Nadosa

4 weeks now. But in a pretty brutal manner. The oscillations are mainly caused by a separate self Feeling it needs to be pathologized, I then feel crazy whereas I usually, when I dont do it, feel good. It usually happens when I give my power - to choose which thoughts serve me away - to a habit in the past when I felt powerless regarding thoughts and feelings.

This is a ride. Between death, and Life, there shines an everpresent reality, holding an apparent identity, which is all but an illusion, we seek to work it out and fix our neurosis about an apparent self when there never was a self. Now it's time to investigate this god. Which is there so pure and fresh, breathing through this body.

Same lol.

Look man, for looking who you really are in experience or thought doesnt lead to anything as who you are is not behind thought, not observing thought - you are everything, but you have to first kill the Idea that you have to find yourself. Just kill it all and be.

I recently found Bettinho Massaro talking about parallel realities, and I feel like I found what has made me feel so different from everyone around me. I have one strong, and I mean very strong parallel reality going on, that makes it partially very hard to live, apart from when I am fully present, all falls into unison. 4 years ago I kinda was split into, idk, two personalities, one thought "it" died, and actually it always felt like strange for that part "to still be alive" after all this time. It is a fucking valid feeling which brings anxiety, because it FEELS like me, also depression, and a weird feeling of confusion at the same time. When Im fully present and conscious I can seem to realign everything into one (Me), but as soon as I ruminate about the past and stuff like that, this personality trait gets triggered. It leaves me confused about "who" is it that has written all the posts in the past and stuff like that, who is still alive.

You can look if you have any beliefs and concepts around your experience of pain. Let them run through you. The suffering will decrease.

No.

So there are some memories I go through sometimes that still leave me shaking in fear. I wanted to face them in the eyes of a new understanding after some bouts of very intense suffering considering my identity and life. My journey started here in 2017. My first post was a post that marked the beginning of the unraveling of my true nature. I tried to rationalize my experience. I felt inherently lost. So I tried to describe my experiences via weird stories no one really could grasp. Totally understandable, because I didn't know what was real and what was not. During one week, 4 years ago - it is still so vividly present in thoughts - there was something that had however decided that it couldnt live anymore, call it ego death whatever. It felt like... hm let's use the analogy of the caterpillar and the butterfly. The caterpillar started to pop out of its cocoon. My main issue was: I couldnt grasp the hell how "I" could make it from one side to the other side, better said you cant know! I had no clue that I would be safe on the other side. Its like the Caterpillar not knowing that he would be the butterfly when let go of the cocoon, so the process was so damn hard in a way of the self or Ego not knowing "where it would go", so I tried to make sense out of it in thoughts, because it felt like "I didnt know where to go after this process", so it became pretty painful for me. I always thought about it as a process from one point to another point, which quite frankly didnt make any sense to the mind or self, because the only way for the self was to "die" in order to see whats already there. Like to quote Rumi here: "Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." I didnt get that, except for @Brimstone, who said the Truth was knocking at my door. I felt like I was just at the mercy of an ongoing process that felt like I had no control over and I would go insane and so each and every second of "letting go" was so painful because I always thought "THATS ME MAN FUCK I DONT WANNA DIE, STAY HERE", feeling like with each passing day the self was automatically let go of without me being able to control anything. I didnt understand it so I tried to grasp with the mind. Mind cant grasp. This brought about the deepest suffering I have ever experienced, because it's like death but you resist it so that is what makes it the fuck ungraspably painful. The suffering is completely...unnecessary. If one embraces the Unknown they will find themselves in much better light afterwards. Dont choose suffering, choose freedom, choose feeling above thought. @Nahm

Would like to quote Adyashanti here: "As soon as you can let go of what was, and the way you thought it was going to be, and who you thought you were going to be, how that was going to secure everything. The sooner you let go of that, even thought it’s kind of behind you already…. the sooner you allow it to be gone, because you see you are transforming…." "You know those romantic ideas of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly…. used in spiritual books, the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and becomes a butterfly. What happens in that cocoon? The caterpillar goes “what the hell, it was not a good idea to weave this damn thing. This is not a cocoon, it’s a coffin.” The transformation starts to happen. “Oh my God, I am not going to be the same person I was when this finishes.” You don’t know where it’s going. There is no relation between a caterpillar and a butterfly. A butterfly is not a flying caterpillar. Caterpillars and butterflies don’t have much to do with each other. There is a transformation at the seat of your consciousness that happens. And the transformation is like what I am describing. As it is happening, there is a fear and reaching back to how it was. The way forward seems so blind, doesn’t it? You have no idea. You are moving into a new way of being that you have no operating manual for. You had a good operating manual for the dream state. Highly functional, illusory egoic self. At least you knew how to function in the dream state. That makes it even more weird, when that whole thing starts to transform. I understand that. Don’t imagine that where you feel yourself to be now…. that’s not the destination point. You are already moving through it. You can only go through it, there is no going back."

Awakenings hitting hard this time. The universe wants me to finally see that my suffering is full of shit. Once more I got triggered, but this time I just sat down and inquired instead of blindly following stories about a self: For a long time now, I've got some triggers whenever it is about "me" as a person. I often get triggered when someone asks me about how "I" survived my suffering and stuff like that. Then oftentimes a feeling is triggered that doesn't resonate. Or rather a thought about a self generally DOESNT resonate. As if it the question was about someone "I am not" or someone "who" suffers. That lead to utter confusion. A question about a separate self didnt resonate anymore. Unlike back then, 4 years ago, questions about a separate self still seemed to resonate. Then suddenly, on one day, thoughts about a separate self stopped resonating. AM I really the ONE who suffered? WHO got better? WHO handled this and that well? The trigger is about a "self" that "gets better", a thought about myself. I looked around. Is there really a self that gets better or is there just awareness observing the thought of a self that "went from miserbale to getting better". Obviously when the questioner asked me about "me" the thought triggered smth in me. It triggered the belief that there is someone other "than awareness". Because of what I would call the ego death Ive had 4 years ago, the belief in a separate self "DOESNT RESONATE" ANYMORE. Ahhh okay okay okay. Now were getting close.... And because Ive had this "painful" not understood realization about "not having a separate self" or that didnt exist in the first place, everything that is about a separate self triggers a feeling of dissonance. All that needs to be done is being now. I've always been now. Always will be.

Whatever I go through, whatever this is - I know I am not so stable ever since things have changed, whatever changed (look at my history 4 years ago). Thoughts are there that feel so utterly traumatizing that I wonder if there is a limit to suffering one can endure. I am doing that to myself but I dont know why and what the root cause is. I have no clue what this is all about. I feel like my perception of reality is so warped because my monkey mind is non-stop in a loop of analyzing existential questions I think I must answer in order to become happy, when all it needs is the choice to let go. There is no will to let go. Which will soon change because it always has in the past when I didnt know any longer what to do. Then things just fell into place somehow. But I am so sick feeling like I am not in control of my well being (at least thats what I believe). Tonight my subconscioust portrayed my life during sleep very well: I was sleeping as I slowly felt like something took the blanket trying to suffocate me and choke me (in my dream). Right before going to bed I turned on a Mooji video, it was still running and I could hear him talking basically during the entire nightmare. I was at least aware of him talking. It kinda helped surrender to the choking. Nevertheless I woke up with palpitations. I am well aware that my beliefs are far from being healthy. I always believe smth is wrong with me and that this is all destiny and the way its supposed to be. Well life gives you exactly what you wish My night sleeps are currently lasting around 4-5 hours...then working 8 hours being completely in a daze knowing that thoughts and my mind can basically make me go insane if I want to. What I need now is having a sense of control. I feel like this spirals down into smth not healthy. Because I always think I am the mercy of my mind and this belief is just so sick. Really. I dont want to feel like that.

Thanks so much. You're so kind.

I woke up the middle of the night now with racing thoughts about myself after a nightmare in which I felt the same, constantly questioned who I am and couldnt answer anything that would bring me freedom whatsoever, now I feel fear, doubt, worry, clouding my sense of self, like I cant pinpoint what I am or who this is, again based on this foolish belief that smth is wrong with me (dont ever go to bed with such beliefs). Then I look in the mirror feeling like the heck is this guy (yeah it has some Depersonalization Features). I want this to end so bad. It's like yesterday you see through it, today you dont feel anything what you understood back then and now you are kinda locked into one view again and THIS is of course the ONLY one and correct perspective (sure mind...). Now I believe smth is wrong with me again. And I cant by any means rationalize logically why I believe it or like see everything is fine. Huge belief is that I somehow have to fix this part of me which believed smth has been wrong for so long. Another belief (which feels hella discordant...) is that Im maybe doomed and this was always the way its supposed to be. Another belief is that maybe I just surpressed that I am crazy and never admitted that I have delusions that basically have nothing in common with reality. Another thing that freaks me out is how easily one can get sucked in back into delusion and as soon as Im deluded nothing really seems to reach in a sense of gaining control over the situation. As soon as conscious letting go happens...I can focus. I believe delusion is my default state of living. The fuck... Again, I tend to believe that I have no Control over my issues at all. Which gives me a feeling of Powerlessness (that's the way I felt throughout the entire day tbh). Another belief is that I feel like I am totally crazy whenever I lose touch with Truth. I start judging myself, lose any rational self-reflection and function merely on auto pilot. This is a fucking nightmare. Like how is one supposed to function like that. I believe I can only and will ever function properly if I am fully conscious of everything that goes on in this moment. Otherwise thoughts tend to be so damn seductive. I am currently aware that I have never really dug into my delusions, but never felt the need to do so, just kinda "sensed" that I am living with some bad programming underneath. Like... @Nahm once said in a message trace back your belief and the fear aligned with it and see that is has no relevance NOW. But again, that is what thought tells me...maybe it is not true...maybe there is nothing to fix. Another belief is that I feel like I have to go into the past and "revisit" my old self''s view and kinda work through old memories and realign, solve the way I perceived things and where I believe lies the root issue. Which feels hella discordant with a feeling of being utterly "stuck" in the past. Which makes no sense. But I realized during work "dude you are so damn unconscious again, you ruminate again, you know where this ends, just stop...",...thoughts came up "I cant, Im doomed, there is no way out"...And instantly believed...feeling the discordance (feels great hmmm, the old mud, shitty feeling, thats what I like), would say that's doubt on the emotional scale. This is so easy stuff, and I dont know, but since I have directly faced what it can lead to NOT being directly conscious OF what is going on in thought, I am much more vulnerable and sensible "sensing" that smth feels off and I instantly react in an inappropriate way I guess. I am also much more often seduced back into belief and delusion. Because it just seems so familar. And true. And yeah. I believe I completely lack awareness of my emotions tho. I believe that I "dont need it, never needed it, why would you now use it, why would it help"...I also realize that I am staying ignorant because I always believed I had already figured it all out anyways, which certainly I do not have, I just suddenly stopped using it because I felt like nothing helps anyways. Which is pretty stupid. I believe that 4 years ago smth clicked inside me, and only before that I was a well "functioning and feeling" human being, and that I am now not in control about anything anymore. Another feeling is jealousy, I am jealous of people having it a bit easier mentally and I keep running in circles. Then I feel blame, especially about myself because on the one hand I feel just shitty but then I know I am responsible for my own happiness. I also feel guilt about leaving my loved ones doubting about my mental state. I tend to feel like a burden. Srsly this cant be it, can it? One cant be destined to suffer or find no way out, I cant believe that, yet I do? Ive had a gf for like 2 years, I didnt have one single thought about all this existential stuff at all. But here and then the belief that smth is wrong with me was running its course underneath it all, because I always felt so different from everybody else, like someone "fluid", not someone with a constant "sense of self" but rather I felt like I could decide whoever I wanted to be in any situation. I am just so very lost between who I was and who I want to be, one could literally say it is an identity crisis at its best. The new I is merely established, nor directly seen. The old I, nah, its nothing I want to be anymore. When you dont have anything to really ground in, you even feel a bit alienated from your body... because your identity is basically just built around discordant beliefs that smth is wrong with you. I feel like I can choose who I want to be. But I kinda dont want to take responsibility and prefer creating stories about myself rather than facing the fact that I am responsible for what I am thinking and feeling. PS: I think its the anxiety talking at the moment. Just using it as expression.

Hey, 4 years ago I kinda shifted from being "thoughts" to observing them, identifying with "self" in my mind didnt really make sense to me anymore. Observing meaning, not via an observer, but via being observation itself. An observer couldnt be "created" anymore. It was painful and I was close to going insane (whilst knowing I wouldnt) that time, at least I was suffering like hell because there was no sense of a "constant" self anymore (leave aside Depersonalization, I know what it is like to be DP'd, it's completely different). I felt great when I didnt fell for the belief that smth was terribly wrong and I was totally present. All problems vanished as soon as I was empty of beliefs. Still, beliefs were there that smth was wrong, I wasnt normal or why I was switching so heavily between perceptions and "two realities", whilst one perception felt like it was slowly peeled off of my "real self". This peeling off felt painful because it felt like I literally peeled my "self" off haha, like seriously it felt like dying and I resisted it so much because I had no clue what happened. Hence the process was hell. I still cling to the hell I was going through leaving me utterly confused because I tend to define myself via "the one who has some terrible unknown mental disease". Whilst there are days when I'm the most loving and kind person ever and I am known for my passion (belief-free days ay). I didnt find answers in psychiatry or therapy. I was aware that smth is strange, but being aware THAT smth is strange just excluded me from most diagnoses. Im diagnosed OCD tho. In thoughts, concepts, mind, beliefs this was going on: It felt like there was no "solution", nothing to solve, I felt like it was an inevitable process going on, any answer I wanted to find via materialistic terms or mind (thought), lead to a dead-end. You know when you want to feel better or get over smth, Depression or smth like that, you can kinda picture yourself in the future "yeah Im getting over it and feel great". Thinking that way was basically a dead end for me. There was "no one" to get better anymore. So I ran, ran, ran in the woods till my heart was pumping, sweat was dripping down my head - to shake the feeling off that my self is going to disappear. I meditated trying to create someone, trying to feel secure. Nothing helped literally, I couldnt create anyone anymore. It was hell. I felt lost, trapped, stuck. And I fell for the belief that "I died" when the process started leaving me even worse because I was still there communicating with everyone. I felt like, the more time passed, the more the past and future "couldnt define" what I am anymore. I felt basically "lost in time", suspended in time, for my mind, it felt terrible, and Im still shaking recalling it. I was so deluded. Literally so damn deluded. Reflection: I was/am stuck in thoughts about myself (which seems kind of non sense at the moment), I was just resisting Truth and so the unfolding became unbearable. It was like a nightmare. I tried to understand what happened. I couldnt. Mind came to an end. Thoughts couldnt grasp anymore. Resistance was there 24/7 for like 2 years. So I had to go look outside of thought. The only thing that could define was presence. I had to subtract "my self" from "myself" or wash my self off myself in order to feel like I "gained" back control. The thing is though, I am still kinda stuck and I feel not ready to face what I had been going through. It was a hellish trip, any memory of it basically brings me back to the perception of the one who was "suffering" and basically "dying". I feel like it has left quite big scars tho. I kinda surpressed it and continued living as if there was nothing going on whilst going depressive, anxious, lethargic, apathetic and living like the most loving person with great awakenings. Still the story was lingering in the background and I feared it. Because I thought I was the protagonist, the trapped one, the stuck one, the one that saw no solution. When all it needed was letting go. I didnt do it. When the Truth was knocking at the door I said "no thanks", preferred reasoning in thoughts about a deluded person which wasn't me in the end. Still I believe there is an "I" tho which makes it kinda more complicated. Any help would be appreciated. I am still stuck somehow in an inbetween. Thoughts about being crazy, stuck, identity are all over the place. Currently realigning.

I'm currently appreciating the little things so much. Just a hot cup of coffee on a rainy day whilst composing some new music feels great. I've watched some videos of Adyashanti about core beliefs. He mentioned "if you transcended it, but it keeps popping up, go into it, feel it and see it for what it is". I feel like that's the reason it still lingered in the background over all these years even though I had dozen of hours of meditation experience...the belief I always avoided to face, the belief that smth is wrong with me, why I felt like I shouldnt be here anymore, just the mere fear...

Nope havent tried anything because I believed so deeply that this "cant be healed", so nothing would work anyways for me... Yeah thats the only way...

I want to feel unconditionally happy. I am already creating music and my debut EP is on the way. I just wonder again what the hell has driven me to be sucked into such a delusion. I was creating hundreds of threads here on the forum, just wonder if I was psychotic all the time?

Yes. I feel guilt not having listened to feelings earlier. Literally. I was living in a self-made Nightmare not understanding what I was doing to myself. All these years I spent figuring out whats wrong with me, living in a story.

Someone can say it was like a bad trip without knowing it was one and keep living the delusion. I hope I can get back somehow and integrate these years into Truth. Because it feels so surreal, like a death, like waking up to my higher Spirit.

My awakening started 2017. I always defined myself through my head and was an overthinker. My childhood wasnt bad, though some manipulations by my brother and some family events lead to a fairly low self-esteem. The first half of that year (2017), stress bottled up and I got severely derealized and depersonalized. Through sport and kind of thinking myself "inside the now", I overcame the debilitating symptoms and panic attacks. Till that point I rarely meditated. I didnt know what it was, nor havent I had any spiritual understanding whatsoever. 3 months later something happened. Whatever it was, it was a shift. I could no longer identify myself through my mind, like I was directly turned into my true nature, thoughts were believed aka "I really died". I switched through phases of seperate self believing I really died that day of the shift, discordant thoughts and true nature that could see through all this. I kept myself sane through: "if I was really dead, I wouldnt be experiencing all this." I just KNEW and FELT WHO "I" was. But I couldnt fight the seperate self with reasoning. I headed to the psych ward trying to put it into words: "I dont know, a part of me died, it makes no sense that Im here anymore, why is this happening", I left because I felt like no one would understand either way. I've never felt suicidal though. Feeling aligned with the now washed it all away. In these moments I told myself: "Never ever will I do this, Im feeling this peace, its here, Im fine." So many questions based on a false sense of self. I talked to a therapist, telling him "it feels like I shouldnt be here anymore", it wasnt ME saying that, it was based on a belief and a misunderstanding. 4 years later and reading through all my forum threads saying "that I died 4 years ago", in this moment I can say: nothing died. My false sense of self died. And I didnt know what happened. It was a great misunderstanding. Now all emotions come up, cleaning up, my body is shaking, because I believed all this nonsense. I feel tears, sorrow come up, guilt and shame for putting people and myself through this. I never had a teacher or someone that understood what I was going through. This false sense of self has manifested in various forms in my body through immense suffering, bottled up emotions, and nevertheless the delusion "that I died" that was never seen through and just believed. I also believed this "false sense of self" was connected to my body, and hence that "I" died, "I" couldnt concentrate on my breath, because this body "is just a part of this delusion." Beliefs have so much power. As leo said, they block consciousness in a way. Yep. They do. And they kept me in a space of total utter detached seperateness. The last days were tough. I was so deeply caught up in the false sense of self that I thought I'd be a special case of psychological illness and there will never be a cure for my illness of me believing "I died". Suffering was so intense that I could barely work and sleep. Currently I am seeing through, I feel like a deep part of me is laid to rest, a puzzle piece lining up. Though living with kind of two "identities" was crazy painful to an extent which cant be put into words, extremely traumatizing too. Im crying reading the threads knowing what suffering I've gone through because just of a misunderstanding and not knowing what happened. I googled psychosis, schizophrenia, some unknown illness, never found anything satisfying or relaxing whatsoever, because I've never experienced hallucinations, visions, hearing voices. Thoughts were believed, but only because it was believed that "something is wrong" with me. When I am/was in that state, nothing could connect to me, not the breath, not any kind of emotion. This sense of "second reality" which was based on false belief was surpressed and never faced eye to eye, I just panicked as soon as it popped up in my consciousness when I was meditating. Members of this forum washed my head several times: "Everyone else on the path is letting go of beliefs about identity. You’re actually trying to construct an identity, from a a past experience, which you yourself didn’t like. Again, this is very simple. You believe you’re experiencing pain. You’re not. You’re experiencing suffering. The story doesn’t make sense. Let it go. Move on." I can agree. I am currently in a safe space but it has left deep scars inside of me, I feel slightly detached and depersonalized from my body. Special thanks to @Nahm for connecting me to my emotions during my darkest days lately.

But this identity, it makes no sense, at least to me anymore, my mind is freaking out, Ive been sitting for days now shivering at the thought that I dont exist. Its not a thought. Its like I sit, a story comes up, an 'I' is attached, this story belongs to "me" then, but the fuck, this ME is not there. I dont know anymore. Its like I cant undo this realization anymore. I mean this story identity also feels so much like me. What the fuck am I then? My mind tries to find an identity, but just the meaning "identity" triggers it too. It's currently like awareness vs. the believing Im the mind, but what am I ?! I feel like Ill be the only one left when letting go.

Same. I feel so damn damn damn lost. Knowing I have greatly an impact on that too.

Why are delusions even created in the first place? Like in my case there is entire belief-system/identity created just in order to belief I am the mind.

Last days I kinda spiralled down into a thought loop including "that smth inside of me died 4 years ago", "cant relate to anyone" whilst not feeling like I have a self to observe the thoughts, believing that Im my mind. This part was always lingering in the back of my mind. Like I always knew when I focus on this part of my mind I'd go crazy. I could somehow let it pass everytime and stick with the good feeling. But now it has taken the upperhand. Like srsly, I feel like Im destined. I cant handle my thoughts, nor this part of my mind anymore. What freaks me out is that those are MY thoughts meaning Im doomed in my reality. Really im a innocent Guy and I dont know the fuck why Im so obsessed with these thoughts, they create such a distorted perspective of my reality. Its like a part of me died and im so so so prone to believe that. I feel like Im trapped in thoughts that dont relate to this reality at all, that makes no sense , I feel like Im trapped in the past selfs perspective, like the part that died somehow. I am also trapped in the belief that I may be destined to suffer - because this part was always there even in phases where I felt good, I knew I could switch to it easily, but I intentionally wanted to feel good. Simultaneously I dont know who "I" am. Like everything is so distorted. It was just a matter of time till it explodes like this. Im also ready to see a doc.