lost_polymath's Journal

[lost_polymath]

They say that it takes a village to raise a child, and I only realise how much of a lost child I am in this world. That is to say, I am grateful to even have the awareness that I am lost and require clarity. I stumbled across this self-actualized village by chance thanks to a book I was reading that mentioned this website and so found myself naturally drawn here.

Welcome to my journal, I hope to document my progress in my conventional career path which I am tailoring to play to my natural strengths as well as my progress in what I believe to be my life purpose which is a bit of a mixed bag. A part of me wishes to spend my life creating philosophically and spiritually driven novels and extending this to music (hip-hop) and film whilst another part of me wishes to spend time working in business and leadership across a variety of sectors. I can't seem to priortise one without the other and as a result have been in deep paralysis these past few years as I'm constantly jumping back and forth between these two things and can't solely do one without the other otherwise I become dissatisifed.

 

Background

Like a lot of us here, as a child, I was very curious about the deeper things in life, however, I never really had people to share that curiosity with until I started university and it was certainly not encouraged in my household growing up, who were hard focused on me doing well school and dedicating all my time to that.

My intention at 14 years old was to initially Philosophy, determined to explore and understand more, however, I met heavy criticism from my father who told me I’d be wasting my time and get no job prospects. He only cares for me to get a degree that will give me a high paying job and a mortgage to a home. Everything else to him is irrelevant and a waste of time. So at that point, as I was into video games, I decided to go with Computer Science. Looking back on it, it was such a whimsical decision because I put absolutely zero work into that. I tried programming once, didn’t understand a thing then never tried again till 16 when I started studying it whilst in school.

Moving forward to age 17, I then came to the realisation that I really didn’t enjoy programming as much as I loved the idea of it. So I explored other options. The next one was Mathematics, which I was thriving in at the time and really enjoying learning about modelling systems with differential equations, using calculus and a bit of statistics. However, when speaking to my father about this, I was still met with criticism despite me telling him all the jobs I could do. He thought the most I could do was become a teacher and wouldn’t believe what I was saying, pisses me off when I think about how hardheaded and narrow minded he is.

Anyways, Engineering was the next best thing and so I spent 4 years studying it, not knowing much about the field of Electrical Engineering (only found out about it just about it in the summer before I enter my final year of school) other than the fact I enjoyed math and physics which translates well.

Whilst I was heavily in love with the idea of all the cool things you could do, I didn’t find it that enjoyable. This degree required modes of thinking and behaviour that do not come as naturally to me compared to the average student studying engineering hence making my 4 years a constant uphill battle despite how much effort I put into getting better. As a result, I didn’t develop any form of passion for it and slowly came to resent it as a whole.

The passion I had for it was the stability it would provide me which I heavily value since I grew up dirt poor and at times homeless (used to go from hostel to hostel for a period of time in my childhood).  

 

Turning Point

Everything changed when I started going to therapy and I tried to envision a future for myself as an+ engineer and found myself absolutely loathing that future. That was when I began to look inside and reflect on what I truly enjoyed growing up, and a couple of things came up: writing, talking and relating to people both familiar and unfamiliar to me (something I was shunned for).

I also knew that whilst I was never going to be an academic philosopher, my will to understand myself, the cosmos and the unknown would never stop. At that point, I decided to dedicate myself to doing just that, renewing my interest in pursuing the good life.

My self-development journey so far:

1. Attended leadership course at age 17.
2. Went from 243lbs at age 17 to 176lbs at age 19.
3. Received a university degree.
4. Journaling extensively from age 17-21.
5. Self-funded and attended private therapy for 8 months. It lasted 8 months as my therapist felt I made more than enough progress to no longer require it, which I agree. It changed my life for the better and is the reason I have remembered who I am and what I want to spend my time doing.

 

The Present

I’m going to be completely honest; I confuse even myself with what I want to become and how to focus my time. Sometimes I’m all in for becoming a novelist, other days a startup founder, other days a musician and a filmmaker. It always revolves around these 4 things and has been the case for the past couple of years. The most sensible for me to do is start off with one of these then pivot into the others. The most prominent thing on my mind is solving my money problems through entrepreneurship and startups, however, if I focus on that solely, I will feel displeased that I’m not pursuing the other things. I genuinely think I have the potential and discipline to be good at all these things when I give them my undivided attention, it’s just focusing on only one of them whilst neglecting the others I struggle with deeply and why I am making very slow progress on any of them.

I am about to start a new job in sales engineering, and I intend to pivot from there into Product Marketing then into Product Management. To make this pivot, I will be studying a variety of topics including Artificial Intelligence, Design and Psychology as well as reading books and doing courses/seminars in Programming, Public Speaking and much more.

On top of that, I will be spending a lot of time digesting and understanding the concepts that Leo spend a lot of time discussing in his videos as these are all things I've been dabbling in for the past couple of years but now want to go deeper.

I was very lucky to meet very likeminded people at university who are keen to be entrepreneurs in the field of science and technology, and the one thing that seems to be reoccurring theme without me even suggesting it is me taking care of the commercial side of things despite me being an engineering student at the time. It appears I’m more business oriented of a people person than I liked to fool myself into believing due to my pride wanting to emulate that of certain genius billionaire playboys from comics and also feedback from my environment (aka my family).

As I am interested in startups having worked in that world for just under a year as a internship and spent years learning about them as a teenager/university student, I am seriously considering moving to the States for 2-3 years to be exposed to the culture there but its something I’m still debating heavily with myself. I believe it is important for me to expand my horizons. It’s something I intend to spend the next couple of years thinking about whilst working in my current role because it wouldn’t be a easy thing to do.

 

How will this journal work?

For now, I intend to post weekly updates documenting my progress. The one thing I deeply value is feedback and questions that help me to look for blindspots in my way of thinking so please feel free to leave any thoughts you have because I am a optimist who can live in lalala land sometimes and I always end up doing too much at once.

That’s in fact why I’m here. One of my tendencies I discovered after doing a strategic analysis of myself (thanks to watching Leo’s vid on strategy) was that I have no issue with meeting outer expectations of those around me but when it comes to myself, I struggle. In other words, I find it much easier to do stuff in general when people expect things of me. So I thought to myself, if I want to strive to become self-actualised and actually be accountable, what better way to achieve this than to document it on an active forum for people to see.

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy reading.

[lost_polymath]

07/04

It's been two weeks since my last post. I was away from home last weekend so didn't get a chance to update. Work has been very good. I took a risk with my career since I was transitioning from a purely technical role to a more mixture of technical and people skills role and it is working out very well so far. I'm still making use of my degree whilst doing a job that represents my authentic self which is very talkative, empathetic and personable which is something I was shunned for by my parents who always wanted me to be more quiet natured like my younger sibling which I then spent 10+ years trying to do till I reached my breaking point.

 

I'm going to split my entries into the following: Systems and Infrastructure, Health, Purpose and Personal.

Systems and Infrastructure

Right now, I'm researching, understanding and developing the systems and infrastructure I will need for my success. Something I have decided to work on is my public speaking skills. I have signed up as a guest for a Toastmasters evening in the area where I live which will be happening in a couple of weeks. I don't know what to expect but I do look forward to it and giving it a shot.

One thing you'll notice me talk a lot about which is concidentally very similar to Spiral Dynamics: Stagr Yellow is systems approach. A well know branch of engineering is Systems Engineering and is in fact something I've worked as in the past and also one of my favourite topics during my college days was Control Systems. I enjoyed both the mathematics as well as the fact you could apply it to a range of different systems so figured perhaps this could also be applied towards life so was very pleasantly surprised to see that was the approach that Leo took for Actualized. On a side note, I need to spend some time having a look at cybernetics, just for curiousity sake.

I'm currently reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. I had started it months ago but never finished it so I'm starting now. Currently on Habit 2: Begin With The End In Mind and been working through the exercises laid out. Very eye opening and is shifting my perspective on how I should be approaching my life.

I intend to up the number of books I'm reading at once thanks to some ideas from Phil King. I was mid way through Atomic Habits audiobook so will finish that and also read a book called The Long Win by Cath Bishop. In terms of fiction, going to re-read American Gods by Neil Gaiman since I... started it and never actually finished (god this is getting embarassing to keep admitting). But the last book I'll be re-reading which I actually did finish is "So Good That They Can't Ignore You" by Cal Newport 

Health

I'm in the gym multiple times a week. I train on a upper/lower split. I've been programming all my training since I started at 17 and will continue to do so. When I was 18, I popped the right side of my hip whilst squatting and it's been like that ever since. I'm not able to afford a physical therapist but is something I need to somehow get looked at. For these past few years, I've been trying to get a much bigger squat but I always end up making progress than having to restart due to the random shots of pain my right leg gives me as well as my terrible ankle mobility. So I've now made the executive decision to stop going around in circles for another 5 years and stop squatting until it gets properply looked at. I will be doing Hack Squats and Bulgarian Split Squats mainly in the mean time.

I meal prep all my food and I get such a high from eating such nutritious food even if its the base meal over and over.

One thing I intend to incoporate more of is just a generally higher daily activity. The first one is getting 10k steps minimal a day. This is hard to do when it's rained literally 80% of the time I've been in this new place so I'll need to invest in some good waterproof clothing and shoes. The next thing I'm thinking of also joining a indoor climbing place near my house but its extremely pricey for a monthly membership there but I'd be going x1-2 a week. A chance for me to be active, improve my flexibility and also socialise with people who are like minded.

 

Purpose

Creative Writing:

I've also been working on a short story intended to target and work on one of my (many) weaknesses as a creative writer which is having all characters have the same personality and speech patterns. So I decided to use AI to generate some prompts for me to practise. It's been helpful as a form of Deliberate Practise (Cal Newport) so will use this as my main way of improving my craft

Business

I have been keeping up to date somewhat with what's going on in startup world but I need to also focus on deep diving into my current industry that I am in. As mentioned earlier, putting some infrastructure in place to work on public speaking. I need to determine the next things to work on.

I'm still in a limbo as to how to focus my efforts. My obvious thought is to focus my efforts into learning all aspects of the business world both on my job and outside of work. I find the creation of businesses (more specifically startups) that are solving fundamental problems for people using the various tools at our disposal (i.e. technology) whilst also generating money for the business (though all money is is the aftereffect of providing value) incredibly fulfiling and a work of art in itself. At the same time, this joy I've had since I was a kid of creating my own worlds with my own characters in my head...and now I finally am translating to paper... also so much fun. 

Thinking about it long term, it makes most sense to focus all my attention into becoming a very successful businessman yet which I have 1000% confidence in myself to do. It feels l'm asking for permission here which I kinda hate that I know that's what my mind is doing right now, but I just can't help but feel a sense of panic when I'm not working on becoming some sort of prolific self-actualized creative writer. I think I'm afraid of losing myself in the process but that's why I'm taking my time to truly understand the best way to go about it.

 

Personal 

I've been working through Leo's videos on Spiral Dyanmics. I definitely identify with various aspects of yellow, green and orange. Still have a lot to work through. I find it very tempting to jump into spirtualism and other abstract ideas but I'd just be mentally masturbating as I'm still trying to work things out in terms of my survival and becoming finanically independent, which has been my goal for the past 2 years but have made little progress towards and in fact actually regressed. However, I just have to keep moving forward.

[lost_polymath]

28/04 

It's been a hectic couple of weeks but I'm still around. It feels rare nowadays having time to myself from almost everyone on the weekend and it feels amazing when I do.

 

Systems and Infrastructure

I attended my first ever Toastmaster's public seaking session and I really enjoyed it. I felt like I was in a flow state and watching other people speak and perform their speeches gave me insights into what I could do be doing better with my own speaking. I even had the chance to do my own speech as I knew I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone. I really like that you get really detailed feedback. I plan to be recording all my future ones and publishing them on YouTube which I will share here as time goes on.

I forgot to mention last time but I'm slowly filling out my common place book. There are so many things to research and learn about and it geniunely brings me joy knowing that I'm living in a period of time where I can do this to my lesiure no matter how long it takes. 

I am continuing to read through The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and have been doing my best to incorporate living a principle-based life based on my values.

 

Health

I'm still in the process of incorporating a much more active daily lifestyle. What makes it a bit difficult is that it constantly rains where I'm living which puts me off from going out there especially knowing that my socks get wet which just doesn't feel great to be honest. Once I rebuild my financial reserves, I can look to purchasing better shoes and waterproof clothing but that will take a couple of months as I need to save for a car first. The gym has been going ok, I'm just patietnly improving my strength.

 

Purpose

I have made the decision to full focus on business and achieving finanical independence. My resting times will be where I explore creative writing, hip hop lyricism (I intend to create at least one album before I leave this Earth), philosophy, physics and much more.

 

Personal

Relationships are a lot of work. Especially romantic ones. I'm finding it hard to balance having to play the role of my girlfriend's "therapist" (despite her being in therpay for quite a few months) as she deals with a lot of self-esteem issues for months on end whilst trying to move towards my potential. It's tough to let go because there really and truly isn't quite many people like her and I want to make it work.... its just tough. Sometimes it feels like the best thing I can do for her is to break things off to give her the push she needs to get better but that could end up backfiring.

I seem to have a reoccuring pattern of ending up in both romantic and platonic relationships with people where I'm essentially the caretaker/therapist for them for months and years on end and I'm starting to get sick of it. I need to investigate what the heck it is I'm doing that ends up attracting these sorts of people in my life. I suspect its coming from my inability to enforce my boundaries when I really should, due to how much I care for people that seemingly care for me.

All that to say, I have definitely grown from those experiences. I'm now very content having a extremely small group of people I call friends who I talk to like once or twice a week or every couple of weeks/months whilst being mostly on my own. It's something I've learned to appreciate after entering my first proper romantic relationship where so much of my time was devoted to them and it being taken for granted. I'm learning a lot from it. My relationship is like a mirror as it allows me to see who I actually am in relation to someone else on a intimate/romantic level.

It allows me to realise my shortcomings and my own insecurities that I will continue to work on the daily along with the help of the Actualized videos whilst moving towards the future I want for myself.

Edited April 28, 2024 by lost_polymath

[lost_polymath]

12/05

Yet another hectic couple of weeks, I'm going to switch the order a little bit actually for this entry.

Personal

I spoke a bit about relationships in the previous entry and there has been a major update to that. My girlfriend and I have mutually decided to put our relationship on hold for the remainder of this year whilst she figures out who she is. So we're effectively single until next year when we decide whether or not we want to resume our relationship. I've been adjusting somewhat OK as I've had time to reflect having went on long walks and having time to myself. For me, I see this is a opportunity to continue to double down on focusing on my career as I've been doing with my job, Toastmasters and now focused on entrepreneurship on the weekends.

I'm slowly taking steps to living a more principled life, especially on health. I've been consciously trying to filter every decision through my top 10 values to see if they align or not which is been quite helpful. I also need to do some work on understanding more about having boundaries and not being too much of a doormat to those closest to me.

 

Systems and Infrastructure

I'm missing some key things from my environment that I need, namebly: computer chair, mouse.

I also need to open up a proper savings account and start to rebuild my emergency fund since I expended it all surviving unemployment for a couple of months.

I bought a couple of books this week:

• Zero to One: Notes on Start Ups, or How to Build the Future by Peter Thiel and Blake Masters

• Poor Charlie's Almanack: The Essential Wit and Wisdom of Charles T. Munger

• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

• Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari

• How Innovation Works by Matt Ridley

• Influence: The Psychology of Peruasion by Robert Cialdini

• Ficciones by Jorge Luis Borges

These are all books I've been looking to buy for quite a while now and I got a giftcard that I could use towards books so made to capitalise on it by picking books that would move in the direction of what I believe part of my purpose to be which is building and running successful businesses that are innovating and pushing the envelope of what is possible across a wide range of sectors (though I have a preference for deep tech). To me, building and scaling businesses is like a work of art. It just feels so satisfying watching businesses grow, make a impact and also be rewarded.

The only book that is a bit of a more personal choice is the last one, Ficciones. This is something I tend to read whilst on my lunch break at work each day. It's a collection of short stories, its around 170 pages in total so its a nice way for me to switch off during my lunch and just enjoy some fiction. After I finish this, I intend to pick up the Foundation series by Isaac Asimov as way of continuing to cultivate my enjoyment for writing.

Continuing to cultivate my love for fiction through novels, mangas and comics for when I eventually pivot from entrepreneurship to spending all my days reading, writing novels, working out, raising my family, creating music, experimenting with other creative mediums like cinema and dance and focusing on self-actualisation work will be really important so better to start now then later. And I am geniunely looking forward to reading it as I've heard Jorge is an amazing author, curious to know if anyone has read his work.

 

Health

I'm making progress on my gym routine which I'm happy about. I made the right choice focusing on bodybuilding and general health. Speaking of which, on days that I haven't been in the gym, I have been getting in my daily steps. The best way for me I find is listening to a podcast whilst walking though sometimes I just want to clear my mind so will just listen to nothing. I hope to continue this moving forward and make it into a unbreakable habit.

 

Purpose

I'm currently in the market research stage, I've been doing surveys and learning more about the market space that I'm in. The area that I'm targetting, what makes it interesting is that despite the countless apps and such out there for this problem, there doesn't seem to be a large adoption of these products. There are multiple root causes which I'm hypothesising, and now I need to validate them and prove they are the root causes then provide solutions to these problems. I need to re-read some of the ideas from Lean Startup by Eric Ries to help me do this. I will not be revealing anything about this yet until I've reached a point I'm satisfied (i.e. beta product, software solution, ~100 users) at which point I'll happily talk more about it.

Side note, I need to slowly make it so my rest/down time revolves around reading, writing (e.g. personal blog where I explore philosophy, systems thinking, mathematics, the sciences, psychology and much more from my own perspective) and self-reflection instead of mindlessly consuming YouTube (guilty as charged :D). I need to think about activities that are low brain effort but still benefit me in some capacity.

Damn, I didn't think much happened but when I write it all out like this, I only now realise how busy I'm starting to become. It really ain't easy trying to live in your purpose.

Edited May 12, 2024 by lost_polymath

[lost_polymath]

26/05

Work has been incredibly busy but I've been managing to keep on top of it. I've been experiencing a sort of inner joy these past few weeks as I'm enjoying my alone time. This is probably a mixture of only having to worry about myself, eating healthy foods, actually taking action on working towards building a business instead of spending hours theorising on how to do so and gaining insights about how I want to approach my life.

 

Personal

I have watched quite a lot of Leo's videos but they were usually on my way to work and I didn't get to take notes on all of them. One video that I watched that I knew essentially described my state of being was on Becoming A Sage. It reminded me of my childhood and the only things I wanted to be when I grew up: a writer and a really wise person. When I was still following religious ways, the one thing I would pray for was wisdom and knowledge to do well in life. As I got older, it became a lot deeper than that, I was curious to learn how the different fields that defined our world from physics to history to economics to music to politcs and how I could take my understanding of that to innovate across a variety of fields.

I do not know how to get there but its what ALL my actions towards now have been leading towards, this singularity, for basically all my life. In my words, understanding the world through a systems lens and driving innovation through a variety of mediums including business, science technology, media (e.g. music, film, books) and more. In other words, becoming a polymath or modern sage. So now I've got some clarity on how I want to spend my career, I need to pivot all my focus towards learning how to innovate. I feel a lot of joy when I think about all that there is to learn and experience in this short life, I just have a lot of work to do to make sure I set myself up to be able to receive the experiences and learnings.

 

Systems and Infrastructure:

I bought a wireless mouse and I'm already  seeing a massive difference in the amount of work that I'm doing, was definitely worth the investment. The next one is a computer chair that is comfortable enough for me as my current one which my landlord provided should honestly be burned and destroyed, horrible chair.

I need to develop a system that works for me that allows me to continue to learn about the world extensively whilst working towards the goal of financial independence without causing burnout.

Been working my way through The Long Win by Cath Bishop, on Chapter 7 currently. It has truly changed the way I view becoming successful: perfecting process > any outcome.

 

Health:

Being eating really well with lots of my own home cooked foods. I'll need to start posting in that mega thread by PrincessArabia with some of the stuff I've been making. Really happy with progress in the gym though I have accidentally lost 3kgs despite eating like I usually done (3 meals a day) due to increased activity levels from my walks. I'm not complaining though as I'm just in time for summer hahaha.

 

Purpose:

I've been making progress, I'll go into more detail in a future post as I want to focus on doing and not just talking. To end, its been a good week so far and if I can just maintain this state for the rest of my life, I'd die pretty happy!

[lost_polymath]

06/06

Personal

Been at my parents place for the past week now for a little relaxing. It's interesting to notice how much this environment makes me want to do little to no work (though to be fair I've did some work) and just turn my mind off.

I binged a manga but it was essentially the equivalent of mental mastebration. Spent some time writing lyrics as well over a beat my brother made.

Also even though it should be obvious at this point considering the forum I'm on, I had a realisation the other day that the answer to everything I've ever wanted to know lies within myself and for some reason, its something I've passively acknowledged but this time it cut really deep, I'm not sure why.

 

Systems and Infrastructure:

Opened up another bank account for allowing me to manage my money more effectively. One of the next things I would like to buy is Leo's Life Purpose Course. Still haven't made progress on developing a system that works for me that will allow me to flow between different creative things I like to do which include innovation, creative writing, writing lyrics, understanding new ideas and more.

 

Health:

Eating well like usual. Gym is going well as well. I am still saving for some equipment that will allow me to work on my mobility and my athleticism from my room which will go a long way as I wish to pivot back into the world of Olympic Weightlifting and I'd like to take that seriously for a 5 year period at some point in either my 20s or 30s then spend the rest of my days playing sports casually on days I'm not in the gym. Also still need to find a way to focus in martial arts.

 

Purpose:

Making progress, currently doing surveys for a potential product and going to go through feedback to understand gaps in the market. Still a lot of work to be done here.

 

So much I want to do but so little time, really need to get better at priortising and focusing. I'm consciously holding back on delving into any spirtuality videos simply because I have no more bandwidth to do so despite it being in my top 10 values.... need to go back to the drawing board I think.

Edited June 6, 2024 by lost_polymath

[lost_polymath]

10/04/2025

It... has been a long time. I pulled away from this in order to put my feet to the fire as Leo would say and be fully immersed in life. What have I done in the past few months?

 

- Started a business to solve a common problem that I'm not passionate about for the sake of making money and becoming financially independent only to end up pivoting the business to be more aligned with my unrealised desire to tackle social issues. I'm a bit mad though because I dumped all my life savings into the idea but one thing I learnt I'm capable of doing which is necessary for entrepreneurship is grit. I could discipline myself to follow through on the business for a year straight whilst making no money and gaining nothing other than a project to put on my CV.

- Began a romantic relationship with a woman which would become a rollercoaster due to life hitting the fan for both of us in our respective lives resulting in a cycle of intense love, deafening silent treatments, arguments, resentfulness and being drained of my pockets. The aftermath is me left feeling bitter, resentful and broken.

- One of my immediate family members currently going through a mental health episode which is what really made me take a step back and think about the problems in mental health and use my passion for problem-solving and innovation to make things better.

- Began a newsletter exploring societal issues through systems thinking using my engineering degree as a foundation.

- Understanding my biggest competition: me. Strengths, weaknesses, defence mechanisms, tendencies, self-limiting beliefs etc

-Incorporating meditation practise and visualisation into my daily life without finding myself maladaptive daydreaming.

- Trying to understand my personality more because it still feels like a mystery to me.

 - Trying to balance 9-5, business, family, romantic/platonic relationships, pursuing true purpose by writing articles and short stories, self-actualisation work, fitness, finances all at the same time.

-Battling the mother complex and trying to integrate my anima.

 

It has been HELL. I'm now spent mentally and financially. However, it's not all bad. I prayed time and time again for clarity on how I can live my life because I'm still so desperate to make money to take care of my family. So God taught me this shit the hard way. There's so much I understand know about what I want in this life and what I want to focus (and not focus on) on whilst in my current Stage Orange/Green development before spending my older years on the 2nd half of my multifaceted purpose.

I prayed to God this week asking for a sign whether or not I should pivot my business or if I was making my choice in a very emotional state, and lo and behold I decided to come on the forum since it had been a while and see that @Leo Gura posted a blog post talking about schizophrenia that he posted just 2 days ago. My prayer has been answered and there is no longer any doubt in my mind what I must focus my energy on.

So thank you God//Leo/Me.

Life has been incredibly shitty these past 3 months, but it can only go up from here. 

Or so I can only hope.