Nadosa

Thanks. Thing is, the ego backlash goes so far, that I start believing every thought again. I start believing that Ive done crap so far and that spirituality is crap.

Uncomfortable because I feel like I am not aware of a self that is aware of the moment, this leads to not being able to enjoy and experience it 100% what I am doing, I am witnessing the moment, as a detached entity (whatever it is).

Can anyone help me, I start detaching more from my body, like a selfless state and my mind argues more and more.

omg I have the same experiences, like no one there, just flowing through the moment without feeling conscious.

I dont know if it is because of my poor state of consciousness at the moment, but right now I feel like I have to either decide to listen to the ego what means going psychotic or doing some crazy shit or simply surrendering. My mind is on fire. It seeks and seeks for a self, but there is none, it seeks for itself, it believes itself has died, it feels like it revealed itself as being not real and now it tries everything to get back and it just so exhausting, so damn exhausting because there is no ground, no security, it is just a mere decision whether to live on your life surrendering the Ego. I get thoughts of "if I died what is aware now" which turns out into some crazy feelings I rather do not want to follow. This all feels so unnatural, something in my mind feels just broken. I dont know how to get back after knowing that there is no "I", I rather feel groundless. Every attempt looking in the mind is fatal. The thing is...slowing down the process isnt working because I am already, unconsciously so deep in it, there is no way out slower. At the moment, I still look for an appropriate meditation technique, some turn out into me zooming out, kinda leaving my body and watching it, even though I want to have a deeper connection to it.

Identifying with the self is horrifying, as soon as it has its grip on me, I feel like I have no control, suicidal thoughts creep in, but not really coming from a deathwish, it comes from a part where I see no way out when the self is active. Sooner or later when surrender happens, peace, or rather just absence of the self, but in the background there is always this sense of "no control" and "no identity". It makes me ill, physically and psychologically, especially when I try to seek a self unconsciously, it makes me sick, because this self wants itself dead or feels like it has died, so there is no one to seek, this can turn out into a pretty horrible deadlock, which I experienced today. The feeling of no control is really difficult to "handle" for me, because as soon as I want to seek stability by creating a self in my mind, those two parts, "self" and "no control" collide. I dont know what to do. How do I know awareness is truth and not the self?

I dont know if this is awakening. It just feels like a literal sacrifice of my self.

I am going to bed very nervously, should I meditate before sleep or in the morning?

It is really difficult to find a sense of stability, then there is the self saying "life makes no sense because I dont exist", the self feels equally "valid" as awareness. I dont know, this feeling of choice is killing me. There is peace. Then there is the self interfering, accordingly the peace feels false and all seems like a lie.

I get that, but both should be somehow in balance.

I just wish I would feel somehow, somewhere "whole" again, but I feel dissociated, not really from the body, but within my mind.

Hm, I sleep worse than normally and I also look more tired, but that is caused by existential anxiety.

Hey, so I haven't had such feelings in ages. But today, during class I felt very unaware and depressed. I was thinking, and thinking..and thinking...until I reached the depths and buried parts of my mind that got triggered...in a split second. Namely the panic attack parts, so I was sitting there thinking about self-inquiry etc, when suddenly, I thought about losing my identity and it triggered a hellish spiral of panicky thoughts. Dont get me wrong. I usually have my monkey mind under control. But in such situations...being forced to sit there, couldnt go outside the room..I felt so cornered just by the feeling itself. My hands got so sweaty and then of course I thought about what if I really freak out...and bam...more panicky feelings...what if I panick about life in general soon...what if..what if...I was so close to a panick attack. Fortunately, I am trained in impermanence. I was aware that I am going to move on from that part of the mind to another, more gentle one. But the moment itself, there, it felt like this is all true what I was thinking about. It feels like nothing is really true in my mind, everything comes and goes, even the I. But my body is very worn out from that experience. I really dont want to school again at the moment. Thinking about what could I have done better. I actually have no clue. I was thinking "calm yourself, put your attention back to the moment", what actually triggered more feelings of panic. I actually dont know why this part suddenly got so active again. I feel so vulnerable. Like I felt during depersonalization back then. I feel like I need a specifc level of consciousness and if I am under that level, things will get bad.

Hm...I am 20, actually social, people think I am a "womanizer" because I talk to many girls and people no matter what. I play drums in two bands. I dont know if I can drop it, because meditation is essential for my mental well-being. And yes, I might feel mentally ill, but I see no way out through modern treatments like meds or so, because I just cant see a way out using such methods.

I dont actually know why there should be issues. I go to therapy but I really dont know how it serves me. I recovered from anxiety, depersonalization and derealization, shortly after that, I got this existential crisis.

I actually noticed that I automatically fed into the thoughts. I had no choice not to. What does mindfulness serve for then? If I dont have a choice to follow a thought.

Thanks. I have also a very bad connection to my body. My mind is preoccupied with the belief that I cant connect to my body anymore because the "self" "died", so there is no self left being able to connect to the body. I feel foreign to the breath. How can I fix that?

That is not easy, you cant break bad habits that easy.

Boring.

I have done none of that. Just, in daily life, whenever I felt pain, I thought myself into a selfless state and the pain vanished...ironically. Maybe that was futile.

I have really doubts that Meditation can repair this fractured self.

I am doing very bad. The worst I have ever been. Like. My unconscious demons came to life. Literally. This fucking anxious and depressive feeling that I cant live as a self anymore. It is right here. And I can only resist it because I dont know how to handle it. Seriously I am on the verge of losing this battle, I am on the verge of losing all progress. My subconscious got triggered, now all comes to the surface. I am not ready. Not mindful enough at the moment. I tend to drift into "I can't do it, it is too much" mode. I can't do it because I believed so long I have had an ego death and my self can't exist anymore. An entire misconception. Now anxiety forces me to have a self, but I cant create one anymore.

I am still depressed and worn out. Just when the exams hit, this shit hits too. And I feel like I lost space within (cornered feeling).

I can't do neither because my monkey mind is labelling everything as panic worthy at the moment. Awful.

Because panic and anxiety are things that I left long time ago, I was busy dealing with my self and building a life as a person again, then something like that came out of the blue. I have already had a partial awakening. But today I was just panicky about being aware, awareness and perception of reality itself, that I made it a huge trouble.