Nadosa

It is absolute crazy. Like there is what is. Which is absolutely true. Then there is something I believed was true which also feels like me but cant be true as it is just arising.

Exercising is slowly reintegrated again - I really dig how the body likes push ups, pull ups, they keep the body in shape and I feel refreshed after it. I do them whenever I see something to pull with both hands, it's also a good grounding exercise. Today I also started with 1 hour just sitting - I realize this is not really a journey, but radically seperating what is real from what is not real. And all that is real is simply here and now. It gives me a soothing feeling. I also realized that I drowned in psychosis because I couldn't distinguish what was real from what wasn't, all because of a lack of radically embracing of WHAT IS. There is not really a reason as I mentioned why I developped psychosis (I just label it like that as in believing and taking thoughts and stories more seriously than what is REAL). I dont think either labelling makes so much sense in that case - as it just keeps alive another "someone". The entire concept of a "me" still leaves me utterly confused. I dont know who I am. And questions around "me" just dont lead anywhere. I can definitely say: I cant be thoughts. And that realization alone gives me the power to decide over my well-being. All I know is what keeps me here SANE and HAPPY is just BEING with what is. I dont know "WHO" is being, all I can say is that I AM FINE with JUST BEING with everything that arises. I know some things and stories just feel so discordant BUT ALSO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ME (I still believe it has smth do with the separate self...however I leave the labels aside for now...) because I wouldnt have just focused so intensely on it without a reason...the story felt like smth that has been once TOO real for me. The other reason I believed in those thoughts was...they didn't feel just bad, they felt like terrible, insane, and on the Top of it like I was literally dying or as if it was all about me (cant really explain...), so I just wanted to know what they were about. Of course, you can't figure it out with thoughts on top of thoughts... What really keeps me connected to you guys is being with what is... Is there really a question of anything other being real than what is? No. I dont feel like it. Tho knowing that I can go insane because there is smth that once felt like "it is me" still lingers there and if not made conscious, can lead to IMMENSE suffering. This is still one of the hardest chapters of life. A good man once told me: "The truth of Emptiness is deeply frightening to the ego, because understanding this truth completely dissolves and dissuades the ego. Just play! There's nothing else to concern yourself with. EVERYTHING is playing the drums... but you miss this because you're intent on looking for something else. Being a musician is playing the drums, being a nurse is playing the drums, becoming a doctor is playing the drums, not becoming a doctor is playing the drums. Don't stop playing the drums no matter what comes up, and don't think about it. JUST PLAY THE DRUMS" I am a drummer btw

Haha❤️

All is pointing to it. Meditation. And Im gonna be fine. I started feeling good as soon as I started Meditation. Not my GF, not any other circumstances. But utter will to be who I always have been. It makes sense. For two years I havent posted here. Because I was fine. I was meditating..i was outgoing. I was doing pickup. I was doing my drivers license. I was moving out. Got my exams ready.

What I also realized: during the relationship with my ex girlfriend, this story was basically non existent + as soon as I heavily meditated and had a profound self-realization. What it felt like was basically: "Welcome back home Phil"... with tears of joy. And I dont know the Story was there basically and still triggering but not so intensely anymore. I felt like I was just prioritising being "myself" and not wanting to move away from that with the knowing I am always secure in being myself no matter what comes. Thoughts frame it kinda like "your girlfriend was the cause of your realization, now youre lost and doomed". Whatever, they so full of bluff. I just have to take Meditation and shove it up my ass no matter what!!

Today I worked on a christmas Song with ma mate..Im doing better. I notice early in the morning observing feels a bit easier then later in the day. Now I feel more nervous, and besides I feel fear and worry, which I tried to express, I feel a immeasurable amount of confusion and feat about thoughts that are apparently about "me" and thinking about letting them go kinda sets me in a state of panic. I know thats just the Ego feeling threatened in a way. What I want is just a sense of stability. Thoughts always come and want to declare then the 'climbing out of the mud and misery'. Faking and pretending appearing to be happening. Quote: The seeming claim "I am aware" is just another thought. The same old meaningless and empty voice in the head. The false sense of separate self loves "paths" and "mud". It will keep crawling out of the mud forever because that's part of the false identity and story. The imaginary path will look better at times of course but ultimately it's the same old shit. Mental stories about "me and my path", "me and my problems", "me and my fears and hopes" etc. There is no illusion to transcend. "Trying to transcend the illusion" is illusory. But it doesn't exist as some separate illusion that can be affected by an illusory doer (there isn't an illusory doer even). There can either be "illusioning" appearing to be happening, or the whole trickery is clear (not to the trickery) and it's not able to appear as a representative of "me". Mental phenomena can still appear but there is no one taking any of it seriously or as relevant in any way. Just fleeting appearances seeming to appear and disappear. Why do I feel fear revealing the voice as just being empty? Its so painful because I just sense its empty.

I know. And i dont even know what I want from you really - you give tips, but it's my part to finally come to terms with the hell is going on. I guess what I desire is just a bit of company, nothing more.

I really need continuous help during this transition, I realized it is just not a one time thing for me, as my gut feeling tells me. A rigorous practise every morning conflicts with my daily work routine as I work shifts. I also applied for therapy as I still dont know what's going on inside and with all this "yeah that's me, no problems at all, unconditionally happy" vs. "I am crazy and sick, no one can be happy just like that, you just pretend to be happy, fix your issues first and your incurable mental health". Monkey mind is on fleak every day. And its energy draining. I can go from "life is great, soothing" to "what the fuck is this" within split seconds. That's been the case since my last heavy suffering peak. I know that it will eventually calm down. It is hard. Because I just want to be freaking normal not switching identities like a schizophrenic like dude, as Adyashanti said in his book: "The Ego may resist this dissolution with everything it has. It may bring out the entirety of its arsenal." "The I got it, I lost it" phenomenon is the struggle between our true nature and our imagined sense of self...This can be very disorientating and can feel schizophrenic in a way."

What makes me often weirdly question everything is based upon the belief I am SOMEONE who is CRAZY because I KNOW i can be unconditionally happy. Thoughts come saying: THATS NOT POSSIBLE. YOURE ILL, YOURE SICK. That's a huge factor of not being able to let go fully...

What actually pretty much provides a flow of consciousness and being is just asking "WHO feels it, WHO is letting go, WHO thinks" - I then see clearly "NO ONE" thinks, giving me IMMENSE relaxation and a feeling of peace.

As you wish.

What do you mean by initiation?

That what I know now saves my sanity and life. It's basically a moment to moment thing. I know via self observation that no fear can ever touch me so bad that I cannot rise beyond it anymore. My psychological resilience is out of this world. Im questioning day by day how the hell I manage to even keep my Hobbies, job, Friends in tune with the daily adventure. I am. I know 4 years ago something happened. The fear of death just overwhelmed me to a point where I thought that I go insane. I kept going. There was something. A Truth. Something beyond everything that kept me going. Even though this fear or this death kept me under steady stress. Unconsciously dedicating my way of life. Basically I was very ignorant 4 years ago, what would have been different...i dont know. I still am ignorant because I rather choose suffering and rumination over just the one obvious thing: living the life I want.

This what has been happening feels very much what Adyashanti described as crossing "the point of no return", ever since it started I have an absolute terrible fear of not being able to go back anymore, I feel Truth penetrating every inch of suffering nevertheless no matter what I do, it just has no mercy. I can go insane. But in the end I just am. Just that what I describe as "I shouldve died" is just a thought trying to explain that smth died whatever it was. Thoughts dont really refer to a "me" anymore as I can access bliss if wanted, even in the most surreal situations. Of course, for example Rupert Spira says, it is a tremendous change for the body-mind. That's what I sense too. That was has been identified as "me" just seems to be not even real if closely inquired, a thought merely, and was has been arising are just thoughts all the time. So no matter what thoughts say - I will always remain untouched.

Thanks!

What do you mean?

Sorry?

Good question. Because they seem to be kinda out of place. The thing is I am aware of it. Which is scary. Because they can make me feel like a complete different person. I know I have the power to choose them or not. Or believing as you wish. It's like you lived in hell and now you kinda realized hell is in thoughts and you suddenly gain your Soul back and see the mess is already there.

They would maybe stop the constant thought stream.

At first there were two. It felt like one died - I believed it was me - I thought I died - Memories are clinged to the unfinished transformation and the "dying" self. I am here and now. Who is here now? It is me. I am currently observing how memories and thoughts spiral around "me" that apparently "died", I can just look at them and can see them for what they are. They bring up a huge wave of confusion, the story around it feels like "I am not supposed to be here", I cant deny the feeling, it is there and is hella confusing, it is a fear but also worry and doubt about not being "a normal person". I know what thoughts can cause if not remembered what they are. just thoughts, tho they also feel like somehow time related: the more time passes, the more the "I" of the story gets confused about its death and being still here, it is like a letting go process of "me". Questiones arise: was the story ever real? I mean it was experienced and still has been very vividly experienced for 4 years now. I can also say that it would be not wise to suffer from it, because it's just thoughts playing their game. Yet the feelings feel so "dying, letting-go of-like", like as if a part of me died long ago, that I sometimes hardly believe it's "just thoughts" but maybe there is something else playing inside of me. I know going inside of the story doesnt help much, feeling the story doesnt either - it cant be resolved, only seen for what it is. In the end I will let go either way...because I love life too much...Maybe I am already whole?

It's the idea of me that dies.

Yeah I guess that's the reason I didnt die and am still here. Somehow I always come back to...my self.

Hope so. Sometimes yes, sometimes I feel quite insecure. Because I've always needed security and knowing, that's the way it's always been my entire life. Then suddenly this security web crashed down 4 years ago and I was asked to just surrender and "not know" and to stop ruminating because the process required a huge letting go of everything I thought I was and a "not grasping" because yeah it was like falling out of a plane, the old ways of thinking and believing feel like they died off long ago... Now as soon as I go back to rechecking the process I feel like so crazy as if I'm dying off my oldself and it can truly drain me.

I fear everything that is going on. I can switch from being in total mind-nirvana to being the movie screen, sometimes I go from the movie screen to the tv screen to Smartphone screen, to lala-land inside lala-land. Can i please stop having that knowledge. It makes EVERYTHING TOO easy so that I desperately try to find flaws in it.

For two months Ive been on intense mood swings. I dont feel like stable at all. I go from infinite flow states, to infinite terror, but there is nothing stable inbetween. I sometimes fear having thoughts about myself, because I dont know what I am. I just try to accept everything happening, I dont know how to describe. I am pretty stable when people are around me. For some time I had an intense urge just to sit by myself. Then there were thoughts that made me quite delusional. Then I figured they were delusional. And now I am here and my body is between shaking, depersonalizing and restlessness. Ive not known what "normal" is for two months now. I just never got checked by a doc before. But Im slowly starting to see that maybe mentally smth is not quite right.