muddled with algorithmic slop. The kind of "content" that doesn't actually engage any higher faculties but just fills up brain space and mildly entertains. Instagram's feed was no longer exclusively posts from the people you follow; it became random force-fed 30-second dumb fucking clips from strangers. 

And gradually, the higher stimulation of these videos reeled me in (no pun intended) more and more. I joined X, which is basically digital brain cancer, replete with the most disgusting content imaginable, a step behind gore porn and actual porn. 

I eventually stopped doing yoga. I stopped traditional meditation. I stopped reading books. I stopped journaling. And I became a studio goblin who, after ten-hour-plus sessions, retreats into his digital slop slot machine to turn off his brain. Real social interaction, or the thought of it, has become a chore (more on that in another post).

In laying all of this out, I recognize that my increasing pessimism towards life and humanity is probably not just from personal tragedies, but in large part from exposing myself to all of the corporate-endorsed, Better-Help-sponsored, human-exploitative, AI-influenced, semi-plagiarized, psychologically rapacious horse shit that we call "social media content" and its algorithmic recommendations. 

It's like I started with eating vegetables at the dinner table, and within the span of a few years, I'm down on my hands and knees in the horse barn, sucking up cocaine-laced manure in a straw, too drugged up to even notice that it's shit. Or if I do notice, I'm too drugged up to even care. 

Fuck this. I've had enough. Enough!!! If I don't take a stand now, I will lose myself completely like one of the fatties in the floating chairs in WALL-E. 

I want my fucking soul back.

 

[jjer94]

de-enshittification.

A couple of days ago, I was disgusted by the fact that I was on my hands and knees, sucking cocaine-laced horse manure through a straw.

Yesterday and today, I've decided to do something about it.

I started by deleting X and Youtube on my phone. If I'm going to watch Youtube, it'll be on my laptop. And X is cancer, so I'm not even going to bother partaking anymore. With both apps off of my phone, I have no more incentive to bring my phone into my room at bedtime, forcing me to read books. I need to be careful to choose books I will find enjoyable, or else it'll feel too much like a chore. I'm currently reading a book on the history of Jesus that my friend lent me, but I also feel called to read Isaac Asimov's Foundation series. 

Last night was the first night in awhile that I didn't go on X right before falling asleep, and I woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat. My night shirt was soaked to the point that I could almost wring it out. I think that's my body beginning to release all of the excess adrenaline and cortisol in my system. We'll see how I sleep tonight with my phone out of the bedroom altogether. 

I watched a video this morning that reminded me of Cory Doctorow's brilliant term "enshittification," which describes how massive online-centered corporations like Meta and Amazon have made their platforms increasingly unpalatable. They start with seemingly good intentions and provide a valuable service, and then they slowly abuse the consumer with increasing ads, fees, and detrimental algorithmic changes that ruin their service. 

What if by living in this system, we all enshittify ourselves to a certain degree? In my 20s, I started with a pure, authentic vision for how I wanted my life to unfold. I took the Life Purpose Course and thought big. Then, in taking action on said vision, I rubbed up against the systems in place that make actualizing it more difficult than anticipated. Then, I became more inclined to take shortcuts, or whore myself out in subtle ways just to pay the bills. Those ventures have grown and demanded more of my time and energy, so I've directed time and energy away from my authentic self and original vision. Before I know it, I've enshittified my own lifestyle to cater to outside demands, making it increasingly unpalatable. 

This journey I'm on, then... this Journey back to that Someone I knew... I could call it de-enshittification.