Nadosa

Isnt it strange. It just feels like a trauma. Because I cant say whether these thoughts and feelings are true or not. But it isn't particularly thoughts either. It is just an explanation about my feelings. It actually makes me feel as if my feelings tell me to hold on to habits and not to let go. Letting go of a strong Ego always leads to sudden insanity for me.

I would not say thoughts. It is a deep buried habit accompanied with massive anxiety and delusion that I entertained lots of years, based on my person. I switched between habits like 10 times a day. Basically take the thought "I". 3 years ago I dwelled about "I", it just popped up randomly from the back of my mind (shorty after recovering from DPDR) and it felt as if there was no other way but to let "I" go. It felt like "a no return state". A no return to "normal". It felt like if I let go of that "habit", this person, I'd let go of "myself" and "die", thus I keep reidentifying with this habit, keep checking in. And it gives me the same feeling and story: "There is no I". Further story goes on in my head: "WHO is it then sitting here, if I am not here?" "This all makes no sense that I am here". The letting go of "dwelling" about "I" and my "person" ITSELF feels like "death". This is basically what I feel.

Uff, Nahm, I just meditated, and thoughts got triggered. Thoughts about my "identity-loss" and seeing-through about 3 years ago and I instantly felt like if I identify with them I might go crazy. But I did and my body instanty started zapping and shaking, as if it made no sense that I am here. Then of course I asked myself why do I have such delusions which brought on more anxiety. I mean I CANNOT DENY NOT HAVING THESE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I can recall them exactly as they were three years ago. How are they not part of me? Why shouldn't they be true? If they weren't true why do they still come and when I identify with them, they make me feel so "dead" about "my person"? Something happened 3 years ago and I am broken inside because I cant make internal peace with it. Something still lives on but it doesn't make sense for some part of my mind. It feels like I can only live without mind. I cannot logically pinpoint what I am or what is here. I AM DEAD. I DONT FEEL LIKE A PERSON. It is terrifying. All I know is, that it is irreversible. Two minutes of this story and my body feels sick to the bone. That's insane. And I cant stop but checking in about this because it all feels so "valid", "true". Maybe I have to suffer this life. Maybe that is my fate. Because I dont know how to deal. I live, but these mind attacks bring me to my knees, so bitterly the deeper I dive into them. I cant pinpoint why. But they feel like they are PART of my identity. The Truth is, I've been carrying this story with me for the last couple of years. I cant let it go. But it keeps me from forming a new "personality", because it leaves me caged and with a low-self esteem. Because there is no self. Even if I write it on a piece of paper "I am here and did not die 3 years ago", it is hard to believe that phrase without feeling strange.

Currently I am going through a pretty harsh awakening accompanied by lots of resistance.

I am currently about to become a male nurse (still in apprenticeship and I've got the opportunity to explore many different clinical areas) and currently work in the throat, nose and ear surgery. Due to Corona, surgeries have been reduced drastically, so the work. As a student, I am not a full time worker and I really appreciate not working during the weekend at the moment. But today the chef came up to me "sooo as you seem to be very bored and my friends at the infect infirmary are really busy right now, I offer you the following" and let me choose: either helping those out who really need help or staying and chilling. I am torn. Really. Because I might get infected very easily, all my current social contacts will be shut down even more. My girlfriend cried as we havent seen us at all the last months/weeks and now as the wave passes through Germany, she is even more afraid. On the other hand, I cant stand chilling if there is work to be done. Uff. Maybe a little advice here would be helpful

The thing is a story never felt as real as the one about 'I' dying. It felt so real. So real that it created kind of two realities. A selfless one where the story wasnt there but in the background. Another one where I was fully triggered and felt so unreal considering what I was experiencing. Meaning I wasnt fully able to be fully engaged with one because the triggered one was always lingering in the background triggering "uh wait there was a story and it is connected with your identity". I just dont know. It is still so deep embedded. I just cant let go.

I feel like I have to do some shrooms to get myself back together. Even though I dont feel so safe about it.

Thank you. I wish I could meditate and do some self-inquiry again. But I feel disencouraged and fearful, as if I cannot believe that I can ever liberate myself from thought. Because my story is there and popping up, beliefs etc. I cant let go of and am so attached to. I made it straight 2 weeks, but now my mind pulls itself back to distraction. It all feels like I want to suffer, even though I dont want to be triggered, I let it all happen...and then it again feels like there is no free will... Why am I afraid? Because the oscillations are so strong. Meditation can be such a bliss. But the switch to old habits is even stronger then.

So I instantly bought a white board. How should I formulate my desires etc?

Yes. If my mind looks for "I". There is no constant "I" there as a "personal identity". It rather feels like "pretending" to be one. What are the chances that my brain is kind of broken inside? Because just theoretically, I cant literally "think" myself out of this. Like imagine "me" being "healthy" and "happy" then. I know that is belief... conditioning...

I mean by that, that there is no one related to "me" and "I" to love. I cant find a "self" to be loved.

I just recorded some drums for my Songs. But unconsciously there was suffering and resistance not particularly because I was creating music, rather because I feel like I cant believe that I am actually okay and fine. Also things related to my self dont make sense. Self-Love. Who do I love? Because I dont actually feel like there is someone to love rather than this experience right now.

Thank you.

What I can add is. When suffering is on its peak. I can very clearly distinguish between "mind" and experience. Hence, choosing experience brings total selfless freedom. But as soon as mind changes to default thinking, I cant draw this distinction and mind feels like self. Just self-inquiry makes it possible. So I will order a dream board. Like a normal white board?

Thank you. It is a bit difficult to grasp what you're saying. I've already had a realization that I am totally responsible for my happiness, for what I want, for basically everything. That there is not even a need to believe thoughts.

One thing that makes me doubt so much. Is this one belief. That keeps popping up blocking all my energy. Basically I am aware that I lead a life of Resistance. Since then even more. Since this sense of "I" didnt make sense to "me" anymore. And somehow since this happened I've felt neurotic and like I am a stupid doll without any short-term memory and believe that I am kind of broken inside. Although I had times where I felt good, days after intense self-inquiry the mind always finds ways to doubt, like "why doing it if I dont even have a choice to do so". Then my energy and vibration automatically drops. Last time it happened when my mind kind of got lost in a story of "I dont know where I am" and I lost a sense of location. I kind of fear it now in my meditation that I lose sense of location. I kind of need a safe place in my mind again or somewhere else. I'd like to go beyond mind again to get a better perspective. Sometimes I am aware that I am pure openess. But still there is a deep resistance (not identified with) inside my stomach area. Which leads to doubts again. It is like I want to stay deluded. And I intentionally look for comments and forums and so on that disprove self-inquiry etc. Why do I do this?

Not rationality. Only direct experience can give you a taste of what you truly are.

Man I resonate so much with that.

Letting go. I dont know. Ive let go of the idea that "I" am alive, as seperate self. And just flow through life. And let things go. Whatever remains, I stay as that. And it kinda feels ok. Even though suffering still comes. Sometimes in heavy waves.

How can anything that comes and goes be you?

Yeah. I know. As soon as I feel seperate, I feel vulnerable and triggered. And then I resist "feeling seperate" which results in "not wanting to feel seperate" because I am aware that it is a state of resistance and not my nature. But it is kind of as if THEY are forcing me to be pulled back into my Ego. It is like I have to resist this pull. I feel this pull whenever I feel like I have to defend myself. I am so aware of it. Off-Topic: When Consciousness is not located in the body, why does it move with the body?

Man I experienced the same. Just without drugs tho.

I actually want to create music. But oftentimes I do it with people that trigger me unconsciously and then getting in a bad state, because some of them have way too high expectations and therefore they get angry, upset, mad whenever they are not satisfied with the outcome.

I mean how can I see that I am this and not that which is thinking it is it? I just cant make a clear distinction. Big issue also is that I believe there is no choice and why practise then.

I know. But then there so deep triggeres and thinking patterns that always try to find an identity. It is like I switch between two seriously different perspectives.