RickyFitts

Try to have compassion for yourself, mate, don't judge yourself for feeling needy. Feel into it when you notice it arising in you, don't stuff it down because that'll just bury the issue, it won't resolve it.

I've had issues with waking up in the middle of the night and also with having rather disturbing, upsetting dreams at times, which I'm assuming is related to my meditation practice, but I haven't particularly had issues with actually falling asleep. Maybe it depends on the type of meditation you're doing? I practice breath meditation with the simple emphasis on physical relaxation, which seems to help me drift off when I go to bed.

Speaking of Adyashanti, I like how he suggests to approach enlightenment: 'The question should be, not, "How do I become enlightened?" but rather, "How am I unenlightening myself?"' What's preventing you from feeling at peace right now, in this moment? It's our unresolved baggage, in the form of suppressed emotion and trauma, that's at the root of the trance-state that most humans are trapped in, it's this which causes us to feel agitated, distracted, lost, hopeless, etc. So learning how to be with yourself and to allow the arising of that which had previously been suppressed is a big part of becoming free, it seems to me.

You say he's 100% right, but his advice just sounds calculating, cynical, and self-serving to me, and it makes women sound interchangeable and disposable. Don't ever forget, Gabith, that women can hurt just the same as you. I learnt this the hard way, and it almost broke me.

Fuck it, I'd be breaking out the Big Book of British Smiles instead, scare the little fuckers straight: (I'm not a parent, can you tell?)

I think I need about a month to fully absorb that. I'll have to pick up all the pieces of my mind first though, it's currently in bits all over the floor

Yep, you've absolutely nailed it in that one sentence Wishing you all the best with it, because I know just how tough it can be.

Right, I see what you're saying. The psychology of rape fantasy is something I've long found interesting, it's something that initially seemed quite perverse to me. But that probably says as much about my ignorance of female sexuality as anything.

Ditto. Well, sort of - a moment of total surrender in the midst of acute suffering led to a glimpse of awakening, though that was really only the start of the journey. Since then I've had to learn how to surrender consciously, which has been challenging to say the least.

RE the stigma/shame surrounding rape fantasy, what did you have in mind exactly? I wasn't aware that there was a stigma about it beyond an unspoken assumption that there must be something wrong with it based on the fact that we've collectively agreed, rightly, that rape is unacceptable, though I'm rather out of the loop these days so I might have missed something. But yes, of course there's a world of difference between rape and rape fantasy, the key word being consent as you say. I've personally engaged in such fantasies with a sexual partner and it was great to explore our sexuality in that way, I think that can be a very healthy, liberating thing to do provided there's no coercion involved.

This is a fair comment, good on you for taking the time to flesh it out.

It can be, but not always. I think a good acid test of whether it's healthy or not is to ask yourself, 'Could I live without a partner?' If the answer's no, it isn't healthy.

Establish that emotional stability in yourself, and it'll be reflected in your relationships. The very need for a relationship is itself very often an indication of emotional instability.

And you need to know that a guy really loves you in order to have emotional stability? Yes, this is key. If we're answering from a defensive place, we're likely to offer up excuses and justifications for our behaviour rather than the truth.

It might be more beneficial for you to consider where this question is coming from on an emotional level.

Don't worry, that's completely normal. It can feel seriously frustrating, and the temptation to give up can be considerable, but it will get better with practice, yeah, you've just got to stick with it.

What a nice thread, I rather naively had no idea people were from so far and wide I'm from Manchester, England.

@Roy Oh I like it I gave a few of their songs a listen after you shared 'Life Of The Party' and I was staggered I hadn't heard of them before, great band! I get what you mean about not taking first impressions too seriously, I've definitely been guilty of that myself in the past Off the subject, but I just have to share this one because it's an amazing cover of one of my all-time favourite songs (originally by Radiohead):

Maybe best just to sit with what you're feeling in those moments, in that case

Big shout-out to @Roy for introducing me to July Talk, I think this might just end up being my song of the year:

Sounds like you need to slow down and focus your mind.

Great idea

'There's a difference between knowing the path and walking it.' - Morpheus, 'The Matrix'

I think the longing is your wounded inner child reaching out for comfort in those moments when you feel low - I experience this myself from time to time in relation to an ex I had a very strong emotional connection with (happened just the other day, funnily enough), I think it's something that's especially common in people who didn't receive the emotional support they needed when they were children (not saying this is necessarily true of you, melody, though I know it was true of me). So learning to self-parent is very important in dissolving these emotional attachments, I think, being present with yourself in those moments when you do feel low, as Waken said, allowing yourself to release any upset you may be feeling. If you have someone in your life who can be a shoulder to cry on or who can just give you a kiss and a cuddle, that can also be hugely healing.

Here's an interesting discussion between Harris and Adyashanti that came up in my Youtube recommendations (edit: apologies for the imperfect sound quality), very interesting that he's interacting with the likes of Adya and Rupert Spira - regardless of what you think of his perspective, it's great that he's helping to bring this into the mainstream: