Aquarius

The Magician.

This post is the epitome of delusion and confusion and playing devil's advocate and pointing fingers. Look at it. Just look at it, EVERYONE. I hope we can all learn from it.

I suffer from insomnia and malnourishment. I never meant to be a judge or an actor, I'm not. I will try to speak in a way that everyone underdtands from now on. I'm not coding anything, I simply had things come up from subconscious. I have been molested by an occultist. I am a healer tho, and yes I'm fine, and yes he is fine, we are all family here not fighting anyone. No victim syndrome here. No savior-complex. Not trying to do anything. I am many things: healer, writer, meme creator, lowkey singer, artist, a mystic, astrologist... Please don't try to help. Help yourselves. If you need help I am here, but I had moments when I wanted to leave this forum because of certain individuals who called me a piece of shit. I really am suicidal but not because I lack dick or anything of that sort. I am in total peace of mind. I feel safe already. I had hard moments, but I just had delusions, shit happens. Taking medication is a really shitty experience. I am getting therapy and that's it. I am depressed.

Last words (9th of February 2018) My dear please, tell me Have I been important to you? Because you were for me I do reassure, you cut in my heart. I dared to believe your word When you said I am flawless: The most beautiful, the best, the smartest That there is no one cuter than me But you see, you left me now You don't have to hide your feelings You've been a coward, so you stayed in silence But now I see where you've been and what you've been doing What I give is never enough to you What I say is never plenty A thousand kisses like a thousand words: Neither are kind, neither are pure. This is the way we departed The prince and the princess Two fragile souls that matured Broken by each other.

For a dreamy guy (2th of July 2018) It took you a word To grab my attention It took you two weeks To earn my love It took you a month To make me a new person But it took you one moment To take all of this away from me So how much will it take Until I fill up the void you left?

There's always been suffering in the world, it's only natural. I assume you read too many news or watched too many politics. I honestly don't even watch tv anymore, nor do I read things that I know aren't beneficial for my mental well-being. I would definitely recommend getting your blood tested and visiting a dietetitian. It can only help. Or simply take multi-vitamin supplements twice a year. If you wish to reduce suffering in the world, get yourself together first. We can do small acts of kindness with great love, you don't have to bear the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don't be so hard on yourself. Do you have genuine friends to talk with?

The rise of the internet really propulsated our cognitive development, didn't it? Not long ago we were cavemen and now here we are. It's sad and funny in the same time, but real life doesn't always work by our own models and expectations. Reality is really strange and you cannot outsmart or box reality. Your life is literally what you make it though. With enough belief in yourself, and depending on your resources and good luck you could achieve anything, as long as you don't lose sight of the vision. There are indeed a lot of factors interplaying, both external and internal in literally everyone's life. I think what you tried to say is that a healthy relationship is based on collaboration, if I understood correctly. It's good to be radically honest with others. People who don't like you won't stay long in your life either way. You don't have to take anything too personally though. Especially not on a forum, because you know well she doesn't know anything about your life or what you've been through. Perhaps she just tried to help, or share an opinion of hers that she thought would help others. I myself think it's great that you can be both honest and authentic. Not everyone will agree with you, or with her, or with me, but no need to be rude. It's your choice though, who am I to interfere with your free will.

That's interesting. We think alike. I usually tend to think of everyone as equals and do respect every single being, but I consider men more superior. Sorry, let me correct myself: I have the tendency to consider men more superior for the exact same reason you mentioned. You're making generalizations. That's fine, I also made that mistake pretty often in the past. I understand what you mean.

I'm 20 years old, I don't think that's old. You're right, next time I'll keep my post short and straight to the point. Edit: I just feel old deep inside for some reason. A lot of truth in this post, thank you. Not a fan of Harry Potter because I don't watch movies and don't really read books of that category, kinda feels like a brainwash for me, that specific book series I mean. Just a personal opinion, because I started reading it but lost interest quickly. Even had a t-shirt cause I thought it looked cool, but that's about it, not a fan. But from what you described, I myself might be that "Boggart" you talk about, but not with bad intentions and not out of insecurity. Again, not sure what the HP books are about, I have never read them.

@brugluiz I did get enough sleep, but I cannot sleep at night. I'll ask my doctor about olanzapine, thank you.

@ajasatya I asked for advice about how to communicate my experience to my psychiatrist properly, not for a diagnosis. But thank you for trying to help, I appreciate that you tried to help, even though it did sound like a passive-aggressive attack towards me, the wording, that is. My medication doesn't let me sleep at night (valproid acid), and when I don't take it I easily fall into what I assume is kundalini psychosis. My neuroleptic is fine, but it gets absorbed way too fast and I'd rather take pills than injection because that way I know I can sleep.

...

Sharing thoughts is caring, or is it not? (1/4/2019) When the boundaries between delusional and illusional and rational and irrational become so thin that you don't know if it was your medication, or lack thereof you don't know anymore if the medication helps or helps not or if you're ill, or not or if you simply listened to the wrong people or talked with the wrong people or said the wrong things and trying to clean up the mess your psychotic episode created it's never too late but for what?

@Leo Gura Playing Devil's advocate much, yes. I'm full of bullshit.

There are 3 dynamics: male - male male - female female - female When a male treats me like a male it's insulting, really. People that try to give me the compassion they need. I need to be treated like a girl. I was authentic and pure and innocent this whole time. People were projecting their assumptions on me and were trying to fix me and I gladly surrendered and was a doormat, and it just damaged me. I need not to be fixed. I had time to contemplate in my "cave". I'm back now. Don't take anything I say too personally, you guys. I remember Leo had a moment when he was asked what he will do in 1 year, what are his plans etc etc. And he said "Who knows, my plans change every day as I develop myself [...] maybe I will kill myself,". He literally said that and I contemplated that sentence so much. It wasn't him trying to scare anyone or coerce anyone. It was an authentic expression of his thoughts. I respect Leo so much. I realized I need to ground myself into something. I think that's why models are useful. They give a structure to ground into. So I'm grounding into these model aspects: ESFJ-A Coral 10th ox The Pioneer archetype The Aquarius archetype Not leaving anywhere. Sorry if I created any worry. <3

Thanks!

@Gabriel Antonio I think I found a trustworthy one. I made an appointment and praying I will be ok. @brugluiz I suffer from insomnia and doctors refuse to give me sleeping pills. It has been like this since like forever. No idea why I got the medication I am getting, they didn't tell me what I was diagnosed with. Something like acute delusional something, but whenever I was in hospital it was because I didn't sleep for 5-8 days straight, so the delusions did have a reason.

@zambize I am still visiting the forum to share insights whenever I have time. Or to share art/poems. And sure, will let you guys know about my vlog when I make it. But that's long distance goals, might take a few months or so.

Bliss (1/3/2019) No excuses and no regrets Efortless life, as good as it gets Making mistakes every minute, every hour Sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet, salty and sour Life has flavors, I'm content and glad Not caring much about who is and who isn't mad Dreams become reality, reality is a dream Nothing anymore is what it would seem Lost in the context, lost between words Monkey mind no more, nothing really hurts.

I am not posting in this journal anymore because I have had some negative experiences and I feel like the journal in itself started to serve the wrong purpose. I have to get more serious about my life, and this journal started to reflect how much of an unfocused hypocrite I became, literally making a joke out of myself on front of the whole forum. How pathetic can I be? It was amazing to go through all these altered states and climb up from Beige to Coral, and then letting go of the entire model completely because it didn't serve much purpose to me. It wasn't too pleasant to have hallucinations, it wasn't too pleasant to develop siddhis I had almost no control over, it wasn't normal for me to try to help others when I could have had worked harder on my career path choice, that is, of a visual artist and poet. I am not giving excuses to myself, nor to others. I literally cast out energetic viruses from my body, freed myself from generational inhertited tendencies and now I became such a healthy version of myself that my mere physical presence is healing. But I do mean my literal physical presence, that doesn't mean I will sound or look healthy on the internet, including forums and social media. And I am very grateful for everything, "good" and "bad" alike. I have taken care of both myself and my family since my birth and the family roles got kinda mixed up, I've never been a child, I have no inner child, I simply exist. I choose not believe in mental illnesses, I refuse to, that's why I'm taking 100% responsibility for my life and my actions. Being 20 years old it means my personality is still developing, and doing all this workout for 15 years (or call it active meditation) did help enormously. I am grateful I worked out so much because now my body can handle all these shifts in consciousness. I don't even come on this forum for help anymore and I am sick and tired of humor when it comes to personal development. If I wanna be funny I'll go create a channel for myself as I intended, a vlog or something. I make a choice to be serious on this forum, or I know I'll be misunderstood. I also choose to not take anything personally. You guys are amazing. Much love.

@zambize Yeah. Thank you.

I wonder why I sounded that way. But thank you, I appreciate you trying to help. I have no hard addictions but I may have had soft addictions in the past, or perhaps I just had what I like to call normal human physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. Wasn't looking to date him, he messaged me and I simply replied to him. He triggered some insecurities in me though and I simply responded because I was lonely and it felt good to chat with someone, anyone. Wasn't strong enough back then. Was at a different stage in both SD and Enlightenment. And at a different place in my life. Sometimes we fall apart, sometimes we come together. Human nature. Reality is enigmatic. I have had emotional problems, but I like to believe my heart is pure. Ok, thank you. Wasn't trying to prop up my ego. I'm just weird.

@Gabriel Antonio But I'm afraid to open up. How do I know that I can trust her or not? I have trust issues.

Or my phone. Or myself. We'll see.