lmfao
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Everything posted by lmfao
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@Red-White-Light I mostly understand you to be honest. On the other hand. In regards to point 1, I think that an incel like myself who stays indoors all day will probably grow from it. Compared to let's say, complete abstinence, residual bitterness and insecurities. So I think getting laid a few times will probably be good (not speaking from direct experience lmao) But like you I really don't care about something like marriage or a long term relationship either. It just doesn't cross my mind much, maybe I'll change in the future, who knows. Part of the thing is that I use porn and cooming to fill some void for intimacy. But on the other hand, masturbating to porn is a grey area where its partially an addiction, but also just partially normal horniness. My incentive for getting off of it temporarily would be if my dopamine systems get refreshed, idk. Would have to commit to some suffering and challenge to find out, very difficult to this sort of nofap thing in a conscious way. ----- Also, @Red-White-Light, what's the meaning of your pfp lmao ? Is it a nofapper desperately trying to stop cooming? Or is it inspired from Leo's "look at your hand" exercises? Which is it
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lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
I haven't even gone into the more straight forward obvious angle, about how a notion like karma will hold you back from deconstructing causality and time. And how it's often just an added belief system and rationalisation. Perhaps there's some relativistic use to it and poetic flair but I personally am done with it. -
So an update on the situation. After talking to this guy who I posted about, I felt a lot better in some ways within a week in the aftermath. I'm not completely over it, but I said everything I wanted to say honestly, got as much as a response as I could, and so senses of regret were let go of. And now it's me to decide how I feel A quote from my first message to explain things The main person I held feelings of resentment towards, the same person who I talked to, was the "1st server owner" as I referred to in my post. I still haven't talked to the 2nd server owner and I've been putting it off. I think he's more compassionate/open than the first guy. I've just been putting it off though with random avoidance of thinking about it or denial or thinking I'm done. I think it's a sneaky defence of my ego, using the fact that I already did some work on this as a place-holder/(dummy symbol) justification . However I feel fear, and hence I will do it.
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@mandyjw Damn, intense story and awakening. It's when letting go of trauma like this that love can feel like death hahahah, interesting.
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@Mu_ Very good advice
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@tsuki Yeah, the distinction you made between anger and hate there was a good one. Anger can be about honesty/accuracy with yourself about feeling vulnerable and hurt. Hate often involving self denial about why you feel the way you do. Lol, my thigh was twitching a lot whilst writing that. Right, I can still get closure.
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@Raphael I would have posted it, but it would not make much sense to someone who wasn't there or to someone who doesn't know the people involved. Yeah
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Back in July I made the commitment to start tapering off. I was struck with inspiration when I felt a dimension of emotion I hadn't felt for a long time, by listening to a nostalgic piece of music for the first time in a while. I've been going off sertraline/zoloft extremely slowly. Was initially 100mg but now 25mg. I've felt better in a few ways from going off, but the emotional blunting overall is still here. But it's also been difficult, like I'm on a treadmill. Running to stay stationary, as I slowly have less and less of this drug as a crutch. It feels like I've been in this flat emotional state forever, due to whatever filters on my consciousness distort my perception of time. But that's the nature of various illnesses and mental ailments, you get the perception they will last forever, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just very sick and tired of flat affect, so I'm probs gonna speed up my tapering off. Being cold turkey 2 weeks from now. In the back of my mind is a seed of doubt about whether antidepressants (which I've been on for 3 years since I was 17 and joined the forum) are causing emotional blunting or if it's just me. I feel fairly confident in saying that they did cause it, but since I've been in a slightly weird state of consciousness, slightly dazed and dissociated, disconnected from my past, my brain is just foggy and I can't judge.
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lmfao replied to Scholar's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@Scholar go zen mode, habibi. I haven't watched any of Leo's videos for a while, go on your own path. -
Friday 04/12/2020, 02:36 I may have been compulsive in my actions today, but it's interesting what state I've been in. I woke up feeling super foggy and dissociated. But I also sense a super sense of concentration. And I may have behaved compulsively today a lot with my addictions as I do normally, but just pausing and watching myself, I feel different. A bit more relaxing and space-like. Maybe it's because I started kriya yoga again, but its also my SSRI withdrawal. Time to keep at it, it might be promising despite the multiple deadlines and stressors in my life rn. Thinking a lot about uni work, as well as the funeral for one of my best friends coming up. I might be anxious, be worried, be in pain, be distracted, but I feel a deep sense of excitement and ease anyway. My vibe and feeling is perfectly described this track. Just so relaxing and space like, but also alien and extraterrestrial with the unknown
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lmfao replied to Adamq8's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
I'm not attached to this "God" thing at, but I don't see how people like this Frank Yang guy so much. He doesn't seem to say anything which actually guides you to higher places, all he does is state how he thinks things are. Whenever I start these videos of his that you guys post, I just lose attention. Even if he's talking from direct experience, I'm not sure what you're supposed to be learning from him, or what difference what he says is supposed to make. I'm not learning a new way of seeing, just someone talking a lot. -
@Enlightenment Nah, I'm still coming off SSRI right now. One day inshallah I'll take when I'm more stable and off these things. I'll be trying to use them slowly for therapy and shadow work rather than like spirituality or going extreme with it to understand non-duality. Did you get off SSRI's? Did the emotional blunting go away?
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@Keyhole Maybe "complex PTSD" ,aka gradual trauma, if you count that. Constant internal issues with my environment that built up, and when you're a young kid with autistic traits it's difficult to communicate how you're feeling to those around you, even if they have the best intentions. My parents are immigrants who grew up in very different circumstances to me, so there's a clash in communication. I was surrounded by very heavy dogmatic stage blue things growing up, but also hyper competitive stage orange.
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@soos_mite_ah I started taking SSRI's a several weeks before I joined the forum. It was only around that time I learnt about all this theory and new self-help and spirituality world. So I can't tell you really how it changed self-help for me. I can talk about how some of the effects they've had on me, which I can roughly judge due to fluctuations in my medications (because if I took the same dosage all the time, it would be a constant). There was a period of time I ran out of meds and didnt take any for a month as well. Edit: this is random, I don't know if it's worth noting or not, but I discovered meditation a few months before starting SSRI's. And I got mystical experiences straight away, and later I struggled to get them as much casually (I've been casual this entire time with it) -- *But despite that, drawing arrows of causation is difficult. It's a lot easier and lot more accurate to talk about a bunch of external correlates which go together, it's a lot harder to say what exactly caused what. You get into chicken and the egg circles. -- I was on citalopram before I moved onto Zoloft. Citalopram eventually started to feel weird and emotionally blunting, not working much, so I moved onto Zoloft. When I was on Zoloft, it felt good for a few months. But then it stopped giving many positive benefits, and the bad things crept up. Zoloft did more damage to me than citalopram. So it's idiosyncratic to the person. Certain emotions and dimensions of emotions are rarely experienced by me anymore ( * caveat with what I wrote above, but I'm fairly confident in attributing causation here). The rare moment I got a taste of that emotion again, it sparked inspiration in me to start coming off anti depressants. Today I started feeling withdrawal symptoms of recently decreasing dosage again
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Yeah, that sounds similar to how I get it. Seems like you're on a different phase of the journey with them, since I'm almost off them now after a long time on them. And you're just starting, I wish you luck. Although maybe you've been on other antidepressants before, and it isn't you being new to them. Just be weary of using it for years on end. I wouldn't want to project my shit onto someone else, so ignore what I say if that's so best for you. But I'd tell anyone using antidepressants to be careful if they end up using them for a long time. Iirc, doctors like to get people on a course for at least 6 months, which is a long time. Zoloft has a low half life, and low half life drugs are the most rough to come off of. You have to taper off very carefully and slowly.
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^^this. Its a very weird experience, I ended up getting scared and quitting nofap midway. Maybe next time I do nofap I'll push through
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@Swarnim porn is a grey area for me. Its safe for me to say I'm addicted to it, but on the other hand, some degree of it is just nature. I've had a few, few week streaks of nofap in the past. I can definitely feel the testosterone peak after a week (but after that it drops). -- I feel as though I've accidentally let porn hijack my sexuality a little bit. Since I discovered it when I was 12, and have had no relationships otherwise, I think it can distort things (but to be fair, I was also horny when I was as young as 5 or 6, but that's an irrelevant tangent. I swear, I wasn't sexually abused though ). But I don't think it's too much programming to undo. So I'd say to anyone young to not let it influence them too much, but on the other hand, you don't need to wage war on it. Its not a moral thing, shouldn't be guilt or shame. Moderation is key with this sort of thing. Maybe if you're more saintly than me you can do nofap properly and use it transcend yourself. Just don't put expectations on the idea that abstaining from masturbating or porn alone will fix all your problems, it's just one puzzle piece, and if you want to make it transformative you have to do it consciously. Every human is different, but I'm not sure how practical or viable it is to transcend sexual urges consciously. It's a very strong drive. But hey, maybe I'm just in denial about my own compulsions and addictions. Maybe you can make it a goal to only release your sexual urges in real life with a partner or something, up to you. --- If you decide to keep watching porn. If you ever get to the point your dick is getting number, your tastes are escalating, be careful I say. It will happen, but don't let it get out of control.
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Thursday 03/12/2020, 01:16 Woke up at 13:40. Spent an hour in bed. Ate a cucumber. Spent 1-2 hours blowing up balloons and setting up things for a surprise birthday party. Did Kriya Yoga. Afterwards, brain became quieter. But brain felt slightly perturbed. Spent an hour doing research for my university homework. Ate a grilled chicken burger + chips for dinner. Birthday celebration for a few hours. Then I played cards with the family later. Pissed away time on youtube, also spent too much time on this site today. It's late now. I'm probs gonna drink a shit load of water. Do some more uni work. Maybe practice speed reading. Maybe meditate again before I sleep, I need to get in the habit of it again. Try to get up earlier tomorrow. I've already reduced my SSRI dose of 25mg into 2 or 3 day gaps, I don't feel any withdrawal yet.
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@The_AlchemistI've started a lot of books I haven't finished. Looking at my bookshelf right now. About 21 spirituality and self-help books. Having read some of them completely, some of them half way, some just a quarter. A few I've read even less than that. Some of the books on Leo's list are one of a kind. Leo's list essentially showed me the gems I never knew I needed. EVERYONE SHOULD LEARN SPEED READING, BREAKTHROUGH RAPID READING.
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@trenton there's a good website/app called "Freedom" which allows you to manage what websites and programs you want blocked on your PC. You have to pay for it, but I've found it worth it. It let's you manage what apps you want blocked on your phone (Google chrome being an app) , but you can't block specific websites the same way. If you want to make the blocking as irreversible as possible for the time period you've picked on your phone, block access to Google Playstore and block access to Settings
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@KeyholeThanks fam ?, im guessing and hoping you're talented too. All the communication with 12D Aliens. That would mean we're both on a fast track to literally nothing, lmao. __________________________
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@Lyubov Nah, Sadhguru is all about spreading mainstream appeal to spirituality. I don't think he's actually trying to teach everyone how to become liberated. I've heard him say openly that he isn't, but that he's giving everyone a way to slowly get there and not regress in spiritual progress they've made. He used some analogy that most people are playing a game of snakes and ladders, with enlightenment being the goal at the end. And he seems himself as giving teachings which remove the snakes. But it's up to you how quickly you reach the last square, he doesn't see himself as teaching you how to get there. Since he's hindu, I'm presuming he thinks you'll get another lifetime or something to carry over your progress in this lifetime. I'm not sure I believe that You know, psychedelics aside, sadhguru might unironically be quite close to Leo in his view of things. Sadhguru is always talking about chemistry, the "science of bliss" , getting the correct neurochemistry, all that. ____________________________________________ (idk how to delete boxes on mobile)
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Word, dawg.
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A rather cliche question I know, but what does that make the meaning of human life then? We're constrained to not become this singularity of consciousness. Someone can live their life just surviving, and then one day you die. I've seen that my true nature is immortal. But the human life is the limited thing which ends. I don't know if there is a point, it just is. I'm assuming solipsism is false here, but animals live their lives and they suffer. They haven't the capacity to realise truth, e.g. A donkey, so they're trapped. Why the trap, why the suffering? During moments of insight, I'll temporarily see that my suffering never really existed. I'll wonder "how on earth did I ever perceive or think there was suffering"? Its this weird thing where when you look at it good enough, it disappears. But maya comes back and the state doesn't last, at least it doesn't for me anyway.
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Right, I understand what you're saying better now