Hi everyone,
As this is my first post on this forum, I figured I would start introducing myself to this community, before telling you my story (towards starting my self-actaluzation journey), and hopefully getting some feedbacks and advices from you guys (Although my primary hope is to help others in situations similar to mine realise where they are and get a self-mandate to get better themselves). My name is Jean (John, if you do not tolerate French!), I am a French guy living and working in the busy city of London. I live what most people would qualify today as a "successful life": Interesting job, nice salary, enough money to travel several times a year, living in a nice flat at a walking distance of my working place, some friends, loving parents, etc. All joy and happiness, right?
Well, not exactly. Let's say the last 1.5 years have been hectic and filled more and more by dissatisfaction. But to make sense of all of this, let's flashback 6 or 7 years in the past, in the transition between my teenage-hood and my early adulthood. Let's say I was never really at ease making new relationships with girls, it's always been a challenge for me. One day, I met this girl in a school exchange (So from another country, several hundreds kilometres/miles away), let's call her Anna. Anna was fun, Anna was smart, Anna was very good looking ... and Anna became my first girlfriend. Lots of joy for me at this point, it felt like I had reached my highest goal in life. Finally I had a girlfriend. Unfortunately, this did not last very long. Because of the distance and my way-too-high expectations, I ended the relationship after a couple of months. In the end, it was painful for the both of us.
Then one year went by (Without a girlfriend by my side) and I decided to check on Anna. It was awkward at first, but after a while it felt like the good old days. So we decided meet. Things escalated quickly and we became closer and closer (And by this, I mean having-sex closer). Yet, we never decided to become more than friends having casual sex. And this went on for years, up until approximately today. We went on long holidays together, talked most days of the year; it was nice (But dysfunctional). With time, things have become quite different, and bit by bit I noticed that this relationship became one-sided, sometimes even abusive (I was the one being taken advantage of in several ways). Yet, despite the periods of abuse, I decided to stay, hooked by the highs and lows. This started about 1.5 years ago, this is when I started to feel anxiety (and probably a mild depression) whenever I didn't get my daily "shot" of positive interaction with Anna.
This is what brought me to the conclusion (After reading books about relationships and addictions and several sessions with a counsellor) that I have become addicted to this relationship (Or I always were?). And I think it also applies to other areas of my life (Fortunately, this is only moderate, and I firmly against the idea of touching toxic substances like alcohol or other drugs). This is what brought me to this forum, this strong will to understand where this issue is coming from and becoming a better person. I am only at the very beginning of my journey and currently in an exploration phase, where I try to understand what fears drive this uneasiness of being alone with myself. Ultimately, my goal is to become in love with every one and everything on earth (Including myself) and moving away from "loving" one single person for my own benefit.
Any feedbacks about my story or recommandations (Reads, videos, practices, rituals) that could help me start on my self actualisation path would be greatly appreciated. Maybe it will help others as well.
Much love, and happy to be part of this community.
Jean
