Aquarius

That's called the rat-race. It is a way of life in which people are caught up in a fiercely competitive struggle for wealth or power. You always want more and more and no matter how much you have it's never enough. Its opposite is lifestyle minimalism.

What is worth doing and what isn't worth doing depends totally on what kind of person you are and what your goal in life is. People dedicate their lives to many things, for example some find gaming a waste of time (especially on self-help forums like this), while others make a career out of it. For the first person there are a set of different values and priorities, that's why he or she might find gaming a distraction from those values, for example if the said person finds value in studying and taking courses or maintaining high grades in a university setting. Then gaming will mean distraction and loss of valuable time that could've been used for studying. For the second person, if he or she games more, that's just more experience for his or her gaming career, so it's a win for them. So you see, it totally depends what your likes, dislikes, values and principles in life are. And even if the person is pursuing a different goal than becoming a professional gamer or a professional beatboxer, like you mentioned, or a singer.. doing things even for fun can have value in it. Like you see many professional people in all areas of life, some of them will take up a hobby like an instrument, singing, beatboxing, gaming, sports, etc. Because we are human, not work-robots or money-making machines, in the end. Things can be valuable for different reasons. Sometimes just as raw and basic value like part of survival (you're gaming after a long day of work to ease stress, or else you'd go insane or even commit suicide, without something to calm you and take the stress away), other times as complex as providing value for society in various ways or leaving behind knowledge for the coming ages (for people spending hours a days on Quora, forums, blogs/vlogs, people making free courses, people who share their knowledge, people who volunteer as listeners to people in emotional crisis). Or taking walks in nature for your well-being. Or making art for therapeutic purposes, or just because you simply like it. There's no need to be always a serious reason behind the things you do. Things you enjoy doing are usually not a waste of time. It's helpful to know the deep reasons behind your actions if you want to hold yourself accountable and to not lose time on less important things when there needs to be more focus on the important ones. Most of the things you do will be survival related, but that's okay. It still helps to be conscious of them. And other times things you do will be for purely the sake of happiness it brings. High values are usually: responsibility, discipline, perfection, ambition, hard-work. But you can also find value in recreational activities and connection with others, that's why people sing, dance and create art without making money from it. If every time you beatboxed you had to do it for money, would it have the same value and meaning to you? Some things cannot be measured by money and they're still valuable. For example if you want a good relationship, you might invest money in it (relationship therapy, gifts, vacations, traveling, creating a home for you two), but the relationship itself doesn't have a monetary value. Your girlfriend won't have a price because she is not an object. And you cannot buy a relationship, it just doesn't work that way. Nor does the relationship bring money to you (or at least it shouldn't), yet you find value in going out on dates. Neither can you buy health. You can buy things to improve your health, but most things to maintain your health are free, like exercise and good sleep. You cannot buy sleep, you cannot buy health if you destroyed it with smoking or fast food. Health doesn't have a monetary price, yet it's very valuable, if not the most valuable thing. Health is not money, yet you pursue activities to maintain your health. You cannot buy reputation, yet it is valuable and you make actions to be viewed as a good person. You cannot buy talent, but it has value. Friends are not money, yet you may find value in friendship. And so on... Yes, you need a career and you need to make a living, but you cannot base your whole life on only pursuing money. Maybe you're in a phase of life when you are working towards a career and that's why now money and success is the most important thing. Being financially independent is a very fundamental thing and you should work towards it very early in life. Just don't neglect other things you find valuable either. Because you'll never be happy by only pursuing money and fame. And the best way to earn money is through your passions, but only if they are realistic. So I think pursuing your passions, working towards financial independence and hanging out with friends, having a relationship, etc. and hobbies are all worth pursuing. And things that are unrealistic, are bad to your reputation, or your health or are making you lazy are not worth pursuing.

Umm.. I feel I went a little bit off on this thread. This thread was initially for emotional mastery work and shadow work, along with moving up the spiral and perfecting the alpha character. However, as I grow I will have similar posts to my previous one to this. Eventually, as I finish integrating my shadow and move higher on the stages of the SD model I will open a different thread with a new name for my further growth. It feels very limiting to not be able to change the title, but it is fitting anyway.. ((maybe as a subtitle)) ...It's just some posts really go too far from the initial plan for this thread. This thread should be called: Contemplations on The Human Potential and All The Work That Goes Into Perfecting The Machine (Part 1) Subtitle - Intuitive Shadow Work + SD Work + Work Towards Emotional Mastery and The Alpha Personality I assume when I finish this, I will call my next thread 'Contemplations on The Human Potential and All The Work That Goes Into Perfecting The Machine (Part 2)' Subtitle - (((( Idk yet, whatever I will be working towards at that time.. )))) I'm just trying to keep my journals orderly, ok? I failed so much at keeping order in my journals, both physical and non-physical , in the past.. oooffff ;-;

I will first have to allow myself to be imperfect, however hard will that be. Only knowing I can be imperfect if I want to, if I allow it, only then will open possibilities to better myself towards perfection, never touching it, of course, just forever working towards it. The closer I am to it, the more things to consider, and it would be a smaller distance, but still similar to adding further decimals to a periodic fraction. It never touches the wholeness/perfection, but nevertheless it's bettering itself. Does that mean I'll always be missing something? Not if I allow myself to be imperfect. But yes, if I always want something more. So in a sense, I'm a whole, but I'm not the whole I want to be, similarly like a 5 is a mediocre whole, but not a 10, and add the "decimal theory" I just made up, and then it will be a 5,(33333+3.....*infinite times), maybe better each time, maybe transcending itself to be a 6 through a miracle, but with obvious limitations, even if a 10, but numbers don't stop at 10.. and there's always someone ahead of you, if not by the millions, not just one person you have to win against, but everyone in the game of life! That is how the materialist/hedonistic paradigm works. It's never enough, and never be! (More money+more power,+more status ) * infinite Equals?? .. The Rat-Race, of course! "No matter how far you get, you're still a rat." - some YouTube comment Now with that in mind, I will tackle the first question: When did I get to this point of this mess? And I'll answer with another question: Considering the above written thoughts and ideas, is all of this really a mess? If I allow myself to be imperfect, then.. Then I can do whatever and get wherever and it's still the right place to be! "Wherever you go, there you are." - maybe a zen proverb? I am.. somewhere. Because I tried getting somewhere else, but I got here. I am here because I got myself here. Why here and not somewhere else where I wanted to be? Because I didn't find out where I am in life in the first place, and didn't decide where I want to be. I just followed the "work harder and you'll get further" ideology. I didn't have a clear destination in mind. I was just going aimlessly somewhere, and I stopped here. I am here, in this mess, now, because I didn't plan. I got myself here unconsciously. So rethinking it.. wherever you go, go consciously, so when you are there, you know it's a desirable place to be in. When did I get to this point of this mess, again? When trying to get out of the mess. And HOW did I get to this point? By working blindly without a plan. So I failed? Yes. The enemy is not trying and failing, but not trying. Experience or success, either is good in its own way. There's no bad experience, only more expertise, knowledge. It's like a study of the maze.. you learn what it is and what it is not. How it works, and how it does not work. So you'll keep trying. The road till success will form the character. The success will tell you if you're on the right path and the failure will tell you to try harder, do better, and go elsewhere because it wasn't the right direction. Failure is feedback, not punishment. Failure is jumping to a random point, or skipping the next inevitable point thus that leading to undesirable consequences. Success, however small is it, is staying on the right, straight road to the ultimate prize. From A to B, from B to C.. and so on, till your desired destination. There will be multiple trials in everyone's lives, sometimes you go straight to success, but other times you get distracted and jump to different random points in life, or even work hard for months without a clear direction or a clear goal to get that that random place where you don't even want to be. Or maybe the goal is unrealistic or too idealistic. Or like me, you work hard and blindly and hope to get success but that means you go from nowhere to again, nowhere. That's where I am. The problem is that I didn't analyze the situation and didn't plan ahead. I just got responsibilities on myself because of the dreams I had, but I did not have a clear, step-by-step road planned out. I accepted too much responsibility, too many tasks, and I wasn't able to deliver everything. I exhausted myself. So the solution should be prioritizing some things, and then to take it slow. Ah, now I see what Saturn is trying to teach....Slow and steady wins the race. I will have to sum up my goals and the obstacles that prevent me from reaching it yet. The work to be done, the obstacles to work through. Step by step, slow. Working on each step, each little chunk. Planning the future. Planning 5-10-20 years ahead... These come to mind. And more.. can't think right now. The answers will come anyway when I'm ready to hear them. Maybe give myself some time to just relax and gain back my energy levels. Contemplate and meditate on it. Sleep on it. Think it through. Sleep some more. Relax. Till I need it, no time-frame. I will just rush it if I give myself x amount of time to gain back myself. I'm very frustrated with all the work that needs to be done. I think I will resume to careful study of the problems that lay ahead and planning for the next 2-3 months. I might do some work too, if I clear out obstacles creatively, but I will not be jumping to conclusions heroicly, like "Ah, I should study 10 hours of math every day for 7 months without a day off to be able to comprehend all!.." Nono.. I will plan, and then it will be easier, and faster. I will study the problem, then act on it. Math exam is just a problem. It's not my only problem. I have other plans too, and dreams, responsibilities, NEEDS (which is a huge one..), aspirations, obstacles to face..also limitations (another huge one), and many others I cannot come up with right now, cause I need to analyze the whole human life's structure for that. It's a lot, really... And every human has these things going on. Life is really complicated. And so much pressure on such a small human being. It would be good to teach this in school, about how this maze works, and how the human machine works and how to perfect it to fit the maze. But it's all brainwash. Nobody ever taught me these things. I had to meditate to gain the insights. And there seems to be more and more things to tackle each day, each waking hour. So much to consider... I'll really need about 5 years at least to figure these all out, but I'll give myself 2-3 months, maybe up till my 23th birthday to figure out the basic structure of the road of my success. After that I'll get to work on the most urgent things, mainly that are linked to my survival needs, so that I can stabilize myself financially at least a little to then work towards what is worth working towards. Now I see what Leo meant by people meditating for 40 years and still not getting to their highest potential! And I'm giving myself 5 years! I always took those remarks from him lightly, but... There will need to be much discipline. And I don't even know what that is yet that I want to work towards. All I know is that is beyond survival not related to the rat-race but something of higher elevation Both conclusions came from the meditation above. And the pat with survival, I just intuit it. I know, survival has to be maintained, so I exist??? lol?? so I can live to achieve whatever I will find worth achieving. Maybe im a lil confused about survival and all that it has to do with, I need to study it more deeply. Along with studying the maze, the human potential and the perfecting of the human machine. Yeah, I need some time to meditate and contemplate. And sleep on it, relax, sleep some more, work work work and think for long hours into the nights to come...

So for about almost a week I stopped my daily Saturn mantra practice and also stopped doing shadow work, I wasn't really thinking much about anything "spiritual" in nature. Except for grieving for God, or rather, grieving my belief in a God-figure. Would this be the next step towards Orange on the Spiral? This time I'm allowing this grief to unfold. Last time it wasn't so easy. ...I was barely 14. I lost belief in God and I cried a lot. I lost sleep, I lost my appetite, for food, and for life. Now at almost 23, finding myself in the same position, I prevail. I still cry before sleep, and cry in my silent hours in the night. I cry when no one sees me. Or rather, I shed a few silent tears. Life is in a great mess, in a great chaotic state. Too much pressure from all sides.. I envision my tasks and responsibilities revolving around my physical body as moons of a planet. They're not me, they're not ME, but they're OF me, I am responsible for all those tasks, or else my reputation breaks. Reputation as a steady-working artist, as a great speaker, author, critic.. or even that of a good child or that of an individual that's spiritual and orderly. When did it get to this point of this mess? How did I allow it? Why did I allow it? What did I allow exactly? What needs to be done? In what order? When is it all "DONE" (/perfection achieved)? I plan to continue integrating Hinduism into my belief system. I wonder how it will go with my current atheist views.. I got a book from a good friend when I was in times of spiritual crisis. Bless that man.. the book is great, I owe my friend at least to use the information for good, if not otherwise, then my own good for now. I didn't find time to read it. What takes up most of my time? What should take up most of my time? Why isn't it taking up most of my time if it should? What is important and urgent? What is urgent? What is unimportant? What is neither urgent nor important? (time management concept) How to find more time for reading? And how do I read effectively (read+integrate)? I still haven't figured out why my last boyfriend left me (ghosted without any explanation). I was a good girlfriend this time and I did my best. The only reason could be my past as a repeated cheater / player (I worked on myself since and I decided to be either faithful, or to announce anything that I have in mind in time, and so I did, I'm all good this time), or his parents not allowing him to be with me, and him not wanting to give explanation to me to not hurt my feelings (seems reasonable). So I was a good girlfriend the whole time. I didn't cheat, and his parents not liking me is not my problem (it is but it's not something I can deal with / out of my control). I did my best to be the perfect girl and to serve all his needs. I'm clean. I was a good person up till now, romantically speaking. For almost half a year, I played fair. I did do a pretty big mistake back in October (after the relationship ended). I still fought for what's mine, or what I believed was/is mine. For some reason I am attached to this special someone. Is it karmic? Most likely. Do I handle it well? I have to answer a few key points to find out.. Is being a lover a good idea? Does working on integrating my shadow side excuse me from being immoral at those times of working on myself/ finding myself / my own answers (assuming being a lover is immoral by society's terms)? Should one's sinister nature be lived out behind society's taboos, or even openly? Or repressed? Maybe finding a middle ground? (And will my answer to this question be my own opinion or what is expected for me to say (question reframed: survival of my identity as the light-/angel being vs. my voice/my truth)?) Am I still said person's lover, or was it a one-time misstep? (I need further information / clarification) Is fighting for what's "yours" an act of great love, or an act of blind attachment to a false promise? Not sure if being brutally honest publicly about my complicated amorous life will lessen my credibility in other areas. (It shouldn't.) I'm going through a phase where I'm just questioning if this is what reality is about, or if I sowed the seeds of a terribly karmic future. And that brings the ultimate question: Am I being led, or leading myself? If I were to lead myself autonomously, where should I lead this relation? (end things, come to terms with current realities, find common ground, or something else?.. what's the solution?) When I had one of my first relationships about 5 years ago, I was told that this is the nature of reality of modern adult romantic life. So does this make me a victim of that mentality, or am I a conscious maintainer of an ideology? Was it my choice, or was I dragged into this mentality? Where am I acting unconsciously? These are all questions and meditations on emotional maturity. There's no point for me to make things prettier than they are. And I'm trying to be as objective as I can be here. In ethics and moral questions one's emotions might not be the right compass. Higher truth seems to be in the mind, of the mind, or towards a rational conclusion, you name it. Emotions may lead one to his/her destruction in many different ways, if one puts greater weight on the love, the union, or even the little play between the individual and the loved one, however innocent I could make ADULTERY sound, for f*ck's sake!!. The obvious answer: cut off the relation. It's all a mess, just give it up. It's unhealthy, sad, risky, and plain weird. You don't need that now, of all times! Still, even while in the possession of the right answer, I will consider my questions for further meditation, as they're a great tool of self-knowledge. Further observation: emotions seem to be based on primary instincts. (Or is this just an Orange-ish assumption? Even if it is, does the assumption not have a kernel of truth? For me it seems obvious till this point) I'm an instinctual being, and up to this point I was being led by unconscious instincts and urges to satisfy a deeper need that CAN and SHOULD have SOLUTIONS OF A HIGHER GROUND ANALYSIS! Ffffuh yess, I found my answer, Finally. So the deeper a need is, the higher we go in trying to find a solution. Ugh, yess. How didn't I realize? So happy for the new clarity of mind. I think this is my best post on the thread so far. For being so brutally honest, but also for going in the greater depths of a shallow-seeming problem that usually gets narrow-minded answer. I really out-did myself in shadow work today.

Same thing with ugliness as with justice. If I see something I find ugly, I get an urge to destroy it, to attack it (to protect myself from it) Evolutionally, what we percieve as ugly actually can cause harm to us. Note to self: Learn to let go from protecting yourself all the time and embrace life, become strong in character and willpower. See through visual ugliness and reframe it into what it really is. Sometimes things really just... are.

I used to feel like I have a tick of intention.. not of body or thought.. I got a sudden uncontrollable intention to want to hurt loved ones or random people in general. I did not want to have these intentions/thoughts.. they came automatically and intrusively without me being able to control them at the moment. They obviously came from a deeper wound. And the deeper wound was injustice. I wanted to destroy injustice subconsciously, so my subconscious mind projected injustice on people that were close to me .. thus the sudden thoughts and images of wanting to hurt them. I, as a conscious self, don't want to hurt anyone. In fact I don't even want to hurt my enemies who would be deserving of it. Who am I to punish? Saturn is up there taking care! Besides.. I have no enemies ☺? When realising I only want the injustice gone, I can contenplate what injustice the person has done to me that I am not consciously aware of yet. When realising the problem, I can work on forgiving them and even working together with them on our friendship, or relationship, or relating or other type of issues. Currently my realization helps keep a calm mind. I don't consciously feel any injustice done to me right now, but I will try to introspect on the problem continually! ?

The fact that I can't seem to succeed at attracting my crush kinda bothers me. But I am working on improving my life so that I attract him. He is not easily impressed at all. He doesn't even reply to my messages. He is the embodiment of perfection for me. I do see his flaws but in my eyes even his flaws seem like beautiful traits. I love his hairstyle even if it's kinda ugly and thinning. He smells of pheromones and is always visibly horny (I know this from observing his mannerisms). I don't like that he is so ruthless with everyone, neither do I like his psychological manipulations, but I do realize that if that changed then it wouldn't be him.. it's part of his character, a character that I love. I could be the best person in the world and my crush still wouldn't like me. Maybe if I was prettier he would. But im stuck with a below average face and a mediocre body so how do I solve that? Once I confessed to him that I love him in the worst way possible and since then he ghosted me. That was 3 years ago. F*cc my life ? If someone can give me life advice on this topic, please do.

I will post my art business/freelance related things to my art career and daily artwork journal from now on. I have some notes from a while back I wanted to post So here they go.. "I'm worrying about my grandmother's health. She has problems with her spine but she keeps forcing her back, she keeps pushing herself to the limit. I don't like that mentality.. sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses. And at other times you need to know where to stop before you cripple yourself. ? I told her not to force her back. She keeps bouncing like a ball around the house. She might just break her neck. I have to take care of her. But she's unstoppable, I swear! I will have to clean the home behind her back or while she sleeps. For that I have to be awake at 5. I usually am awake by that time (I have an excellent sleep schedule w00t), and after practicing my mantras I could clean every part of the house. Yasss! Washing the halls. Disinfecting the doorknobs. Making order in the home.. folding clothes and washing dishes.. If I want to be an alpha personality, I also have to be a good leader. To become the head of the family. It's my duty in a sense, and my responsibily cause none others would do it. They are a mess. Currently grandma is the head of the family, because she's the eldest. She is not doing the best job, maybe not even doing a too good job, but the important thing is that she takes the responsibility to care for us. And I love her and care for her too. Actually I care for my entire family. ------------ My mom thinks she has to be a kind of messiah to humanity, a saint, a hero.. I mean wtf does she think she is. ??? She thinks she has to solve the world's problems. Fine mom, you can try.. But remember that currently you are not in that position ? I'm not judging my mom's good intentions but she has no idea about the world. Besides, her idea of saving the world is to indoctrinate everyone with a dogmatic low-vibe self-sacrificing point of view. But she also genuinely wants to contribute to society. I could help her with that.. buy a laptop or a tablet and browse the we together on it. ☺ Teaching her technology and politics.. I could do this.. --------------- I let go of my materialism and the need to possess wealth. That's a good step from the SD Orange need to own riches to the SD Green acceptance, minimalism and simplicity. Not like I'm rich or anything but I'd rather have something good and expensive than many things that are cheap. And if I had a lot of money I'd probably donate the most of it to causes.. --------------- My mom thinks she has to explain herself all the time or else she is misunderstood. She is very insecure about herself. I try to gently guide her to the realization that people don't misunderstand things so easily because things don't work the way she thinks they work, or the way she needs them to work. Life is infinitely complex and I would like to help her understand that fact so that she can solve her problems and have a better experience of life than she has now. ------------ I am kinda borderline narcissistic and I can't help it ..? I notice this often throughout my day and in my interactions. I have to be careful of my behavior.. ._. " ☺?☺?☺?

I started being more active on instagram today ^^ I'm trying to promote my shark designs. But I am also looking for inspiration. Oh, and I think I will only post non-character related art on actualized from now on... these designs belong to deviantart and instagram ._.

I do make lots of artworks I just didn't have time to post ? Here are some recent works.. (posting more later today) The character belongs to lunastarsub on toyhouse. The artwork below is drawn by me.

Some of my passions are art, singing, dancing and coaching/giving advice, speaking. I want to make all of these into my life purposes. I love so many things that it's literally difficult to choose what I like. Because everything has beauty in it. But I will choose 3 main.. Coaching/Active listening I like to help people out by either giving them advice or asking the right questions. I love psychology, and I always wanted to be a psychologist. Later on I found out that what I was wanting to do has more to do with coaching and entrepreneurial work and owning a business than with psychology. I actually volunteer on a listening website when I can and have the energy. Lately I only shared my knowledge on actualized. If I want to be a good coach I have to take myself seriously too. If I have to make people realize their problems and help them in solving them.. then it's out of question that I need to have at least a decent graded high school diploma. I mean I can't believe it's been 5 years almost since I finished school, and I still procrastinate. I really have to take this stuff seriously. I like mathematics, but there's a lot of work and it's boring to learn alone. But if I want something important, I am willing to sacrifice my time for it. And that's what I'm going to teach my clients too in the future, that sacrifies is key, in any form, time, money, fun... if you want the big cheese you're going to have to work for it in a disciplined way. I will try to make at least 3 math exercises every day. Speaking/Podcasting I am working on a podcast, but right now there is nothing finished about it, I'm just investing in myself to be the one people are going to listen to. It's going to turn out very well! I practice speaking in front of the laptop, I just didn't have time these days. I have a few decent recordings. I will try to speak more, I have to get used to speaking 1/2 - 1 hours every day. Then increase it up to 5 hours. Digital art I have to draw every day. At least 1 or 2 drawings. I won't beat myself up if I skip like a day or two, I just need a better work ethic and more discipline in my work. I will sell commissions, custom character designs, nsfw art (gore and nude art), and original characters. My art will have a neon aesthetic. I want to be a professional in that domain, but not only in art, I also am interested in the other two domains mentioned above. Singing and dancing are more like a hobby. I would really love to make a song covers YouTube channels though So in recap: To be a coach I have to first solve all my problems or most of my blocks in life that are preventing me to be better than my highest potential. To be a speaker I have to practice daily in front of a computer or mirror. To be a professional artist I have to make 1-5 very good to excellent artworks daily, consistently, persistently with no excuses, with my focus on details. Now let's get to work.

[Confused Tears] Made this on Monday just didn't have the time to post it.

I will not stop working on it when it's good enough. I stop when it's perfect. I want my family to be proud of me. Being a good child. I will do everything I have in my power to please them. But in the same time I will have to do it without letting them know I do it.. so in secret. Because my family has a history of over-praising me. I talked about my family history in my previous post. And yeah, don't get me wrong.. I like praise, but it's not what I strive for in the first place. I strive to be a good child to them and a decent human being in general. Today I cleaned the kitchen and I did it with much greater precision than they do. My family makes everything with perfect precision, but I have more perspicacity, so I can work more thoroughly. I will not tell them I did it. When they get home, I hope they notice. But I don't expect them to praise me, even if they will. And I know they will. When they praise me, I won't be overly narcissistic about it. I will thank them and then move on with my life and with whatever I have to do for the day. I have lots of work to do, so I won't let some praise allow me to procrastinate further, and how deserving I would be of the praise won't change the fact that I still have tons of work to do. Cleaning a kitchen is not a big accomplishment even if it looks much better now. Compared to what I want to accomplish it's nothing. An alpha person won't stop when things are good or even very good. The alpha will strive for utter perfection. Even if they don't observe, I am happy I could do great service to my family by cleaning and organizing the kitchen. It also looks aesthetically pleasing for the eyes, so it makes me feel more comfortable about being around. I still have a shitton of work to do for it to be in perfect condition, but am looking forward to see the outcome of my future work. ?

Last night I contemplated the nature of fear and what safety is. I came to some nice realizations. But during the beginning of the meditation I had some minor hallucinations. Maybe they weren't hallucinations, I'm just very sensitive to all sounds and light/shadows due to massive levels of energy coming in through my crown chakra. I took a high dose of medication, triple of what I normally have to take at night. I also ate myself sick. I did these because I felt like my third eye was opening to dangerous levels I was not ready for yet. I started sensing and seeing spirits and they very soo beautiful and cool but also eerie and slightly sinister. I couldn't take seeing them yet.. After being overly full and after the minor medicine intoxication my kundalini energy went to the third chakra, and I intuitively knew this would happen that's why I poisoned myself and made myself sick. (!!!!These kinds of solutions come fronexperience with directing the kundalini energy, I don't recommend you do the same unless you know what you are doing!!) So now my energies had "work" to do in the belly area and had to fight he intoxication. I calmed down, got a sense of grounding. I talked with one of my family members to stay with me until I fall asleep. I needed company because I was unstabilized at the moment from the kundalini movements in the body and the sudden third eye awakening. I was awake for more than 30 hours and also doing serious shadow work. Beside that I drank coffee like mad for days now.. I'm addicted to caffeine and probably should work on developing my energy level stabilization processes, but right now I'm good with coffee.. I couldn't sleep because I have too much on my mind. But I also couldn't sleep because I have tons of motivation to solve those problems. So I am meditating and listening to mantras at night and working on becoming financially independent at daytime. So far it's going well. I just get all these weird effects of not sleeping enough. Medication can help me. Not sure if I can replace sleep with meditation but I'll try? I can't sleep sometimes not only because my energy levels, but also because I am uncomfortable in the dark. Not necessarily scared of the dark it's just uncomfortable for my physiology.

I recommend people not to share their too personal stuff in their journals because that can lead to regrets later (everyone can see these on the internet). I also not recommend sharing business ideas because that can lead to others stealing it. (But business related tips and tricks benefit many, and it isn't a bad idea to share that type of business information in these threads.) I only share more personal, dramatic information because I want people in the same boat or similar situations to see that it's possible to recover from any toxic or weird situation. You're not alone guys.. I go through the whole process of my shadow work so others can learn. Besides I have nothing to hide. I am an open person, and I cannot be hurt, I'm already too stable for that. But if anyone tries to hurt me based on these informations, they are only hurting themselves because we are all One. And since we are all One, I am hurting my own self through them. But Me, The One, wouldn't do such thing because I don't deserve it. The Big I is infinitely intelligent and it only "punishes" people to give them a life lesson to heal their karma. So in case I might deserve such punshment from Life, bring it on. I accept it. ?

Neon Aura (satyr) Cosmic Yellow (punk girl) I love these character designs I made! I will keep them around for a while then sell them. I'm especially attached to Neon Aura. They don't have names or stories yet. But the satyr is half ram and half deer. uwu

I was about to continue, but in a different post. I was writing that post you replied to for 2 hours, and the post before that for 1 hour. Probably going to write this for 3 haha I'll see what I can do .. I needed some time to regenerate my creative flow. Besides, I'm also working on myself. If you go to the journals section of the forum I have a journal for emotional mastery and how I'm working on my behavioral/character flaws and my wounds. Also integration of the SD model and shadow work ( which I do by analyzing trauma + embracing the sinister within). If you ever decide to take a look, which I don't expect, but if you do please ignore the first page of posts, they don't really have value. I wrote that during psychosis and when I was mentally unstable yet. My mind was very scattered back then. Also I'm very glad you enjoyed my writings, I was honestly a bit worried it wouldn't resonate. I will also come back to my posts on this because these are things I also work on currently. And also for the posts of other people on the thread, of course. I think this is overall a very good thread, quite introspective. I agree, you should finish college. What I'm thinking would help is watching motivational videos about studying. I found a few good ones on Youtube, there's a channel called Elon Project, or something like that if I remembered correctly. You have to go through the obstacle of feeling that studying is tiring, boring, hard and useless. Studing is tiring: Why is studying tiring for you? Is studying tiring only for you or also for other people? What could make studying easier? Why do you get tired, what is that aspect in studying that makes you tired instead of wanting to study 10 times as hard? (because some people simply enjoy studying more than anything, understanding stuff.. even Leo thinks understanding is the meaning of life!) Why is studying making you tired instead of even more hyperactive and excited by every little progress you make? Studying should make you curious. The more you know the more you realize how little you know. The more knowledgeable you are the more you realize how much more there is to know. A door opens to a room, there are two more doors to open in that room. You open one of the two doors and you get greeted by 4 ore doors. That's how knowledge works. You have to work on your curiosity and desire to know. But for that you need a reason. Why would you want to know anything? Or why would you want to know a specific niche of knowledge? What interests you and why? What kind of knowledge would you like to gain? Studying is boring: Depends on what you study. What could you study that is not boring? Studying is hard: That's the beauty of it. If it was easy, you wouldn't learn anything. In hinduism they teach that life is hard and unfavorable because we have to go to challenges to learn. Then we can achieve transcendence etc. I could talk about more interesting hindu concepts, but I'm very tired and I have some work to finish. Study is useless: Study useful things, then studying won't be useless. And yeah I actually started this post more than 3 hours ago I just got busy with my art. Will add more replies later . Will follow the thread!

How I became the "human trash" of society: uncovering past traumas and a flawed upbringing During my upbringing I was always made to feel like I am someone special who doesn't need to work as hard as others do. This came from the fact that my parents actually believed I was specially gifted, and also the belief that since I am their child, and that means I am the most important thing to them, I will or should be be the most important for society and in other people's eyes. This made them never check up on me because they were so sure I was doing well. Even if I was lazy and did nothing, my parents didn't check up on me and how do I finish my homework. Sometimes I believe that growing up through communism they weren't aware of the fact that this materialism-oriented capitalist world has different expectations from its individuals then it had back then, so I won't be automatically taken care of by society if I somehow fail at life. This made them not teach me how to live in the real world. Because they didn't know how either. They're all retired, so they had money all the time. They provided to me all my needs, not thinking about the fact that I'll have to work someday. They never taught me that as an adult I will have to work, and that to work I have to have a diploma or the knowledge to survive in capitalism. They didn't know how to survive in capitalism either because my grandparents grew up in communism, so they didn't have any information or experience about the modern world. Mainly because they are so conservative that they don't interact with others outside the family. And that taught me in the early childhood years that making friends is "bad". So I didn't have any information either because I had no friends. I only had my small 4 member family, who didn't teach me anything about being responsible, spoiled me, never taught me to even make a meal for myself, never taught me to clean my room often, in the early years I didn't even know how to dress up alone or even tie my shoelaces (!!!), and they didn't teach me basic manners. And since I was without any friends, I didn't learn social skills either. I was a very neglected child. I remember my family watched television everyday after they finished doing house chores. The second generation of my family (parents) is and was always unemployed, the one born through communism.. The first generation (grandparents) had great success in life and expected the same from the second generation, or their children. I don't know why the second generation failed to achieve success. My uncle had great academic success but couldn't apply it to the real world. He was too comfortable and chose comfort continually. He claims he has a mental illness, but I simply believe he is reckless and immature, also irresponsible. But also fails to take care of himself and can not survive in the real world. That's not a mental illness, but serious character flaws. It does appear like mental illness though. So in a sense he deserves to be retired, but it's also a choice. Because if he wanted he could have great success. But he didn't have it. Maybe he didn't know how. Or had no motivation. Or didn't think it was possible for him.. But he gave me advice in my early years and during my teens. I thought the advice was good, but it was coming from someone who had a very unsuccessful past. His advice only made me weak and handicapped like him. For example, I'm physically healthy, more than healthy!, but he convinced me that I should never have a child because I will never be able to take care of him, abortion is traumatic, and poor child will be born handicapped if I decide to get pregnant. And he gave me a lot of advice that were about avoiding things. So that was one of the starting points that led me believe that there is something wrong with me as a person. That I'm somehow unhealthy, and I should avoid things that other normal humans do because I'm not like them, I'm just a handicap, a freak. So I became avoidant. I avoided tasks that needed responsibility because I believed I am not able to work them through. Or that I am not deserving to such "high" tasks, that I'm a lower human, a trash, so I should stay away from important tasks because I will only delay the progress of the community. Or that I'm not allowed to do things that are actually healthy and normal, so I avoided a lot of social activities because of that. And after some time people really treated me that way, and I really became a trash of society. Later on I made good friends that awakened me that I am more than normal. And recently I realized others are not better than me, or more healthy or normal than me. Actually most people came from worse pasts than me, had less talents, less intellect and problem-solving skills... yet they lived a healthier and happier life than me. We are all unique, with some strengths and weaknesses. And some of the weaknesses I was led to believe about myself weren't even true. Sometimes the opposite was true. Mom married, so she had the comforts of being financially provided. No one expected her to provide financially for herself. No one ever had expectations of her, of any sorts. But anyway.. She had me, the marriage got ruined for whatever reason, maybe physical and emotional abuse from my dad's part. I don't know, they never talk about it. So she divorced and licked her wounds for almost 20 years. But life goes on and in capitalist society no one cares if you have had problems of the sorts, you're just viewed as a handicap if you cannot find a job or maintain yourself. So she lives in the role of the mentally handicapped person. She didn't teach me anything about life. She is too self-absorbed. So what's my point with talking bad about my family members, you ask? I'm just analyzing the situation with a critical mind so I can get to the next point. I don't mean to sound like I hate them, I'm just being as objective as possible, or else I couldn't be radically honest. Some truths are ugly, even if it's about our loved ones. We have to recognize toxic behavior without bullshitting ourselves or minimizing the seriousness of the problem. So how did I become irresponsible about my life? I wasn't taught basic self-maintenance and survival stuff from an early age and I was spoiled I had no friends in my early years from whom I could've learned how to survive in the real world, besides, as a teen, all your needs get taken care of Family being retired and having no experience in capitalism could never teach me about the realities of living in the modern world My uncle made me believe I'm a futile trash. (indirectly of course) My mom still lives in the role of the big child, so she never taught me anything useful. She kinda neglected me actually, and I never got motherly advice about how to be a real woman. Both unemployed since ever, and retired, so never had to worry about financial issues, thus, they couldn't teach me how to make money myself. Or how to get a job. Because they had no experience in the modern world. My grandparents lived through communism, they had no information about how to live in capitalism, because when the country became capitalist they were retired already. So they couldn't teach me about the realities of capitalism either. But they didn't teach my mom either. All of them are living in an isolated way, because they have an ideology that everyone that is not a family member is a "stranger". Maybe that's a communist value? Or a Christian one? Or just a bad family-level trait? We have no family-friends, and acquaintances are kept at a distance, probably because they are ashamed of having no success in society. They think everyone is a stranger forever (unless they have the same kind of problems of course). So me not being exposed to many adult people early, and this way not having something to learn from or someone as a mentor that is also a healthy adult, I became unable to function in society. I couldn't learn it because there was nohow. The internet doesn't always talk about these things.. or maybe I wasn't even interested in the first place. Because I was taught that if I get a diploma, then I get accepted to university (false! you don't get accepted to university with a high school diploma only, you need to first apply to the university and take a test, which I didn't know in my teens! no one told me, because everyone knew, it was natural.. but I had no friends, so no one talked to me about it), and with the university diploma I automatically get a job (again false, you don't necessarily get a job, and if you get one, it might not even be in that domain! but nobody told me about this!). Nobody in my family knows anything about capitalism or the stage Orange society we live in. They're stuck at a conservative stage Blue. They never taught me anything about money, finances, jobs, relationships, sex, status, work ethic, success principles.. nothing that's a stage Orange value! I only in the recent years became aware of the importance of Orange values and integrating stage Orange. And this was by seeing my friends evolve and have success out there. I was lucky to have made friends that were actually hard-working and trust-worthy. I also had a 4 year relationship that taught me a loooot. Of course it was toxic from both parts so we had to end it.. but I was very lucky. And now I'm working on stage Orange integration. It's a bit late for it, I'm already in my early twenties and I have no real success in the real world. This will be a long road...

I dropped my expectations from my parents. In fact, I have no expectations from anybody other than myself. And that feels more healthy. I didn't even talk with them. I guess I'll just act more maturely until they realize I am an adult. Yes, I'm angry of some parenting mistakes they've made, but now as an adult it's my responsibility to correct my behavioral flaws. So I'll work towards that.

I find it very exciting to study Hinduism! I want to learn everything about it! Maybe even join an ashram .. But relating to the SD model, Hinduism is about stage Purple. I'm sure there are stage Blue and Green Hindus too.. stage Blue would be ideal while following Hindu religion. It's what people in the higher statuses are in India, like those working in the media or in the government. Do I need to also study politics to be at a stage Blue spirituality? Stage Green when manifesting in Hinduism is all about young women wearing yoga pants and having a spiritual ego. Not always though! Stage Green is all about connection, groups, learning, etc. There are great Quora groups to learn from! Stage Turquoise Hinduism would be about universal/cosmic knowledge. Coral would be about implementing it. At some point I would need to join an ashram. I found one in Romania and one in Germany that I am interested in. The one in Romania is based on some universal religion or sect or idk. They have great books available for free to study before you join them. The one in Germany I only looked at photos, they seem more friendly and are based on Hinduism. I will have to work really hard to be both spiritually and financially ready for such living. Joining an ashram is one of my motivations to become financially independent.

Some shadow-work relating my Christian past, and an apology for people whom I might have offended with my recent posts on the thread. I'm sorry if sometimes I sound hostile about Christianity. I'm sure there are great Christians out there doing great work. I realize in the end that hatred and dismissal towards it only creates more hatred and dismissal in society, and those are not values I promote as I try to be more loving, kinder and accepting each day. I used to be a Christian and I followed the faith very thoroughly and was a decent human being, so I believe most Christians are the same, if not better. Maybe working with opposing forces should not be my objective. Yes, might be interesting, might uncover some historical truths, but that's not the main reason people follow Christianity. Also for me, being right is less important than being kind and welcoming. I try to be right, I love truth, but at what cost? I'd rather just keep to myself than offend others. There is a nice quote in the Bible I actually like. Beautiful teaching. There is indeed a time for everything. There is a time for truth, and there is a time to be silent. It might not be the right time and place to talk about the experiences I went through while working with opposing forces. And there is wickedness in judgement. I guess I was wrong about some things. I was thinking in way too simplistic terms about Christianity. I just had a moment of sadness about what some Christian people do. But then I realized, people of all religions can do wicked things. There is no reason to attack a religion that has had so many good benefits in society. Sure, there were mistakes, it has ugly things in its history. but it has a beautiful "heart", the heart of the religion being Jesus. What a great teacher he was...

@AlphaAbundance Why do you think you have to work at Pizza Hut if you don't want to work at Pizza Hut? You have almost unlimited potential, we all do to some extent, some more than others. Why would you throw your life away to work at Pizza Hut? You only have to work at Pizza Hut if that's your life purpose. I think this way of thinking (having to work at a fast food shop and climbing the corporate ladder until there's enough money for retirement) comes from following a carved out road, the safe road. Most people follow a carved out road, the same road everyone takes. Leo talks about this in his episode "Life is a Maze" and "Life Advice for Young People Pt. 1". Also in "27 Qualities of All Successful People", if I'm not mistaken. The concept he talks about is that if you follow the road most people do you will end up where most people do. And actually yes, you're not alone in your depression. Most people are trapped in their meaningless jobs and unhealthy relationships. It's not something rare. I find that depression is a lack of meaning. You asked what meaning is. I'll try to explain the way I see it. Life is basically meaningless, so I won't try to convince you that it means this or that. We give meaning to things ourselves. Things are devoid of meaning, and meaning is purely fictional. By fictional I don't mean non-existent, it's just intangible and very flexible. Infinitely flexible. This means you have an infinite ground to give meaning to anything. You can give infinite meaning to things, and there are infinite things. By realizing this you unlock infinite creativity. Life is infinitely creative, you just have to tap into this ability. And your creative abilities decide the quality of your life. Meaning is whatever you find important and worthwhile to pursue. If anyone tells you life means this or life means that, you don't have to believe them. What they are saying is what is meaningful to them, but life may mean something else to you. You made yourself believe that life means work and struggle, but you can change that and believe the opposite or something entirely different, This is what I meant by 'meaning is fictional'. You invented a meaning, that life is work. But life can be anything. You think life means work and struggle because you need food to survive and you need money for food, and to buy food you have to work, and to work you need to be an ideal employee, and for that you need to work on yourself, your character, your looks etc., you need to fit into society and all that stuff. I could continue forever, depending on what your wants and needs are. But remember that work and survival are only a part of life, not the entirety of life, not what life is about and not always what keeps life going on. If you think about it, some people don't have to work because they inherit riches, and can buy food and pay the bills for their whole life, and even pursue what they like. This option is not available for 99% of people, but there are other options. Like some people make their food by creating a farm and taking care of the animals and producing vegetables/fruit. Maybe after they become rich from their farming, they can sit back, they hire people to produce their food on the farm, and food and other goods come to them without them having to work. So they just do what they like. Or if you learn coding you can create a program for yourself that automates your work (if it's artificial intelligence then even better!), then you can achieve in 1 minute what others achieve collectively in 50,000 hours. Imagine the value you get from that! Not necessarily money, but the value the program produces.. And these are just two ways to achieve freedom from consciously worrying about your need. I think you can find ways like these with any job or career, not just farming or AI programming. These two are just something that came to mind right now, I could think of ways other passions and hobbies bring freedom, but then this post would be too long haha. What's your passion, by the way? Btw for me it seems that you are a very humble person. That's a great trait to have. You simply want to live a happy life without any struggle and without having to do anything to achieve that. You believe it's everyone's birthright to be given everything without the need to constantly struggle to survive. You want to be left alone by all the people who try to enslave you for their benefit, you see through the Matrix and its limitations that it puts on you. You recognize the cycles of "eat, sleep, work, repeat" and "eat to work and work to eat". I think it's a great first step, having all this knowledge. It's a sort of awakening. Like people talk about enlightenment and they think it's something very far out there or "spiritual', but no. Really, what enlightenment and/or awakenings are is seeing through the maze of life, seeing the little (or big) truths of living. Which are not always pleasant, can be depressing.. or maybe depressing isn't the right word. They're definitely sobering though. Then there's the concept of solving the maze. Which means mastering it, studying it, finding your passion and place in the world, or just achieving anything you want, in this case a freedom from suffering and struggle.. (hint: the maze is life). Do you have to work for it? Yes, maybe. But how much effort it takes depends on your levels of creativity. It's not always about re-framing. Sometimes it's about practice, past experience, etc.. but re-framing has a huge role. Maybe you heard about Joe Dispenza. He has a great book called 'You Are Placebo.' You should read it to see how re-framing can do miracles. It's about how people healed themselves with their mind, of cancer, of arthritis, everything. Hecc, there are millions of binaural beats and quantum medicine tracks on YouTube to heal from every illness and they seem to heal people. We are living the future right now, and discovering our mind's abilities that have been taught in scriptures for thousands years! You can do math easily if you practice for a longer period of time. Same with running. So it's experience+practice for those two. Some people don't get hurt by stabbing, there is a practice for example in I think Tibet? or some other Asian country, about controlling the iron in the body with your mind, so that you don't get stabbed. Same can be achieved by reciting the Shani beej mantra 10 millions of times. Maybe I went too far haha... you can be hypnotized to not feel pain and if someone stabs you while in hypnosis you might not feel anything. You can train yourself to be hyper-alert, so if someone tries to stab you, you just hit them hard before they even try (my point: why is there a need to be stabbed?..there's always option B, C, D...). I have a friend who can't eat burritos, he said he vomited once when he ate it. He just can't stand it. Yeah, I don't know how, he just doesn't like some of the ingredients. Past experience maybe (body-memory, subconscious disgust, association with something). He could re-frame that by convincing himself the burrito is good. *shrug* Interesting answers, thanks for sharing! I would reply to all of the answers but this post is getting quite long so ima end it here... ;P

You don't need to please your parents by talking about what they like. You can freely talk about what you like too. Just do it in a non-aggressive way. If your parents only and only talk about satisfying immediate needs and entertainment, you can show them ways to the higher needs in an entertaining way. Have the Maslow hierarchy in your mind. Your parents are probably at the lower stages. Think about ways to bring knowledge to them about higher possibilities. But don't actually show the hierarchy of needs lol. Just use it in your mind. For example there are hundreds of thousands of different kind of youtubers, talking about so many great topics. They each have a style. Maybe you find a style that may resonate with them, and show it to them. Or show them self help videos that are entertaining or funny. Basic self-help that people with lower kind of needs watch. Remember that you cannot change your parents. And you cannot force them to do what you want them to do. You mention they won't eat like you do. I mean, it's their body so it's their choice. Yes, I understand that you want to help them, but for that they need to want to get helped. But they seem to not care about these things. Maybe they don't need your help. Think about that for a minute. But what you can do is make them understand you. You could share documentaries with them about the cruel way food producers produce food. Research the topic thoroughly. Have good points that also resonate with them and their views. And again, remember that change will happen when they want it to happen. Because they have their own life, their own views. Respect their views, even if their views on life are total bs. Try to enlighten, rather than ignite change. The knowledge you give them should ignite change on its own, but you don't have to change them. It is NOT your responsibility to save them. They have to save themselves. Everyone has to work out their own salvation. Take care not to turn your desire for change and desire for a good life into a need to manipulate others into your way of living. You are an individual, and they are too, they are not less than you just because they don't follow modern views on nutrition or lifestyle. Don't try to manipulate them into believing in what you believe. Don't try to manipulate them at all. Let go of the need to manipulate. You can enlighten, but change is up to them. You said you are a teenager, so you depend on them financially. Ask yourself: Do I want to change my parents to better suit my needs, or for them to provide better care for me?... I know this is an ugly question, but you really need to make a difference between wanting to help a human for them to have a better life (selfless help), and wanting to help a human so they can with the help of the new information help you better (ego). If you ever try to help your parents, do it so they have a chance for a better life, do it for enlightening them, do it for the animals in the food industry, but never do it to just feel better about your life. Soon you'll be on your own anyway, and then it won't matter what your parents think or the way they live. Because you'll have your own life. Focus on your own life too not just on changing others for your needs. Become independent financially if you want better options for socializing and groups with similar interests. Most people who can provide you value are already financially independent, so you should work towards that too.

What you describe sounds like depression. A while ago I had the exact same questions in my mind and the exact same points you had. It really surprises me that others are thinking this way too. And now I realize that's what the Buddha said about "Life is suffering".. interesting. However I let go of this way of thinking. How? Why? Because I realized it's just a perspective. So the solution is to change your perspective. You basically talk about how hard it is to keep yourself alive. What you describe is a set of beliefs. Living is hard. Living is unenjoyable. Living is 60% chores and 40% fun. (or maybe you're thinking 90% and 10%, or 50% / 50%) Living is about either satisfying needs or dying. If you work for someone you are a slave. It helps asking the right questions to get to the bottom of why you are suffering. Why is living hard? What makes living hard? When is living not hard? How to make the hard parts of living easy in a creative way? Is there a shortcut to things? Do I only want to do easy things? Why am I not enjoying life? What are the parts of life I am not enjoying? Why? What would make me enjoy them? Can I make them enjoyable? Why am I not allowing myself to be happy? What's keeping me from being happy? What makes me happy in life? Can I find happiness in doing chores? Can thinking of the the end result of the work I do or chores I finish motivate me to do them? What is the point of the work I do? Am I not motivated because I don't find meaning in the end result of my work? What is meaning? What do I find meaningful? Is meaningful work always fun? Are the fruits of my effort sweet or bitter? Is my goal in life to always have fun and only do enjoyable things? Why? Is there anything else to life than satisfying needs? What are the steps I need to take to the point where I don't need to consciously take care of satisfying my needs? Am I a slave or am I a work partner? Is the work I do benefiting someone or me in a meaningful way, or am I just working towards a cause that I disagree with or don't find meaning in? You don't need to answer these questions to me, it's just something to meditate on. I hope in the end you find meaning in life and all the suffering it causes. I genuinely want to help.