Sine

Haha, I see. I did not think of it like that thank you for pointing it out. Yes I can see how this post would seem like I am trying to get rid of something, this was not actually my point. But maybe, even though it wasn't my intention, I have maybe created a feeling in my self of wanting to get rid of something. I will look into that. I just saw this quote from Ram Dass and it relates to my topic. "the fear dissipates you are feeling at home in the universe. Meaning your identity with your separateness isn't overriding your feeling of connection with everything to the point that you're feeling cut off and vulnerable - which is where the root of fear is" changing your relationship to. Yea this could also be a key. Maybe understanding the body as part of of something instead of the whole. Im not sure. There is something with fear being the opposite of love and this quote. But I'm not fully getting my mind around this right now.

Why?

Ahhhh reading this was very helpful. THANK YOU! <3 Yes of course, haha, i totally believe that all the thoughts are about this "me"

Yes it is like this! it's difficult to scan the body without having a mental picture of something that is doing it and something that it is being done to!

Thank you for reminding me. I have actually read a scientific paper about this.

It's okay, I understand that you don't get it, I can se how it can seem counterintuitive. I have done a lot of "shadow work", I have also done a lot of psychedelics and I have lived at an ayahuasca center. I love psychedelics and they are/have been great tools for me. In my experience, the Vipassana retreats and daily meditations is also very important, and I like the feeling of how I can reach those divine states sober. I like it because it is then easier for me to integrate it into my normal daily life than it is with psychedelics. I have found a lot of growth from using a Vipassana retreat as a sort of integration after multiple ayahuasca ceremonies. I have felt connected deeply to the whole of the universe and in general I have a sense of everything being one, as you get from psychedelics, but it's clear that I still very much identify with the body in daily life and this annoys me. It annoys me because the identification as the body and not the whole universe, creates a sense of seperation which is not true. It creates a belief of duality, which is not true. I don't want to live my daily life untrue. I'm convinced that the things i listed has roots in a belief in a of lack of connection. I therefor need to feel more connected. If I am the whole universe concept like abandonment and loneliness would cease to exist. If I am not the body why should I be afraid of it getting hurt? Why should I be afraid of loosing it. Fear would end. If I am not the body I would not feel weak If I am the whole universe I would need no protection, why should I need protection from myself? fear would end. If I am not the body I would care less about what it felt like/looked like/what other people said or felt about it, because it would not matter as much as it do now. If I am not the body I am not limited by my sex Yes, i agree. However, I am not seeking to escape the body as it seems to me you interpreted. I, as I am in my true essence, loves the body and the personality and this figure, I listen to it and I know that it's stories is buried deep in it's physical structure, and I care for this. But still, the truth is that I am not fully this, and I believe I can care even better if i raise above it. Then I will be even less afraid to really look into the traumas that hurts, because I will not identify as them.

BUT LEO I DID THEM !

https://youtu.be/8EolmP9zel4

If they think that you are cute, probably many other girls would. Maybe this is not about you being supposed to date one of them, maybe this is just God telling you that you are cute and should know it and go out and meet other girls, maybe even girls you have something in common with and could gain friendships with, besides just having sex.

Imagination. It was the first thing that came up. When I thought more about it it is this feeling… like playing. Like I want to giggle. Like butterflies in the stomach, like being a child. When I thought even more about it I compared it with creation, but for me, imagination is something a bit different after all, it is instant creation, but then again not really… It is a sense of everything having been created already. Like literally everything. And I just have to remind myself of it. So imagination has a quality of untangling to it. And also a sort of remembrance. While playing. I really love how, as I have moved further on this path, imagination and reality become less and less separate. It feels very magical to me. I guess I think it’s really fun to explore the infinite in that way. With my imagination.

I think I’m having a smaller awakening. Into self-love. And into my body. I have tears in my eyes writing this, it feels amazing, and I wish for everyone to have this kind of experience. This experience has lasted for a couple of weeks now, but it seems like it is not fading, but on the contrary - it seems like it is growing. Like it is still developing in me. I have so much pleasure from just being in this physical body. It’s not like I am in constant bliss, I can definitely feel pain, both physically and emotionally, but it is like the constant bliss is right underneath the surface and I can experiment with tapping into it. Haha. I went to the dentist without anesthesia. I almost had an orgasm from the sun hitting my bare skin through the window. The best thing is the sounds. At my very first baby trip (on LSD) years ago, I had this experience that I could feel sounds in my body. I remember the sound of someone pushing a shopping card over the sidewalk and how the sound kept vibrating in my body - creating an extreme amount of pleasure. During different trips through the years, such experiences have returned. But I’m not tripping now and it’s still here. Maybe not as intense, but I can tap into it without any difficulties. It is like I have become aware on an experiential level, that everything is vibration. Here is stuff that I did recently, leading up to this experience. I did them all with not more than a few weeks pause in-between: A little bit more than a week where I intensively practiced The Completion Process by Teal Swan – one to two times a day. (To those who don’t recognize this practice, it is a kind of hypnosis/inner-child-work that you can easily do on yourself. The purpose is to deal with difficult emotions from the root level, and in many ways, I guess it is also a perfect method to generate self-love towards neglected parts of yourself. I can highly recommend the practice, which you can find in this book: https://www.amazon.com/Completion-Process-Practice-Yourself-Together/dp/1401951449 During this week I went very deep, into both actual memories, and visualizations of more abstract feelings. It occurred to me that a lot of the fear in my body that I wasn’t dealing with, ended up as a sort of blockage when doing psychedelics and other development practices. A seven-day ayahuasca retreat with four ceremonies, almost in a row. This was my second ayahuasca retreat and where the first one, last summer, had more of an existential flair to it, where I experienced non-duality and all that stuff, this retreat was more about my childhood and the collective female consciousness. During the trips, memories from my childhood were mixed up with memories from my mother’s childhood, books that have been read to me, childhood fantasy games I played, and also stuff I have read about or heard in the news. And I had to live through it all, it was pure pain and pure fear with glimpses of strength and love. Maybe I should add that I had a very abuse and violent childhood. The same was the case for my mother. In one of the ceremonies, I re-lived being a woman, murdered in a very violent way by a man. I had nowhere to run, I just had to be with it, so I did. In one of the ceremonies, the pain and horror subsided to a very powerful feeling where one of the female shamans, together with myself, could pull all this invisible pain and torture out of my body and throw it into the fire. It was very empowering, and I felt like an invincible witch giving birth to myself. Also, the whole day before this ceremony, I had had menstruation cramps without bleeding, they were stronger than normal – like I felt like I was going into labor. Which I guess I in some way I was. The last ceremony was however the most notable. Before we started, the lead shaman guided us through a hypnosis exercise, where we stood in front of a screen, showing us what we were supposed to work with, during the ceremony. I was first shown a picture of my mother getting beaten in the head by one of her ex-boyfriends, then my mother getting strangled in the kitchen by my father, and then, at last, I saw myself as a teenager getting strangled by my ex-boyfriend when I was in high school. Drinking the cup of ayahuasca that night, I had tears running down my face because I knew that I had to work with all this collective shit between males and females, and how it is insanely painful. I was very determined to go through it though. It has created too much pain in my life. It has to end now. The ceremony was me sitting in constant fear for the full night. I drank another cup when I realized that this time, the pain wouldn’t subside, and I had to stay with it for the full ceremony– again the only way out was through. It’s difficult to describe those kinds of experiences, but I just tried to be calm with the intense emotion and at some point, I asked if I could lay close to the opening of the tippy. The helpers also covered me in heavy blankets. But other than that, I was alone in holding the fear. As I knew it would, it lasted the whole ceremony, and it was as if it didn’t have a resolution. Ten-day Vipassana Course This was my second Vipassana course. I did the last one-two years ago. I was a bit reluctant to sign up for this, because of doing Ayahuasca only a couple of weeks before the start of the course. I remembered my first ayahuasca experience, where I had been very sick many days afterward, totally dissociating from my body – especially the senses of touch and taste I had lost. Luckily this time, maybe because I had been practicing the completion process, I had been less scared of facing my inner shit, so I was feeling good and was not dissociating. The Vipassana course ended up being the perfect way to integrate the ayahuasca ceremonies. As I mentioned, I had a feeling that the last ceremony never really ended. It was as if it continued into the Vipassana experience. During the ten days, I contemplated a lot of stuff about my relationship with romantic love and men. I also understood the technique in a very deeper way. I had many realizations about how I’m constantly reacting to sensations without thinking, how I have this thirst for good sensations that never ends, and how it is the cause of a lot of my suffering. Also, I had a few days that felt like waking up after a bad party. Like – regretting stuff I have done and said, or feeling pain now being aware of people in the past that I have hurt. In the meditations, I was better able to let go of the need for pleasure than in my previous course. I had a beautiful experience where all the pain and pleasure in my body simply was realized as vibrations. Then the voice in my head became a vibration and disappeared into itself. For a short moment, there was total silence. But it was not...nothing or empty. It was… peace, bliss, a good sensation, but a different kind of good. It was just… I was just. being. Then on the last night of Vipassana, my ayahuasca trip had its ending. Pure pain and fear a whole night. I am suffering from extreme stomach aces that the doctors haven’t been able to figure out. It wakes me up at night if I eat too much or eat the wrong food. On the last day, we had one more meal than the other days and that gave me the pain that night. Normally I would go out of bed to exercise or do yoga (because that is the only thing that helps) but I didn’t want to wake my roommate up, so I stayed in bed. Then I began to drift off into sleep, but the pain kept waking me, so it was in this state between awake and asleep that I started to have a nightmare. It felt very much like tripping. I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my life, not even on the scariest ayahuasca ceremonies. This was the worst my stomach ace has ever been, I was cold-sweating, nauseous. And again, it came to a place where I realized the fear and the pain wouldn’t go away so I had to stay with it the full night. So, I did. And then. I’m not sure exactly when it happened. But since then, it has been so easy for me to feel love for both myself and everyone else. I look forward to meditating because it is such a pleasure. I listened to Leo’s video about self-love being the highest teaching again. He says in it, that one day we will come back to the recording, understanding it better, and I feel like that is me now. Understanding it. Coming back to self-love. I have so much compassion for the child and teenager I was. Everything I went through. I am so happy that I am experiencing this now because when I think back on the beginning of my adulthood, I have struggled so much, and I have been so sad and unnecessarily scared. At the same time, I am aware that my memories - what did and did not happen, what I remember in pictures, and what I remember as feelings or sensations. It doesn't really matter. It is the feeling of owning the past but.. well maybe more of owning the experience of the past, that I have. Because my experience in the now is the only thing there is. I guess I never really understood what big a part of my misery had to do with fear. I am not rid of the fear, I still experience fear and panic when I wake up in the morning, but I am more aware of it now, dealing with it – where usually I just numbed it with a long to-do-list, jumping out of bed to have enough time to do everything. I know I still have a long way to go, and I am motivated to grow even more, but if this should be the only step I ever reach, I would actually be quite satisfied, haha. Just wanted to share this – especially that it was valuable for me to do self-therapy – ayahuasca – vipassana in a row. I also had a few talks with a therapist who was very wise in regards to the emotional body before it all. I try as best as I can to practice the completion process for an hour or so in the morning. I do the Vipassana meditation for an hour before going to bed at night. Ending with a loving-kindness mediation. Practicing this helps me stay aware of both my emotions and physical sensations, and I think that by keeping these practices, I help the awakening to grow instead of fade. One big change I also feel in my daily life is that I am enjoying so much to just be alone (or with my dog). These days I have zero need to spend time with friends or create new relationships. It’s not that I don’t want that, it’s just that right now I have so much to experience just in being me. I’m also getting more creative and feel like I want to consume and create art all the time. The world is so amazing. Existing is so cool. I don’t want to miss a single moment haha. Like, it is not like that ecstatic feeling of being in love. It is more like calm. Like secure. I feel secure. Thanks for reading this far if you did. Love you (of course).

Read this: A message for men who want to avoid women regretting having been sexual with them. https://civilizationemerging.com/a-message-for-men-who-want-to-avoid-women-regretting-having-been-sexual-with-them/?fbclid=IwAR3aYNhjLdk0_0caVIpbSf4RaBdHnmaueRsxmA18fAHiSHwGo6kseYS5iMI

Haha, I can relate to this so much! Yes, academia will suck the soul out of you if you don't prioritize your creative goals, at least if you are like me, and it seems from this that we have similar experiences. My best advice, which has worked for me, is to make plans with your friends very well in advance, like weeks or even months in advance. Like really plan your weeks/months throughout, so you want to fall into the trap of hanging out with people aimlessly or wasting your time. When doing this, time with your friends will be actual quality time, because you won't feel stressed and you (or they) will have planned out nicer things to do than eating fast food. You will definitely lose some friends on this. But for me, I think that, if people aren't grown up enough to use a calendar, then they won't really be high-quality friends anyway, so it will be for the best to lose them. In general, don't be afraid to let go of people if you don't serve each other anymore. The uncomfortable feeling of a person being mad at you is something to be dealt with, but not something to be feared (could use this advice a little bit more on my own self actually haha) Another thing is that it helped me to listen to Leo's latest video about loneliness. It actually helped a lot. And start intensifying your mediations and other self-actualization practices, because as you become more and more able to connect to true love, just by existing, you won't need other people so much, and it will also be easier to be creative and study without wanting to procrastinate. But... I'm actually procrastinating very much right now hahaha. So I better go study myself. Take my advice I don't use it! No. really. I use it! most of the time.... And it's good! All the love <3

I have written a small one some years ago, but now I'm writing a big one! (fiction based on real-life stuff) Yes, it's really much about getting it in as something natural you just do. You talk all the time without thinking about it, it just comes natural to the body, because you practiced as a child and did it more and more often - this is what you need to do with writing now. Maybe some days you should write more than you talk! Then it will start to flow easily. Yea I find notebooks so useful because on a computer it looks so serious, and when I'm just sketching scenes, trying stuff out, it's easier if it's low-key like in a trashy notebook. - and yes then you can take it with you all the time! When you write your journal try sometimes to focus more on the sensations and feelings instead of getting what actually happened down in every detail. Just make stuff up that fits with the emotions you had - it's your notebook, you are not obligated to tell the objective happenings of your day, you can make stuff up (this is if you want to write a fiction book)

I have written a small one some years ago, but now I'm writing a big one! (fiction based on real-life stuff) Yes, it's really much about getting it in as something natural you just do. You talk all the time without thinking about it, it just comes natural to the body, because you practiced as a child and did it more and more often - this is what you need to do with writing now. Maybe some days you should write more than you talk! Then it will start to flow easily. Yea I find notebooks so useful because on a computer it looks so serious, and when I'm just sketching scenes, trying stuff out, it's easier if it's low-key like in a trashy notebook. - and yes then you can take it with you all the time! When you write your journal try sometimes to focus more on the sensations and feelings instead of getting what actually happened down in every detail. Just make stuff up that fits with the emotions you had - it's your notebook, you are not obligated to tell the objective happenings of your day, you can make stuff up (this is if you want to write a fiction book)

My best advice is to make it a habit to write every day as much as you can, no matter what it is, even if it is just thoughts or other people's conversations or descriptions of what you can see, feel, smell, etc. Set time off to write for a longer period of time each day, this could for example be working on your story, maybe for an hour (I do it the first thing in the morning). But more important is to carry a notebook with you all the time and place tiny notebooks all-around your house - then every time you have a thought related to the story (or something relevant for it - or even something that is not relevant for it at all!) write it out. EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO STOP YOUR CAR OR YOUR BIKE WHILE DRIVING. This is extremely important. make it into a habit! It needs to get out of your head immediately or your inner judge will kill it! The trick is to get your body used to use this form of communication. Then, at last, it will not be difficult for you to write at all, because you do it all the time anyway! After I started to do this, writing has become more of a lifestyle than something I just do once in a while. And there is also more room in my head for being present in the - now because all the characters talking get out into the notebooks haha. Another piece of advice is that if you are sitting down and want to work on your story but finds that you can't - then just write some diary stuff and then surprise yourself, suddenly moving into the storyline. So you take yourself by surprise, tricking yourself into working. Also - NEVER USE A BEAUTIFUL NOTEBOOK! You will feel that something beautiful needs to be written in it. NO. You need to write shit! shit-writing is so important because that is where your true voice will emerge from, instead of just you trying to be something else. Shit is gold. You are gold. Golden-shit. But first when you let yourself be shit. Last thing - when you write in your notebooks - write like no one is watching, literally, don't write on the lines, shift directions, write in a circle, write on top on other lines and backward. The trick is to surprise yourself, so you will be distracted from self-judging thoughts. And also it will help you to feel that you shouldn't feel shy towards the notebook and that it will accept you even if your writing is messy and not perfect. Be aware that you are writing with your body, not your head! We need to distract the head so the body can work in peace - therefore - work in the morning when you are still clean in your head or at night when the head is empty, write quickly when doing first drafts, write stuff out as soon as it arises during the day, write shit and write in messy ways. And meditate daily and don't eat bad food. Hope this helps. I wish you the best and you are awesome for wanting to write! I hope you will find great joy in it!

To me, it seems very masculine the way you want to take up this quest of integrating masculine energy. A question to ask yourself is: In what ways do you already use the masculine energy in your life? (even though feminine might be more dominant, I'm sure it is not all feminine) In what ways do you use this masculine energy negatively and positively? what does being masculine mean to you, and is this image something that you would benefit from taking another perspective upon? I would also recommend some of Teals Swan's youtube videos if you don't already know her. She has some interesting views on masculinity and femininity and the relationship between these two - also tools to work with childhood trauma. I admire you so much for taking a look at your patterns and shadows like this. That is such a brave thing to do. As you said, you lost the weight, you helped your mom, you have honest caring conversations with your girlfriend - a thing that must have made her feel like you took care of her and her inner life - and now you are doing this, looking at yourself like this, taking up the work. This seems like healthy masculine traits / a healthy way of using masculine energy. So yea. Maybe you are already standing in the middle of where you thought you were supposed to go.

Dog training

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320

Have you watched this one? : Also maybe dive into strong determination meditation (adhitthana): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adhiṭṭhāna Also maybe do ayahuasca, if possible in your country. This is my advice. You will find that returning to love does not make you weak. On the contrary, you will find a strength that only a few people in this world possess. Looking your naked self straight in the eyes is true bravery. integrating these aspects in your life has been so important and brave of you. Already a step on the way into letting go of ego. Seems to me like you are very much on your way to untangle yourself off from delusion. If you have been hiding in a macho masculinity and stage red, it has been brave of you to let go of this, integrating aspects like calm, peace, and passive in your life. Maybe it is time now for you to dive into the aspects of this path, that are definitely not "pussy" in the ordinary sense of the word, but very much pussy in the actual sense. Contemplate what a pussy is, in fact, able to do. You yourself, with all your demons and all your bliss and beauty, were made from pussy. God is pussy - as someone above my comment correctly put it. It's so beautiful how you put this word in the title without understanding its true meaning. Spirituality will make you a pussy, hahaha, the strongest force on earth. you stupid man No, seriously. You are doing good I believe. Keep going.

I think Matt Kahn could be understood as a feminine resource" even though he is a man.

I study psychology and I don't find it super useful for my own work.. at least not most of the time, but sometimes there is something interesting that I read more into - as we had about narrative therapy and that really made me realize a lot about how I live the stories I tell myself - and then I read a book about it the professor recommended me, which gave me a lot of tools to change this. This was actually a really important step on my path now when I think about it... But yea psychology is definitely more useful for helping others who haven't started on the path of self-development yet! But just in itself self, the subject is super interesting (but of course that is just how I feel) I enjoy that we both go through philosophy, the more biological stuff like neuroscience, and then subjects like trauma and child development. Also, you can take it in so many directions further on, which is good if you feel passionate about lots of things or just want to have every option open! I used to want to do science and research on psychedelics and psychedelic therapy. Then I became more interested in neuroscience and was so much in love with all the brain stuff. Then it was more trauma and psychotherapy-subject - which was my plan to add further on. I also wanted to work with astronauts and how you can be successful when working in difficult conditions (like outer space) at some point! I also thought about running my own therapy center with psychedelic therapy! haha... And.. now I'm more interested in just making art .. So I use my studies as inspirations for this - but I really don't know. There are many options! Also I enjoy it when we read something philosophy-like, which we sometimes do. I think I have learned some stuff from studying psychology that has made me better able to communicate with my friends (help them when they feel down) actually. Mostly from reading about narrative therapy though, which I could have done on my own I guess. It is a very useful subject to study because it gives you a lot of credit in society if, for example, you choose to study psychotherapy further on or something like that - you will have more credibility with the psychology title also. But yea if studying is purely for your own sake and not to get a job I would choose philosophy or maybe literature/art ... but like... if it's not to get a job then maybe go travel or go live at a vipassana center or ayahuasca center instead. But actually... When I think about it... Every subject you can study has the potential of being useful for self-development. Because everything is you and you can be passionate about discovering yourself from different lenses... art... biology... mathematics... philosophy...psychology/neuro-science.... animal studies (!!) It's all just ways of looking at God. You can't do anything wrong really. Maybe just choose what you are good at or what you liked to do as a child.

This is so very cool thank you for sharing! Reminded me of this beautiful verse from the Vipassana chantings. (from udana-gatha/verses of joy - when Gautama Buddha attained liberation)

Thank you! No, I still have them if I'm not careful about food, but they haven't been so bad at the one I was describing. Yea it makes sense - orgasmic, blissful, ecstatic expansion - what an awesome universe we have created