Nadosa

Like who Am I then. Does it even matter? Who was even writing all these threads all these years?

True. It feels like death. Wtf. Wtf.

Yesterday I could see through the suffering, the delusion, the belief that smth is wrong with me, especially the belief that I am not aware of my thoughts, it fucked me up to the Point where I felt Im totally at my minds mercy, feeling like I'm schizophrenic, I go crazy and couldnt connect to anyone anymore. I picked up a random story in order to justify that I AM my mind. Wtf. Wtf. Just the belief of it makes me shake. Because I can kinda sense it still. I can sense why I felt crazy, because I thought I was the mind. Till I made the conscious decision to be drawn into the now. Suddenly I started to cry. I saw through the delusion. But it wasnt all the way. Now two perspectives are battling inside of me, the old one feels so true because i believed it for too long, so so long, then the observer perspective, which feels a lot more connected and better. I always felt connected when I dropped the belief that Im my mind. Yet fuck, dropping it feels like I "die", like my story ends now and forever. It feels good to type these words tho. But I have questions: how do I deal with this letting go, I feel this is hard to handle? Why did I even believe such thoughts, am I crazy, sick, ill? Why did I even create the Story for so long? Will I ever be able to let go of this perspective/old self? Or just kinda hold it in awareness, see it coming and going. Because that's what I did for very long time, till it overcame me again (last days) and made me feel like Im my mind. Now my minds even telling me that "being aware of my thought is another belief", just to draw me back into a dream that couldnt be lived anymore. For me, this is more of a feeling thing, like I stay in tune with the good feeling, tho the other perspective (that Im my mind) is still lingering inside of me?

Woah Ive been carrying the belief with me that smth is wrong with me for so long. Letting it go feels like, death? Wtf. It feels like letting it go makes me go insane but it switches into a perspective where Im aware of my thoughts. It's like two perspectives battle each other. The trapped perspective feels clearly wrong, tho "smth" inside of me tends to fully go into it and believe it even though it bring's up the worst suffering! Wtf! Like questions come up "how do I know whats true, youve been carrying it around for so long", its like Im not ready to give up the "Im crazy"-identity.

I had to take some time off due to recent events in my mind. So at the moment its particularly getting enough sleep.

4 years ago my mind pushed me over the edge of rational thinking my way out of suffering - what I was suffering from, I dont know, it was a shift inside of me my mind tried to grasp. Or just thoughts about myself. I dont know. It's been thoughts about my existence I focused on unconsciously. It was smth so deep that couldnt be grasped by thought anymore. Well it was something that shifted my attention away from thinking to feeling and positive "momentum". But still my mind tried to desperately make sense out of this shift, it wanted to think about it so badly and make it a story. A shift happened, a painful one, but simultaneously another door opened. Like, I was kinda forced to give up thinking or making sense out of thinking, out of reality, out of me, out of thought I was kinda on the edge of going psych, because I didnt know anything about spirituality, leaving me traumatized. My mind kind of tried to conceptualize the shift "aka Im dying", beliefs were formed, I tried to think my way out of it, making those years the worst ones, suffering wise. I went to the psych ward telling "I dont know, I Just dont know, a part of me dies", knowing that it just is a belief too, I then left because well I didnt know what to do and the next moment I could feel fine even though I know this part is still there. It felt like I had the choice how I felt and somehow it was a burden to decide not to think or like choosing to be happy, having Control over smth i thought i didnt have control over. It was like my thinking and mind were over with longer defining myself via thought. Since that day Ive stuck with the guidance of "feeling positive" and "direct experience". My mind here and there tries to grasp "how and why" it's not "me" and tries to conceptualize the shift via logical thinking, which can cost me times of fear, despair and panic. Basically my sense of self has been kinda whacky since then, my mind tries to grasp everything, once it is listened to. When I let go of thinking, I am fine, simultaneously I know deep inside my mind and thoughts still try to grasp the shift, which has cost me precious energy ever since. The rational thinking about the shift can make me quite panicky too. Yesterday it took over again trying to make sense out of "me" leaving mind desperately searching for a story of that "self", basically I chose to focus on the thoughts, letting my mind run the show. And all this is just another Story for my Ego to explain that which I experienced. Whatever. Those times are harsh. So harsh. I hope I will find out someday what I am. Because this is sometimes just awful. This experience back then can still feel so present while meditating leaving me anxious. Sure is, that I still and back then didnt have the understanding of what happened. Right now, direct experience is the only thing keeping me "sane". I guess thinking too deep about this can lead to fairly much damage (which it indeed does, because I cant stop thinking about that event), since Ive been still trying to think myself out of this which is clearly the worst choice one can do. How I basically live day by day is via positive momentum. I couldnt grasp "someone" anymore.

Im quite lost and trapped at the moment.

How can I see that, that nothing is wrong with me? Why am I interpreting it in this way? Why have I done it and keep doing it for the last 3 years? I dont know why I keep questioning, feels like Im going down that rabbit hole again I visited back then. Why does it bother me sometimes? Why sometimes not? Is it connected to my state of consciousness? Why does a habit of thoughts feel like it is "me"? I mean "me", as this person, body? How can we "see" or "logically" live on, when this "I" is let go of? Do we transcend it? How can the mind logically interpret that event? Bascially Im currently aware I am acting out of the finite mind. It is kinda confused. At this moment I keep circling between "these thoughts and feelings are still there, and they pop up" an just experience, direct experience, which is the only thing keeping me sane. At the same time thinking about what if I hadn't had the experience of knowing what is really true and the mindfulness I cultivated, I would have already gone crazy, makes me scared. Like there are so many possibilities the way someone can deal with things, and I feel like the only thing that keeps me sane from what I experience is spirituality, otherwise I would have already ended up in a psych or whatever.

3 years ago I went through a hard identity crisis. "I" didnt make sense anymore. It had me dissociated and left me in a huge dissonance because I tried to rationalize logically the unavoidable. I kinda posted every little thought in this forum. It left a part of me fairly traumatized. I kinda managed to let it go, going on with life and hell it felt like I let "me" go. Dont know if anyone understands this. As if life just passed without an experiencer. But somehow I "created" one in order to interact with the world. Till this point my consciousness work was non-existent. My conscioussness was so low that I nearly went to the psych ward. Thoughts arose about "I died, there is no way I experience this, how am I still here". I didnt really know what to do. It was hell on earth. I feel freaky posting about this too and somehow "broken", like I jumped off a bridge, falling. And ehm just falling. Not really a "ground" in sight. But in the end, in the background, there is this lingering, subtle knowledge, that I know that I am not really "I", this is a game and somehow I kinda lead a life as a pretty unconscious guy, because I let myself play the game and fell in a lazy trap in order to avoid the pain this existential crisis brought up in me. It is not like I dont do anything. But I hesitate to do more serious stuff. Because I am afraid that I'll experience such a crisis again or that it will bring up memories, thoughts etc. This happens for example if I sit for an hour, when suddenly feelings come up and the story around it: "you dont exist, there is no way "you're" sitting here" and then I start to panic and have to go for a walk. Now, my mind is quiet conditioned to throw existential thoughts at me, just last week, I went for a walk and my mind went to "well who am I, do I exist", and then I come to the conclusion that I dont, panic fills my body and I try hard not to go crazy. Then I let it go and go on BUT at the same time I know that I trick myself and create a character, I feel like I deny the truth and choose to distract myself from it. It's quiet a tohuwabohu, so I am sorry. If anyone has some tips... I guess without some serious work I will end up quite miserable. Because this is serious. Pretty serious. And so so deep existential that it shatters every cell inside of me. Dont get me wrong, I have a fulfilled life (however I managed to do that, sometimes I wonder what people would think if they lived inside me, they already wouldve gone crazy), life's just flowing and I dont know what I am.

Yes.

I dont know. All I know is that I carry smth with me I've been trying to look an answer for years now. This feeling, it isnt there without a reason. But it makes no sense trying to explain smth to you that is just there and not even I understand.

I mean what YOU talk about. It also depends, sometimes by "it", I mean anxiety too.

Words dont help, I must experience it myself. This anxiety feels just overwhelmingly strong. It may be the story around it that causes the dissonance. Everytime I talk about spirituality, this existential terror accompanies it. And living on and ignoring it does not help, see now, after three years anxiety still pops up deep inside, buried under layers. And I have absolutely no clue what this all is about, why it's happening, why this questions cause this distress. And feeling the anxiety makes my mind go like "you are going to die if you face it, you are going insane". It all feels like I am going to die, I dont know how to describe it really? You see, I am still kinda torn and have no clear vision at all. This inbetween feels so exhausting.

Yeah. But it comes back. I dont really know what to do about this. This is a really deep existential anxiety.

When I was a small kid, my brother used to rule over me and kind of acted and used me out of maybe envy or jealousy. For example, he created an imaginary "club", which was kind of a club for the "cool" kids, but in reality it didn't even exist. He used to tell, if I didn't do this or that for him, I get fired from this club and feel bad. I dont know, this story got me feeling so intimidated and made me feel obligated to react and do the things he wanted, otherwise I would feel bad and he actually used it to force me to do certain things I didn't want to. It kind of switched into OCD, to the point where I feared that something bad could have happened if I didn't follow him. Until this day, I have a big flaw, namely feeling guilty and overthinking little things that could have been "wrong". Especially in relationships. Nowadays, the relation between me and my brother is ok. But I can't show him the love he wants me to show him. He already apologized etc..But he kind of uses his "manipulative" behaviours to supress my voice in some situations and I feel kind of intimidated. Because he has this deep sense of "knowing" how to manipulate me. I mean I can sense it somehow (unconsciously putting him on a pedestal) and it makes me wanna not meet him. He doesnt understand. He loves me and tells me I am his favourite person. I can sense a deep regret too. But I can't shake off my bias here. I can't let go easily. He expects me to let it go now and that I make a big thing out of it. He's demonstrated very often in the past months that he still tends to manipulate me, making me feel bad for things...And I wish I could meet him with the same love. But I just...can't. And it annoys me too. But I just prefer being without him. Is it okay or am I acting irresponsible going away from him?

Sometimes, when I realize some bad patterns and stop resisting them, I set them free - but then at night, I lay in bed, I feel like "mh it is pretty quite up there" and then a feeling of anxiety rushes through my body and simultaneously my mind says "it shouldn't be that way". It is very hard to observe this because it is what made up my person for so long. Noise was my all-day-comapgnon. I still don't know what to do with these backlashes of patterns that are deep buried in my unconscious and feel like they "make up" my "person". I feel way more attached to them, hence dealing with them is way harder.

Yes I am happy and people feel my vibe too. But 4 months ago I let my life happen and be directed by other people's opinions rather than mine. So that was when it started to change. Listening to me instead of others. Still, I tend to look for other opinions about things I am insecure about (e.g. my Relationship) and treat them as if they were 100% true even though they dont know the situation as good as I do..I still take them too seriously. And they trigger old feelings in me. Feelings I projected onto my gf for example before I started changing habits. I am still very conditioned to let my life lead by other people's opinions. I want to have my own personal opinion and freedom. I dont want to invest happiness in objects anymore. Nor in persons (maybe that is kind of an protect-mechanism to not get hurt?). Yes, I still have times where I feel insecure and confused. Because I feel like growing up means to build your own game as you wish whilst having the choice and responsibility for the structure and design of it.

Hm, surely my gf has her flaws due to her age and insecurities. But it is surely not (always) her, but my reaction to her and other people's opinions about her (related to my rumination and self-esteem). No I am not where I want to be yet. I know that and I am totally aware that I have yet a way ahead of me. Psychologically, as well as related to my physics. But I work hard for that at the moment. Well, the relationship started sloppy (it is my first one) and I put on a mask, hence there were many fights and I felt like I was faking everything. Then we had a turning point. It began when I started to be very honest about everything and when I first started to act FROM my happiness and not searching it through the relationship. The dynamic changed from a co-dependency to a more free, lighter, and loving one. Yet, old patterns still come up and tend to trigger also old habits in HER. After all, we are young, and I am also aware that she wants to study elsewhere and I might be going away too. And I dont know what happens after that. There are a few things for sure, but that is my cup of tea how to deal with them.

Sometimes just when somebody says little things, I tend to judge myself about judging myself. Meaning for example, if I do something wrong (in my opinion) or just recently when someone said "how come that you have such a beautiful girlfriend", I tend to judge myself "why does he or she say that?" but in the same time judging myself for even asking myself such questions and then I also tend to compare myself, which I can let go of but it feels very painful in the first place having such feelings. And I am totally aware of it and it is my biggest flaw at the moment (apart from these existential nature etc. beliefs etc). Letting go of such issues just empowers me so much and I feel like the most confident and loving guy ever, though, when they arise, they can really really bother me and keeping me contemplating, recalling memories, ruminating about why they would say that etc..like an endless spiral.

For example general existential anxiety about "myself", who I am, what I am made of, basically creates a steady spiral in my mind which tends to build up emotions of anxiety in me. As well as self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I try to contemplate and set them free. But sometimes, when I feel like my mind slows down, I tend to look up for these patterns and anxiety again just to ensure myself that this part of my identity isn't gone. When I rest in my true nature, I feel like it is ok but not like my full body-mind is integrated in that. Maybe it is a survival thing?

It felt like I couldnt really distinguish between reality and dream. I did not know if I was actually dreaming or really doing stuff. It felt like I wasnt really asleep either but rather detached. Sometimes it happens when I fall asleep with a bad mindset and my mind cant find any rest. Then my body somehow falls asleep but my mind is still running which is kinda scary. Well it kinda freaked me out after I woke up because I didn't know if I was actually doing something or just dreaming. Sometimes I tend to wake up and instinctly do something. It is hard to explain.

So what teachers are actually able to help one to heal in your opinion? Any suggestions?

Hm well, it kind of resonates in a sense of being already this open, allowing space, just not realizing it and layers of objective experience obscuring it and as he always states, "that you don't exist". I think Fred is a good teacher to get started with but he completely bypasses the Integration and dealing with all the repressed stuff. You can't simply say or realize "I dont exist" and expect your baggage to be resolved, cleaned and healed.

So I found this and I kinda resonate with it. What do you guys think?

Beginning with Depersonalization und Derealization in 2017. Slowly recovered. Then I totally lost it in a strange story I believed more than what "actually is". There was a story about my self dying. And I couldnt say it was a simple thought. It was a deep rooted identiy based feeling all I could do was resisting against. Because I wasnt prepared. It felt like "um okay it feels like I die. So mh, what the hell is here left?" And then there was a switching, for 3 years now, between consciousness and this limited self that thouhgt it died this day. I wanted this identity, this story about"I" that should be let go of to be there, I clinged to that identity, I resisted with every single cell. It traumatized me to the bone. And I kept posting on forums and this subreddit because I couldnt the hell pinpoint what I was going through. It felt strange to be alive. This belief is still very much embedded. It felt like a part of me slipped away. I didnt want it to. A Higher force always pushes me back to say "let it be, you want to live". Still recovering from this...beliefs and memories keep popping up just now because of some stress. Beliefs about my self really being "not here" and in order feeling very irritated about space and identiy, who is here now etc. My body feels like mine but also doesnt and it is hard getting my mind in line with my body. It is hard aligning my new "Me" to experience. Yesterday I felt like I lost it and suddenly I felt like I didnt know where I am. I somehow "was gone" and now I am here again and my mind is coming up with questions "who is here now?" and I keep identifying with it because I like beating myself up, going down the Story, but also because it was triggered by some emotional self-inflicted stress. My mind is still clinged to an identity because I am switching between identifying and letting go, survival and just being. My mind can get loud. Images, giant images popping up, words, etc. It can overtake. I tried to cultivate some awareness these days. It is hard. The belief, the clinging to my self is still so deep. Awareness does its job. Its there. But convincing my mind that awareness is my true self just creates this dissonance that there is still a "self" as "awareness" making it questioning why and who it is when it actually "died". Also I tend to cling to a relationship that doesnt serve my inner growing. I tend to take it as a project. To see how my Ego reacts. To see what it is about when it comes to dependency. Neediness. I have come to good results when there was Self-Love. The relationship improved. But still there is so much negative conditioning. Beating myself up for various reasons. At the moment I am just in a continuous state of ruminating. It is like I am the ocean. Then suddenly there is a wave. Suddenly something identifies with that wave. And the entire view of life is shifted. Then few minutes later the resistance is let go of. And the perspective changes again. Like a sky. The cloud-cover comes. I resist it. Because these beliefs seem so...true? Even though I know they arent true they come back and suddenly I believe them again. Like yesterday. I posted here in order to gain some insight. That from time to time I tend to feel like I dont know where I am (2-3 times a year). It has lessened as I cultivated some awareness but still this state triggered my current state of mind. It feels like this is triggered by a story or certain beliefs about myself and who I am and that my mind tries to figure out what "I" is but cant find one and therefore it questions "who, what, where is I" and all that comes is resistance because there is no I. Leading to confusion and dissonance. In these moments all that helps is...mhh hoping that I get a sense of time and space back as soon as possible. But this time it seems to linger around a bit longer. It just feels uncomfortable. Mhh. Just need help here. Guidance. I guess somehow it is a bit too much. But at least I got out of my mind. Which I sometimes believe to be crazier than anyone else's.