Aquarius

1. Mandala dedicated for those working in hospitals, clinics, personal businesses related to healing such as psychologists and psychiatrists 2. Self portrait of how I imagined myself to look when I become 21 years old (made this drawing when I was 16). And yes, I ended up looking very similar nowadays, I would just like to grow out my pixie. And yes, I'm a girl. Yes, I was born girl. Anywayyy much respect to transgenders too. You guys rock! And a poem I'm typing right now: "Different" (1/26/2019) Doesn't matter if black or white or red or yellow or blue or green or pastel marshmallow... you are unique like a snowflake a snowflake is a mandala your ego is a mandala your projections may become mandalas in the sky at least that's what Jung says I never met Jung but I'm fangirling him like a little psychology hoe so yes where was I? oh yeah, so... your ego has feelings cherish it, love it ego will heal I did it so why couldn't you? You sweet mothereffer you.

Winterdance (january/21/2019) or: a dynamic between a yin soul and a yang soul in a little garden there's a little flower* the whole world is taking care of her. the flower will grow one day "until then my heart will warm up." ** the mind is tired it's always sleepy ready for everything empty of tendencies. in the grass there lays a soul*** stares at the Moon says that "I am alive!". kind is the flower rude is the soul wet is the grass "I ain't afraid of anything!". everybody is rushing somewhere but the soul is snuffling, sleeps deeply then he wakes up the leaves of a tree are rustling in the wind. the soul briskens up "...I want more!" the sky is getting bluer the fire is getting wilder. the soul is kind the flower likes him the flower seduces the soul sheds its armor. the soul jumps up quickly the flower is shaking "here comes Winter!" souls**** are coming by the thousands. the soul leaves the flower is drooping***** the scenery becomes white And the Sun melts into it. * In my culture we call female lovers "flower"; here in the poem the flower represents the female, yin soul ** The replies within the quotation marks are the words of the male, yang soul. *** In this poem I call "soul" the male, yang energy, and "flower" the female, yin energy. **** By souls here in this verse I am referering to males, androgynous lesbians, or masculine people in general. ***** Drooping - here: symbolic. Getting older, maturing, and dying in pain of losing a best friend/lover that couldn't "hate" enough to love, a lover that couldn't handle the situation because of dire circumstances. This poem is about an air-air relationship dynamic. I hope you guys enjoyed the story. Hugs.

Last time I got my 25mg risperidone injection I literally saw Charlie Chaplin in front of my room's window. I had to take my 1000mg valproic acid granules for it to disappear. Can you guys offer some advice about what to tell my psychiatrist?

This was a compliment by the way. This journal makes me a better person. I enjoyed the prayer to the Goddess in a previous page, I literally cried and it made my day better. Sorry to confuse you with my last post on this, it really was meant to be a compliment. I'm very weird. I think you might enjoy this: https://astrologeranne.com/206/aquarius-time-of-year-awaken-to-inner-wisdom/

Your posts give me psychosomatic diarrhea and I love you so much for this, I'm super-duper-idiot. Lova to ya. I dont even read your whole journal im too busy. sorry i need to shit now omg edit: I also need to vomit.

I'm very aware of that. Buuuuuuuut.... My psychotherapist is a positive orange/green-ish. And my psychiatrist is a highly empathic, religious yellow (non-dogmatic). My psychiatrist says if I continue to heal at this pace I might not need medication anymore. She claims that it's possible that I will heal in a few months!!! Much love to you!

I went through a maturization process but I vomited out all my subconscious shadow shiz and random music lyrics that could be easily misunderstood all over actualized forum when I had spiritual psychosis that was triggered by enlightenment this Christmas/New Year. I also had a hard time integrating red and orange, but I succeeded. Not saying this to brag, just a reassurance for people that worried for me. And now that I'm stable and embraced the shadow side I feel ashamed and misunderstood because everybody saw my dark side. Most people possibly think I'm an immoral person, but I just tried to be myself and to give the best I could. I tried to help, but I realized it wasn't helpful to write nonsensical stuff that could be easily misinterpreted. Please give advice on how to forgive myself for all the possible hurt I unintentionally caused with my words while I was in that state of mind. I assume the responsibility, but it hurts to look back at my old broken self that since then has gone through enormous healing. Thanks in advance. I write this post because I lack understanding from most people around me, even though I adore constructive criticism. And to compensate for your time and effort you put in readings this, here is something actually very motivational and lovely that I highly enjoyed and you might do too. It's something I live by nowadays and I'm so glad I found a quote that describes me so well. Enjoy! “ The Paradoxical Commandments People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.” ― Kent M. Keith, The Silent Revolution: Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council

What I do is active meditation. I listen to my favourite jam and I enter a state of trance while dancing. If I get a creative idea, I write a poem for a loved one. @CreamCat What do I eat if I'm gluten-intolerant?

Thank you... I.. I really needed that.

Gee thanks dude hugs to you. Yes, I regret those posts sometimes. Did shadow work, worked so well, getting therapy but it makes me depressed because things are being brought up and im having this psychosomatic vomiting reaction when I see something I don't like. I'm a girl btw, not a "he".

@Charlotte Never been allowed to feel anger, couldn't allow myself, I had to take care of my family. Never been allowed to think sexual thoughts, religious dogma. I'm a psychological mess. I feel guilty for being attracted to hot men, it's an irrational thought I know but but... I wanted to be a saint ok and I'm crying when typing this. Edit: I'm a heterosexual girl, for the newbies who didn't see my older posts lmao.

@Tal Thank you! Great idea, the journal one. I already meditate while doing cardio. I don't know if you saw my previous posts but I'm a Coral, if that helps you help me. Burning some sandalwood incense stick to clear my subconscious negativity right now. It brings up so many traumas, I pray I can release them in healthy ways. Maybe write my thoughts down on a piece of paper then analyze them when the anger is over. I've never been allowed to feel anger and I'm emotionally manipulated into feeling guilt for my healthy anger reactions.

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks, you're very kind for taking the time to write all of that, I love you a lot. Look at this: "Concluding and Integrating - a flowering of coral "Conflicts will diminish as our global, universal, spiritual, and cosmic awareness increase. By far the greatest contribution to peace an individual can make is to become a global, universal, and cosmic being." Robert Muller, A Planet of Hope, 1986 The only real problem our planet has is people. Luckily we are not all the same, despite being born equal in all meaningful respects. What we do after birth changes our not-so-blank slate into what we are today. If we are nasty then so will be our world, if we are nice then our world will be nice too. It is entirely up to us, so the optimistic focus in our quote is highly relevant and the sort of being Muller describes relates to our last 2nd tier vMeme, coral. Gaining this sort of enlightenment is of course not at all easy, there is no 'quick fix' to Godhood. But every little helps, and if we target our own improvement, then we can (as we say) "Free Our Wild Side" and become content with our lives. As we are all inter-connected, then this goodness in us will flow outwards and inspire goodness in others. Our world will thus become a better place. We have looked in this essay at how the view from Spiral Dynamics helps us to understand better our behaviours as a species, and of course from a complexity science point of view understanding ourselves as a 'system' is an essential step in working towards that better optimum, whether considered personally, as a local group, or globally. Here we recognise the importance of self-stabilizing attractors, both in their correspondence with the various types of vMemes and in their relevance to the problem of 'freeloaders' - selfish (red) elements that try to disrupt society and turn it 'bad' (e.g. promoting lies, hate, theft and bullying). An integrated society is better able to resist such pressures (a valid contribution of the purple vMeme), but further research is still needed if our science is to assist us in better understanding and minimising this problem (so widespread today). All vMemes have their positive and negative effects, and whilst we should not neglect the latter, we can also embrace the former, and this is the ultimate coral message." (Source: http://www.calresco.org/wp/spiral.htm ) I am already healthy. My friends and family call me a miracle. @brugluiz But... but society needs orange! It grounds... Those were from the DSM-5 btw. Nuff said. I talked with my therapist on the phone, she seems to be very green/yellow. Did not see her yet. She also understands my ironic jokes which is wow. She said I'm schizotypal because I told her I'm a catholic mystic. Oops lol, my bad.

@kieranperez Woah dude, don't lower your standard like that, look for a Turquoise one! Anyway, doesn't matter what stage she is at if she is a decent person you feel good with. How a woman acts depends a lot on how you treat her and others around you. I know this from experience, I mean, from observing myself. I only have experience with dating men, because I'm a heterosexual girl and most of my friends are also male so I don't really know much about other women. And I'm Coral and rarely resonate with others' lifestyle choices, but I respect everyone anyway. Here's a hug: *hug*. You will make it, you're a really strong individual, I saw your previous posts, you're very intelligent. You need to balance theory and practice. Also, let life happen, things will all fall into place. But look, you have to .... JUST DO IT, DON'T LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS AAAAAAAAA!!!! Helpful links: - really cool article from a dating expert: http://thinksimplenow.com/relationships/how-to-date/ - again, expert psychologist advice: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-love/201202/deeper-dating-the-three-steps-lead-love - a book that I enjoyed and helped me (even though I didn't finish reading it lmao): Models - by Mark Manson I hope this helps, good luck.

Great post! I went through these realizations when I was about 17-19 or so years old and it was indeed very liberating. I love watching you evolve, it makes me, the individual typing this, really proud of you. I used to regret going into enlightenment work and spirituality because of all the pain it caused, but right at this very moment in life I cannot be compared to the hot mess I was. So it was worth all the work in the end.

Update: I've been told by my new psychotherapist that I might have borderline and schizotypal traits. TRAITS!! Not the disorders themselves. I might just have sleep deprivation. I did some "research". (Actually nah, I clicked the first links I saw on google. Lolol. ) Borderline: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201112/borderline-personality-disorder-big-changes-in-the-dsm-5 Schizotypal: Schizotypal Personality Disorder Persons with Schizotypal Personality Disorder* are characterized by a pervasive pattern of social and interpersonal limitations. They experience acute discomfort in social settings and have a reduced capacity for close relationships. For these reasons they tend to be socially isolated, reserved, and distant. Unlike the Schizoid Personality Disorder, they also experience perceptual and cognitive distortions and/or eccentric behavior. These perceptual abnormalities may include noticing flashes of light no one else can see, or seeing objects or shadows in the corner of their eyes and then realizing that nothing is there. People with Schizotypal Personality Disorder have odd beliefs, for instance, they may believe they can read other people's thoughts, or that that their own thoughts have been stolen from their heads. These odd or superstitious beliefs and fantasies are inconsistent with cultural norms. Schizotypal Personality Disorder tends to be found more frequently in families where someone has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia; a severe mental disorder with the defining feature of psychosis (the loss of reality testing). There is some indication that these two distinct disorders share genetic commonalities (Coccaro & Siever, 2005).

Update: Problem solved, got the right medication. I corrected my sleep schedule by myself and I am slowly healing step by step. I love my new psychiatrist, she's very nice and I am already healing every day. Been inactive on the forum for a few days because busy with studying.

I second that. Ever since I got enlightened people are literally staring at me on the street with great awe. It helped me a lot in socializing.

@Water Try listening more than you talk (of course this isn't written in stone, just an advice). Try asking people questions about them and what they love to do and such and such. People love to talk about themselves and about what they love. And if you really are a full of love they will sense it and will gladly share their stories and conversations spark up out of sweet nothings. It doesn't always have to be complicated philosophy, just ask them about their day, how they are, tell them about your projects and talk with passion in your voice. That's all I know about people so far from experience. I hope it helps. p.s.: Look up active listening and non-violent communication. If you master those two skills, man, it will be so much easier to connect with anyone! @ajasatya Thanks, much love to you!

I don't think it matters where you are at in life, but most people outside of self-help communities (friends and lovers alike) are usually looking for someone to make them feel good. If you cannot provide that, they won't stay for too long, but it's not like it's your fault or theirs, because there is really no one to blame for being themselves. It's rare to find people nowadays that are caring and strong at the same time. It requires a level of maturity to be that way. And even people who are caring and strong can have hard times sometimes, because we are human and you cannot expect everyone to shower you with love all the time. If you feel good, you can spread that love and it will come back to you, and you will feel even better, and you will be able to give even more love, and then receive even more love back, and the cycle goes on and on. However, if you feel bad, it's not the smartest option to suppress anything, but why not try to invest that "negative" emotion into art? You will get more love and admiration in the long run from people who enjoy that type of art, if love and admiration is what you are looking for. Perhaps making a side-project, if that's not something you usually do (assuming you're an artist by your signature). From my experience, on the internet it can be very difficult to maintain relationships, and friendships even! I deleted all my internet friends from my Facebook and I only keep it for family and close friends and people whom I trust and know personally / whom I met face to face, like teachers from school. And I'm not visiting chat sites and dating sites anymore. I feel like this was the smartest choice of my life and I feel so much better since then. Internet addiction is a real thing! If you feel like you're not in the "right place" in life, invest more in yourself. It doesn't even have to cost you money, because there are so many great sites, like wikihow, openculture or guttenberg project, to name a few. You just have to do the work.

Woof!

Oh, alright. Thank you.

I tried masturbating yesterday night, only to see if I could ever feel arousal again. I kept getting orgasms on my own without masturbating so I realised something is not right, I thought maybe I was repressing something. It was possible to masturbate, from what I observed, and I did reach an orgasm. It was the same way as it used to be always, it was all fine, no extreme Kundalini and whatever. The insight I got right before falling asleep: I was in tears. I cried so much and so hard. I felt pain, but it was so liberating. Pain is liberation, liberation is pain. It was the same pain I felt after every sex I had with my ex, the same crying, the same tears. I never wanted to be successful with men, I only wanted 1 loyal partner who would love me. I made so many mistakes by trying to apply non-dual to dual. But after this experience I felt so human. It was hard to channel my Kundalini back into its place, but I'm fine now. I think going outside and dating people will be nice. Maybe it's what I need. Maybe it isn't. I will choose nice guys anyway, not "nice guys" and fuccbois. :3 I know how to be safe now. Everything is fine now. My family is supportive of me and helps me to fight withdrawal symptoms of medication that I'm NOT TAKING SINCE YESTERDAY BECAUSE I'M HALLUCINATING FROM IT IF I TAKE IT! I will heal soon. I'm an adult now. I hope you guys are supportive as well.

Screw that, I am all of them.