Vitamine Water

Sharing my current inquiry Conversation with myself. (sounds lonely as fuck by the way lol) Taking myself on a date ? Why am i meditating right now? What's the point? - I want to realise who I am Who are you? - silence. Who's asking? - silence. Mind comes to figure it out: I'm Wesley, maybe. Well, who's Wesley? - body, mind OK, am I my hand? - no. I am aware of my hand Who's aware of my hand? - silence What is this silence made of? - more silence (mind desperately wants to know) Absorb in this silence, be this silence. Its where all these questions end. Get used to getting no or nothing for an answer. Zoom in forehead/third eye. "The art is to Look without looking" . (Probs to random unknown you Tube guru) Ive been trying to find the video for a long time. Old guy, soft, wise voice giving a guided meditation. It starts to make more sense as the years go by. I will find you. And I will hug you.

Day 50 A recap of the last 50 days: Awareness of breath is slowly increasing. And I mean slowwwly, bacause its very subtle and nuanced. Its a general feeling. Whenever I become present during non meditative work (washing dishes, painting, showering, licking a dog, whatever) my awareness shifts to my breathing. Specifically the sensations in my lower belly and the rhythm of my breathing. Whereas before, my awareness would focus on awareness (no object). The difference is that im now able to hold that focus longer, because I have an object (breath) to focus my awarenes to. It becomes a focal point. Object focus meditation seems to be more effective when I'm doing "regular work". During meditation, I find myself being more comfortable with awareness-awareness. It becomes too much of an effort to focus on my breath, even when I try it very subtly. Breathing exercises induce a meditative state, rather quickly. With this I mean, a relaxed body, quiet mind and feeling of presence/being in the moment. With every breath I can sink deeper in the sensations in my body. It's especially noticeable when the exercise is over and I continue with the thing I was doing. My mind is calmer, more focused. I can maintain the awareness, but it usually doesn't last long. Belly breathing has become more natural . At first, it felt unnatural. I had to 'force' my belly in and outward. Right now it feels more natural and the breathing is automatic. But the deep breaths still need some more work. // What slows the proces down, what can I improve? - In order to increase overall awareness, the exercises need more intensity and focus. Meaning, longer duration and commitment. Not only focusing, but actively inquiring into breath: what does is feel like, rhythm, sensations, sounds, etc. I only did this inquiry once but that is not enough. If i want to improve, I have to know experientially what I'm taking about, no mumbo jumbo! (love that word btw). - duration: 15 minute minimum (not a strict line, more of a vague abstract border thing . - whats definitely holding the progress down is that my focus is scattered. And again, this is not a bad thing, I need to focus on other things too. I just need to find the right balance. But the more conscious I am, the happier I am. Or, the more conscious the ego is, the happier the ego is. Or, the more conscious consciousness is, the happier consciousness is. fuck. The feeling of being asleep at the wheel makes me uncomfortable. It's the reason I started this whole consciousness and self actualising journey in the first place. To not be on auto pilot, and discover who I am. - What also makes this process harder is that awareness and breathing is very nuanced. Everyday is different. Some days I'm more energetic, other days I feel a little down and uninspired. And what does it mean when I say: "awareness was good today!" like it's some kind of battle between good or bad. It's not a game. But in order to express it, it's inevitable to talk in duality and relativism. And my mind loves games. Playing the game consciously is key. - I will post on here during the day from now on. Normally I would post before bed but often times I'm too zoned out by meditation or I'm too sleepy. I need thoughs to write . I find it's a great therapy anyways, writing. My brain on paper ❤️ Have a good night dear friends! ???❤️???❤️??

Day 48-49 I must be careful not to half-ass the breathing exercises. I need to keep my attention and focus so that it doesnt feel like a chore. Reformulation of my goal for this challenge: increase overall awareness through breathing exercises.

Must be a sign...

Day 47 Yeah, productive day today. Worked on my website and did some other stuff. Ate a XL bag of Doritos in one go bacause I'm a good boy. There are too many facets in life it kinda numbs me out. The more I learn the less I know. It really feels like that. This train is moving so fast everyone just blacks out. Constant stimulation, news feeds, electronics, social stuff, work ethics, politics, stress, burnouts, Facebook, the list goes on. What the fuck are we really doing? So many people around me are stressed, have burnouts, are depressed. We're like ants on steroids. And god I want to help people so bad and Im trying my best to inspire people from what I know, but at the same time I know I'm no authority bacause I realise I'm full of shit too and Im Ignorant of so much. I have to work on myself first to help others. But sometimes I forget to take care of myself and treat myself in the process. I'm so capable of loving but I haven't yet shared it, it needs to come out. Complete the puzzle.

Short studie about biological clocks/"circadian rhythms" Shout out to our molecules ? https://www.nigms.nih.gov/education/pages/factsheet_circadianrhythms.aspx#:~:targetText=Biological clocks are an organism's,nearly every tissue and organ.

Day 46 The 13:00PM timestamp is doing well. I become present, look at the time and it's on or around 13:00. It's funny how this biological clock works. You repeat a certain pattern and the body(mind?) seems to automatically adopt to these new patterns. Same with waking up, you set your alarm to whatever and you follow that pattern for a few days and wake up at that axact whatever time (or around that time). It's also the same for meditation. Two years ago I did a solo retreat and meditated either 30 or 60 minutes continueously with pauses in between. At the end of the retreat I didn't need to set an alarm bacause I would naturally stop meditating after my body felt like the time had passed. And the 11:11 thing is also tripping me out sometimes. Maybe my mind just wants it to be something special. Idk. Time is weird. Mental constructions.

Day 45 Breath awareness is at a low point for the last 2-3 days. When I have busy days with work it throws me off immediately. I need more momentum for it to be a habit. That's why I need to keep doing the exercises everyday untill it becomes baked Into my brain. This morning I felt really tired after the workout routine and a little sick. Maybe my body is responding to this new routine. I remember also getting sick the first time I started doing cold showers and I quit. But imma push through this time ?

Day 44 Where are we when we stare? Who are when when we turn our eyes inwards, what do we find? What's hiding in there? What's looking outwards, really? Why is it hiding in plain sight? Where do I go when I look inside? It's the Unnamable place where I'm absorbed in. Becoming one. Looking inwards is the pointer to Truth. Re-editing. Mind Is coming back Bye bye

Day 42-43 Still going strong with qi gong and cold showers. I was exceptionally lazy when I came out of bed so it felt good to do some exercise and completely obliterate myself with a cold shower. Life is fun. Immediate effects of cold showers and qi gong: - Sense of accomplishment - (Short) energy boost - body is warmer after cold shower The last two days were busy and I forgot some of the breathing exercises. Tomorrow I'll be gone for the whole day too so we'll aim for a good morning workout and be as present as possible when I'm out. Totally unrelated fun fact: "Movie trailers were originally shown after the movie, which is why they were called “trailers”. The problem with the trailers showing after the film was that audience wouldn’t stay around to watch them, making the trailers rather ineffective."

Day 41 HOLY GUACAMOLE that cold shower was intens lol. But damn it gave me power. I really felt my body, muscles and I felt strong right after the shower because of the adrenaline rush, especially compared to my usual long and warm showers. I did my qi gong warming up beforehand so I was already a little energised. That made the initial decision to turn the cold water knob a little easier Barely any presence at work, no breathing exercises.

Day 40 Superb awareness today. Tomorrow starts the new routine. I'm at the office tomorrow so the alarm is set earlier. We'll see how the awareness goes. But today was great. I was very present during and in between the breathing exercises.

There is a strong primal instinct arising from yesterday's meditation in the form of physical masculine energy. I need to build up more discipline. Momentum. I need to get off my lazy ass. Its time for fucking change. I decided to pick up my old Qi-Gong morning routine (guided) and slowly starting with cold showers (after the Qi-Gong exercise). I checked my daily to do list from a few months back: - wake up at 9:00 am (is a steady habit) - qi gong exercise in the morning - 2 minute cold shower - Read 10 book pages - 60 minutes meditation + 10 minutes concentration - 30 minutes outside in nature - morning: Smoothy + 2 slices of bread + water (is a steady habit) - lunch (12am) 4 slices of bread + water and fruit - nofap - running I learned to take it slow when tackling old habits and starting new ones. Doing everything cold turkey at once works counter productive. That's why I start with qi gong and cold showers. Qi gong is centered around breath so that comes handy with my breath awareness quest. 10 book pages a day is also very doable. Nofap and running exercise is for later when I have more momentum (also 60 minute meditation, right now it varies a lot. But I'll take it easy). Ideally I want to wake up at 8:00 pm. But again, for later. Cold showers: the 'fucked' up thing about the shower at my home is that It automatically warms up after 30 seconds, even when I turn the knobs all the way to its coldest. It didnt used to be that way. But the initial shock of cold water and staying there is where the magic happens for me anyway. I used to be able to withstand 4-5 minutes but the difference wasn't so huge from a 1-2 minute cold shower. Final list: Wake up at 9:00 Breath exercise 1 (9:00) Qi gong exercise Cold shower: 30 seconds Breakfast Lunch (around 12:00) Breath exercise 2: (12:00-13:00) Dinner Breath exercise 3: (18:00-19:00) Reading Meditation + breath exercise 4 (before bed, around 23:30-0:00) Usually I'm not so tricts on these timestamps so they will vary. What matters is that I do them. In between these exercise I will be doing my usual stuff: painting, drawing, freelance work (I'm a freelance visual/web designer). Running is pretty high on my list too if I think about it. I need more physical exercise and I'm not sure qi gong is fulfilling that 100%. Evenings would be ideal for running. More on that. RAWWRRRRRRR

Day 39 I need someone to shove a mirror in my face. Show me who the fuck I am. How can a mirror see its own image. It needs another mirror. Meditation feels like I'm mirroring myself but I can't see a fucking thing. I know that's the whole point but my mind won't accept it. I need to shut up. Calm the damn monkey mind and SEE. It's right in my face but I won't see it. What does I am consciousness even mean? I am is the deepest truth. I feel that. I am that. But this I falls asleep so damn quickly. What is silence trying to tell me?

Day 38 I've been trying deep, slow belly breathing a few times the last few days and it feels a little forced (just like when I started at the beginning of this breathing endeavour). I have to get used to it. But when I'm present and In the 'breath flow' it relaxes my whole body. I read somewhere that belly breathing affects the nervous system by giving the brain a sign that the body is safe, so it can activate relaxation mode. I wonder if this is related to pramayana meditation. If someone is reading this, do you have any experience with pramayana meditation? How does it affect you on the long term? I'd like to know!

Day 37 37 days in. Things are doing great. I canceled the morning exercise because I was too tired and fell asleep.

Day 35-36 Yesterday awareness was meh. Today awareness was way better. Awareness seems to be increasing, although I have to be careful with drawing conclusions. It's weird to say awareness was better or not better. It's not about that. Awareness is just awareness. But what even is awareness. Mind can't verbalise awareness. It can try but it will always fail to describe the actual thing. But I need awareness to even write these words. Awareness is hidden in these words. In the spaces between these words. In the pauses between these thoughts. Awareness silence! Shut up mind! Back to the cave!!

Insight: the more I incorporate self actualisation into my life, the more I receive moments of clarity. Writing here on a daily basis for sure helps a lot with that. Reprogramming and refocusing mind/brain. You're not learning tennis by practicing string theory.

Day 34 Wow today went well. It seems like I'm getting more spontaneous moments of clarity where I become aware of my breath, even during painting. Normally this doesn't happen and Im absorbed in the activity. But it happened 3 times in an hour or so. Maybe I should try deep belly breathing, instead of 'just' being aware of breath and see how that goes. Thanks @Sombra for pointing it out btw. It also feels good being back at sitting meditation again. There seems to be much more energy release when I sit straight up. Shit gets wild. If someone would walk in they'd immediately call the doctor and give me some xanax or horse tranquilliser to calm me down. I get these weird and intens body spasms and movements in my upper body. Like my body is tuning itself to a different frequency. And I can observe it from the pov of awareness. There is a calmness to it from that perspective. God there is so much I don't know that I have to explore. How deep does this rabbit hole go? It's truly a miracle that we humans get to explore this stuff and share it on a forum. It's crazy we can all understand each other by writing some fucking digital letters on a digital platform. A digital platform. Like wtf? I'm just blown away by life in general right now. This pillow feels so fucking soft too lol. I think I love pillows. Will you please sleep with me pillow? Exuse my swearing btw, it's all luv ❤️

Merciii!

Thanksss that makes me happy!! ??

#nofilter

Day 33 God dammit I feel so alive!! I might actually expand this journal because I like sharing stuff that's in my head. Most of the time when I write I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. I might think I have, but I have no fucking clue. I don't even know why I'm typing this now. I've always had difficulties writing essays and documents during school and college. The stuff was always in my head but for some reason I just couldn't (and still can't, really) formulate it into words. I prefer making weird noises. I'm staring way too long at me screen now for example, looking at what I typed and if it made any sense. But it's all good. It's ridiculous and amusing at the same time. Mind talking to itself. Have a great day people ❤️

Day 32 Lots of breathing today. In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, etc. During the midday exercise I was able to extend the breath awareness much longer. I was watching a Joe Rogan podcast, and maybe for like 4 or 5 minutes I could hold focus on my breathing while still listening carefully. Not 100% but significantly. I stopped after 4 or 5 minutes but I could extend it if I wanted to. I have to consciously decide it right after I finish the breathing exercise. Its just staying present.