I think I am a narcissist. I've taken a few online tests, and I am usually at the lower end of them. I can't put my finger on what elements of myself I need to work on to not be a narcissist. I often worry, deep down, about how others feel about me, but not in a vanity sense. It's more like, I hope I'm not annoying them. I don't want to exploit people. I don't manipulate people. I enjoy being with friends and having fun.
I want to make people around me my friends. I want to make them happy. I don't often talk about my achievements, but if someone asks, I can talk for a while about them. I am continually trying to be a better person each day. I often ask people about themselves, what they do, what they enjoy. I want to learn new skills and I enjoy going to people more skilled than I to achieve that.
Some people have also accused me of being a sociopath, but I don't know why. I am always concerned and blaming myself for everything, but only when something goes wrong. Even if the other person could be to blame, I'll point to myself. I think I have a lot of empathy. I love my dog with all my heart, and she's my best friend. I am always worried about people and always wanting to make sure they are okay. I get upset easy and I feel emotions very intensely.
I have a large vocabulary. My mother often accuses me of trying to be better than most people. This isn't my intention. I try to speak as authentically and congruently as I can. My intention is never to make anyone feel stupid. It's times like this, where I question my place in society. I am usually very good at some things, and often I am the leader in a group. Usually I am appointed it. I don't ask to, but if no one wants to be the leader in a group, I will take the initiative. I don't put others down. I don't insult others. I talk to as many people as I can, and I like to smile and let them talk. Rarely do I actually say much, unless asked.
Recently, someone who I thought was my friend came out and said they wasn't. I've lived the past 5 years, spending two days a week thinking this person was my friend. This person, far as I know, hasn't given me any indication of this. In fact, the people in the same group seem to not have noticed either. No one approached me and said I did anything wrong. All I wanted to do was fit in, and be a part of the group.
I've looked but I haven't found anything, but has Leo done any videos on this topic? Or are there good ones online? I'm at a super low point right now. I want to find something to help or make me understand myself.