Nadosa

I really need continuous help during this transition, I realized it is just not a one time thing for me, as my gut feeling tells me. A rigorous practise every morning conflicts with my daily work routine as I work shifts. I also applied for therapy as I still dont know what's going on inside and with all this "yeah that's me, no problems at all, unconditionally happy" vs. "I am crazy and sick, no one can be happy just like that, you just pretend to be happy, fix your issues first and your incurable mental health". Monkey mind is on fleak every day. And its energy draining. I can go from "life is great, soothing" to "what the fuck is this" within split seconds. That's been the case since my last heavy suffering peak. I know that it will eventually calm down. It is hard. Because I just want to be freaking normal not switching identities like a schizophrenic like dude, as Adyashanti said in his book: "The Ego may resist this dissolution with everything it has. It may bring out the entirety of its arsenal." "The I got it, I lost it" phenomenon is the struggle between our true nature and our imagined sense of self...This can be very disorientating and can feel schizophrenic in a way."

What makes me often weirdly question everything is based upon the belief I am SOMEONE who is CRAZY because I KNOW i can be unconditionally happy. Thoughts come saying: THATS NOT POSSIBLE. YOURE ILL, YOURE SICK. That's a huge factor of not being able to let go fully...

What actually pretty much provides a flow of consciousness and being is just asking "WHO feels it, WHO is letting go, WHO thinks" - I then see clearly "NO ONE" thinks, giving me IMMENSE relaxation and a feeling of peace.

As you wish.

What do you mean by initiation?

That what I know now saves my sanity and life. It's basically a moment to moment thing. I know via self observation that no fear can ever touch me so bad that I cannot rise beyond it anymore. My psychological resilience is out of this world. Im questioning day by day how the hell I manage to even keep my Hobbies, job, Friends in tune with the daily adventure. I am. I know 4 years ago something happened. The fear of death just overwhelmed me to a point where I thought that I go insane. I kept going. There was something. A Truth. Something beyond everything that kept me going. Even though this fear or this death kept me under steady stress. Unconsciously dedicating my way of life. Basically I was very ignorant 4 years ago, what would have been different...i dont know. I still am ignorant because I rather choose suffering and rumination over just the one obvious thing: living the life I want.

This what has been happening feels very much what Adyashanti described as crossing "the point of no return", ever since it started I have an absolute terrible fear of not being able to go back anymore, I feel Truth penetrating every inch of suffering nevertheless no matter what I do, it just has no mercy. I can go insane. But in the end I just am. Just that what I describe as "I shouldve died" is just a thought trying to explain that smth died whatever it was. Thoughts dont really refer to a "me" anymore as I can access bliss if wanted, even in the most surreal situations. Of course, for example Rupert Spira says, it is a tremendous change for the body-mind. That's what I sense too. That was has been identified as "me" just seems to be not even real if closely inquired, a thought merely, and was has been arising are just thoughts all the time. So no matter what thoughts say - I will always remain untouched.

Thanks!

What do you mean?

Sorry?

Good question. Because they seem to be kinda out of place. The thing is I am aware of it. Which is scary. Because they can make me feel like a complete different person. I know I have the power to choose them or not. Or believing as you wish. It's like you lived in hell and now you kinda realized hell is in thoughts and you suddenly gain your Soul back and see the mess is already there.

They would maybe stop the constant thought stream.

At first there were two. It felt like one died - I believed it was me - I thought I died - Memories are clinged to the unfinished transformation and the "dying" self. I am here and now. Who is here now? It is me. I am currently observing how memories and thoughts spiral around "me" that apparently "died", I can just look at them and can see them for what they are. They bring up a huge wave of confusion, the story around it feels like "I am not supposed to be here", I cant deny the feeling, it is there and is hella confusing, it is a fear but also worry and doubt about not being "a normal person". I know what thoughts can cause if not remembered what they are. just thoughts, tho they also feel like somehow time related: the more time passes, the more the "I" of the story gets confused about its death and being still here, it is like a letting go process of "me". Questiones arise: was the story ever real? I mean it was experienced and still has been very vividly experienced for 4 years now. I can also say that it would be not wise to suffer from it, because it's just thoughts playing their game. Yet the feelings feel so "dying, letting-go of-like", like as if a part of me died long ago, that I sometimes hardly believe it's "just thoughts" but maybe there is something else playing inside of me. I know going inside of the story doesnt help much, feeling the story doesnt either - it cant be resolved, only seen for what it is. In the end I will let go either way...because I love life too much...Maybe I am already whole?

It's the idea of me that dies.

Yeah I guess that's the reason I didnt die and am still here. Somehow I always come back to...my self.

Hope so. Sometimes yes, sometimes I feel quite insecure. Because I've always needed security and knowing, that's the way it's always been my entire life. Then suddenly this security web crashed down 4 years ago and I was asked to just surrender and "not know" and to stop ruminating because the process required a huge letting go of everything I thought I was and a "not grasping" because yeah it was like falling out of a plane, the old ways of thinking and believing feel like they died off long ago... Now as soon as I go back to rechecking the process I feel like so crazy as if I'm dying off my oldself and it can truly drain me.

I fear everything that is going on. I can switch from being in total mind-nirvana to being the movie screen, sometimes I go from the movie screen to the tv screen to Smartphone screen, to lala-land inside lala-land. Can i please stop having that knowledge. It makes EVERYTHING TOO easy so that I desperately try to find flaws in it.

For two months Ive been on intense mood swings. I dont feel like stable at all. I go from infinite flow states, to infinite terror, but there is nothing stable inbetween. I sometimes fear having thoughts about myself, because I dont know what I am. I just try to accept everything happening, I dont know how to describe. I am pretty stable when people are around me. For some time I had an intense urge just to sit by myself. Then there were thoughts that made me quite delusional. Then I figured they were delusional. And now I am here and my body is between shaking, depersonalizing and restlessness. Ive not known what "normal" is for two months now. I just never got checked by a doc before. But Im slowly starting to see that maybe mentally smth is not quite right.

I've heard from students of Culadasa who had Schizophrenia could actually just let their voices be and observe them. So I don't buy your belief.

Nah its just smth I cant really explain. It is either like I am totally at peace or I am totally in question about everything. I dont know WHO I am, I just know I am. Sometimes thats what keeps me living. It is not smth that can be explained logically to a specialist. Because when I try, all I come up with is a story that is not about me anyways.

Yes.

Allowing everything to be as it is, that's the way how I survive everyday. What was experienced, wasn't something of the normal kind. The experience, that something is missing in me and slowly and steadily got lost more and more over the past years isn't something I made up. That's what was and still is experienced. I dont know who I am and who I was back then, who it is that is writing this post, compared to the one that wrote a post 4 years ago, when everything started. There is a feeling of confusion and fear. The experience of not knowing and not being able to identify with the one who started here posting about a feeling of "dying" - is crippling. The feeling of wanting to identify the one again is not really pleasant either, because the one is dead, it tends to create a panic, it feels discordant, as if a part of my soul just stopped existing. Then there is the feeling of it playing all just in thoughts vs it being a "real" "memory-time-experience". It makes me feel like a fool. But it is whatever smth that was experienced. People ask how I am, what do I feel like - I could never answer the question the same as before the awakening. Just a crippling wave of confusion, of a bittersweet sense of loss. There is no sense of I anymore, and if, then I just pretend to be "I", knowing inside everything looks torn and wild. There is no stable ground. Maybe I have lost a part of my soul, maybe I am doomed, maybe there is a demon playing shit games inside of me, but it is what it is, and everyone has to struggle with their own minds. I know Ive been at war with myself for 4 years, I can go crazy if I want, I can relax if I want to, I have the power to just go insane and not feel good. And having the sense to be able to go down that road drives me mad too. I feel like a misfit. I can endure enormous states of suffering because I know the impermanence of it. Its crippling, I hate knowing that. I prefer not having to experience that at all. I desperately try to find a common ground with other people and reframing for my current condition. I try to reframe it as "its just all in thoughts" just to kinda get connected to my Friends and Family at least for a bit. Meditation is a life raft for me. I see no light yet, just being in the midst of a storm and ducking seems to give me a sense of relief. However I am myself tired of ranting. Its been the same for 4 years and no amount of letting go and meditation can shed a light on it. I always end up as "Me" being doomed. As much as I appreciate every single help, I always find myself getting back into "something is missing". Or maybe im just tricking myself here. I just wish I could do stuff people do in my age, they go drinking, partying, live their lives, whereas my mind is just spinning thoughts around who I am as soon as I wake up. Feeling like I die to a new self everyday, perceptions shifting in all directions, sense of self is not located in the body but somewhere in space whereas thoughts just are that making me feel like everything I write is a bluff anyways. Then I try to go back to normal, but its a point of no return. Trying to look at my past self, I wouldnt tell him everything would be fine, because he just ends up being more confused than 4 years ago. Still hope tho. Got some books ahead. Course in miracles.

Sometimes the little me comes on, and it says "I died, why am I still alive", which leaves me utterly confused, last time nearly psychotic, I transcended it tho. Now I know what I am. But the more time passes (in the paradigm of time passage and a person in time), the more the little me gets confused about it. I know this is all just the mind spinning around what was experienced. But what was experienced was actual. Because i cant sometimes explain what i feel. Other than: a part of me died and in the Paradigm of old thinking and believing there is a thinker, this "part" feels like "me". Which makes letting go so much harder as soon as I am not occupied entirely (for example when I was with my ex girlfriend or my passions etc).

I Just wish i knew what is happening. This entire process is soo intense.

I Just meditated and I felt like every thought was just not true. Suddenly I felt like who the hell am I, because I believed every thought is about "me", and I started like having intense fear. I dont know these times are tough.